I realized just yesterday that Thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK. Holy Terduckens Batman! Next week the Christmas madness really kicks into high gear. I don't want to get off on a rant here [in my head I hear Dennis Miller's voice saying that] but we are NOT READY.
We may never be ready, unless I get hold of a truckload of Xanax sometime soon.*
Then again, unlike most people, we stay home and family comes to us, family meaning my brother, who comes in Wednesday night and leaves Thursday afternoon because he has to work Friday. Everyone else - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - is either dead or not coming to my house, which is fine by me. [Actually, the dead relatives are welcome to come hang out.]
Holidays are still stressful to me, though. Just the thought of the pre-Thanksgiving crowd at Kroger makes me want to run and hide.
So I wanted to just let fly with some rants, for a minute. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
CHRISTMAS MERCHANDISING -- before Halloween was even over I saw Christmas merchandise being stocked at CVS. I hate to sound Scroogey, but that's not about celebrating the birth of Christ, or celebrating family, or whatever noble sentiment one might associate with the holiday. It's about MONEY. Period. It gives me a small bit of satisfaction to picture Jesus with a whip creating havoc in the CVS or the Target or wherever. "And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves." Matthew 21:12
SNARKY VOICEMAIL GREETINGS -- I called someone the other day and had to hear "I'll get back to you at my earliest convenience." Really? So whenever the hell you feel like returning calls, you MIGHT get back to me?! Thanks. That's the verbal equivalent of the bouncer outside a nightclub not letting me in because I'm not pretty enough. My revenge on people who use that "my earliest convenience" phrase is to just not leave any message. I wish I had the guts to say something like "Yes, this is Officer Smith with the State Patrol, just wanted to know we've located your vehicle and I'm afraid it's currently a blazing car-b-que on I-285."
Father's Talk With Son About Paris Terror Attack --OK, I'm sorry, but I thought the father's response to his child was ridiculous. The bad guys have guns and we have flowers and candles?! The child isn't stupid. He needs reassurance the bad guys won't win. I disagree with people who say how moving this was. It was idiotic. I want to hug that child and say Listen, ISIS won't win because we have BIGGER guns and more people!
SNARKY GUESTS -- Had a guest in the house recently who informed me that the floor in the guest bathroom was really not up to her standards of cleanliness and I needed to get in there with some industrial-type cleaner. I was so stunned, I had no words to reply with, other than "Get the F* out of my house" but that might sound like an over-reaction, so I exercised a tremendous amount of self-control and merely said "Sorry. We can't afford a maid right now."
TURKEY PURISTS -- A friend posted on Facebook that she needed suggestions about cooking Thanksgiving dinner for a huge crowd of people, and I suggested she poach the turkey in the crockpot. You buy a turkey breast and stick it in the crockpot with some herbs and butter, cover it with chicken broth and cook it all day. At the end of the day, you have incredibly moist and delicious turkey. You don't have the Norman Rockwell painting of the perfectly browned bird, no, but you have turkey THAT'S NOT DRY AND TASTELESS! Jeez, let go of the past already.
At my house, we don't eat turkey. Nobody likes it. We make do with a nice beef tenderloin, a couple of side dishes, a cold beer and pumpkin or pecan pie. Then we sit around and talk to each other instead of watching football on TV. Yeah, we're weird. Get over it.
CABLE COMPANIES -- in the recent dustup with Direct TV and Comcast, I informed both companies that I would not respond to any emailed bills, only paper bills. I keep getting emailed bills. I never should have given them my email address. Lesson learned. When they find that I don't pay emailed bills they will call me, of course, and I will tell them politely why my money goes out of here on paper, if I'm asked to pay someone, on paper. Call me a Luddite. I don't care.
PEOPLE WHO IGNORE EMAILS -- If you don't like to write long emails that's fine. Just respond in some way -- one sentence is fine. It lets me know you got the email and read it and you're not lying dead in front of your computer. Complete silence, however, is just rude.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN NEEDS TO CHECK INTO REHAB ALREADY AND SHUT UP! Guy Fieri rocks - Bless his little square peroxided head, he's going verbally toe-to-toe with the giant asshat of the food world, Anthony Bourdain [I think "bourdain" is a French word meaning verbose blithering idiot]. I LOVED reading Guy Fieri Fires Back at Anthony Bourdain: He's Definitely Gotta Have Issues. Um, yes. Bourdain cannot cook. All he can do is criticize. Kudos to Alton Brown, too:
"Alton Brown, a prolific cookbook author and Food Network host, also took issue with Bourdain’s sense of superiority. “When was the last time you saw Anthony Bourdain actually cook anything?” he said. “I’ve spent 14 years cooking my own food on television and I’ve never seen him cook a meal.” - People
*to any potential employers: I don't take Xanax. Never have. Never will. When I get stressed out I just go in the bathroom and cry for a while, then reach for the peanut M&Ms, not drugs or alcohol.