Michael has some faults, but he is a very honest child. Part of the bond I have with him is that we do not lie to each other. I tell him the truth and he does likewise.
When I picked him up from school today, I knew from his face there was something wrong. He told me what had happened at school reluctantly, but I am sure he was being truthful.
He was reprimanded by a teacher for fighting in the hallway at school.
Now, when he was in Kazakhstan, he got in some fights. In that culture, street kids fight, and orphans fight, and it’s not really a big deal. I have had to explain to him that here in America it’s a really big deal and he better not fight. Schools will not tolerate it, and I sure won’t tolerate it.
Note too long after he came home, I found Michael and Alesia play fighting and I turned into Screaming Crazy Mama. I think I scared both of them. I’ve never had to reprimand them for it again.
I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to fighting.
He said what happened today in school was that he was walking down the hall with a friend and they were playfully bumping into each other with their elbows. Michael bumped the other boy too aggressively and the boy bounced off the hallway wall just as a teacher came around the corner and saw them. She had a fit, and wrote down Michael’s name. He asked me if I had been called. I had not. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Mike’s teacher was absent today.
I asked him if he realized how he had screwed up. He said yes, he shouldn’t have been playing so rough, shouldn’t have knocked into the other boy. “But he’s my friend. We weren’t fighting!” he kept insisting. I said calmly, “Michael, it doesn’t matter. It appeared as though you were fighting. You simply cannot do that. It will get you in trouble every time.”
He said he was so bummed out that he had been too upset to eat lunch. He was afraid of what I was going to do. I could tell this had been weighing on his mind.
“Michael, I think you’re telling me the truth, and I think you regret what happened. So I am not going to punish you. You will have to accept whatever happens at school, though.” He nodded.
If I had been his birthmom, he would've been beaten. She beat him and hit him many times. I have never hit him, but his fear was there anyway. Early conditioning is hard to overcome. [See note below]
We came home and he ate a snack, and we read some Harry Potter to try and help him relax and calm down. Then we did homework. He was fine doing social studies. Then science needed to get started.
I told him he was going to need to study for his science test tomorrow on his own while I gave Mother a bath, and he didn’t respond well to that. It turned out Mother wasn’t feeling up to a bath, so I ended up stationing Michael at the dining room table while I fixed dinner. He was supposed to do the questions at the end of each chapter and see if he answered correctly, as a way of reviewing. I kept looking in on him. He looked at the questions, but didn’t write down anything and didn’t correct anything, and announced to me in about 20 minutes that he was done reviewing for the test. I was ticked.
I got the meatballs simmering and the macaroni and cheese re-heating in the double boiler and sat down and went over the questions on one of the chapters. He was fading away, not interested at all. I tried to get him to eat some Vienna sausages, something he likes that’s a quick protein source, but he would only eat one.
I kept thinking, if I can get some supper into him he will be OK. I have seen this catatonic shutdown before when he doesn’t eat. His stomach doesn’t send hunger signals to his brain like a regular person, due to the many years in Kazakhstan when he was constantly starved.
I spoke sharply to him several times, trying to get him to wake up and pay attention and study, not sit slumped over with his head on the book, looking bored. He ignored me.
He ate dinner, though, and refused to eat much, so I sent him to bed. I let Alesia finish watching Monsters vs. Aliens without him.
I came upstairs later and he was curled in a ball on the bed, fully clothed, listening to rap music, which he knows I hate. I got him to put on pajamas and brush his teeth with promises of reading Harry Potter. We read two chapters. I tried to talk to him, but he had no explanation for his earlier obnoxiousness.
We have studied for his science test every night this week, and he hasn’t been able to get outside much. Maybe that’s part of the problem. It’s been a rainy, nasty week. I am just hoping and praying he will not screw it up too badly tomorrow.
INTERESTING TO NOTE:
I get a newsletter email from Heather Forbes, a lady with a lot of experience helping traumatized older kids in adoptive situations. Her response so closely mirrors what the therapist has told me about both my kids, that's it's very dismaying to read, but so true. I couldn't figure out how to link so I reprinted it here:
Q: My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him. Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help. How can he continually reject these positive messages? |
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A: From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world. This child has no other option but to trust that the information being given to him is the truth. He has no filters….he accepts everything as fact.
For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth. Everything that is said to him becomes his reality. Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is.
For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won’t amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child’s internal belief system develops from these messages. This child believes he is worthless. His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet earth. Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together. So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level. These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that then governs how this child behaves and responds to life events.
We then place this child in a different, more loving family. He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved. The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages. Which one do you think is stronger and louder? Of course, it is the internal voice of negativity that will dominate.
There is a profound gap between what others say and what the child’s internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows. The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one’s own view.
Think about this from your own perspective. When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction? You reject it. You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind. You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to “save face” and to protect your own belief system.
Now back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth. Yet, what the parent doesn’t realize is that the parent is up against the power of belief—up against the child’s neurological mapping. No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, “I love you.” or “You are a wonderful child.” or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail. It is as if these messages are impervious to this child. These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating.
The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences. Yet, emotions play a powerful role in neural processing, much greater than language and cognition. In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level. Love has the power to do this.
While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system. It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner. And it won’t be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created.
A new belief system is possible. It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact. For more “what to do in the moment” and more explanation on how to do this, my newest book, “Dare to Love” will give you more application into the principles discussed in this eNewsletter.
Love never fails…it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences.
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Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2 Author of Dare to Love
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