It's a beautiful sunshiny day but very windy. I made Michael a To Do list and he has already done a lot of it, plus helped me with making a loaf of Banana Bread.
If I have bananas that have turned black it's very difficult to NOT make banana bread. I feel guilty for throwing out food.
Yesterday was not particularly noteworthy except for me behaving badly and feeling really disgusted with myself afterward. I am still having to adjust to the fact that Michael has a car and can drive himself places. He likes to drive around and go see friends.
He was babysitting all morning yesterday, and then we ran a couple of errands. He got a haircut. We decided to bum around Dollar General. He thought this toy was funny:
Around 4:30 he said he wanted to go over to his friend Kevin's house. I just lost it. 'WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO OVER THERE?! WE HAVE A NICE HOUSE! I NEVER SEE YOU ANY MORE!" I screamed like a complete ninny.
I got so agitated I could feel my blood pressure creeping up. So I decided to lie down and listen to music.
I realized within about 5 minutes that I was being a completely unfair, clingy, ridiculous mama. I was doing something I had thought I was too mature and reasonable to ever do. I was stirring up
Yes, I was a total beeyotch, for no good reason. Michael is a good kid. He had done what I'd asked him to do. He's a good driver. I just wanted him to hang out with ME.
How many 17 year old boys want to spend Saturday night hanging out with mama?!
I texted him an apology.
The bottom line is simply this: I want my little boy back. I am not ready for him to be so grown up. I didn't get finished with my little cutie pie. He may be shaving and driving and taller than me but when I look at him this is who I see:
Of course, I'd give anything to have an afternoon with my dad, or one of my grandparents, or any number of people who have passed away.
We can't do that. I can't do that.
I need to stop looking at the young man and mourning the little boy. I need to just make sure he has the tools to be a happy guy and a good father, when the time comes.
Michael has such a loving nature, I don't worry about it.
I have a video on my Desktop that I watch occasionally. It's not very long. It shows Michael doing a funny little dance, and Alesia is in there, too. I love to see my kids when they were younger.
Thanks be to God for videos, to supplement our memories.
I'm sure when my mom looks at me and Bruce she sees something like this: