Tuesday, August 8, 2006
When we were eating dinner last night, the conversation somehow drifted to memories, and how Alesia's memory is not always accurate. I pointed out that she had told a friend that her birthmother had sent her a silver cross, but that wasn't true, I was the one who sent it. [I was able to write to Alesia, through friends in Khabarovsk, for about 1 1/2 years before I adopted her] Alesia said well, her birthmother had sent her a letter and a doll. I gently reminded her that the social worker told me that Alesia was very unusual because no family had ever visited, written, called, nothing, and certainly never sent her anything. We have talked about this before, and about how Alesia's birthmother was very young and an alcoholic, and just couldn't care for her.
Alesia didn't get angry, but insisted she had a Christmas card from her mother, and spent some time in her room looking for it. Of course, she didn't find it.
I had planned to wait until she was older, but I decided last night to go ahead and show Alesia the summary of the relinquishment hearing that I got when I adopted her. It said her mother drank, there was no food in the house, there were strange men in and out at all hours, and she left Alesia alone at times - all this when Alesia was less than 6 years old.
Alesia read it in Russian, then told me that she knew all that, because we had spoken about it. I actually had never gone into that much detail with her, just emphasized that alcoholism is a disease and her mother couldn't take care of her. She didn't cry. She seemed relieved, oddly enough. I think it was good to see what happened, that I was telling her the truth, that there was a court procedure. She had harbored this fantasy that she just was "lost" in the hospital and orphanage system and her birthmother couldn't find her. The relinquishment papers said her mother wanted to keep her but the court concluded otherwise.
When I first read those papers [in 2004] I thought "Well, if the woman had just been willing to go find a job and get herself cleaned up, she could have kept Alesia. How sad for Alesia to think her mother didn't want her enough to do that."
Alesia obviously didn't read it that same way. Of course, she was surrounded in the orphanage by kids whose mothers were known to them, who nevertheless let them stay in the orphanage, mothers who were known to be alcoholics and often prostitutes, and I'm sure they discussed that, so this is a reality she's dealt with for a long time.
I told Alesia when she grows up she can go back to Russia and find her birthmother if she wants. I emphasized that it will be 20 hours on airplanes and 1 or 2 hours by boat to the remote settlement where she is from.
Later last night, Alesia was watching a movie about a horse [cartoon, can't think of the name of it] and the stallion was taken away from a filly he loved and he was very sad. Alesia shed a few tears, very quietly. She told me that movies about people don't make her cry, but movies about animals make her cry.
When I tucked her into bed, after prayers, I asked her if it made her sad to recall her birthmother. She said it does, a little. Her memory of the woman is very fuzzy - she says she cannot remember her face. I said "Well, she obviously did some things right, because you are a very smart, good girl."
I benefit from the fact that Alesia is a little more mature [age 15 now], but I suspect there is a lot going on inside her that she keeps from me, and whether that is good or bad remains to be seen.
Alesia's nature is a lot like mine [moody, emotional, nurturing] and I know in my heart that she will someday want to know the truth about her birthparents, and I expect her to search. I would have to know. I take comfort in the fact, though, that we can talk openly about the birthparents and I can be truthful with her. I want her to know it's safe to process those feelings with me, that I bear no ill-will towards the birthmother. I think that acknowledgement is important to all adopted kids.
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