The Crab Chronicles

Wounded Day

I had a horrible day for several different reasons, and I am not able to talk about any of them but this one - Michael went out bike riding and skinned his knee, pretty badly. I put some hydrogen peroxide on it, cleaned it off, put a Neosporin-covered bandage on it, and gave him two aspirin for the pain. Right before bed I changed the bandage and gave him two Motrin. I wish I could've done more.

When he saw, late this afternoon, that I was having a terrible day, he came over and put his arms around my neck and gave me a kiss. He has a heart of gold, that boy.

Life sometimes throws curves at me, but the only good thing about getting older is that I don't get rattled as easily as I did years ago. I do wonder, a lot of times, why things happen. Sometimes when things are really bad, like the day I got laid off, last June, I just say the 23rd Psalm over and over.

I also have to say this to myself sometimes, over and over: God's Plan is exactly what we would want for ourselves if we knew all the facts.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

here'a a little amusement:

 

 I bet Ditto's electric bill is a lot easier to pay! LOL

Elderly

Another day without rain. You learn to appreciate dry air when you live through a horrific flood.

My son informed me yesterday that we needed to immediately get in the car and go to the store and buy marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers because he was CRAVING s’mores. Can you tell he lives in a house full of females?! If he were not such a boy’s boy it would worry me a tiny bit, but he’s all boy.

I have a question for you parents out there. When do kids develop tact?! When does that kick in? My daughter is a little behind her peers, emotionally, as I’ve mentioned, but she seems to be missing the tact gene entirely.

Alesia said the other day, when I asked her the age of one of our neighbors, “Oh, she’s elderly. She’s probably, I don’t know, in her 50’s!” Mother and I laughed. Not happy laughter, more like OMG! ACK!

Mother HATES the word “elderly.” She prefers simply “old.”

I think of myself as middle aged. I am 47. I guess, to be accurate, I should say I am “on the dark side of 40.”  

Next year will be 30 years since I graduated from high school. I feel really really elderly, just thinking about that. There are almost no photos of me from high school, because I thought I looked so awful. Now I look back at the few photos we have and think, I was so delusional. [Or should that read DEElusional?!]

When I was a junior in high school, in 1979 to be exact, I played Mrs. Paroo in The Music Man. My daughter Marion was played by a sweet girl named Jamie. I just got a friend request on Facebook and was delighted to catch up with her a little bit. She hasn’t changed at all, even after 4 kids! She looks like she just got out of high school! I look like a hag, OTOH. I expect my next play I will be cast as one of the witches in MacBeth. Yikes!

It’s fun seeing old friends from high school, but man, the years have been kinder to some of us than to others. I should have an advantage, sort of – after all, fat fills wrinkles!

 

BUT SERIOUSLY

I like the 2009 version of me better than any other version. Yes, I'm too fat. I have grey hair and wear glasses. I burp too loudly. I don't shave my legs often enough. I never go clubbing, or to concerts. My favorite things to do are read to my son, grow flowers and vegetables, and watch movies at home. And that is OK. I had my fun. Now I have a real life, a life that means something.

 

I like myself, I have lots of love and lots of laughter in my life, and life is GOOD. If you want that too, quit judging yourself, quit trying to be perfect or look perfect, and just live. Just love. Just pray and be at peace about your life. Forgive yourself and forgive everyone else who has wronged you, because that's what we're supposed to do. That's the only way to be happy. I wish I had figured that out years ago.

 

Here endeth the sermon.

When Life Is Sublime

We have had a really pleasant day. I was ready for it. Seems like I spent all last weekend in the car, and all last week at work trying to get caught up. Vacations are stressful, in their own way. If I had the money we would take two weeks. That’s more restful. Also more expensive.

 

I usually hate going to the grocery store. It had become a crashing bore, before vacation. Today, not so much. It was nice to be back in a store where I know where everything is, and what they carry. I was able to get some Real Limemade, which is my favorite summertime treat.

 

We went out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant near the house, one we hadn’t tried before. The food was excellent. We were impressed. Mother and Michael pigged out on the fresh guacamole. I just had tacos but they were terrific. Our favorite other restaurants have both closed in the last 6 months, the latest one we just noticed today, which was really depressing.

 

We are supposed to be coming out of the recession, but I still see people around me losing their jobs, businesses closing their doors, and other problems. Just today I talked to a friend who has been out of work so long she has had to take work as a maid just to keep her family together. She is a single mom and has two children to support.

I want to be optimistic about the country, but it's very difficult. I feel somewhat like singing the song from The King and I - "whenever I feel afraid, I whistle a happy tune..."

 

The kids and I went to see the new Night At The Museum. This one is set at the Smithsonian. We loved the first one. This one, not so much. It wasn’t as funny or as fast-paced. Even Amy Adams and Robin Williams, two really interesting actors, couldn’t save it. (I wanted to go see Angels and Demons but I was out-voted. Maybe next weekend.) The kids declared they loved night at the Museum, BTW.

 

I have a list of things I needed to do today that didn’t get done, but I don’t care.

 

You ever have a moment when you try and stop for a moment and savor life? I don’t have many of those moments because, well, life is really hectic, but I had such a brief spell today when life was sublime. After the movie the kids and I were in the car, and we had the windows down, and we drove for about 5 minutes to get to the Quik Trip. The sky was an amazing deep blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds, and the sun was shining. The air was not too hot – about 80 – and we were listening to “On Broadway,” sung by the wonderful George Benson. We weren’t talking. I took a little time to savor that feeling. In a few years the kids will be grown – Alesia is mostly grown now – and I am so glad I was able to enjoy that time, just enjoying the beautiful sky and the feel of the wind, and my kids contentment, because we were together and it was a beautiful day.

Nice to know there are beautiful views at the beach, like below, but there are also great views at home.

Being Mindful, and Smart

Really tired and sleepy today. Had to fight to stay awake when I was in the car on the interstate, which is not good. I got extra sleep last night, too. Guess it’s a combination of mental and physical exhaustion.

 

I like a lot of things about Buddhism. I think that one can learn something from every major religion or philosophy. I really liked this article about the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. I want to practice it more. It’s sort of a meditation. The part I really liked was the idea to not nitpick the past or worry about the future, but to be mindful of the present. Washing dishes can be a mediation [I once wrote a poem about it]. Playing piano, putting on shoes and socks – anything can encourage mindfulness. It’s a way to lessen anxiety and promote mental health, is one way of seeing it. I like that.

As my life gets more and more complex – I already turned my work calendar to May, and I am planning how best to help Michael with his social studies project due Friday – I need to be more mindful. I need to pay attention to the here and now. I worry too much about the future. When I am thinking hard about something I tend to gnaw on my fingernails, scratch my feet, play with my hair, etc. Anxiety is an ugly thing.

When my father was dying of cancer and I was driving back and forth to Augusta every weekend, I found listening to books on tape kept me sane, kept me from crying all the time, and really helped me. I shut everything out of my mind except the sound of the voice reading the book. It was such a small activity but it literally helped me stay sane and not wreck the car.

Yesterday, I was sitting next to the plot where my aunt’s ashes are interred, and I was listening to the bible verses being read by the priest, and I thought, I do not want to cry here. I need to be present in the moment, and not draw attention to myself. I need to hold myself together for the sake of my cousins. I let the words wash over me, and I watched the ants. The ants helped me.

I just re-read that previous paragraph and I am proud for sounding so together and focused. Now I have to be honest. The burial ground is back in the woods, and it was very peaceful and serene, unless you are me. I was thinking, OMG, IS THAT POISON IVY?! Is that ant going to bite my foot? Are there brown recluse spiders out here?! Walking in the woods is my idea of hell. Sitting there even for a brief time nearly killed me. I decided to concentrate on the ants. Of course, I was also fully aware that if a red aunt had started climbing on my foot I was likely to jump up and start screaming. I prayed the ants would leave me alone. They did. Thanks, God.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

You are going to hate yourself over this. 

It scores automatically, too. 

If you get less than 3 wrong on the first try I will be VERY impressed!!!

It is FUN... 

Click here: How Smart Are You?

 

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Opening Your Home to a Foreign Scholarship Student

 Every year, more than 1100 high school students from former Soviet countries come to the U.S. to study for one year in American high schools and live with American host families.  These students are participants on the Future Leaders Exchange (FLEX) program, funded by Congress and sponsored by the U.S. Department of State.  American Councils for International Education will be working with 45 of these students during the 2009-2010 school year and we are currently looking for families of all kinds in the U.S.  interested in opening their homes to these young people.  These students have gone through a very competitive selection process to earn the right to represent their countries and have been chosen for their fluency in English as well as qualities of leadership.  While in the U.S. , students will study in American high schools, be involved in community service in their towns, and take part in activities that will develop them as leaders and deepen their appreciation for the importance of civic responsibility.  Students receive a monthly stipend, health insurance, funds for school-related expenses and enrichment activities and are supported by a local coordinator in their community.

 FLEX students who still need host families are from such cities as:

 Russia – Belebey, Irkutsk , Kaliningrad , Kazan , Krasnoyarsk , Moscow , Saint-Petersburg, Sarov, Strezhevoy, Vladivostok , Volgograd

 Ukraine – Brody, Dzhankoy, Hadyach, Ivano-Frankivsk, Kolomyya, Kostopil, Kranohrad, Lviv, Nova Kakhovka, Radekhiv, Zaporizhzhya

 Kazakhstan – Pavlodar

 American Councils is looking for families willing to host who are able to provide students with a safe, nurturing and English-speaking environment, a place to sleep (sharing a room is okay), meals and snacks as you would normally provide a member of your family and a quiet place to study. All types of families are welcome including those with teenagers or younger children in the home, retirees, “empty nesters”, young couples and single parent families.

 For more information, or to share information with others, please visit http://apps.americancouncils.org/acinbound or contact Brian Peterson in American Councils’ placement office in Washington , DC at 202-833-7522 or bpeterson@americancouncils.org .

 

Reminding Myself to Let Go

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
Lao Tzu

I like that quote. It’s the same as “Let go and let God” but I think it sounds more elegant. It’s so tough to do that, especially for a control freak like me. I want to know everything. I want to have a predictable outcome to my every action. Not knowing scares me. That’s why I read my horoscope, even though I have great skepticism about it.

I also like this one:

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have had that Emerson quote on my refrigerator for many years. It seems to contradict the other quote, doesn’t it? I don’t think it really does, though. I think it complements it. We all want to plot and plan, predict what will happen, make spreadsheets and charts.

I have a hard time sometimes listening to adoptive parents who want to control every aspect of their adoptions. It simply cannot be done. There are too many factors out of your control. They don’t want to hear from me, either. My adoptions happened because I believed I was doing God’s will. I felt strongly, after much prayer, that my children simply needed me to wade through all the paperwork and money issues and get them home. From the moment I saw them, they were mine. You cannot imagine how that annoys accountant type folks.

Now, do I think everyone that says they feel they are doing God’s will is actually doing that? Nope. I think there are a lot of delusional people out there.

“God” is the great, vast unknown. Yes, the bible gives us hints, clues, ideas of God. I have great respect for the bible. Every preacher puts their own spin on it, however. I cannot stand someone who preaches starting off with “God wants you to…” Uh, nope. I have a brain. I can read. I can also discern what I feel is the real message, from whatever source. I have read and studied the bible in classes and on my own, for years. I see it as a beginning, a place to start the journey, not an ending point. There’s too many ways it can be misinterpreted.

The real jumping-off place is exactly what Lao Tzu says, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Am I simply a bag of bones and flesh? Am I merely a woman, and of no account? [Most men on the planet would agree with that, unfortunately.]

I struggle every day to Let Go and Let God. If my tombstone were to be truthful it would probably have to say “Dee finally let go!”

I have two friends who are adoptive moms, and both are struggling mightily to deal with big issues in their lives. These are strong women, both faithful to God, both with strong faith, and yet they struggle. I see my mother, who gave me the greatest gift in the world, a strong faith, struggling to make sense of her life, and its limitations. I see my old friend Jimmy fighting to stay positive, while his body battles the ravages of cancer. I see the death of a beautiful woman my own age, Natasha Richardson, and I am shocked, and shaken. I do not understand why she died, or how that fits into any great plan. She left behind two little boys who needed her. I see all these things, and when I think hard about them, tears come. I hate crying. Yet I seem to do it a lot lately, in secret. Cry and pray, cry and pray.

This middle part of life seems to be my biggest challenge. I am not young, with the optimism and grace of youth. I am not blessed with the peace and wisdom of really advanced years. I am one of the “sandwich” people, trying to care for my kids and my mother. Every day I look in the mirror and see the toll of the day on my face, and grab frantically for the moisturizer. I finally have some hard-won wisdom, and my body is not cooperating. I finally understand my place in the world, and the world doesn’t seem to care at all.

Right now the world seems to be like a bed of quicksand. The economy scares me. Thinking of the future scares me. Trying to figure out time to write, time to help the children, time to be there for Mother, time to relax – there is simply never enough time.

The Emersonian idea of “leave a trail” inspired me a lot when I was enduring the adoption processes. I didn’t know anybody with older adopted kids. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing, or doing a crazy thing. I felt strongly God was leading me, and holding me, but I was still scared.

Emerson said “…go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.” I had to read through a lot of his quotes before I found that one. I wanted to make sure I had the wording just right. Just reading his words was comforting. Even though he gets labeled as a Humanist, that’s not really accurate. He was a Transcendentalist.

“Transcendentalism in America, of which Emerson was the leading figure, resembled British Romanticism in its precept that a fundamental continuity exists between man, nature, and God, or the divine. What is beyond nature is revealed through nature; nature is itself a symbol, or an indication of a deeper reality, in Emerson’s philosophy.”

I’ve always had trouble understanding philosophy, but maybe it’s time I get back to trying again. The quote above comes from a philosophy website. There is great truth in philosophy, but you have to think it through. It’s like running a mental marathon.

I think every person in the world has the capability of understanding philosophy, religion, everything esoteric. It’s all filtered through the unique prism of our minds. We have an infinite number of ideas and a finite amount of brain power, but it all churns together to give us ways to make sense of the world. The complexity of it all seems to me the clearest reason I know to believe in God. Who could make sense of it all, balance it all out, except a supreme being?

Then again, when I reach for that one immutable truth, the one thing to cling to when it seems like everything is darkness, I have to conclude that Love is the only thing that matters. It sounds almost embarrassing, a trite song lyric. Yet, it’s true. I know that like I know the sun will rise. When my kids are flummoxed and hurting, if I hold them and rub their backs, they are soothed. When I am troubled, I want my mother to hold me. When I am heartsick, I want God’s grace to be a comforting balm to me. I must say to myself, in the depth of being so tired I can hardly move, OK God, here’s where I stop spinning my wheels. Here’s where I must close the door and lie down in the darkness and trust you will make the sun rise in the morning, and help me find the path again.

The words of Emerson, the loving embraces of my family, the inspiration and laughter from my friends’ blogs – all these are bits and pieces of God, and every day, I make my way through the cobwebs of doubt and fear, and these things keep me from being caught there. The easy thing to do is despair. The hardest thing is to let go, but I must. I have to turn off the tape in my head playing doubt and fear, the tape that prevents me from hearing God.

I have to put down the burdens, and trust the sun will be there, after the darkness. So must we all.