January 3, 2007 SEE NEW PHOTOS
This Ellen Burstyn autobiography I’ve been reading talks about taking her son to a healer for weight loss. The healer tells him he was fine just the way he was, he just needs to drink water instead of milk, and he loses weight. He used the weight as a wall to protect himself.
I know I use it as a way to protect myself. I am so uncomfortable when men stare at my body or face, or come on to me. I’ve had guys try to pick me up in elevators, at the gas station, etc. – always freaks me out. Last time I was thin, I still wasn’t comfortable with it. There was a married man who was a friend, and I was very attracted to him, and of course I would never have an affair like that, and I think subconsciously that regaining my weight was a way to punish myself for feeling attracted to him. I did feel very guilty about it. I built the wall of fat around myself to protect myself.
OK, so now I know the WHY, but I’m still unsure on the HOW. Low carb or low fat? Or neither, maybe just eat less? So hard to figure these things out. I seem to have no willpower any more.
Vally said yesterday that JNF is not even being printed. Aaaargh! She got another proof and is approving it, and it will be the end of next week at the earliest before the copies will be here. So now I have to push back my book launching party even further. It looks like mid or late January, now, before I can do the party. I don’t want to do it until the books are available to be ordered.
Maybe that’s good. I still have to set up my corporation and get it going. Maybe I should do that on my lunch hour at work, where there are other paralegals to help me if I get stalled. I want to call it Scribblerchick Inc. I need to find out if that name’s taken in Georgia.
I delivered the copy of my adoption book [Adopting Alesia, a Journey of Faith] to Vally last night, so she can read some of it and tell me how much she will charge me to edit it. I hope it’s not an outrageous sum. I’ve poured so much of myself into that book and worked so hard, for more than three years, it’s like another child to me. If I could find the time to polish it and the money to get it printed, I’d love for that to happen before I go to Kaz. Probably an impossible goal, but who knows…
********************************************************************** On New Year's day, Alesia and my brother and I were in the kitchen. Alesia had told Bruce earlier in the day he could dye his hair and look younger. Bruce thought that was funny. I made an offhand remark about him trying Botox. Alesia looked puzzled and asked me to explain that. I said “You know, sometimes people put Botox in their skin to look younger.” She looked even more disturbed and said “How could they have bottoms on their faces?” Then it was my turn to look confused. I said “Bottoms? What are you talking about?” She sighed, and said “Well, you said they put buttocks on their faces?!” Guess I need to enunciate better…
