There are certain things which I didn't realize until I started browsing Facebook every day. Important things. Things that make life infinitely more rich.
Not that I waste my life perusing Facebook. I don't. I do think it's important to wish folks Happy Birthday and see the latest photos of everyone's vacation. I feel very enriched by the cyber community of Friends and Relatives I Have Not Seen in 20 Years.
I wanted to point out some of the absurdities of the online community, though. And maybe I will rant a little..
Did you know "facebook" is now a verb?! Seriously, Dude.
Meme writers often do not know about grammar. Can't tell you how many times I've seen memes with "they're" instead of "their."
I don't care if you've slaved in the kitchen all day, there's a 99% chance if you photograph your food and put the photo on Facebook -- even if it's perfectly-prepared boeuf bourgignion -- I will think to myself Wow. That looks like vomit. I wouldn't eat that if I was starving. (I will think that not because your food is inedible but because you aren't a professional food photographer, and so you don't know the tricks of the trade, like how to make cat food look like boeuf bourgignion - instead your dinner looks like cat food...KK?!)
Speaking of cats... Some people are OBSESSED with cats. It's a phobia. Cat Obsession-itis, I guess. I find it bizarre and disturbing.
Now I find a weird phenomenon happening all the time when I watch the news. I will see viral videos I watched on Facebook appear on the NEWS. WTH?!?
It's called NEWS for a reason, people. Tell me what's going on in the world, for heaven's sake. I can Facebook during the commercials and see the video there.
In case anyone isn't aware of it, most Russians have cameras on the dashboards of their cars and since most Russians drive like maniacs, you can see all sorts of horrifying footage of car accidents because sickos like to take these videos and put them on YouTube and Facebook. Here's another interesting tidbit of knowledge I have from traveling a lot in Russia: they don't like to use seatbelts. Chances are, if there's a bad accident there are dead people. So all those videos are snuff films. Nice, huh?!
I believe I'll just watch the video of a squirrel attacking a snake, or the one of a dachshund licking a lion's mouth. I grew up watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom and every time I see animal films I hear the voice of the long-dead Marlon Perkins. Is that weird?!
I have never in my entire life seen so many people dancing as I have in the past few years of looking at Facebook. Young kids, old people, homeless folks, dogs, fat people - dancing and dancing and dancing.
Sometimes there are dire warnings posted, links to blogs and articles so horrifying they seek to inspire heart palpitations in the reader. I see one of these type articles every.single.day:
Dasani Bottled Water Has 4 Ingredients [one being a teratogen, which means something that causes birth defects in fetuses]
Words of Wisdom are everywhere:
Do No Harm But Take No Shit
"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up." [Hunter S. Thompson, who was actually crazy and somehow still made money...]
Good friends are like quilts. They age with you and never lose their warmth.
No matter how good a person you are, there will always be someone criticizing you. Share if you agree.
"Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life." - Dolly Parton [a multimillionaire with no children]
Bacon is the duct tape of the kitchen. It can fix everything. Mess up a recipe? Fear not! Just add bacon! [this from the National Pork Producers Council, naturally.]
"In life, we must always find out things straight from the horse's mouth, and not listen to the jackass spreading the gossip." Tweety Bird [Tweety is a wise soul!]
"I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimers."
And just in case you need more evidence as to why FB is the biggest time suck of all time, here are some other random things I saw while perusing FB:
a photo of someone's feet, wearing a toe ring of course
someone talking about the gory details of their recent surgery
10 Ways You're Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be
Before all my Facebook friends decide I am mean and they lambaste me publicly, let me say this: as weird as it sounds, I depend on Facebook to help me feel plugged in to a larger community. I get sympathy, information, cyber hugs, laughter, and advice - so many ways Facebook enriches my life. When I was without my computer recently for a week I felt totally bereft. Those not on Facebook are missing out.
But please stop posting stuff about your meals and your cats. Seriously.