The Crab Chronicles

Two Mothers

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

When we were eating dinner last night, the conversation somehow drifted to memories, and how Alesia's memory is not always accurate. I pointed out that she had told a friend that her birthmother had sent her a silver cross, but that wasn't true, I was the one who sent it. [I was able to write to Alesia, through friends in Khabarovsk, for about 1 1/2 years before I adopted her] Alesia said well, her birthmother had sent her a letter and a doll. I gently reminded her that the social worker told me that Alesia was very unusual because no family had ever visited, written, called, nothing, and certainly never sent her anything. We have talked about this before, and about how Alesia's birthmother was very young and an alcoholic, and just couldn't care for her.

Alesia didn't get angry, but insisted she had a Christmas card from her mother, and spent some time in her room looking for it. Of course, she didn't find it.

I had planned to wait until she was older, but I decided last night to go ahead and show Alesia the summary of the relinquishment hearing that I got when I adopted her. It said her mother drank, there was no food in the house, there were strange men in and out at all hours, and she left Alesia alone at times - all this when Alesia was less than 6 years old.

Alesia read it in Russian, then told me that she knew all that, because we had spoken about it. I actually had never gone into that much detail with her, just emphasized that alcoholism is a disease and her mother couldn't take care of her. She didn't cry. She seemed relieved, oddly enough. I think it was good to see what happened, that I was telling her the truth, that there was a court procedure. She had harbored this fantasy that she just was "lost" in the hospital and orphanage system and her birthmother couldn't find her. The relinquishment papers said her mother wanted to keep her but the court concluded otherwise.

When I first read those papers [in 2004] I thought "Well, if the woman had just been willing to go find a job and get herself cleaned up, she could have kept Alesia. How sad for Alesia to think her mother didn't want her enough to do that."

Alesia obviously didn't read it that same way. Of course, she was surrounded in the orphanage by kids whose mothers were known to them, who nevertheless let them stay in the orphanage, mothers who were known to be alcoholics and often prostitutes, and I'm sure they discussed that, so this is a reality she's dealt with for a long time.

I told Alesia when she grows up she can go back to Russia and find her birthmother if she wants. I emphasized that it will be 20 hours on airplanes and 1 or 2 hours by boat to the remote settlement where she is from.

Later last night, Alesia was watching a movie about a horse [cartoon, can't think of the name of it] and the stallion was taken away from a filly he loved and he was very sad. Alesia shed a few tears, very quietly. She told me that movies about people don't make her cry, but movies about animals make her cry.

When I tucked her into bed, after prayers, I asked her if it made her sad to recall her birthmother. She said it does, a little. Her memory of the woman is very fuzzy - she says she cannot remember her face. I said "Well, she obviously did some things right, because you are a very smart, good girl."

I benefit from the fact that Alesia is a little more mature [age 15 now], but I suspect there is a lot going on inside her that she keeps from me, and whether that is good or bad remains to be seen.

Alesia's nature is a lot like mine [moody, emotional, nurturing] and I know in my heart that she will someday want to know the truth about her birthparents, and I expect her to search. I would have to know. I take comfort in the fact, though, that we can talk openly about the birthparents and I can be truthful with her. I want her to know it's safe to process those feelings with me, that I bear no ill-will towards the birthmother. I think that acknowledgement is important to all adopted kids.

Protein and Time Outs

Monday, August 7, 2006

Mother and I are taking a hard line now when Alesia is defiant or rude. I made her do pushups Saturday morning. Mother is putting her in Time Out - 30 minutes of sitting on the sofa, doing nothing. She sassed Mom this morning and got a Time Out. Later, Mom asked her why she had behaved like a pill and Alesia's response was "I guess I'm just not getting enough protein." LOL

We have said to her a number of times that "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer, and we've talked to her a lot about eating food with protein. We've noticed that when she doesn't get enough protein her mood worsens considerably. She's not good at saying if/when she's hungry - she was deprived of food so much in her younger years she really can't always tell when she's hungry.

Some months ago, I gave her a package of kitchen matches and told her she could light them in the bathroom if it got stinky in there. It never occurred to me she would play with the matches - she was 14 years old, and a girl, after all. Last night I asked her about a brown stain on the white bead board in her bathroom, under the toilet paper holder. At first she said "I don't know" when asked how it got there. I finally talked her into telling me the truth, which was that she was playing with matches and wanted to see what would happen if she held the flame next to the bead board wall.

I give myself credit for remaining calm. She got a lecture instead of a worse punishment because she told me the truth - quite a breakthrough. She always denies things even when the evidence is obvious - a common trait among older adopted kids from Russia. They never admit lying or wrongdoing.

She got a doozy of a lecture, though, over a wide range of topics. The whole time, she was curled up in a ball on the bed, trying to hide beneath the covers and her pillows, clearly ashamed. She got a lecture about smoke inhalation and burning down the house. We also discussed her continued punishment [no TV, no allowance] for the unauthorized internet use a few weeks ago - I needed to remind her of that because she tends to block out unhappy things instead of owning up to them. I reminded her that she didn't make good choices about her clothes for church and said she won't be given freedom to choose until she demonstrates she can make good choices. Her response: "I didn't wear shorts!" Not the point, I said. We talked about her being rude and having to do pushups. She said bitterly that in Russia girls never have to do pushups. I reminded her this is America, not Russia.

I sometimes think it's one long acculturation process. In Russia, the caretakers didn't care if the kids played played with matches - they let them smoke, outside. She was never punished for being rude or sassy, I don't think. She has told us conflicting stories about that - she's told me and Mom [separately] that the caretakers slapped her, and then rescinded that. Nobody cared what she wore, or if it was clean. She never went anywhere except school, and occasionally into town to swim in the public ponds. She never went to church. So I try to always emphasize this America, not Russia. Life was simpler there, yes, but you're here now and you have to adapt.

It was sad that the day ended badly. We had a happy evening yesterday. Alesia got to see Pride and Prejudice [the 2005 movie] at the Fox Theatre. I pointed out that I had been there many times as a child, and Granny had been there many times throughout her life. Alesia had never been to the Fox. She was excited to be walking around in midtown, seeing "skyscrappers" and limousines. She asked me if a person could get lost in the Fox - absolutely, I told her. Stick close to me. She asked for the candy by requesting "MilkBuds."

My aunt and uncle are coming tomorrow for lunch. I will be interested to see if she remembers their names [Don and Jane]. She has seen them several times before. We asked her the other day and she said she couldn't remember their names or how they are related to us. Sometimes I think she's just being lazy, because she doesn't want to remember.

I started reading a book written by a lady whose son was misdiagnosed for years and finally diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder. It's a very interesting book and the woman writes well. I can't remember her name but the book is "Like Sound Through Water." I envy her writing ability.

Book Idea

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

I don’t have the headache today – thanks be to God – but I feel draggy. No energy. I got another big salad for lunch and added garbonzo beans. Why do people eat those? They have no flavor.

Yesterday, I discovered that Yoplait’s lowfat lime yogurt is very yummy. Tastes like key lime pie. Today I tried the lowfat French Vanilla flavor. Another yummy one! Yay!

I have been wanting to get back to my writing. My blog is a good outlet for my feelings, but I want to write something of significance. I have decided I want to try a children’s book for older adopted kids from Russian-speaking countries. I was thinking about putting information in a book for Matthew anyway, so why not self-publish and see if I can help families and make a little extra money?

I posted this on my adoption boards to see if I get a response:

I am a part-time writer, but I have not had much time to write lately. I want to write a children's book [or books] that might be helpful to older children coming into a family. I am adopting a 10 year old boy from Kazakhstan later this year, and there are so many things he will need to learn about being part of a family.

I have spent so much time teaching my daughter [adopted at 13] what it's like to be in a family. We had to teach her things like putting your napkin in your lap when you eat, to not punching all the buttons on the security keypad, to how it's OK to say you're angry - just so many, many things, large and small. I was thinking if I had had a book to show her, with good illustrations and in Russian as well as English, it might have helped her understand better what a famly is like.

I was thinking ideally it should be a colorful book aimed at kids 5-12. Is that too big an age range? I was also thinking it would be effective if it were a story that is personal, something like "Anya and Her New Family" - showing the journey of one child and how she copes.

Anyone else think this is a good idea? I am not looking to make a lot of money, just to help families adjust to adopting older kids. 

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So far I have had a good response from other adoptive moms of older kids. My main worry is finding an illustrator. I know a few artists, but I don't know if they would be interested, or could illustrate well, which is really an art.

When I came home tonight, Alesia and Granny had been stuck together all day. Bronwyn was having to take care of some personal business and couldn't come. Mother said it had been a good day. They went to Michael's for more birdhouses to paint. Alesia trimmed Coco's hair. They did things around the house, and Mother said Alesia was very cheerful.

However, when Alesia was helping make dinner and I was upstairs checking e-mail, all hell broke loose. When I came downstairs, Mother was screaming at Alesia, who sat stone-faced at the table. Alesia had told Mother, with great defiance, "I can EAT WHATEVER I WANT! Mom said so!" Well, all Mother had done was suggest some vegetables for her. Earlier in the day, Mom said Alesia insisted on wearing short shorts to Michael's, saying "Mom said I can wear what I WANT!" Well, that sort of disrespect really irritates Mother, and I don't blame her.

I gave Alesia a lecture and made her apologize to Mother. I explained to her that we have a very nice house, nice food and clothes, etc. due in large part to Granny's generosity. I couldn't afford this on my own. I also tried to get her to understand that if not for Granny, she would be alone all day because I can't afford full-time babysitters, or tutors. Mother was spitting nails she was so mad. She called Alesia a spoiled brat, and I took care to explain that to Alesia.

I finally told Alesia, "I let you choose your own clothes and food because I thought you were mature enough to make good choices. You proved I was wrong when you chose to wear those shorts today. Now, I will give you one more chance. If you choose inappropriately again, I will take away that choice, AND I will go in your room and take away all the clothes which you cannot wear any more, and give them to Goodwill." I thought about rescinding her choice ability altogether, but I decided against it. I also told her if she didn't choose foods wisely I would take away that choice, too. I ended up by telling her if she is EVER that ugly to her grandmother again, I will punish her severely. "I mean by that you will go back and pick up every pinecone in the front yard!" Boy she hated that one.

I made it a point to emphasize to Alesia that she is a good person, but she does bad things sometimes. She is NOT a bad person. I know the orphanage staff told them they were bad people, and I think Alesia has self-esteem issues due to that.

The rest of the evening was pleasant.

I had some plain brown rice for supper, as my stomach was upset. Alesia watched "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" - one of our favorite films.

When I put Alesia to bed, she started saying her prayers in a bored, disrespectful voice, and made some flippant comment about God not even being there because she couldn't see him. I made her stop praying. I pointed out that she couldn't see air, either, but it's there. She got annoyed by that. "Mom, I am sleepy. I just want to sleep!" I started praying "Lord, I am going to pray for Alesia, so she understands, that you are a real presence in her life. Help her to be a good girl, and to make good choices. Help us to be a happy family together. Help her to learn English. Help her to understand your will for her life..." I went on for a few minutes. I told Alesia that if she didn't want to pray, fine, I would pray for her. Loudly. And for a long time.