Friday, September 15, 2006
A few years ago, I befriended a young lawyer down in Texas. Since then, he has gotten married, changed jobs, and now faces some huge, life-altering things.
I’ve been wanting for a while to try and put into words the changes in my outlook on life in recent years, but just didn’t seem to find the energy to try to write it down. This morning when I talked to Todd, who is in his late 20’s and facing a slew of problems, from his parents both being very ill to his wife being pregnant, plus new job, new house, etc. – I just wanted to tell him something that would help. I don’t think I really pulled it off, but I think he appreciated my efforts. I'm reproducing this e-mail because I don't have much else to write about, but this will tell you better than anything my frame of mind these days.
[Sorry about the screwed up font size - I don't know why I can't fix it, but I can't]
Great talking to you. Congrats on the baby!!
I will keep your parents in my prayers. More importantly, I will keep YOU in my prayers.
I’m sorry we couldn’t talk longer. I can hear the stress in your voice.
You are facing several things that are forcing you to mature quickly, my friend. Welcome to genuine adulthood – when there are a lot of people you have to take care of, and your life is no longer carefree. Soon, you will not be spending your time pondering how to allot your spare time to your various hobbies and worrying about self-fulfillment. From now on, plan on spending most of your time wondering why you never have any time to yourself any more.
I’m sorry all this has gotten dumped on you so quickly. I have faced various health crises of my parents since I was 20 years old, but they’ve been spaced out over the years. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many hours I have spent in hospital rooms, waiting rooms, and cafeterias. I also didn’t face the responsibilities of parenthood until I was 42.
Here’s a little of what I’ve learned in the last 24 years. [I hope it doesn’t sound too sappy, but it came from the heart]
Hold on to the people who love you. Let go of everybody else. Cherish the family and friends who stand by you when you’re stressed-out and un-lovable – remember their birthdays, call them at least monthly, see them whenever possible. Even if there are only a couple of people, don’t let them drift out of your life. Friends, and family members who are friends, are what make life bearable.
Quit worrying about your physical appearance. I watch my daughter obsess over a pimple, or the length of her jeans, or whether or not she dresses fashionably. I remember doing that myself. Now I am strangely drawn to other folks like me who have a few wrinkles and gray hairs, and who wear clothes that were last stylish 5 years ago, or never stylish. I never wear high heels any more because I am totally unwilling to be in pain just to have legs that look a tad longer. I don’t care about my clothes at all, other than being reasonably clean and neat. I don’t worry about hair – I used to glory in my long, lustrous auburn curls. A few weeks ago I got my hair chopped very short, just so I have more time in the morning. I’ve gotten a slew of compliments and everyone says I look ten years younger – God has a sense of humor.
When your baby comes, don’t worry about making him an Einstein. Kiss and cuddle him every waking moment. Talk to him like he’s a real person, from day one. The more human touch you give a baby, the more intelligent and emotionally secure he will be. NEVER let him cry himself to sleep – he will feel unloved and abandoned and it will do permanent damage. All he will understand is that his needs are ignored. I know this flies in the face of tradition and will be very hard, but when he cries, love him. You will have a much more emotionally healthy child in the long run. [I’ve seen this up close – I have a good friend who had his first baby at 40, and he and his psychologist wife decided to pick him up whenever he cried. They have an incredibly loving, smart boy now, 4 years old.]
Let yourself be amazed by your child – revel in it. I am amazed all the time, watching my daughter experience the world. Nobody tells you this, but here’s what I learned late in life – children renew you. I was so cynical and jaded when I became a parent. Life was a big yawn. I had seen it all, done it all, and I was tired of it.
The thrill of watching Alesia learn is the greatest thing I will ever experience. She loves to stick her hands out the open sunroof of my car when we’re going down the interstate. She loves to pick a tomato out of the garden, wash it and eat it, right there. She laughs with incredible happiness when she plays a piece correctly on the piano, and I praise her and hug her. Sometimes we will be in the car, just doing errands, and she will smile and say “I am so happy.”
Seeing your child’s joy will heal you. It’s the best feeling in the world.
Pray every day. Start and end the day with prayer. Don’t worry about saying the rosary or being formal, just talk to God. When things seem hopeless and terrible, ask him to take over the problems, and then stop all negative thoughts. God will handle it all – this has happened for me countless times in my life.
Watching my father die was the hardest thing I ever did, but it made me strong. You will be strong for your parents while they are sick, and stronger for the experience when they are gone. Just don’t let your fear become anger – ask God to help you be loving, no matter how tired and upset you are.
I wish I had the ability to go down to Texas and give you a big-sister hug but I can’t. This will have to suffice. You’ll be fine.
XOXOXOX
Dee
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