One of the worst dates of my life, but also one of the funniest, was a fixup. My parents' next door neighbor was something of a busybody and she kept telling me about a man she knew who was new in town and how perfect he was for me.
Wary of blind dates, I allowed that she could give him my phone number and we could talk on the phone but I wouldn't make any promises about going out with him. So he called a few days later and we chatted. He sounded nice enough.
I prepared for the date carefully, in case Kathy was right and he was hunky. I put on a little black dress, high heels, makeup, jewelry, the works. I was dressed to kill - or as close to it as I could get, being a poor grad student.
He came to the door of my tiny apartment and when I opened the door, I hoped, for a split second, the guy standing there was lost, and certainly not my date. My hopes were dashed when he spoke. I don't remember his name, but for purposes of the story I will call him Jeff.
He was not much taller than me [I'm 5'4] and he had carrot red hair and a lot of freckles. He was wearing suit pants, a dress shirt and tie, dress shoes, and a bright orange parka that sorta matched his hair.
He looked like the guy on the MAD Magazine cover, on his way to a business meeting at the South Pole.
I invited him in.
"Wow, it's really cold out there!" he exclaimed.
"Yep, I think I better put on something warmer. Hold on a minute," I said, heading back to my room.
Yikes, I have to go through with this, I was thinking, I don't want to be rude. I also don't want this guy making a move at the end of the evening. So I took off the little black dress and put on a large corduroy jumper over a turtleneck, and pulled my hair back in a ponytail. I also put on thick socks and sturdy boots. I looked like an extra on Little House on the Prairie.
We went to dinner at an Italian restaurant I liked a lot. I ordered something expensive, but I can't remember what. The guy had plenty of money. I knew that from Cathy's description of him.
I also thought, even if I'm not attracted to him, he's a nice guy and maybe there's a basis for friendship there.
I was trying to chitchat pleasantly, when the interrogation started. He didn't try to be subtle or work things casually into a conversation, he just fired off questions.
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked.
"I'm a paralegal."
"Do you want to go to law school one day?" he continued.
"Um, no, actually, as I mentioned, I'm in graduate school getting a master's in English."
"What do you plan to do with that?" he asked incredulously. "Teach?"
"I am a writer," I said, starting to get annoyed.
"What do you write?"
"Mostly poetry," I said. He looked at me like I was an escaped lunatic.
"Do you work out?"
"Yes. "
"How often?" he asked.
Now I was getting annoyed.
"Oh, sometimes as often as twice a week!"
"What sort of workout do you do? Cardio? Weight Training?"
"Oh, I walk to campus. Sometimes even I take the stairs to my apartment!" [I lived on the third floor]
"Do you eat healthy?"
"Well, yeah, most of the time. I don't eat Top Ramen, just Campbell's soup. I try to eat a salad at least once a week, and every day I eat a Granola bar."
He looked skeptical of my answers but I was actually being pretty truthful. I was a poor grad student, I couldn't afford a gym membership.
The food came, but the interrogation continued. He stopped just short of asking me about the deductions on my last tax return or the number of fillings in my teeth. He must have trained at the KGB school of dating.
Even if he had looked like Rob Lowe it wouldn't have mattered at that point.
Finally, after I had finished my cannoli and was wondering whether I should even bother to disguise a healthy burp, I decided to go for the kill shot and shut the guy down.
"You know what, Jeff?" I said, leaning forward, trying to look alluring and sincere at the same time. "I really, really want to get married. I am SO ready to be a mom. I am thinking this is going SO well, maybe you're Mr. Right! Are you feeling it too?"
He paid the check quickly, after first getting out a huge calculator and figuring the tip.
Ladies, if you want to end a date quickly, you don't have to be rude. Just tell the guy you want to get married and have kids RIGHT NOW. About 99% of the time, this works beautifully. The guy is gone in a heartbeat, and you will NEVER hear from him again.
Try and get him to pay the check first, though.
