December 21, 2006
Last night, Alesia got to see a side of me she has never seen before: Terrified and Hysterical Mom. I am not proud of that. Here's the 411:
I got home last night and it looked like rain. The forecast for the next few days is rain. Therefore, I wanted to take down this heavy, decorated garland we had across the lanai, out front. I didn't want it to get soaked with rain, since we'd like to keep it and use it the next few years.
I started to get Alesia to help me, but reconsidered. Alesia was wrapping presents - her new favorite thing to do. My brother is getting a set of grilling tools wrapped up in gold paper and an elaborate gold bow that would make Liberace scream with envy. My brother will be very uncomfortable but so be it. He will have to use his acting skills and act thrilled and happy - skills he usually uses only on dates, I bet - anyway
I go out on the lanai and get the garland down from where it has carefully been stretched between the pillars and duct taped in place. I drape it across the white wicker chairs in what I hope is sort of a casually elegant way. There's a house in our neighborhood with white wicker chairs on the porch, and each one is decorated with a big red bow and it looks very festive, very Home and Garden. Our chairs, however, look like the garland was thrown across them by an angry 3 year old. I ain't Martha Stewart.
I finish this job and start to go in the lanai doors. I look down. The light spilling through the doors illuminates a very large, multi-legged, hairy spider. I freeze, paralyzed with terror. On the other side of the glass-paned doors, Coco regards me, wagging her little tail stump, so cute and innocent. I notice the crack under the door. I notice the spider, only inches from the crack, less than a foot away from Coco. I start screaming for Alesia. She hears me, finally [she has selective hearing] and comes out the front door.
I am hoping she will have the courage I lack, the courage to stomp that hairy spider to smithereens. I move back, never taking my eyes of the beast.
Alesia: "What IS wrong, Mom?"
Me: "Look!! KILL IT!"
I am a little worried she will hesitate. Russians think it's bad luck to kill spiders.
Alesia sees the spider and walks over to it casually. She peers down. She reaches out her hand to PICK UP THE SPIDER! I scream, a high-pitched, hysterical scream, and simultaneously flee into the house through the front door. I hear Alesia laughing behind me and saying "Mom! It's a PLASTIC spider! It's leftover from Halloween!" She comes in right after me.
By this time, Granny has come out into the family room, and seen the spider dangling from Alesia's hand. She starts laughing. I cannot look at the spider. Alesia puts the fake spider on the rug, where Coco can eat it. "THROW THE EVIL THING AWAY!" I shout, still somewhat shaken.
I watch Alesia pick it up and throw it away, laughing. Mother is still chuckling, although her sympathy is with me. I throw myself on the loveseat and squeeze my eyes shut, and wish for Motrin. Coco comes over, walks casually up my chest and very carefully starts licking my face, my eyes, industriously licking the insides of my ears.
Alesia is still laughing as she goes back upstairs to wrap some more...
