I got another rejection slip - in the form of an e-mail – for my book,
Adopting Alesia. I know this is the path to glory – JK Rowling got tons of
rejection slips – but it still stings. Every time I send out a query letter I
seal the envelope with a prayer and hope. Every time I get a rejection slip it
feels like my actual life has been marked WHO CARES? I never thought I would
grow up and feel this compulsion to write about my own life, but then nobody I
know has lived a life like mine. I realized when I was in graduate school
getting a master’s in Creative Writing that I am a lot more interested in just
writing the truth than I am in telling literary stories. I can’t write like
that.
Just before I came home yesterday, I did a
quick check of the Parent Portal and checked on Alesia’s Biology grade. It had
slipped from a 73 to a 64. I asked her what happened. She said she didn’t know.
The teacher had e-mailed me and said Alesia was simply missing a couple of
assignments. The chart on the computer is hard to read and understand. I had
Alesia talk to the teacher about a week ago, and she thought she knew what to
do, but she didn’t.
Thursday, I spent quite a bit of time helping
Alesia with her biology project. It was a comparison of a cell’s structures to
another structure – we chose a kitchen. It was not that hard, I thought, but
required some creativity. I asked Alesia before we started if she knew the cell
structures – words like nucleus and vacuole. She assured me she did. As we
worked on the computer, it was clear she did not. I tried to explain to her in
simple terms what each structure did. She had only the most tenuous grasp. I
looked up each word on various sites and created a cheat sheet for her, since
the teacher doesn’t really use the book. Alesia read it over. She still didn’t
grasp it.
I have cried a lot for the past couple of
days. I just fear for my daughter. She has a faulty memory – this is indicative
of fetal alcohol syndrome. Add to that the tough vocabulary of biology, and
it’s a recipe for disaster. I just don’t know what to do.
I told Alesia in the car we can go talk to
her teacher next week. I am not optimistic. I am her best tutor and if I cannot
explain it in a way she can understand…? If she fails this general class, the
only alternative at her school is special ed. I hate the thought. She doesn’t
belong there. She will feel like a failure there.
Worse, she is picking up on my anxieties and
insecurities. I find it annoying and it’s hard to hold my temper. It’s so hard
to love her right now, in her difficult teen years. I do love her, but her
demeanor is as changeable as the weather, and she can be such a pill. Me
worrying constantly probably doesn’t help. She can read me like a cheap
magazine.
I keep trying to picture Alesia in 10 years,
and I can’t see anything. I sorta wish for the old fashioned days when you
could just marry off a pretty girl to a good husband and stop worrying.
I felt OK physically yesterday, but today I
feel godawful. Just no energy. I want to sleep, but when I lie down my heart
thuds in my chest.
The kids spent the afternoon with their
friends, while I piddled here at the house. I felt too awful to get anything
done.
My friend John came over and worked a miracle
– he actually loaded some songs on my Ipod. I don’t want all the songs, and
there are a lot of songs I do want and I can’t figure out how to get them on
there, but hey, it’s a start.
We had dinner at Ryan’s. The kids can get
whatever they want to eat, and we can stare at the odd assortment of people in
there for the cheap buffet. Michael got some baby corn and tried to eat it like
Tom Hanks in Big. LOL Tonight’s main entertainment feature was a plump woman
whose fanny was falling out of her too tight, tiny shorts. The kids giggled and
snickered as they peeled the breading off their fried chicken.
Michael tried pumpkin pie, for the first
time. He loves pumpkin bread. I was stunned when he made a terrible face after
one small bite. He looked like he had just eaten a sour apple. I tried to
explain that homemade pumpkin pie, like I make, is much more tasty, but he just
looked horrified.
Tonight’s movie feature was It’s a Mad Mad
Mad Mad World, the 1963 classic. I have owned it for years. I love that film.
Michael was a little put out at first – “Mom they speaking too much. Too many
words!” I told him to go back and watch the movie. Once I joined him and Alesia
and turned the dadgum sound up, he enjoyed it a lot more. I can remember
sitting in the family room watching that movie when I was a kid, and it still
makes me smile.
I have felt better this evening, physically and
emotionally. I am still worried about Alesia, but I am trying to turn over the
problem to God. It weighs on my heart, but I know some solution will be found.
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