The Crab Chronicles

Boys

Michael just informed me he needed two number two pencils for school. They are doing the CRCT testing. "Why didn't you tell me this yesterday when we were at the store?" I asked, yanking open my file cabinet and rummaging around.

He shrugged, and took two pencils off my desk.

Boys.

Yesterday, I worked in the garden a long time in the afternoon. Later, I was up in my room and Michael and Colton were talking to me. I was sitting down.

"You have a bug in your hair, Mom," Michael said.

"Well, get him out of there," I snapped. I hate bugs.

"No, I think I'll just leave him there," Michael said, nonchalantly. By now I thought I felt the bug crawling on my head.

"GET HIM OFF OF ME!" I bellowed. Coco started barking from downstairs.

Michael showed me a tiny leaf that was the "bug" - laughing, of course.

"Very funny. Now go downstairs and tell Granny what you did, so she won't think something is wrong!" I hollered.

Boys.

As we were working in the garden, there was a stick that I used to stake tomatoes last year. Michael picked it up and suddenly it was a light saber. He flourished it, darting around.

Stick = weapon [to a boy, of course]

But in many ways, Michael is atypical. Last night we had poached salmon for dinner. He loves salmon. I made a little bit of sauce to put on it [mayo, lime juice, dill, onion powder] and it was not enough for him. He finished a good-sized portion of salmon, and had some cauliflower, and announced he was still hungry. "There's more salmon. Help yourself," I said. We had bought extra thinking Lesleigh was coming for dinner but she couldn't come.

"I need more sauce, Mom. How did you make it?" Michael asked. I told him. He made another batch, and ate another large portion of salmon, smothered in sauce. [For any of you unaware of the delights of Mayonnaise, rest assured none of us have high cholesterol.]

About midway through dinner, Michael had a forkful halfway to his mouth and he looked at me, eyes dancing [this is a very Michael thing, as he has very expressive eyes] - "You saw a movie yesterday about salmon, and now we are eating it?!" he remarked.

"Yes, I was in a salmon mood today," I said.

The cauliflower was terrific. It's my cousin Terri's recipe. You just nuke the florets in the microwave until they are tender/crisp. Then cover them with a mixture of one cup mayo and 1 tablespoon mustard, mixed together. Nuke another minute or two. Cover with 1 cup of cheese, whatever kind you have. Nuke some more. Stir it all up and serve. YUM.[Or you can roast or boil it, of course, The mayo/mustard/cheese combo is what makes it delicious]

Michael smelled the cauliflower cooking - normally something he's not too keen on - and said "We're having CAULIFLOWER?! YUM!" He ate a lot.

Boys.

I love them.

This is a jokey smile, not the real one. LOL

Goals

I used to have a lot of lofty life goals for my son, but at this stage I have narrowed it down to two things I would like to see before he goes off into the big wide world.

I'd like to see him

• make his bed every morning, and
• throw his dirty clothes in the basket instead of on the floor.

Seriously.

Most nights I cannot walk to the side of his bed without kicking aside pants, shoes, undies, etc. He HAS a large, nice dresser, and a spacious closet. They stay pristine.

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It's not been a noteworthy day, so I tried to enlist Mike to help me with the blog. The results are below.

What are your personal goals, Michael? "Stay on task. Run, but not on the track team, down the street."

Why?

"To get away from Mom!" OMG!

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I tried to teach Mike the art of Coco care today. If you want Coco to stay in one place for more than 5 minutes [Yorkie Poos are wicked energetic little things] you need to gently massage her little back with your fingertips. I call it "doggie massage." That's sort of gradiose term for rubbing the dogs back. I like to say in a high pitched voice while I do it "doggie massage!" Mike got the rubbing her back part, but he refused to say the magic words right.

No, he decided to say "doggie massage" in a voice somewhat similar to Arnold Schwartzenegger with a bad cold. I was amazed Coco put up with it. She apparently saw right through the bad growly voice because she wagged her little tail, just like a champ. She adores him.

That's all I know.

Kirk out.

Don't Mess With the Granny

This has been one of the most bizarre, volatile days EVER. That full moon outside is working overtime. The fact that Michael and Colton are sitting downsairs on the couch, peacefully watching Zombieland, is nothing short of a miracle.

Remember I said last night about sending the box of gifts to Miss Jean? I was told they would be delivered Saturday afternoon. I was so bummed out by that, because Mother wanted her to have the box today. The guy at the store was positive it would take until Saturday unless I wanted to pay a ridiculous amount of money [which I couldn't]. BUT -the box of presents was delivered THIS MORNING. Jean called Mother and reported how much she loved everything, which did my mom's heart good.

She also said she loved the dancing Snoopy.

Mother had a rough night last night. At the breakfast table this morning, she said she had dreamed there were elephants in the house, wrecking everything, and she couldn't get rid of them. I didn't say anything at breakfast, but Mother is a Republican and a keen follower of all the political stuff that goes on. She watches the news off and on all day. So the symbolism of her nightmare is quite ironic. I thought about suggesting she switch to HGTV and leave off Fox News for a few days, but she hadn't finished her coffee yet and I didn't want to get slapped...

I am neither a Republican nor a Democrat. I try to steer clear of politics here at the Crab Chronicles, but I feel it's OK to say that. I hate both parties pretty equally. The Congress is filled with liars, crooks, thieving, power-mad evildoers, and every type of scumbag... (After a few beers I can think of a lot more colorful adjectives for the jerks, but I'm trying to keep it clean here.) I have held my nose and voted, on occasion for individuals that were affiliated with one of the big-name parties, but it's always tough. I tend to like independent folks, not party-line folks. I think one time I actually wrote in "Mr. Bill" on the ballot..

Then there was the Michael's wallet situation. He misplaced it last weekend, and I told him he had to find it so he could go shopping tomorrow. He looked and looked and it wasn't in the house. He was so bummed out he refused to eat breakfast. I finally went out and searched the car, and there it was, on the floor between the door and the seat. He ate a piece of toast in the car on the way to school.

Mother reminded him we both prayed about the wallet, and prayer works. Michael had the audacity to scoff at that.

"God didn't drop the wallet into the car, Granny," he said.

"God got you out of Kazakhstan and into this family, so I don't think dropping a wallet into a car was all that hard for him," Mother shot back.

Don't mess with Granny, even after she's had her coffee, boy..

At work, there was a situation I can't blog about, but it was emotional. Plus I had a blisteringly awful sinus headache most of the day. The boss finally gave me some Advil sinus medication and things eased up a bit. We both have sinus issues, which is a strange sort of bond... I need to get some of that Advil.

I came home and around 5, my friend Paul brought back Mother's computer. It had been on the fritz for a couple of weeks but he got it back up and running, which was a minor miracle. We had a good visit with him, too. If you are in the Atlanta area and you have any sort of computer issue, shoot me an email and I'll put you in touch with Paul. He's brilliant and his charges are very reasonable. / The computer seemed destined not to work at first, though, but then it got OK, with Paul's assistance of course.

So all day it has been: bad situation + time = solution

My horoscope says tomorrow is supposed to be a weird day, too. I can't wait.

Let's hope there are no huge animals trampling through the house tonight...

Mike and Colton on the tennis court last summer...

Slightly Risque Jokes

I dialed a number and got this recording:
 
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother." Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?* Stress is when wife is pregnant,*

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
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A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"*

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
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A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.  Your friend over there, is also my

son, that's confidential."
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Nominated as the best short joke this year...A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.  Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.                

Quiz

Pop quiz. Are you ready?!

This guy was a Greek philosopher, and he was the 1^st person to propose the idea that matter was made up of tiny particles called atoms (atomos).  He also believed that atoms could not be created, destroyed or further divided.

Give up?

It was Democritus. He had it all figured out, until Aristotle came along and said Democritus was wrong. And guess whose name is more familiar today?!

Go figure.

Michael may not do well on his Science quiz tomorrow but I would ace it.

 

There's a very loud owl behind my house, hooting and freaking me out. At first I thought it was someone who was drinking beer, but now it's clearly an animal.

Wildlife is everywhere, even in suburban Atlanta.

We are finding little mice in the house and it's freaking us all out. A mouse ate one of my homegrown tomatoes recently. I hope it made him sick. Apparently, they also like Saltine crackers, but not Milk Bones. Coco has those all over the house.

I made a freaky weird frittata tonight but it was tasty.  I chopped up half a red onion and sautee'd it, threw in some chopped mushrooms, then started looking at what I could find in the fridge. We had some cauliflower with cheese last night and there was about 2 cups left over. I threw that in there. Also had maybe 3/4 of a cup of pasta from the other night, and I put that in there, along with some potatoes, eggs, and cheese. Yum. The frittata has become our quick easy meal. It's one dish, easy cleanup.

Yesterday's dinner was awesome. I took a rack of ribs and covered it in Sucklebuster's Hog Waller pork and rib rub. I added some extra salt, pepper, and onion powder. I put some water in the bottom of the pan and wrapped it tightly in foil, and put it in a 200 degree oven all day. Wow, those were wonderful. Fall off the bone tender.

We've had a totaly change in the weather today - cold snap. Wow. Fall is finally here. Now I want pumpkin pie, and potato soup, and muffins.... AND - I have to go to the doctor next week and get weighed. ACK....

Top Ten

It was Tuesday all day but it felt like Monday. A week with two Mondays, oy. Never knew Columbus Day was going to throw off my whole week so drastically.

Very little going on. We got a lot of rain today, hallelujah. It feels not only cold but chilly, which is worse than cold. I'm resisting putting the blanket on the bed, but that day is fast approaching.

Letterman did a funny Top Ten List yesterday:

Top Ten Things Columbus Said When He Arrived In America

10. "What should we do first — unpack or hit the bar?"
9. "Who wants smallpox?"
8. "What do you mean the Pinta lost my luggage?"
7. "One day they'll name the whole country after me — or, at least, a city in Ohio"
6. "Amerigo Vespucci can kiss my a**!"
5. "I can see, like, 15 Starbucks from here"
4. "Mama mia, that's a spicy new world!"
3. "Where my dawgs at?"
2. "I hope I'm not too late to pre-order the iPhone 4S"
1. "I wonder who Regis has on the show tomorrow?"

Proust Questionnaires

One of my favorite things about Inside the Actor's Studio on Bravo Channel used to be the end of the celebrity interview where the host, James Lipton, asked the celebrity questions from the Marcel Proust Questionnaire.

I was always amused to see which celebrities were quick on their feet and which ones weren't.

Since I am somewhat stuck for something to blog about, I thought I'd answer those questions myself, although keep in mind there are several versions of this questionnaire out there --

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? being without chocolate!
  
• Where would you like to live? next to the ocean, rent free of course
  
• What is your idea of earthly happiness? vacation with people I love, lots of good food and good company
  
• To what faults do you feel most indulgent? I used to be very efficient. Now, not so much...
  
• Who are your favorite heroes of fiction? I don't have any. How can you admire a fictional hero?!
  
• Who are your favorite characters in history? Joan of Arc, Eleanor Roosevelt
  
• Who are your favorite heroines in real life? my grandmothers, my mom
  
• Your favorite painter? Lewis Thompson
  
• Your favorite musician? Mary Chapin Carpenter
  
• The quality you most admire in a man? Gentleness
  
• The quality you most admire in a woman? Courage
  
• Your favorite virtue? Honesty
  
• Your favorite occupation? Writer
  
• Who would you have liked to be? A stay-at-home wife and mother who writes when possible

Here's James Lipton's version:

1. What is your favorite word? La Grenouille [French for frog]
2. What is your least favorite word? No
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? being around highly intelligent and articulate people
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? narrow-mindedness
5. What sound or noise do you love? the laughter of my children
6. What sound or noise do you hate? their tears
7. What is your favorite curse word? Sh*t!
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? professional movie reviewer
9. What profession would you not like to do? proctologist
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I am quite confident Heaven exists and I expect to hear something like "Dee, welcome! Your family is waiting!" and then I will have happy reunions with all my loved ones who have gone before me.

Bees and Cheese

I was wracking my brain to try and think of something interesting to write about and it occurred to me that there has been some excitement around here today, it just didn't involve me directly.

First I knew of it, I was on the way home from work and I got a pitiful phone call from Michael saying "You come in through the garage door, Granny says. There are BEES near the front door! OK, Bye." OK, well, there's a story there I thought.

Michael came home from the pool around 3 and put his float on the front porch, and some bees that had been chilling out in one of our wicker chairs decided to play Bite and Chase. Poor guy has a bite right next to his nipple. He's been complaining about it a lot. We tried icing it down [don't laugh!] and I put some rubbing alcohol on it. He's freaked out. It's nothing though. He got double-bit by bees when he was walking home from elementary school a few years ago, and it started a great fear of bees.

Of course, this is the south, and there are a lot of flowers in the neighborhood [older homes] plus I have planted a bunch of flowers in the yard. I suspect he will try to get out of watering my pot plants on the front porch, citing the horrible bee sting as an excuse. Hmm...

After the disappointing started to my garden, I am pleased to report we have a bumper crop of fresh tomatoes. I took some to my boss today and he seemed delighted. I was tempted to give him the little speech Shirley Macline gave in Steel Magnolias, something like "I'm an old white southern woman and I have to grow tomatoes. It's a rule." I like that very much. It's true too - I don't even eat raw tomatoes but I feel compelled to grow them.

There were some funny things in that movie, but here's my final word on it:

ALL THE ACCENTS IN Steel Magnolias ARE FAKE EXCEPT JULIA ROBERTS AND DOLLY PARTON!! Nobody in the South talks like Olympia Dukakis or Daryl Hannah did.Dolly and Julia sound actually southern but the wrong state - Dolly sounds like East Tennessee, and Julia sounds like North Georgia - Louisiana accents are totally different - that's where the movie is supposedly set.

Also, and very important: there is no one southern accent, there are HUNDREDS.

Anyway, I have a lot of beautiful tomatoes. We will eat some and freeze some. If you dip a tomato in boiling water for 8 seconds, the skin slips right off, and you can put 'em in a freezer bag whole and they freeze beautifully. Then in January you can make marinara sauce that's to die for.

 

Michael and his Granny had a good time making pimento cheese yesterday. We want him to learn to cook more. He already makes wonderufl guacamole, with tomatoes and onions. Now he has added pimento cheese - the real kind, not that yucky stuff you buy ready made. Here's Mother's recipe:

PIMENTO CHEESE

1 bag grated sharp cheddar,

1 block smoked cheese, grated [we love Tillamook cheese! see below]

1 jar minced pimentos,

2 tbl onion powder,

1 tbl garlic powder,

enough mayonnaise to moisten.

Mix thoroughly. Best the next day. I also like a little red pepper in it but didn't use any in this.

It's hard to stir, at first, and that's where Mike's incredibly strong left arm was a big help.

He has been eating it for breakfast. Makes a great breakfast.

Senior Diet

My mom sent this to me in an email. It's hilarious!

Yesterday I was at  my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
Purina dog  chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and  was in the check-out line when a woman behind me  asked if I had a dog. What did  she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told  her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting  the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably  shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital  last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes  coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in  both arms.
 
        I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that  it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every  time you feel hungry. The food is *nutritionally complete* so  it works well and I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically  everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).  

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit  me.
 
        I thought the guy behind her was  going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
        Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
        Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the  world to think of crazy things to say. 

Sweets

Mother always says I have a HUGE sweet tooth, and I know it's true, but today even I got overloaded with the sugar and had to stop.

Colton spent the night here last night and I wanted to fix a yummy breakfast, so I made french toast and sausage. I put syrup and butter on my french toast. When I was a kid I put butter and salt. Both ways are good. Michael puts enough syrup to sink a battleship. Colton ate his toast DRY. Yep, nothing on it. I hope he's not worrying about his weight too much. He's growing like a weed. He was a bit chubby when Michael first met him a couple of years ago but with better nutrition and more exercise he's slimmed down. He's up to about 5'7 already and weighs I think he said 126.

I know he can be a handfull - all boys can - but I am glad he feels at home here. He gives good hugs and he's always polite and sweet and helpful. I think teenagers need a home where they can find refuge, away from their own parents.

Colton and Mike a couple of weeks ago.

I had to run to Kroger late this morning and pick up provisions for the next couple of days. I didn't want to buy what we call Big Groceries, because that takes time, and I was rushing to make it to church before 1:30. If I am by myself I can buzz in and out and get just a few things very quickly.

We are in the hot weather now, so I refuse to go to the grocery store after noon. It's just too muggy hot then.

While I was at Kroger I saw a smallish man in his 30's pushing a buggy like he knew what he was doing. He was sorta attractive and I of course checked for a wedding ring. Negative. I went around to the next aisle and looked for bread. He followed and I noticed him again. I glanced into his buggy and almost laughed out loud. He had about 15 bottles of Powerade, and probably 20 Lean Cuisines, and a bunch of bananas. I bet he tells his mama he eats "healthy" because he had that one pitiful bunch of bananas. I wanted to say to him, Dude, you need to either learn how to cook or marry somebody who can cook because day-um, your food choices just suck.

I should've shown him my brussels sprouts and shared that if you roast those little baby cabbages just right they are mondo tasty and nutritious. I also had lean turkey, bread, and V-8 juice. We're not health fanatics but we eat fairly decently.

We usually only have sandwich night about once a week. Sometimes, instead of that we have Fallout night - whatever leftovers fall out of the fridge, that's what we eat.

Alesia went with me to the High Tea at church this afternoon and it was fun. There was a TON of food there. Lots of little sandwiches and tiny bite-sized sweets. We got 4 dozen pastry cups filled with curried chicken salad in about 10 minutes, and then made tea sandwiches with the rest of the chicken salad. The pound cake was sliced up. Alesia was looking longingly at all the piles of food, and kept saying "I'm REALLY hungry..."

"As soon as it's 2:00 you can eat," I said cheerfully.

I was sort of amazed Alesia had agreed to go to the tea with me. Mother talked her into it. We hadn't done any sort of Mother/Daughter things in a while, with all that's been going on in the last few weeks.

We sat with a friend of mine who has two adopted daughters and let me tell you, teeaged girls can EAT - especialy when there are no guys around. There were a lot of women, lots of babies, and many older ladies of Mom's generation. The tea was poured by servers who were all older men in suits, and they were very courtly and cute. Mother missed a prime opportunity to flirt with guys in her age group...

The goodies were all delectable but I was sort of amused because it was clear some of them were from a bakery and some were homemade. The bakery ones were fine, but not as good as hoemade, IMHO.

The tea also included a Silent Auction of donated small items, and a raffle. I won a small gift basket with a 4th of July theme, which is ironic since that's my birthday. I bid on a small necklace in the Silent Auction and won it, although I was sorry I didn't win the Hummingbird teapot I bid on. I collect teapots and I love hummingbirds.

I got a lot of compliments on my curried chicken salad.

I got totally sick of sweets after I tucked into the little cookies and brownie bites and tea cakes and everything else.

The high today was 90 - we're back to summer. One thing about it, I sweat so much on days like today I don't worry about water retention.

I'm hoping to make tomorrow a real rest day, unlike most Sundays...