The Crab Chronicles

Monday

Monday, September 12, 2005

A busy day at work. Am redesigning the departmental bulletin board – well, part of it. I worked on photos, graphics, etc.

I am to meet with Alesia’s teachers tomorrow morning and find out what’s going on. I e-mailed them last week I wanted a conference. Alesia was praised for making a 70 on a test, and told me about it. I was horrified.

I looked in Alesia’s agenda book tonight and she had been reprimanded 3 times for not taking her dictionary to class, and on one occasion had forged my name where the teacher had wanted me to sign. I gave her quite a lecture about that. She also tried to tell me they’ve abolished the dress code, but I told her even if they have she will have to follow it all year, regardless. I told her people who forge other people’s signatures go to prison. She knows that word. I was so angry. Mother was kicking me under the table, but Alesia has to be shocked before she will obey. I’ve learned this the hard way.

I gave her about the 5^th lecture about doing well in school so she can go to college. I told her Granny had to work her way through college, and I had to work, and she was a very lucky girl. In Ga. Any kid with a B average can go to a state school for free. I also warned Alesia she has to pass a test to get out of 8^th grade and go to high school and she needs to learn NOW.

We watched the first part of The Last Emperor – the Bertolucci film that won all the Oscars about 15 years ago. Alesia loved it. Snapped her out of her bad mood from the scolding she got from me. It’s visually stunning, and she loves great imagery. It was also a good way to talk to her about the differences between communism and capitalism. She is woefully ignorant about political science.

Busy Weekend

September 11, 2001

We've had an incredibly busy weekend, but very nice.

Alesia went to her first sleepover Friday night! She was so excited. Elena Barr, her little friend who's also adopted, invited her to spend the night. Elena also had to babysit her younger brothers and sisters Friday night and Alesia helped here there. She and Elena still stayed up talking and painting each other's fingernails.

Mother and I went out to dinner Friday night, Red Lobster, after Alesia had left. I wanted to go to a "grownup" movie but couldn't find anyone on such short notice. I didn't know Alesia was going until later Friday afternoon. Elena likes to do things spur of the moment. She's a nice kid, though.

Alesia helped me with some household chores Saturday, including her favorite thing, the carwash. She loves sitting in the car in the carwash.

Saturday afternoon we went over to cousin Tim Embry's house and Granny got her hair cut by Tim, and Elena and I hung out and talked to his wife Mazi, who's an artist. Very pleasant visit.

Saturday night we went out to dinner with Malinda Phillips, a cousin on the Hasty side of the family. I also got in a good visit with Michael and Cissy Hollingworth. Michael is the pilot who got me the buddy passes for my last adoption trip, which was wonderful - sitting in business class definitely beats coach. His wife Cissy is a fellow paralegal and emigrated here a few years ago from China. Cissy has a 14 year old daughter, Jessica, a cute girl, who is a year ahead of Alesia in school.
We ate at Provino's - a nice family style Italian restaurant in Duluth, just up the road.

Today, Alesia had her first Sunday School class at All Saints. She did great - lots of kids in the class, and they gave her candy, so now she wants to go back. Hey - I like bribery myself... She also had her first church Youth Group meeting tonight, where again they got fed - dinner, this time, and had a program. Both times Alesia was asked where she was from and she said "Russia."  One boy this morning asked her "Do you speak Russian?" and she reported to me and Granny she scornfully answered "No!"  which we thought was funny. I said, "Next time, just start chattering away in Russian - that will freak them out." LOL

We had Varsity for dinner tonight. I was too tired to cook. Plus, it's right next door to the church. The smell tempts everyone to sin...

I told Alesia that Granny and Grandpa Tony used to go to the Varsity when they were dating, because Uncle Tony was too poor to go to a nice place. She quite enjoyed her hamburger, fries, and onion rings. Of course, she loves almost all hamburgers.

So we've had a very busy weekend - I left out the exciting details of the trips to kroger and Office Depot. Tomorrow, busy busy again...

To The Doctor / Punishment

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

I took Mother to the doctor this afternoon. It was an easy visit. I was able to get Dr. Bray to convince her to take a stool sample kit home so we can get a sample analyzed.  We can freeze the sample until we take it in, which is interesting. Dr. Bray also told Mother she needs a colonoscopy. Mother said she is hurting too much to get on the table for that. I am going to make an appointment with a gastroenterologist anyway and get the ball rolling.

I explained that I am very concerned because Mom doesn’t have normal bowel movements, ever, and lives on Immodium. I am concerned there may be another issues – since my father died of cancer that went undiagnosed for years, I am a bit paranoid about tumors. Mom also has a weird sensory disorder where certain smells make her really nauseated, and she has very little appetite. I am worried.

I took Alesia to a dance class last night and she loved it. I signed her up for 4 weeks of classes. The price is right and there are only 2 students. It’s a jazz class, so I don’t have to run out and buy tights. I think that’s all the extracurricular activities I am going to push this year.

Alesia was in a foul humor this morning and very uncooperative about taking out the recycling to the curb, and she had been very grumpy with Mother. I fussed at her on the way to school in the car – which is only a 1 minute trip. Then tonight she told me she had learned all her words for her Georgia Studies class, and when she asked me for help on her homework and I quizzed her, I discovered she had NOT learned all her words. So she didn’t get to watch any TV or movies tonight.

I am going to contact her teachers and try to set up a meeting. They are not expecting the same from her as the other kids - she told me one teacher praised her for getting a 70% on a test! I was quite perturbed. I told her to start bringing home every test so I can see it. Alesia is so smart, she can keep up fine, but she will just have to work harder to get the meanings of everything. If they keep letting her slack off, she will be lost in high school next year.

When I put Alesia to bed, she was laughing semi-hysterically at Coco and being her usual rambunctious self, and Mother called me from her bedroom, which scared me. I sent Alesia down to check on her and she told Alesia she thought she had heard screaming and was concerned. I chastised Alesia and put her back to bed. I went to hug her and she let out a shriek, very shrill. Made me very irritated – I told her no music tonight, because she had just been warned not to make so much noise.

The landscaper sent in the men to clean up the yard, and it looks radically different. They trimmed the trees and shrubs so much, they look quite bare. The house looks much better, overall, but I wish they hadn’t cut quite so much. It will grow back, at least. Next week they are sending in a different team to regrade the backyard entirely, put in new drains, and replant the entire yard. Should solve the flooding problem. It will cost a ton of money, but I think it will be worth it. I just want a nice lawn that doesn’t host 5 million mosquitos and flood horribly, and shelter snakes and lord knows what else…

God

Sunday, Sept. 4, 2005

I sent the following to a friend of mine that I hadn't been in touch with in a while:

It's been such a terrible summer, with trying to take care of my mother and Alesia and the house and the dog - I've been mentally and physically just exhausted all the time. Mother still hasn't completely recuperated and still needs help bathing and dressing. She can't lift her arms above her shoulder. She also still needs some form of pain medication all the time, though nothing too strong.

I just stopped going to church after the fall in June because I was spending weekends at the hospital or nursing home, and even after Mother came home there was just too much to do on the weekends.

Today I finally went back to church. It seemed particularly important to pray for the hurricane victims, some of whom I know.

Alesia is finally speaking enough English so we can have conversations about God. We went back to All Saints today, just the two of us as Mother was feeling poorly. (I decided to switch back to All Saints because St. Bede's just never felt right, even though it's close.)

Alesia liked the church and wanted to participate in the service. [Yay! Last time we went, to St. Bede's, she acted bored and restless.] She said the prayers and sang the hymns - though alas her voice is absolutely tuneless and I think she's tone deaf...

They baptized 5 babies today. Alesia was delighted to see the babies. This opened the way for me to explain about baptism and confirmation when we were in the car coming home today. I know she believes in God, and we pray before every meal and before bed. But today we were able to talk about faith, and what it means. I explained about the adoption being so difficult, and the choir and so many friends and family praying for her, for us. She looked quite started when I told her about all the prayers that got her here.

I am leaving it up to Alesia as to when she gets baptized and confirmed, but I think going to the excellent youth group at All Saints will help. She also has a little friend who was adopted and that little girl has been baptized and confirmed in their church, so that helps. Peer pressure can be a good thing, LOL.

Hope you are doing well.

XOXO
Dee

Obedience

Saturday, September 3, 2005

I have had some trouble over the last couple of weeks getting Alesia to understand the importance of doing her homework and learning all the new English words she’s being exposed to every day. I’ve tried to tell her in English but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I wrote her a letter the other day and had Kate translate it. I hope it will be effective.

Can’t remember if I mentioned this here or not…? A couple of weeks ago, the first week that school started, Alesia's behavior had gotten bad – she was giving us a really bad attitude, talking back, ignoring us when we spoke to her, etc. I had been telling her and telling her I would punish her if she kept doing that, and she didn’t believe me.

One day just before school, we were in the car. She had disobeyed my mother’s directive to wash her hands. I told her she must wash her hands after playing with Coco. She argued about it. I just took all her saved allowance money out of her purse. She cried. That seemed to make an impact.

A few days later I gave her a letter about obeying or being punished – translated into Russian by Kate. That improved things a lot.

Here is the letter I had Kate translate for her about education:

Dear Alesia,

It’s very important that you start to think about the future you want. You must understand that the choices you make now will affect the rest of your life. This is part of growing up.

I need to make sure you understand the importance of a good education. Your schoolwork is going to be a real challenge for you this year. You must learn HOW to study effectively. You must start right now, today, so you don’t fall behind.

It’s very important that you make good grades. Your teachers now expect that you know English well enough so that you can keep up with the classwork in each of your classes. You will be graded on what you know, not just how hard you try.

I realized the other day that you were able to complete your homework in Georgia Studies without really understanding the lessons about the Indians in Georgia. When you will have to take a test on that material you will fail the test if you don’t understand all the English words.

Every day, even if you don’t have homework, you need to bring your books home and review any English words you don’t know, write them down, and look them up in your Russian/English dictionary. You must memorize those words every day. Any words you don’t understand you can discuss with me when I get home.

You are part of a family now where everyone goes to college. We expect you to go to college. Grandpa Tony, Granny, Me, Uncle Bruce – we all graduated from college. That’s why we live in a nice house, and have nice things. In this country, if you don’t go to college, it will be very difficult for you to be able to get a good job and make good money. People who don’t go to college are usually poor.

Every day, you must think about the future you want.

- You must study carefully in school, and make sure you know all the English words, so that you will do well on tests.

- If you don’t do well on tests, you won’t make good grades. If you make bad grades, you won’t be able to get into college.

- You cannot live with me the rest of your life and expect me to support you. Once you are grown up you will have to support yourself. You will have to be able to get a good job to do that. I won’t kick you out when you are 18 years old, but I will expect you to take responsibility for either going to college or going to work. You won’t be able to stay home and not work. You may be able to live at home while you’re in college, but by the time you’re in your early 20’s you will want to have your own place. (As long as you live in my house you will have to follow my rules.)

- You cannot assume that a man will marry you and support you. That almost never happens any more – not unless you are willing to be poor all your life.

- You cannot assume the government will support you. Some girls you know may decide to go on welfare when they grow up – that’s where the government gives you money every month, but only if you have a child. Having a child is a huge responsibility and you should never have a child and go on welfare. You will be poor and miserable for the rest of your life if you do that.

- You must be independent. Never rely on anyone else to support you. It’s possible that you could marry a nice man who will let you stay at home and he will pay the bills. Then you might get divorced. If you have no job skills, you will be divorced, poor, and miserable. You may not be able to feed your children.

To summarize:

You MUST be able to support yourself reasonably well after you are an adult. To do that, you must be educated. You must go to college. You must make good grades now so you can get into college. You must study every day so you will make good grades.

As I told you last week, going to college in America is very expensive. You must make good grades [A’s] if you want a scholarship. I will probably not have the money to send you to college, so you need to get a scholarship or perhaps you will need to get loans. If you get loans, you will have to pay them back later – you can only do that if you have a good job.

I love you very much and I want you to have a happy future and a happy life. You will have to work hard to achieve that, however.

Love,

Mom

I gave Alesia the letter this afternoon while Mother was napping. She read it over and looked sullen. “You tell me this before ten times,” she whined, about halfway through. “Keep reading,” I said sternly. We didn’t discuss it but I asked her if she understood and she said yes. Time will tell if it sinks in.

We went to the swimming pool late this afternoon, and I let Alesia swim for a while. I met Elena’s father, and we had a nice chat. He was telling me about adopting his three from the Ukraine. Elena wasn’t at the pool, unfortunately.

I saw Alesia playing with Elena’s younger sister, Anya. She was splashing Anya. I walked over to the side and told her to stop doing that, stop splashing. I went back and resumed talking to Ken. I looked over at Alesia a few minutes later and she was splashing Anya again. I made her get out of the pool and we left.

In the car, I asked her why she had disobeyed me. She said angrily “I was just playing!”

I’ve told her repeatedly in the past that she is not to splash anyone in the pool.

I said “I TOLD you not to splash and you did it anyway!” I was so angry. I told her no TV and no movie tonight. That is her punishment.

I am disappointed. Her behavior all day was good – we went to the mall, the carwash, out to lunch. She was good. She has been much better since I gave her the letter. But I feel like she has to comprehend the reason why I punished her. I told her she MUST obey me. I guess I will have to keep teaching her that.

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

Today when Mother and I were in the bookstore at the mall, I told Alesia it was OK to go across the way and look in the Disney store for a CD she had wanted. Mother and I went in the bookstore and were looking around at different things. We paid for our books and walked out. As soon as we got away from the cash register and off to ourselves a bit, Alesia blurted out "I didn't know where you was Mom! I look in bookstore and can't find you and I was scared!"  Well, I could see she was geniunely distressed. I said "We were right there, Sweetie. We wouldn't leave you!"  Mother echoed my sentiments. Alesia looked only slightly comforted. She won't let me hug her in public, but I patted her.

I guess no matter how much I do to try and make her feel secure, inside she will always be that little girl who lost her mother in Russia. I will never really understand the horror of that.

Labor Day Weekend Starts

September 2, 2005

So far, the Labor Day weekend has been very nice.

I left work early and picked up Alesia from school. She got out early for the holiday, which caused me some hassle, but then I found out the office was closing early anyway, so I just took the afternoon off. There was nobody there anyway.

Mom hadn’t been out of the house all week, so after I got Alesia home we got in Granny’s car and headed off to the Atlanta History Center, a wonderful museum in midtown. Alesia really enjoyed it, and I think Mother did, too. She recognized everything in the World War II exhibit. It was fun to watch Alesia discover everything, and there are things kids can touch, huge photos, and hand-cranked slideshow things the kids can do themselves. Alesia was intrigued with it all. I hope to foster in her a love of history, like my father did with us.

We left there and went by Eatzi’s, a fun gourmet food takeout place. For dinner, Mother had rare roast beef, shrimp salad, green salad, and a potato latke. I had crab cakes and a latke. Alesia had a lot of shrimp salad, a latke, some green salad. For dessert we all split a large tiramisu – I don’t know why people get so excited about that, it’s like cheesecake and bread pudding with some sherry thrown in, in my opinion not all that great.

When we got back, Mother took a nap, Alesia rode her bike, and I paid bills. Alesia helps me with bills by stuffing envelopes and putting on the stamps and return address stickers.

We watch a movie most nights, once Alesia has finished homework.

Our movie tonight was “Only You,” a cute romantic comedy set in Italy. Alesia refuses to look at the screen when characters kiss – or “swap spit” as my dad liked to say. Just to show her what immature really looks like, I acted like my own adolescent self and every time the characters kissed I slumped down on the sofa, scowling, and covered my eyes, saying loudly every few seconds “Is it over YET?!” Alesia thought that was very funny. Granny told her it was how I acted at her age.

I had a reputation when I visited the orphanage of being very funny. I liked to play Simple Simon with the kids, or other games where I could make funny faces or voices. It was all in fun and the girls were so cute. One day, I goofed – I had all the kids doing the Hokey Pokey. They all got in a circle and stuck their right foot in, shook it all about, etc. They were all looking at me like “This is bizarre, this American song about shaking body parts! What’s wrong with this woman?!”

Lesson Learned: The Hokey Pokey does not translate to other countries…