Thursday, April 20, 2006
I have been very busy all day and it's been a tough day, on so many levels. To explain, I sent out the following e-mail to my friends on the Yahoo single moms board:
I made a momentous decision on Monday. I decided to go back to Russia [or Kazakhstan] for child #2. I had researched domestic adoption pretty carefully, but it just didn't seem right for me. Easier, but not right. Alesia wanted a Russian-speaking sibling too, and I think she will bond better that way.
I still have to sell my condo and pay off some debt. I have let Mom carry the house note now for almost a year, and it's a bad market for condos, so I dropped the price by $5K the other day. I am praying it will sell soon so I can get my homestudy underway and look good on paper.
I was reading some other message boards today at work, on a break, and came across a post by a parent who has a child with RAD [reactive attachment disorder.] I was uncomfortable. I have always thought Alesia didn't have this. Now I think I've been delusional all these months. [It's a fairly common diagnosis in older adopted kids.]
Last night Alesia was so oppositional and argumentative and I was so tired and irritated I made her go to bed at 9, just to get out of my face. She only does this about 20-40% of the time, not all the time. So if she really has RAD I wouldn't say it's a really bad case, but it has upset me all afternoon. I told Mother about it and she agreed, according to the article it describes Alesia's bad behavior to a T.
Here is the link.
http://www.olderchildadoption.com/rad/RADdescripNG.htm
I will locate a therapist and get her started. Mom said I should feel good, but I don't. I feel scared and helpless. I don't know why I thought we would escape this RAD fate - arrogance I guess.
I am thinking a lot about the sin of pride, and how God always sets me straight when I get too big for my britches. Well, my beautiful sweet girl hasn't totally overcome her first 6 years of neglect. She may never totally overcome it. All my love and care may never be enough. It just breaks my heart.
I still want to get my boy, though. I want her to have a sibling, because I won't be around forever. I am going to try and focus on that, and not cry too much about the RAD, but it's hard.
I am meeting tomorrow with a lady who has a Ph.D. in education and is learning disabled. She tutors kids in a program for learning disabled kids that's sort of like a very small private school at a local
Anglican church. I don't think Alesia is learning disabled but she has some issues, and needs time to catch up. I think maybe it would be a good fit for Alesia, since she is still reading about 4th grade level and won't be ready for high school in the fall. I don't know whether to tell the director about the RAD or not, since it's not been diagnosed officially, just is my hunch.
Input anyone?
