The Crab Chronicles

Coping

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Alesia’s behavior continues to be good. Maybe she was just feeling the stress last weekend – lord knows I was stressed out enough.

Mother is having a rough time of it at Manor Care. Some of the nurses are good and respond quickly, and sometimes not. Last night she had a bad night, coughing a lot. Today she had a bout of nausea and threw up after rehab. Then she refused to eat any dinner at all, even just saltines.

Bruce found a private sitter to stay with her at night, and just be there to help her. Tonight will be the first night. I met her and she seems competent. Her aunt is a nurse at the center. We think this will be a good thing – we hope so anyway. The daytime staff seems to be much more responsive than the nighttime staff, so that’s less worrisome.

They’re piling on the cases at work. I can handle it, so far. Kind of irritates me they chose right now, when I am so stressed out, to do it. We have 2 paralegals out on leave at the moment, so maybe when they get back from leave things will ease up.

I am having a stressful time just keeping up with everything, plus monitoring Mom, trying to arrange childcare, etc. This afternoon I cried a lot. I talked to Bruce and he said Mother wasn’t a happy camper, and it upset me, particularly knowing I couldn’t go and help. I cried some more in the car after I left work. I hate feeling so weak, but then again maybe it’s therapeutic to cry.

Bruce left tonight when I got to the rehab center. He had to go home to work all weekend. I miss him. He said he would be back Monday. My childcare for next week is iffy and I may need him to help with that. He and Alesia get along great. She seems to adore him. He plays with her. It’s so good for her to have a positive father-figure in her life.

Tomorrow, Mom will be alone all day until I can get there tomorrow night. I hate that, but there’s nothing I can do. I am thinking about taking Coco on the leash and letting Alesia sit on the porch with her, though. They have a nice porch with rocking chairs. We might could induce Mom to go out there and see Coco. Or maybe that could happen Saturday. I can’t plan but a day at a time.

I made plans to go to my cousin Frann’s daughter’s wedding in Augusta next weekend. I won’t be gone but one day, and Lesleigh is going to house-sit. I told Mom I would get folks to check on her while I’m gone and she said that’s fine. We both want Alesia to attend a wedding, and knowing Frann I’m sure it will be beautiful. I also look forward to seeing my Thompson cousins that I seldom get to see. I just pray Mom is a lot better by then.

Elva's New Digs

Monday, June 13, 2005

Finally, I feel like a corner has been turned. Mom finally went to rehab today.

The facility is nice. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home and how depressing that place was to me, and this isn’t like that. The place is decorated nicely, the rooms look nice, the staff is friendly.

Mom has a large room, and it doesn’t feel crowded even with her roommate in there. The roommate is hard of hearing, which is probably a blessing for her.

I told Felicia, the nurse, that Mom was in a lot of pain and able to do almost nothing for herself, and might or might not go along with a rigorous therapy program. Felicia said the therapists were excellent. Their goal is to get her self-sufficient so she can leave. She said they keep the patients busy and are good at motivating them. Felicia added that the therapists will work to find the best therapist to work with Mom – the person who motivates her most.

Felicia said she has worked for Manor Care for more than 11 years and really likes the company, so that is terrific.

Bruce came back in this afternoon and said he would stay for a day or two and make sure Mom is okay. He said he did remind her that if she’s not more active, if she just lies around in bed and won’t try to do the exercises, that her pneumonia can worsen and she could die. I don’t know if it’s true, but it sounds dire.

Alesia and I had a couple of serious talks yesterday about her behavior. She has been exhibiting a lot of attitude. I told her she needs to really listen – she tunes out things a lot. She also needs to behave herself, to do what she’s told, etc. I particularly stressed that going to the swimming pool, watching movies, getting a bicycle, etc. are all privileges, not rights. Leslie said she had gotten very fussy at the pool the other day. She is getting a bit of “only child” syndrome, and I wanted to nip that in the bud.

Last night before bed, when she was reluctant to write a letter back to the girls at Topolevo [the orphanage] who had written to her, I reminded her that any one of those girls would love to be in her place, with a mother and a grandmother and uncle and a nice house, etc. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but it just popped out.

I never want Alesia to feel I think she is some sort of charity case, or I was just being a humanitarian by adopting her. I want her to know that I thought she was my daughter from the moment I saw her, and that’s the bottom line. God led me to her.

I told her yesterday after the lecture that I think she is a smart, sweet, wonderful girl. I also said I will always love her and she will always be my daughter and no matter how bad she is. I also said I would never ever allow anyone to take her away from me. I think she really needed that reassurance.

Today her behavior has improved dramatically.

Torn Apart

Saturday, June 11, 2005  [Note: see new photos posted today]

I feel less sick today. I didn’t sleep too well last night, but I got enough rest, I think. I have coughed far less today and I feel better overall, though my energy level is still way down.

I took Alesia to the hospital this morning to see Mom. She did fine. She likes the escalator in the hospital. She was not in a great mood with me, though, because she wanted to sleep all morning, not get up at 8.

We have white lilies blooming in the backyard, and a gardenia bush, so I cut some of those and put them in Mom’s room.

Mom was sitting up in the wheelchair and the physical therapist was working with her, which was good. Mom said she had been sitting in the chair several hours. I’m not sure if that was accurate – her sense of time is still screwed up. She was in a fairly good humor, though, and talkative.

We left the hospital and went to Bed Bath & Beyond to get some new curtains for Alesia. I had tried some pretty lace curtains in her room but Bruce said they were transparent and she needed heavier ones. The only ones I liked were rather expensive, but they look good in the room.

When we got home Alesia said she didn’t feel well. She ate some chicken soup, but then later threw it up. She said her head hurt.

I had planned a playdate with two little Russian adoptee sisters, but when they came over Alesia didn’t feel like playing. She said she just wanted to sleep. I was surprised. The girls and their brother were adopted by the Barr family a couple of years ago and they live nearby. There are also 2 biological children. They were cute girls, ages 11 and 14. I apologized, and said we would find another time for them to get together. Alesia is so seldom sick, I just thought maybe she would perk up and play quietly when she saw the girls and I explained they could speak Russian, but she truly didn’t feel well. I don’t know what caused it. She tends to get upset tummy pretty easily, but she hadn’t had anything weird to eat or drink…

We had a quiet afternoon. I hung some paintings, and unpacked a couple of boxes while Alesia napped. I finally found the glass to go in the family room coffee table, thank god. Alesia perked up after her nap.

Bronwyn, the sitter, had to deal with phone issues at her apartment and couldn’t keep Alesia for me as planned, so I had to scramble to find a sitter so I could go to the hospital. I didn’t want to take Alesia twice in one day. I finally called Tim and Maxi and they said sure, bring her over. They live very close by, with Tim’s mother Julia. Alesia met them at the Pow Wow so I felt she would be comfortable. Plus Tim’s my cousin, and he and Maxi love children.

I went on to the hospital and spent less than an hour there. Mom was talkative, but spoke sharply to me several times, and I wasn’t in the mood to be ordered about like a servant. I don’t know how Bruce put up with it all week. Last time I spent much time with her [last Sunday] she slept most of the time. Finally, today, some technicians came to take an x-ray and I left. I wanted to spend a peaceful evening with Alesia.

As I was leaving Mom said “I wish I could talk to you on the phone.” I replied “Well find somebody to hold the phone for you and call me.” I felt guilty all evening about leaving Mom. Then again, last weekend I felt guilty about leaving Alesia so much. Hell, I feel guilty about leaving Coco. I cannot be everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I am being torn in too many directions.

Alesia and I watched “Dances With Wolves” when we got home. Tim and Maxi had already fed her, Captain D’s.  We were able to watch the whole epic in one evening. She loved the movie. I sat and did some mending while we watched the movie. It was a nice evening.

I miss Mother. I keep wanting to cry, but I stop myself, because I don’t want Alesia to see it and worry. I try to project an image of being strong. One day maybe I will tell her how scared I am.

Friday

Friday, June 10, 2005

It’s been a long and hellish week. My cold has set in and I’m coughing a lot and my head hurts a lot. I feel sure it’s a bad cold plus probably a sinus infection. I came home today and slept all afternoon.

Alesia was mad at me most of today.

This morning at breakfast, I had to go over the pool rules with her again and she sulked and pouted. Lesleigh said that yesterday at the pool she was splashing her, getting in the lap lanes, and swimming under the diving board, then whined when Lesleigh said they had to go. I told Alesia that since she has now been told several times not to do those things, that the next time it happens she will have to leave the pool. She tends to pout and not listen, and only punishing her will make her remember, I know from experience.

When I got home this afternoon I felt so rotten. All I wanted to do was sleep. I watched Alesia playing with Coco in a way that makes Coco bite – sticking out her hand and pulling it back. Mother and I have both told her to stop that because it has made Coco bitey again, and she had mostly stopped that before Mom left Augusta. Alesia argued with me and I just blew up and yelled at her and sent her to her room. She has to learn not to argue with me.

I have to keep reinforcing with Alesia that I am the mother and she has to obey me. If I don’t make her follow my rules now she sure won’t do it when she’s older and starts dating.

Tonight Alesia is mad at me because I made her go to bed at 10:30 and I won’t let Coco sleep with her. Coco has to sleep downstairs. Coco doesn’t like being down there by herself and she is fussy, but she will settle down. She has been sleeping with Bruce all week but he has returned to Columbia to work this weekend.

Mom won’t be released from the hospital until probably Monday. She is still coughing a lot, not eating much, and in pain.

Late this afternoon, after I woke up, I finally took Alesia to the hospital today to see Granny. Now that she’s feeling better and eating a little, Mom looks a lot better. She is alert and can carry on a conversation. On Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, she was still sleeping a lot and sometimes not lucid. They have decreased the pain meds considerably now.

Alesia did fine at the hospital. She sat and watched TV mostly. She didn’t seem traumatized. I think it did her good to see Granny. I think that missing Granny has contributed to her being so fussy, plus her period.

I wasn’t happy that Bruce left tonight to return to Columbia, but he says he has to work tomorrow and Sunday. He promised to return Monday morning, to help move Mother to the rehab center. He is burned out, I can tell. He’s been getting milkshakes and things to tempt Mom to eat, helping her go to the potty, etc. Plus there’s the emotional toll.

Last night I went straight to the hospital from work, and made Bruce go home. He took Alesia to the mall. I know she enjoyed the outing. I left the hospital about 8:45, but my cousin Robin was there with Mom. Bruce and I didn’t eat dinner until about 9:30, but he had made Alesia a grilled cheese sandwich and she was OK. I think it’s good for him to feel part of a family again.

The doctor came in tonight when we were all in the room, and he said Mom has pneumonia. They didn’t discover it until she was on the operating table a week ago. So that’s why they’re been giving her all sorts of IV antibiotics and breathing treatments. And they have to get her up and moving so her congestion won’t get worse. It’s better, but not gone yet. They made her walk down the hall today.

Bruce rigged up a water bottle with a long tube in it so Mom can get sips of water any time she wants, which made me feel better about not staying with her all the time. I will spend time with her tomorrow morning and go back late in the afternoon for a while, also on Sunday, but I am not going to stay at the hospital constantly any more. I just can’t keep doing it – too exhausting, and I need to be with Alesia. I told Mom that was the plan and she agreed.

Mom has gotten lots of get-well cards and notes and calls, and that cheers her up. It’s going to be such a long haul, though. I just pray Mom will fight hard to regain mobility and do what the therapist tells her.

I am very stressed out, of course, and just praying I won’t get worse. I just cannot be sick right now. I am constantly eating vitamins and Grapeseed Extract [a great antioxidant]. I have times I feel fine, and times I cough a lot and I feel incredibly tired and my head aches. I just want this to all be over…

Thursday

June 9, 2005

It will be Alesia's birthday in exactly one month. I need to start planning. I just have too much on my  mind and too many things are uncertain, though. I promised her I would get her a bicycle. I want her to pick it out and get one she wants, though. I'll have to find time somewhere...

Mom called the house last night and talked to me briefly and to Alesia briefly. It was good for Alesia to hear her voice. Once Mom is settled in the rehab place I will take Alesia to see her.

Mom seemed perfectly lucid yesterday when I saw her which was a blessing. She was out of it on pain meds on Saturday [some] Sunday [mostly] and to a lesser extent monday and Tuesday. Yesterday was her first fully coherent/lucid day since the surgery. It relieves me a lot.

Bruce said the physical therapist talked to Mom pretty strongly yesterday about her trying harder and doing more in therapy. Mom has been reluctant to do much because of the pain and discomfort. I don't know what the therapist said but Mom was doing more yesterday. I tend to wait on Mom a lot and Bruce takes a more "tough love" approach.

Surprisingly, Mom's left shoulder [the one with the pins and rods] is less painful for her than the right one, which had a simple fracture.

We thought Mom would be moved to rehab yesterday but they are waiting until they get test results from her stomach tests. hopefully she can be moved today.

Update on Nightmare

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Bruce has been going to the hospital and staying with mom the past two days. I have limited my own visits to a long lunch hour. Bruce doesn't follow all her orders - scratch me, give me water, etc. He makes her use her arms, which is good, the therapist said. She has to regain mobility.

She hopped out of bed several times today to use the potty. She is eating better too - Bruce got some cream of chicken soup in her. Of course that means more potty visits...

Mom is weaned off most pain meds and is complaining constantly about pain and discomfort. Sometimes she's not lucid, but mostly she's all there. The nurses told me the other day that once she started really complaining she was ready to check out.

The rehab dr. said she was ready to go, but they're waiting on one final clearance, from the cardiologist. She is going to a rehab facility accross the street called Manor Care. My friend Gary's grandmother was there for a couple of months recently and Gary's Mom said they were very happy with her care there. Another friend told me her grandmother had been in a Manor Care facility and they were very impressed with it. So I hope it's a good place. I will check on her every day.

Alesia was kept by a neighbor today and got to go to the pool for 2 hours. She was tickled. She is going to tan nicely, though I'm amazed she didn't get burned today. She got a lecture about using sunscreen.

Alesia helped me cook dinner. She is a good helper. She washed, peeling, and sliced about 6 zucchini. She also helped me bake pork chops. She will be a good little cook one of these days. That was one of the things I wanted Mom to do with her this summer, help her learn cooking. Guess I'll have to do it.

She said the funniest thing the other day when Lesleigh was keeping her. I got home and was chatting with her and said "Did y'all go to the grocery store today?" She said "No, but we went to Publix."

To complicate my life, I feel like I'm getting sick. I am getting hoarse and coughing. Oh joy. Visiting hospitals always makes me sick, plus stress. The last time my mother was in the hospital, in 1999, I got bronchitis really bad. After visiting my uncle Lewis in the  hospital a couple of years ago I got bronchitis. So there's the pattern...

Nightmare

Friday, June 3, 2005

My mother fell yesterday and broke both of her shoulders. She is 71 years old. She had surgery tonight - pins and rods put in her left shoulder, which was the worst. I spent all afternoon and evening at the hospialt yesterday, and most of the day today.

I am coping, but very tired. Alesia stayed with a neighbor last night. Tonight my dear cousin Lesleigh is with her and helping us out. I prefer Alesia to stay home with Coco and be in her familiar envrionment.

Alesia drew a beautiful, sweet card for her Granny. She has helped out a lot around the house - even put up all my clean clothes tonight. She is a love.

I'm taking everything day by day and praying a lot. My friends are wonderful help.

Don't know when I will be able to post. more later.

My American Girl

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

            Just now, as I was putting Alesia to bed she said, “I want candy.” I said “Nope, it’s time to sleep.”

“I want candy,” she repeated, pouting.

I said “Nope. You had an ice cream cone earlier, that’s all the sweets you need tonight.” She kept pouting.

            I said, “If you eat candy all the time, your teeth will rot and drop out. And you’ll be really fat. You’ll be a big fat toothless girl.”

            “No. I won’t never be fat.”

            “Yep, if you eat candy all the time you will be,” I repeated.

            She kept pouting.

            “I eat candy in Russia and I not fat.”

            “Well, in Russia you didn’t get vitamins or good food, either.”

            After a short lecture about candy having no nutritional value, and a repeated warning about being fat and toothless, I let it go.

Just before dinner tonight she had pouted because I insisted she said Yes M’am instead of “Yeah.” I explained it’s about respect, and I expect her to say it. More pouting.

When I got home and gave her 2 new Leap Pad games, she was irritated that she already had one of them, even after I said we’d exchange it for another one.

            I finally said to her tonight, “Alesia, you’re getting spoiled and I don’t like that. You’re not going to eat candy any time you want it. You won’t get a bicycle just because you demand it right now. I am not made of money. You’ll get things when I can afford them. That’s life.”

            As Mom said, she thinks we are very rich, and she doesn’t understand we have monetary limits. After I finish paying off the move and the adoption there will be little, if anything, left over. I have a feeling I am going to be in debt for a long time.

            A funny observation: in Russia, like Europe, drinks never have ice in them. Alesia has now gotten so used to America she fills her glass up with ice whenever she drinks water or the occasional soda. Sometimes there’s very little liquid, just a lot of ice.

She was irritated the other day when we got Granny a cell phone and not her. She is totally an American adolescent now…