Friday, August 12, 2005
Paul says my computer has arrived and he should be able to set it up either tonight or tomorrow morning, thanks be to God. I am soooo tired of not having it available to me when I want or need to write. It's been only a little over a week but it feels like a year.
I have been very worried about Mom's being sick for several days, the latest bout of nausea, diarrhea, no appetite.
On the plus side, I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a buddy of mine here at work whose mother suffered from a condition called C-Diff after being in a nursing home. She had nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy. It was caused by heavy antibiotic treatment and all the good bacteria and microorganisms in the colon being destroyed. C-diff is common. My friend recommended a product called Culturelle.
After calling and talking to the doctor, I got a box of the Culturelle at CVS and took it to Mom yesterday on my lunch hour. It has actually helped. Made the nausea go away almost immediately. Mom slept pretty good last night too, she said. I read on the product's website that a lot of IBS patients have gotten relief from it.
Unfortunately, the Culturelle, plus Immodium, still haven't cured the diarrhea. That, in turn, causes lethargy. Trying to keep Mom hydrated and get her appetite back and her energy level up are real concerns. I still would like Mom to see a gastroenterologist, but we shall see if I can persuade her to do that.
All day yesterday I was thinking it was the 12th of August. I fussed at Alesia last night for erasing call records on the phone because I found nothing dated August 12. She looked at me in confusion and said "But it's August 11?" I continued to berate her for a minute before I realized she was right. I then just said lamely "Well, I don't want you erasing the call records, no matter what the date." Not a shining moment for me as a parent...
Sometimes, when I'm depressed, I wonder if in the future Alesia will look back and think of me fondly as her mother, or just think of me as someone she lived with for a few years until she could get out on her own. I find myself being too harsh with her and I want to kick myself, but I can't seem to stop it. Maybe she secretly can't stand me. I get paranoid, a bit. She has a lot of unexplained moodiness, and I worry about that.
I wonder if it's even possible for her to ever feel like we're really her family. She still refers to her biological mother as "My mother" when she talks about her on occasion. She has never told us anything positive about her mother, however. She's also said she thinks of the word "mother" as being very negative term, but she likes the word "Mom" - which is what she calls me. So maybe there's room for hope.
I am trying to get all my cases updated at work. We just got a new database for legal matters and I am trying to get everything added that needs to go in there, plus line up all my outstanding assignments, plus update all my case summary charts so I can meet with my attorneys next week. It's a daunting set of tasks. I feel compelled to review everything, since I've been so distracted lately I don't feel in control of my cases and I am afraid something important will fall through the cracks and I'll get in trouble. So far, nothing has, but I'm insecure.
There aren't enough hours in the day to do it all, between work and home. Most nights it's 11 p.m. before I've had a chance to begin to relax, then I have to go to bed. Then I wake up after about 6 hours and can't fall back asleep. Days are hurtling by at a frightening rate. Maybe tomorrow I will be 50...
