Friday, June 16, 2008 [Note: see new photos]
It has been a rough week. I have had a hard time sleeping. So many things are roiling around in my head. I am going to try and record some of my feelings here.
Bronwyn came on Monday and started tutoring Alesia. It wasn’t as productive as maybe it should have been, because we couldn’t get the software loaded in. Finally, Paul came over Thursday night and worked on it.
Today she couldn’t come, but next week Bronwyn can do the assessment and see where Alesia needs help. Bronwyn is writing notes to me, and e-mails. Alesia is doing really well, but Bronwyn is having to be strict with her about staying on task and not trying to take over the computer. That doesn’t surprise me. However, Bronwyn says she learns quickly and is clearly really smart.
Bronwyn is teaching Alesia computer skills as well as academics, which is terrific. Bronwyn’s son just started high school, so she knows what Alesia needs to be ready to face next year. She needs to know how to do Powerpoint presentations! Yikes. I can’t do those. I thought I was high tech when I did a slide show in 6th grade.
Work is unpleasant right now. I have been working feverishly all week, putting out fires all day, in a semi state of panic. I let things slide a bit in May, because I was so distracted with all the adoption tasks. So now I am paying the price. I just hope no cases get too far out of control. One case we have in Virginia, the outside counsel is a total airhead, who sounds like she’s 12 years old. The plaintiff’s attorney is running circles around her. My boss is not pleased. The only alternative we have to Miss Legally Blonde is a partner in the firm who charges $350 an hour, and doesn’t know the case! I am just praying the case settles.
I am debating about what to do about my writing. I never seem to have time to even blog much, much less work on any other projects. I need to write, but when. Every day I try to formulate plans to get up at 5 a.m. and write, and work out, and get to work early so I can come home early, and I never do any of it. I’m lucky if I can schlep in by 8, and I’m always sleepy in the afternoons.
All my adult life I’ve thought if I just had the discipline, I could be a good writer. Now I don’t know. I have 3 screenplays and 3 books completed, none of them any good. I gave copies of Adopting Alesia to several close friends to read, and only one of my friends was positive. I think it’s as good or better than a book I recently read that was written by another adoptive single mom, but that’s not saying much.
I cannot bear the thought of giving up my writing. I also cannot bear the thought of continuing something that seems so futile. When I am writing, I should be spending time on Alesia, or on home improvement projects.
There’s a popular evangelist here in Atlanta that I think is kind of nutty, but something he said keeps running through my brain: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Or maybe it was Dr. Phil who said that. I don’t know. It’s the truth, though – that’s what’s so scary.
I have only recently begun to feel tiny glimmers of myself coming back into focus. Since I got Alesia home, I recently realized, I’ve been in a sort of fog. I’ve been operating on autopilot, trying to keep juggling so many balls in the air – motherhood, job, house, caretaker for Mother, caretaker for Coco. I’ve started wearing so many hats my head hurts all the time.
When Alesia was out of town last week I started feeling more normal again. I missed her, but I was relieved to have some time to myself. I lightened my hair – just a teeny bit. I started looking more critically at my clothes. I started moisturizing my feet – I have dry skin, the Thompson curse. I could feel myself coming back, like when your foot falls asleep and you wake it up and feel all those tingles. I am forever altered, forever different, though. I am trying to figure out who I am now, and that scares me.
What do I want out of life, aside from my son and a decent life for us all? I don’t know. I am taking this Lexapro, which makes me much more calm, but also I feel like my brain is sluggish a lot of the time. I feel like a person who is sleepwalking sometimes. I don’t like that. I don’t want to feel that way. Yet I’m afraid to go back to feeling too much, to yelling at Alesia too much, and being snippy with Mother. I don’t want to be that way. I also don’t want to be a zombie. I don’t know what to do. Maybe if I stop taking the LexaPro when my prescription runs out next month I will feel better, more energetic. I hope so. I am praying about it.
