The Crab Chronicles

Eyebrows

8/31/05

Alesia informed right before getting out of the car at school today that she had darkened her eyebrows. I looked, and sure enough she had taken a BLACK pencil [art pencil, I’m sure] and darkened up her little eyebrows. Looked a tad freaky. Looked like two black caterpillars crawling across her face. I said “Sweetie, you’re a natural blonde – you can’t use black pencil! It looks weird.” She looked puzzled and then said she knew blondes with black eyebrows. I said well they weren’t natural blondes, I guarantee you. LOL.

She is so fari, you can't see her eyebrows. I am going to let her darken her eyebrows but a light brown, not black. She can’t wear real makeup until she’s 15 – she knows that. The eyebrow thing is a hoot, though. My mother darkens her eyebrows and I darken mine when I wear makeup, and she has seen that, so we’ve corrupted her!

Granny Rode Shotgun

August 27, 2005

We rode up to the mountains this morning, and had lunch at the Dillard House. Granny was pretty excited to be in the car going somewhere - anywhere, I think. She's getting cabin fever, a wee bit. not much I can do about it except encourage her to work those pitiful arms so she can drive again. She actually cooked most of my breakfast this morning - I have to be honest, it made me nervous. When I think about the anxiety of her operating a skillet, I know that I am not ready for her to operate a 2 ton automobile....

The mountains are Mother's favorite getaway, except maybe for the beach.

Alesia had never been to the mountains and liked it. Mom liked the food at Dillard House [despite the wait] and ate a good lunch - first time in months I've seen her enjoy her food. She had country fried steak and ten different vegetables she didn't fix, plus homemade bisquits and sweet tea - what else is there to life?  We had enough leftovers we brought them home and had them for dinner.

We stopped on the way home and got silver queen corn, peaches, tomatoes, etc. at a roadside produce stand. Alesia found some yellow tomatoes and was very excited.

They are widening the road all the way up from before Clayton into Dillard - it's ugly seeing all the earth displaced, but I'm sure it will be a good move for business.

I gave Alesia a fairly serious lecture tonight about the importance of learning new English words every day - the ones in her school lessons - so she won't fall behind. Here's where my knowledge of French and Italian finally came in handy. I told her how I wasn't a good student in high school and didn't keep up with my French, and made a lot of C's particularly the second year - idiotic, since I have a facility for languages and if I'd just made and effort I could speak French fluently now. [Or at least know enough to tell them where to head in, and take a bath, and don't smoke in my face, etc.] In college I did better because I studied my Italian every single day. It's important to keep up every day and not wait until the last moment. Language is cumulative.

Last week I had to spend hours on her homework with her several nights. It was draining - we'd be slaving away until 10 p.m. I told her THIS week she will be expected to have done her homework when I get home. She gets home just after 4 and I don't usually get home until 6:30. That should give her time to also get a snack, ride her bike, relax some. I will check over homework and answer questions, but then hopefully after dinner and her bath we will have time to watch a movie.

My Little Monkey

Saturday, August 27, 2005

 The weather has turned unusually cool – mid-upper 80’s in the late afternoon. Not bad for August. The trip to the grocery store this morning was not the usual sweatfest.

Alesia and I met Maria and Perrin at a great place here that is a huge indoor climbing wall. Alesia climbed for a long time and had a lot of fun. She is getting really muscular. I have been looking for an activity for her, and this might be the one. She scrambled up those walls like a monkey. There is a club for climbers - she could try that and see if she wanted to be on a team. It will probably all depend on how sore she is tomorrow!

Maria has an exchange student living with her for several months, 16 year old Sam. He is from Australia. He is quiet and polite, a really nice kid. I was impressed with how good he was with the younger kids. He’s a cutie pie too – in a few years he’ll be a real heartbreaker.

 Alesia’s behavior has improved 100% and she is trying to control herself and not act pouty. She came close this morning in the store. Mom got her cheered up.

 I have had the pleasure of sharing fun movies with Alesia since we got on Netflix. The other night we watched Private Benjamin. Tonight we watched Romancing the Stone. I remember when each of those came out, and I thought what hip, cool movies they were. Now they seem hopelessly dated. Alesia enjoyed them both, however. That’s the important part.

            Tonight when we were getting ready to watch Romancing the Stone, Alesia looked at me and said "What's this about? It's about like how people they kissing and stuff?" I thought about it a moment and said "Yes, that's it. Watch and learn."

        I looked on a website about Ukrainian adoption and showed Alesia some of the photos of kids who have been adopted from there. She didn't seem particularly interested, except to say the babies were cute. I asked her if she would prefer to have a little brother instead of a sister, and she just shrugged and said "I dunno." It wasn't a Hallmark moment, but it was genuine.

 

Sisters

8/25/05

I didn't have time to post last night, but I found myself typing a rather long e-mail today so I thought I'd reproduce it here.

 I casually asked Alesia last night how she would feel about having a little sister, and she said OK. I asked her if we went to the Ukraine to get a little one, would she like to come with me and interpret for me? And help me pick out a child? I tried to be very casual about it, just to see what she’d say. She said she wasn’t sure; she might like to stay with Granny. I reassured her I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to do it, and it probably wouldn’t be for at least a year. She didn’t act negative towards the idea at all, which I took as a good sign.

I figured out that since my company gives a $3,000 adoption grant, and I will probably get another fat $6-7,000 tax refund check [you get a $7K tax credit the year the adoption is final] that I can afford one from the Ukraine. I found a lady who helps people adopt from there without an agency, and says the cost is only around $10K. I am thinking I’d like a little girl maybe 5-7 years old. This is all contingent on finances, selling the condo, Mom’s health, Alesia’s approval, etc. But I just don’t want her to be an only child.

When my mother was sick I thought to myself, there’s no way I could possibly get through this nightmare without my brother. He was my rock. I would’ve had to take a leave of absence from work if not for him. Siblings are important for that kind of support.  I also want Alesia to have a sibling, so when I’m gone she won’t feel alone.

We spent 1.5 hours doing homework last night, finally finishing at 9:50. Then I had to help Mother get ready for bed while Alesia brushed her teeth and got herself ready. That takes longer now – she has to do 2 different mouth rinses because the dentist found a cavity the other day – her first – and I don’t want a repeat of that. She never got fluoride treatments in Russia, I’m sure.

She is chattering away a LOT more now. It’s amazing and gratifying. We had a discussion the other night about the importance of her getting a college scholarship. She said she understood. I reinforced it last night. The homework took so long because she forgot to bring her books home on Monday. Then I realized she didn’t know most of the key vocabulary words and made her get her dictionary and look them up, and write them down, then re-read. I told her she MUST write down all words she doesn’t know and review them later and get the definitions, then re-read. I told her this year will be a tough one. I think/hope/pray that this made an impression. She’s so smart, but she needs a push to get her motivated. Mom said I showed remarkable patience. I thought it was sorta fun really. I like reading her Georgia Studies book.

We may ride up to the mountains this weekend and take a picnic. Alesia has never been to our mountains, I don’t think. I can’t remember if I took her when we got home. Don’t think so…

They do What?

8/23/05

Last Sunday I hosted a brunch in honor of a friend of mine who recently moved back to the area. I love to entertain, and it gave me a good excuse to get the house cleaned.

I was in Alesia's bathroom doing a last minute check. She was standing there watching me. I lifted up the toilet lid.

"I clean toilet, Mom!" she protested.

"Good, Sweetie, I just wanted to make sure, since we have men coming over and they may use this bathroom."

She looked puzzled.

I continued, "You know, men pee standing up?"

She still looked puzzled. Her wispy blonde eyebrows knit together and she peered into the toilet as if it contained a sea monster.

"They do WHAT?!" she said incredulously. "They not sitting down?"

"No, you know, they pee standing up."  I pantomimed what a man looks like peeing. She looked horrified. I just chuckled.

"Trust me, this is how they pee. So we have to make sure the toilet is clean."

I told Mother about it today when Alesia was in the shower. She busted out laughing.

I remembered tonight that I was actually ignorant of the mechanics of male peeing until I was about 11. Then I saw it, in person. Scarred me for years.

A business friend of my father's was visiting and I walked in on him in the bathroom, by accident. I got a good look at the peeing he was doing. he was well endowed. He grinned at me. I fled. I ran up to my room and refused to leave it the rest of the weekend he was there. I was mortified with embarrassment.

Alesia got a much less traumatic introduction to it.

Pee on, guys.
[cross posted]

Monday

8/22/05

It's definitely Monday. I went to bed early last night because I was so exhausted, and it was very tough to get out of the bed this morning.

I hosted a brunch for some friends on Sunday. My friend Gary moved back to this area not long ago and I wanted to help him hook up with friends, so I invited several of my other friends to meet him. I think it went really well. Everyone seemed to have a good time and stayed from 11 until almost 2:30.

I had a heart to heart talk with Alesia Friday night, and gave her a letter to read from me, which I had gotten translated into Russian. I think it finally made an impression on her. It's hard to explain words like "attitude" to her.

Discipline is the yucky part of parenting, I’ve decided. You can do it with love, though. I tell Alesia I love her every night when I tuck her into bed, just before I walk out the door. I also tell her when I drop her off at school. The other night when  we read the letter and talked, I said “If I didn’t care about you a great deal, I wouldn’t make you be a good girl. For the rest of your life, you will have to be good, do what people tell you, and do things you don’t like. That’s just life. I’m trying to get you prepared because I love you.” 

In just the last week I’ve found out that Alesia used to smoke cigarettes, wear makeup on occasion, and has even been given beer and wine. She remembers seeing her grandfather passed out drunk, having peed in his pants. She also said she remembers the police arresting her mother – I suspect her mother was a prostitute, since she never worked a real job, according to court records. She remembers being left alone when she was small, and being terrified because there was a storm outside.

Mother and I both have the feeling that now she’s in a home and loved, she may be letting herself open up, sort of talk about these terrible things, because she does feel safe and loved. I just try to remember to let her talk, not be judgmental, and never say anything negative about her birth family. So far, all I’ve said is that her mother was sick with a disease called alcoholism and just couldn’t care for her.

We watched a movie over the weekend in which some of the characters addressed each other as “M’am” and “Sir” – she was astonished. I had been telling her it is just a form of respect, but I don’t think she ever really understood. Now she knows I’m not making up those terms…

My new computer is great - much faster than the old one. The pictures program allows me to store lots more photos, crop, etc. - even take out redeye. I have posted some more photos here.

Mom is trying to do a lot more now. She helped me with several things yesterday in preparation for the brunch. I just worry she is overdoing it.

Some of my friends at the brunch yesterday pointed out how we can re-landscape the backyard to keep it from turning into a pond every time it rains. now we just have to find a landscaper.

Revelations

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

It was sort of a dull day at work. Nothing of interest to report there.

When I got home, Lesleigh was here and stayed for a short visit. I gave her a pair of Crocs I had bought for her for her birthday and as a thank you gift for keeping Alesia so much when Mom was in the hospital. She really saved me – I didn’t want Alesia to have to spend hours and hours sitting around the hospital, and Lesleigh loves her and cares for her like her own child. We were so lucky she wasn’t working when Mom fell. She moved in and stayed with Alesia that entire first weekend.

I was tickled to see Lesleigh’s reaction to the shoes. She was delighted. They are a size 5 – she wears 5 ½, but they still fit, thank God. She immediately put them on and said how good they felt. She was bouncing around saying she felt like she was walking on air. It was so cute.

Alesia and I almost got into a fight tonight picking out her school clothes. She didn’t want to conform to the dress code colors and rules about no writing on clothing. She kept saying “But everybody does it!” which nearly caused me to really lose it. I said “I don’t care what everybody does! I don’t CARE! You will follow the rules!” Finally we got calmed down.

I asked her why she keeps getting mad every time Granny and I try to tell her anything. Mom tried to tell her tonight to wash her hands before she gets ice out of the freezer. She got mad and pouted. I imitated her pouting and exhibiting her bad attitude. She got the giggles. I said “It’s no fun for me and Granny having to see that face on you. What if we made that face and got mad all the time?!” I showed her what that would look like. More giggles.

Somehow we got on the subject of her birth family. We talked about them for a few minutes. She said she remembered her mother leaving her alone during a thunderstorm when she was very little. She was scared. She remembers the police taking her mother away to jail, and her coming back. She doesn’t remember her mother’s face – which bothers her.

I told her that her mother was 17 years old when she was born, and she should never have left her alone, that she didn’t get enough food or clothes. I said “You were taken away from your mother because she couldn’t take care of you.” I explained about alcohol being a sickness and her mother being very sick.

Alesia very calmly corrected me and said no, she had to go into the orphanage because she ate something that disagreed with her and she couldn’t poop, and she had to go to the hospital. She said she had to go to several hospitals, then the orphanage. This is how she has coped with losing her mother, obviously. I reiterated very gently that no, she had to go into orphanage because her mother couldn’t take care of her.

Alesia insisted that her mother wrote her a letter when she was at Topolevo. She even got out her small box of things she brought from the orphanage and looked for the letter, but of course it wasn’t there. She said she must have thrown it away. She saves everything, so that’s not true. Maybe she invented the fictional letter to comfort herself. The social worker at the orphanage said Alesia had no contact at all from her birth family the whole time she was in the orphanage – which was unusual.

She also told me [to my horror] that she had sneaked around and smoked cigarettes when she was in the orphanage – for 2 months. All the people in Russia smoke. I wasn’t really surprised. She said when she was caught smoking she was punished and she quit. I told her she must never, ever smoke, because she would get cancer and die.

She also said in Russia that she got to drink beer at holidays, and sometimes wine. That wouldn’t surprise me either. I made her promise me she would NEVER drink anything. I explained that alcoholism is inherited and she would become an alcoholic if she started drinking. I’m not sure if she understood. I finally said it’s illegal to drink in America if you’re under 21 years old. She looked puzzled. “What about beer and wine?” I explained that they are alcoholic drinks, too. I repeated several times that she must never drink. She said “But I see you drink wine!” I said I won’t ever drink anything again. I had already decided not to drink around her, but that cinched it. I don’t much like to drink anyway so it’s no big loss. I want her to know there is one family member she can count on, who won’t drink around her. She’s had enough grief to deal with, whether or not she consciously realizes why she doesn’t like me to drink.

During this rather long conversation I also explained that I would not leave her alone, that she isn’t mature enough yet. Then I had to try and explain “mature.” She wouldn’t know how to handle an emergency if she was by herself. I can’t see that happening for another year or so, at least. Maybe when she’s 16…

Tuesday

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Alesia and I had a major fight this morning. She wouldn't get ready quickly enough to prevent me being late to work. She was a total pill. I lost it and yelled at her in the car on the way to school. Then I gave her the third lecture in as many days. I am so frustrated. She can behave when she wants to, but she is constantly pushing the limits. I went to work and spent all morning toggling back and forth from work to a letter I wrote to her. I then e-mailed it to Kate to translate into Russian, so there won't be any confusion. I intend to post a schedule and make her conform to it, and I am going to get a lot tougher on her. I intend to give my "inner drill sergeant" free rein. I may even make her do push ups for minor infractions. Of course I will have to show her a push up and that will be painful...

The new computer is working well. It's faster than a speeding bullet. I am just getting used to it. It's like getting used to the feeling of driving a new car.

I gave Paul a pair of Crocs [shoes] for his birthday and he says he loves them. Maria got a pair too. tomorrow I am giving lesleigh a pair. I am becoming an evangelist spreading the gospel of Crocs - the most comfortable shoe on earth! Praise God!

New Computer

Saturday, August 13, 2005

A good day. Tired, though.

To save myself the trouble of typing more, I am just going to copy an e-mail I sent out today to a cousin that I haven't been in touch with in a while. She lives in California.

Sorry I have been out of touch. My life is just about work, caring for Mom, Alesia, the house, the dog, etc. - in no order. Everything seems to come before me, though. I maybe have an hour to myself, late at night, if I'm lucky. Guess that's normal for a working mother with a hurt parent...

Mom is healing, albeit slowly, and can do most things for herself except dress and bathe. I still have to help her there, though she's come a long way. She still can't lift her arms much above her chest level. We have to work on that before she can drive.

I do feel torn, a lot, between caring for Mom and giving Alesia the attention she deserves.

Alesia has been exhibiting a lot of normal adolescent attitude, but not all the time. Sometimes she's sweet and perky, other times moody. We made a cake today, which she enjoyed. She got mad when she went in the backyard and Mom told her to go put on some shoes - just scowled and ran back inside. That's fairly typical.

A lot of times she still gets frustrated because of her communication difficulties. I'd say she understands 80-90% of everything she hears. It's harder for her to communicate, though. A typical sentence would be "When you will be coming home?"

We were pleased that the other day while Mom was in therapy Alesia took a book to read, in English. I think it's about 4th grade level. She said she understood most of it - enough to enjoy the story, she said. She has a lot of books she can read, that a friend of mine gave me for her.

I had no computer for over a week - the old one died. Paul got me a new one and installed it, but still has yet to transfer most of my documents and photos to the new machine. It's spiffy, though - has 10 times more memory, is much faster, and even plays DVD's. He also loaded on music.

We watch a LOT of movies, so I finally signed up for NetFlix. Excellent service. We get 3 DVD's at a time, in the mail, and return them at our convenience. No late fees. Pre-postmarked envelope to return them. I got so fed up with Blockbuster not having movies I wanted to show Alesia. This past week we have watched "Young Sherlock Holmes" and "Victor/Victoria."

Today we didn't get much done, because one of the shelves in the food pantry collapsed yesterday when Alesia had stacked up too many canned goods. It wasn't her fault - they were cheap shelves. But we had to wait on the handyman to get out here today and fix the shelves, and he had to buy new screws, etc. Then we "went to ride" to get Mom out of the house, and bought a new hanging basket. About the time we got out of the plant store we had to drive home in horrible thunderstorms.

We have had an unusually cool and rainy summer. Only a few days have been really uncomfortable. I am tickled. Alesia thinks it's way to hot if it's over 80. LOL.

Well, I will close, as I am exhausted, as usual. Stay in touch!

Anxiety

Friday, August 12, 2005

Paul says my computer has arrived and he should be able to set it up either tonight or tomorrow morning, thanks be to God. I am soooo tired of not having it available to me when I want or need to write. It's been only a little over a week but it feels like a year.

I have been very worried about Mom's being sick for several days, the latest bout of nausea, diarrhea, no appetite.

On the plus side, I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a buddy of mine here at work whose mother suffered from a condition called C-Diff  after being in a nursing home. She had nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy. It was caused by heavy antibiotic treatment and all the good bacteria and microorganisms in the colon being destroyed. C-diff is common. My friend recommended a product called Culturelle.

After calling and talking to the doctor, I got a box of the Culturelle at CVS and took it to Mom yesterday on my lunch hour. It has actually helped. Made the nausea go away almost immediately. Mom slept pretty good last night too, she said. I read on the product's website that a lot of IBS patients have gotten relief from it.

Unfortunately, the Culturelle, plus Immodium, still haven't cured the diarrhea. That, in turn, causes lethargy. Trying to keep Mom hydrated and get her appetite back and her energy level up are real concerns. I still would like Mom to see a gastroenterologist, but we shall see if I can persuade her to do that.

All day yesterday I was thinking it was the 12th of August. I fussed at Alesia last night for erasing call records on the phone because I found nothing dated August 12. She looked at me in confusion and said "But it's August 11?" I continued to berate her for a minute before I realized she was right. I then just said lamely "Well, I don't want you erasing the call records, no matter what the date." Not a shining moment for me as a parent...

Sometimes, when I'm depressed, I wonder if in the future Alesia will look back and think of me fondly as her mother, or just think of me as someone she lived with for a few years until she could get out on her own. I find myself being too harsh with her and I want to kick myself, but I can't seem to stop it. Maybe she secretly can't stand me. I get paranoid, a bit. She has a lot of unexplained moodiness, and I worry about that.

I wonder if it's even possible for her to ever feel like we're really her family. She still refers to her biological mother as "My mother" when she talks about her on occasion. She has never told us anything positive about her mother, however. She's also said she thinks of the word "mother" as being very negative term, but she likes the word "Mom" - which is what she calls me. So maybe there's room for hope.

I am trying to get all my cases updated at work. We just got a new database for legal matters and I am trying to get everything added that needs to go in there, plus line up all my outstanding assignments, plus update all my case summary charts so I can meet with my attorneys next week. It's a daunting set of tasks. I feel compelled to review everything, since I've been so distracted lately I don't feel in control of my cases and I am afraid something important will fall through the cracks and I'll get in trouble. So far, nothing has, but I'm insecure.

There aren't enough hours in the day to do it all, between work and home. Most nights it's 11 p.m. before I've had a chance to begin to relax, then I have to go to bed. Then I wake up after about 6 hours and can't fall back asleep. Days are hurtling by at a frightening rate. Maybe tomorrow I will be 50...