The Crab Chronicles

Another Day Gone

Well, yesterday was a rotten day in a lot of ways. I was exhausted from not getting much sleep Monday night - the comment Alesia made about wetting the bed really upset me. I posted about it on a website for parents of older adopted kids and several parents replied their children had told them similar stories of horror. Our poor children. Here's the site: Older Child Adoptions

Alesia has a small lump near her left breast. Mother and I were worried, so I took her to Dr. Verbitsky [our doctor] yesterday. She was delighted to meet Alesia and they chatted in Russian for a few minutes. She is a very sweet lady. She felt of the lump and said it was nothing to worry about - a benign fibroid cyst in the lymph node. She said the fact that it hurts is actually a good sign. We were vastly relieved.

Alesia has a new tutor, Bronwyn's sister Lindsey. She is a SAHM but very brilliant - has a medical degree. She works very well with Alesia, particularly on Math and Science. Alesia seems more happy since Lindsey has been working with her. I know she is more happy when her mind is engaged.

I got a call last night from Pasha, a young man I met in Khabarovsk when the choir sang there in 2003. He is a dear friend. He hung out with me a lot on all my adoption trips, and translated for me as he speaks fluent English. He is a brilliant guy. His degree is in Engineering and he just finished college a couple of years ago. We had lost touch when his e-mails started bouncing back. He said he had changed his password and then forgot it. He had to quit his job and help his mother, who has no other family, and has been very ill. He himself had also been ill. So he's had a hard time. He worked at Alesia's orphanage for a while, as a volunteer, teaching the children computer skills. He spoke to Alesia too. He told me "She sounds so American now!" I invited him again to come see us in America any time. It was so good to hear his voice, even if the connection from Khabarovsk was bad.

After dinner last night we started watching "That's Entertainment," on video. It has wonderful dance clips from old movies. Alesia was enthralled. She had her jazz/tap class last night. The old movies can make anyone want to dance.

I'm told the visas aren't being issued by the embassy, because the computer glitch isn't fixed. It's so frustrating. I feel like my whole life is on hold. I'm helpless. They have my passport.  I just pray about it, about 10 times a day.

Orphanage Life

I am sitting here in tears of frustration - and not just because I am delayed in leaving for Kazakhstan. I am frustrated and angry because I could not rescue my daughter sooner.

Alesia has a sore spot on her back, cause unknown - probably a bug bite. One of her tutors said put a hot compress on it. So I put a hot compress on it at bedtime tonight, and Alesia read a book for a few minutes to let it work. Then I put Neosporin and a bandaid on the place. Hopefully it will clear up in a few days. As I was finishing up I noticed a wet spot on the sheet. I said "Oh dear, let me get the hair dryer and dry that place. you don't want to sleep on that wet place."

Alesia replied matter-of-factly, "It doesn't matter. I've slept in my own pee."

I was startled. "What are you talking about?"

"In the first orphanage where they put me, I would wet the bed. If I told the caretaker she would scream at me and scare me, so I quit telling her."

I looked at her. She was telling the truth. I wasn't surprised. She was only in the baby house for about 6 months before they put her in the orphanage in Topolevo.

I felt - and feel - such RAGE. Alesia was 6 years old and had just been taken away from the only mother she knew, and was in a place full of strangers, probably scared to death, and that monster screamed at her for wetting the bed!?!!

I marched into the bathroom and grabbed the hair dryer and went back in her room. I dried her sheet. As I finished, I looked at Alesia and said "You should never sleep on wet sheets. That should NEVER have happened. That woman was a barbarian. I wish I could go to Russia and find her - I'd slap her so hard!"

Alesia now looked startled. "Mom!"

"Alesia, nobody should do that to a child. Nobody. I wet the bed every night when I was small, and I just got up, got a clean gown and washed off, and crawled in bed with my parents. That's the way it should be."

I wanted to scream. I wanted to wail and weep and clutch her to me. I wanted to erase her memories of that horror, and all the other things she suffered - the raggedy ill-fitting clothes, poor food,  the shame heaped on her for having an undiagnosed learning disability, the fear of the other kids, who sometimes beat her, the fact that the only love she count on was from the stray dogs living outside the orphanage gate.

How did she survive that and not become filled with rage?

How can people turn their backs on these children in the orphanages? How do they sleep at night, knowing there are children suffering so terribly and they are doing NOTHING?!

All I can is rescue two kids. I pray every day to do MORE. I pray I can write stories that will change people's hearts. This has become the purpose of my life.

I pray to God my son has not had to endure the horrors Alesia has lived with. I pray somebody has loved him. I pray I can soon leave and go get him out of there.

Money Makes the World Go Around

I went to the bank Saturday morning to get the $9,000 in cold hard cash - the crisp new $100 bills, that I need to complete the adoption. After spending over an hour there, waiting for the FBI or somebody to say it was OK to give me my money, I had to leave. I had to take Alesia to art class - and they refused to give me my money! I was so ticked. I was told if I go back tomorrow morning at 9 they will expedite giving me my money. So that's the plan. I will be in after that.

I was in church this morning and a young mother came in and sat in front of me with two little boys. I noticed the older boy was missing his right hand and forearm. He had brown hair and big brown eyes. He looked so much like my boy. I almost cried. I wanted to hug him!

I sent an e-mail to Alesia’s youth group leader tonight. Alesia brought home a mason jar with her tonight from youth group, and when I asked her why, she said "To collect money!" I said "Money for what, exactly?" She looked annoyed. "I don't know! I just need to collect it!"

 

I was really semi depressed all weekend, because of the visa situation and the delay in leaving. I posted a message on the Yahoo Kazakhstan message board, and a kind person sent me this:

We, too, are held up with the visa issue, only we have been waiting three weeks for it to get cleared up.  We heard on Friday afternoon, from two different sources, that the problem was fixed and that our #'s should be at the Embassy by Monday.  Now, we have been told similar things the past two weekends, but we are hoping that it is real this time.

So now I can hope again. I researched travel options, and if I get my visa this week, I may be able to leave on Sunday, March 4^th. Yay! I am praying.

Walk the Line

Friday, February 23, 2007

I spoke to the travel agent on the phone this afternoon and he said there are very few flights from Astana to Petro. Alla said I should wait until I get the visa before I make definite travel plans. Sooooo frustrating. I sent this out to friends:

Well, I was hoping to leave on March 2nd, but it's looking more and more

like it will be 5-10 days beyond that before I can get on a plane.

I can't go until I have a visa issued by the Kazakhstan embassy. I

talked to the travel agent this afternoon told him the agency advises me

the embassy is being slow about issuing visas to travel. There's some

computer glitch in Astana that's messing everything up at the moment. So

even the agency can't give me a good idea of what will happen. Even

though I sent everything off yesterday and paid extra for expedited

service, there are no guarantees. I also told the agent that because of

the delays in getting visas, it will be better for me to wait until I

have the visa in my hand before I make any definite travel arrangements.

So that's what I will do, just wait. If I get lucky, I may get the visit

by the middle of next week. It's possible it may be another couple of

weeks, though.

Once I do get the visa in my hand it will likely be 5 days or more

before I can travel. That should be plenty of time to wrap things up

here and at home. There are only a few flights into Petropavlovsk each

week, so my options will be limited. I heard of one couple who flew into

Petro with their baggage stowed just a few feet away from them, and less

than 10 people on the plane. If I'm on a plane that small I will have to

keep a large plastic bag handy...

I HATE having to continue waiting and not make definite plans, but

there's no choice. Thank goodness I have plenty of Pepcid to get me

through the waiting time.

I am just trying to keep my mind off of it, and stay busy. We watched “Walk the Line” – the biopic about Johnny and June Carter Cash. Wonderful film. Granny actually watched most of it with us.

We are all starting to talk about our boy – what games he likes, what sports he might play, whether or not he can be trained to put the toilet lid down. I maintain he should be trained in bathroom etiquette, Mother and Alesia say they don’t care. They never had to clean up after Bruce.

I have always said if I ever had a boy I would train him up right! These are my goals for him:

He will be respectful to ALL women.

He will have excellent manners, with everyone.

He will have strong faith in God.

He will be a hard worker.

He will be a man of honor.

He will take care of his family.

He will not be afraid to talk about his feelings!! [this one will be tough but I’m determined to give it my best shot]

He will not grow up to be the kind of man who thinks sitting on his butt in a barcalounger watching sport, with a beer in his hand, is the best use of his time.

 

We have a lot to do. I’m ready to go NOW.

Paper Chase

I spent the day yesterday, it seemed, chasing paper.

I didn't even try to go to work in the morning. I had to fill out a long form to get a visa, go by Kinko's and print out a photo to send with the application, go to the bank, to the post office, the office of vital records, the superior court clerk's office, etc. I was so relieved to get everything done. Then I got back to the office and got an e-mail form the agency saying make two more passport copies and get them notarozed and apostilled. Well, I'm not doing that today.

Because I did the $245 expedited turnaround on the visa from the Kaz embassy, I was thinking I will get it back by the middle of next week. Then I started reading online where the embassys were delaying issuing the visas because of some computer glitch in Kaz. Aaaaargh! So I just have to wait and pray! I e-mailed the agency to see if they could advise me on that.

I got out all my bags of stuff on the floor and looked at them. It's going to be a strain to get everything in the one big and one very small suitcases I am taking. I am determined to "pack light" though.

If I get my visa next week, I can probably leave on Friday March 2. It looks like it's going to be a three legged journey to Petro. First the 9 hour flight to Frankfurt, then a long layover. Then a 6 hour flight to Astana. Then I can't get a flight to Petro so I will probably take a train, or possibly someone from the agency will drive me. I fear driving on snowy/icy roads and there's no way to predict the road situation.

Alesia is grumpy these days but I had a talk with her. She's wearing out mother's patience. I know she is just worried about me leaving.

I can hardly believe the trip is coming true. Pray for me!

I'm Going to Kaz!!!

GOT MY LOI TODAY, YAY!!!! Alla sent me an e-mail late yesterday saying there was a delay, and I was very bummed this morning. Then this afternoon, she called and said the LOI was in her hand. YAY! I am beyond excited. I did a little happy dance at work. I have a million things to finish up before I can go – several different lists!

I can hardly believe it is really, finally, happening! I got very emotional at church tonight when everyone was voicing prayer concerns. I wanted to say pray for my little boy, but when my mind formed the words “little boy” big tears sprang to my eyes. I was only able to croak out, Please pray for my mother and my daughter. Mom said later she wanted to ask them to pray for me but was afraid she would cry.

 

We went to Ash Wednesday service at church tonight and I forgot to explain ahead of time to Alesia about the Imposition of the Ashes.

When the service was over and we got home, I said to Alesia “Do you know why you have ashes on your head?”

Alesia said “No I don’t.”

I said “It’s a sign of your penitence.”

Alesia knitted her brows together at this new word. “What’s penitence?”

“It’s when you ask God for forgiveness for your sins. The ashes symbolize your penitence.”

Alesia looked highly skeptical, “Oh, like THAT’s gonna help!”

Mother and I laughed so hard! Alesia looked annoyed.

This afternoon I had to run to Kroger before church and pick up a prescription. Alesia was quiet in the car, then she said “Do they make thong underwear in great big sizes?”

“I really don’t know. I hope NOT,” I replied.

“Why?” she said.

“Well, if I wore that kind of underwear it would disappear and never be seen again. OUCH! YUCKO!”

Alesia rolled her eyes.

I hope she wasn’t thinking of giving me thong underwear as a going away present…

Delays

I heard today that the reason I haven’t gotten my letter of invitation to Kazakhstan is there’s some technical problem with assigning numbers, so everything is halted while they get that fixed. Aaaargh! So frustrating, but there’s nothing I can do. At least now I can pray specifically for that technical thingy to be fixed so they will invite me over soon! J

Maybe this is happening so it won’t be so freezing cold when I finally do get over there – like above zero would be nice. I check the weather there every day on www.wunderground.com

I keep reminding myself of my favorite aphorism: God’s timing is exactly what we would want for ourselves if we knew all the facts…

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We went to a pancake supper at church last night, for Shrove Tuesday, and had a wonderful time. Alesia had dance class so it was just Mother and me. We sat with Mom's Sunday School teacher and his wife, and it was interesting to chat with them. He knows a family in Augusta with 5 special needs kids, all adopted from Russia. I had heard the name before, somewhere.

We watched a little indi movei last night called Half Nelson, which I had heard good things about. It contains some bad language and a couple of scenes we had to fast-forward through, but it was worth watching. It's about a middle school teacher who is a crack/coke addict. The message I want Alesia to get is how destructive drugs are and how easy it is to get caught up in them. She hates it when I lecture her so I am hoping a dramatic movie will show her, in horrifying detail, the dangers of drug use. Maybe it will make an impression. We will certainly discuss it after we finish it tonight.

My Fair Girl

Yesterday was a jam-packed day, as are most Sundays now. Mother went to her first Sunday School class at the new church, and met more folks in her age group. I told her she wanted to join that class because they begin by playing the piano and singing, which I discovered because my class meets right down the hall. I think most everyone in there is in her age group, though Mother said later she thought everyone in there surely looked OLDER than her! I think she looks a lot more hip than most women her age, since she doesn’t have teased up 1950’s Granny hair, and I’ve got her wearing Crocs!

We went out to lunch yesterday at Smokey Bones, at Alesia’s request. It’s a barbeque place, but they have a widely varied menu. I think Alesia likes it because there are TV’s everywhere and she can watch them and not be bored. They have wickedly good homemade donuts you can buy and take home, which she likes. Here’s the website – see if there is one near you: http://www.smokeybones.com/

We spent most of lunch debating names for Igor. We all still like and agree on Matthew, Michael, and William, but Alesia’s lobbying hard for Alexander. I like it OK, but it’s not a first choice. My fear is if I offer it to Igor as a choice he will automatically choose it because it sounds Russian – it’s a common name in Russia.

Alesia and food issues seem to crop up on a daily basis. Alesia has decided she doesn’t like Vienna sausages. Our family has lived on Vienna sausages ever since I can remember, although I don’t care for them. I ate a million growing up. I remember Mom taking them on trips with us in case we couldn’t find somewhere to eat – yes, I am so old I remember when there wasn’t a McDonald’s every 5 miles. Anyway, Bruce brought some Vienna sausages last time he was home and Alesia ate them. She has eaten them several times since then. However, in the store yesterday she informed me that she no longer likes them. I was so irritated. I confess I really snapped at her. I said something like “WHY on earth do you like something one day and not like it the next day? What’s WRONG with you?” She looked at me like Mom, you’re losing it, and said “The first time I eat it, it tastes really good, then I eat it again and it doesn’t taste as good the next time. Then I figure out I don’t like it.” I snapped back sarcastically “Well if you were starving to death would you eat a Vienna sausage? No?! Bad choice!”  I probably overreacted, but I am understandably uptight these days, waiting to hear when I can make travel plans for Kazakhstan.

We were driving somewhere yesterday and Alesia, who still gets her words mixed up sometimes, made a funny remark. We often talk about what we like or dislike about different homes and buildings we see. Alesia looked at some condos and said “I like those condoms!” She immediately realized her mistake and started giggling.

We watched My Fair Lady tonight, which is one of our family's favorite films. Mother and I can sing all the words to most every song. Alesia watched it intently. When it was over she said she didn't like Eliza or Professor Higgins. I asked her if she liked anyone in the flim. "Yes, I liked Freddy" was her answer. I told Mother, I think it makes her uneasy because there are parallels between her and Eliza. The relationship between Eliza and Professor Higgins is also rather complicated. Freddy is easy - he just adores Eliza. He's easy to like. Alesia is smart enough to pick up on the multi-layered aspects of the story, but she clearly doesn't want to examine them too closely. Doesn't surprise me. I hope one day she will appreciate it.

Underwear and Baseball Uniforms

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Braves are getting ready for another season. I just read the other day where John Smoltz and his wife are splitting up. Very sad. I wonder how it will affect his wardrobe?

Funny story. Shortly after we moved in this house, I showed Alesia my official Braves uniform shirt with the name Smoltz on the back. I bought this before she came home and it tickled me to wear it occasionally since I love baseball and I am the grandchild of a pro baseball player. So I showed Alesia where Smoltz was written the back of the shirt. I explained that the name was John Smoltz, a pitcher for the Braves. Her eyes got wide. “You have HIS shirt? What will he wear to play?” I laughed so hard! Poor kid was quite irritated with me but I couldn’t help it. She takes so many things quite literally.

Bronwyn said Alesia asked to work on history. She took a quiz and did really well on it, even though I haven’t had a chance to work with her in several weeks, since I’ve been sick. I am so delighted that Alesia is taking an interest in history, which I love. She has read almost two entire sets of American Girl books in the last couple of weeks. I have ordered her two more sets of the books. I am just thrilled she is getting into these stories, and starting to enjoy history. My father taught me to love history – it takes a personal tutor to infect you with the love of it.

Alesia had a busy day, because after tutoring she was off to art class, then I dropped her off at the movie theater to see Bridge to Terabithia with the Barrs. She didn’t much like the movie, she said. I have noticed she doesn’t like it when sympathetic characters in movies die. Maybe it’s nerves due to me leaving her while I go adopt her brother. Maybe it’s her fear or confusion about her birthparents. Who knows. I just try to be there for her and be her safety net.

We were watching the movie O Pioneers tonight, which was a TV movie based on the Willa Cather novel, and I thought it tied in with her history lessons. She watched a shot of women in the long dresses of the 1890’s and said to me, very seriously, “Did they have to wear big panties?”  She meant “pantalettes,” of course. I wasn’t sure what underwear they wore just then, and said so. She will likely Google/Image 1890’s underwear next time Bronwyn is over here.

One of my Hasty cousins asked me if I had watched the Oprah show about The Secret, and we’ve been discussing it a little on my Yahoo Single Moms board. I think the whole big mysterious “Secret” is simply that one should have a positive attitude, then life is a lot easier. Big duh.

One of the few good things about getting older is I feel like I am able to figure out what's important so much better now. I KNOW what's important. I am much more self-aware than I used to be. I am not blindly stumbling along, angry and afraid because of the past, or desperate to get my future under control. In a way, I am glad I never got married and had a family the conventional way. I think God is in control of it all and he knows me so much better than I know myself.

The older I get, the more i am able to see the pattern of my life - everything fits together, like a puzzle. One event that seems random, isn't really. I thought my 2003 trip to Russia was just going to be an adventure, a lark. Nobody could've told me ahead of time that it would change my life in such a profound way. I had a premonition it would be an important trip for me, but no idea why.

It's such a cliche, but if I really can "let go and let God" I always triumph over whatever it is that's bothering me. The more I try to control everything, the less control I really have. That's not to say I am not anxious - if anything, I just internalize it. I eat nervously. I get sick. I sleep badly. However, I am so much better than I used to be when I was younger.

Of course, the minute I really figure out EVERYTHING I need to know, I will probably drop dead! LOL

What's Important

It has been a tough week, emotionally and physically. Between the bouts of nausea [a side effect of the antibiotic] and my arthritis, I’ve not done too well. I think all of my decrepitude is exacerbated by plain old stress. The cold weather doesn’t help either.

Tomorrow is my last day on the antibiotics, thank God.

I keep wondering what to do about my trip to Kazakhstan. Should I forget about it? Then I picture myself running around like a nutcase trying to get it all done when I finally get the LOI and can plan the trip. On the other hand, I almost think I’m jinxing it if I prepare too much. No easy answers.

Alesia is plowing through the American Girl series of books and I am very proud of her. I think they are only on 3^rd of 4^th grade level, so no challenge, but she is learning about history, in a small way, and broadening her world. We are also watching some good movies. Tonight we watched “Seabisquit” – lots of lessons in there about the Great Depression. Tomorrow we are watching “O Pioneers” – a TV movie based on the Willa Cather novel.

Bronwyn came and worked with her some extra time today, to make up for having missed some time this week. Alesia is hungry for knowledge. I can see it in her. It gives me hope that maybe someday she can go to college.

I continue reading Cindy’s blog every chance I get. She was blogging [an archived post] about people who aren’t very interesting to her. I said Amen, Sister! As I was reading. There are people at work who probably think I am standoffish because I don’t participate in conversations about American Idol, or any sporting event. I have not interest in sports or reality TV. I’m not interested in people who are passionate about clothes or cars, or any sort of silly material thing like that. I AM interested in things like, how do I help my kids like themselves and do well in school? How do we fix the ozone layer? Do I ever want to live in the country? Could I ever afford another adoption? Can I stand to keep being a paralegal?

The people I want to know are people who are passionate about ideas, and who are caretakers. I want to know people who are interested in God, and faith, but not hung up on only their point of view. I like to hear about the nooks and crannies of the human heart, and how do we shine lights there? Or should we simply be content with the darkness sometimes?

I have always loved books and movies and music. They will always be part of my life, and they give me a mental break. They don’t interest me passionately any more, however.

I used to think being rich and not having to work would be perfect happiness. The more I take comfort and pleasure in my little house, and my mother, daughter, and dog, the more I realize how stupid I was just recently. Today my mother sent me a cool e-mail with some amazing photos of China. Alesia stood next to me by the computer, her arm around my shoulder, and we ooh’d and ah’d together. I thought of my friends who are Chinese, or who have adopted children from China. Most of all, I was just delighted to be showing Alesia the world. That’s my idea of happiness.