A work friend of mine the other day was describing to me, in rapturous tones, how fabulous her “getaway” weekend was, in the mountains with her husband. “We like to take really long hikes,” she explained. I don’t think she saw it, but I shuddered.
When I was in 6th grade, all the kids at my middle school were encouraged to go to a 1 week “environmental education” camp called Tremont, in the Smoky Mountains, which were about an hour away from Knoxville. Everyone who was anyone went to Tremont. It was very popular.
I went to Tremont. By the time I left there, I HATED hiking. I am not talking about a mild dislike, I mean I hate hiking with a passionate loathing. We hiked during the day. We hiked in rain. We hiked at night, in the dark. We hiked up mountains and down mountains, on switchback trails. We were supposed to be developing an appreciation for nature and love of the outdoors. I developed blisters on my feet, personal chafing issues, and an extreme aversion to anything even remotely resembling hiking. Even the term “nature walk” fills me with dread.
It’s not that I don’t believe in appreciating nature. I do. I think it’s very important to preserve our environment – for my children, and others. Just not for me. I would rather Google “waterfall” than hike anywhere to see one. By the time I am sweaty, covered in insect bites, and my feet hurt, I am not going to think it’s worth seeing that waterfall. I am going to be very grumpy, and we ain’t talking about Snow White’s buddy.
I want to enjoy nature from a comfy seat, with a remote control in my hand, preferably wearing only a caftan, with an icy cold Diet Coke at my side. I don’t just feel that way because I’m old and fat. I would’ve told you the same thing when I was 20, except then I would’ve said Tab.
In my ideal world, enjoying nature would mean going to an Imax theatre and enjoying it from a barcalounger. No bugs there.
You see, in my ideal world, hiking is not revered. It’s something for people who simply don’t have cable TV.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about My Ideal World. I have a long commute.
Obviously, in my ideal world, things like war, poverty, child abuse, and mental illness would not exist. I bet that’s true for your ideal world, too. That’s why beauty pageant contestants always say their ideal world would include World Peace. [What they really want to say is there would be no cellulite, but that’s another rant…]
I am a very biased person. I freely admit this. I have a lot of opinions, some not very popular, and since I value my friendships and my job, I rarely rant and rave any more, except here, in my blog. You may disagree with everything I say, and you can just get irritated and flip right to YouTube, and that’s fine. I get ticked off sometimes when I read blogs, and then I just flip over to Pioneer Woman’s website, because she has an amazing knack for never saying anything that could remotely offend anyone. It’s very soothing, her site. However, I digress.
In My Ideal World, it would be OK to digress all the time.
In My Ideal World, the temperature would always be between 65 and 75, inside and out.
In My Ideal World, everyone would speak English. A child could learn another language to use at home, or maybe at parties, but English would be the official language everywhere. We could let folks in the British Isles and Canada speak their versions of English [for instance I just love the way y’all spell “diarrhoea”] but everyone else worldwide would have to learn American English.
In My Ideal World, my son would always remember to keep his pants zipped and my daughter’s bra strap would never show.
In My Ideal World, there would be no Bad Hair Days, for anyone.
In My Ideal World, Googling would be an Olympic sport.
In My Ideal World, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream would be everywhere and it would be free. Ditto for Krispy Kreme donuts.
In My Ideal World, everyone could eat as much as they want and never gain weight. Free Godiva chocolates would be everywhere. French fries would be at every family meal – the good kind. You know what I mean.
In my ideal world, humor would be taught in schools. Comedians would be worshipped and adored.
In My Ideal World, all dogs and cats could use the toilets, and flush. And they wouldn’t sniff our butts. Nor would they lick their privates and then come to “kiss” us. Actually, there would be a whole protocol for dogs and cats…
In My Ideal World, everything that can be recycled, would be. Alternative fuels research would be the top priority of the government.
These are the things which simply would not exist, in my ideal world:
Iceberg lettuce
Computer viruses
atheists
Broccoli
Acid indigestion
acne
Bathroom scales [wouldn’t be needed – we’d all be our ideal weight!]
potholes
Curse words
Cellulite
snakes
videogames
arthritis
bad grammar
High heeled shoes
Skin rashes
Mental illness
Fashion designers like Galliano
Rap music [the kind with nasty lyrics]
The US Congress [we’d come up with a better system]
In My Ideal World, women genetically inclined to have short, chubby legs, would be worshipped like goddesses, and live like queens.
In My Ideal World, I would have a personal assistant robot, one who never had to go to the bathroom or take a vacation, and who could keep me perfectly organized and fix my computer. She would laugh at my jokes, help the kids with homework, drive my car, and wash dishes.
In My Ideal World, everyone would wear Crocs. [Except my personal assistant, who would wear steel-toed boots to kick the a** of anyone who threatened me or my family…]
In My Ideal World, I would never have to wear a bra. [There would be no need; get my drift??!]
In My Ideal World, my kids would go to awesome schools and never have problems with learning or communicating.
In My Ideal World, there would be no miscommunication or misunderstanding.
In My Ideal World, everyone worldwide would take a hot shower every day, with strong soap, and they would wear clean clothes and use lots of deodorant. [Wow, I was channeling my grandmother on that one, except for the tall muscular blonde shower attendant named Sven who was helping wash my back… oops, I digress..]
In My Ideal World, everyone would be a good cook, and mince vegetables very fine, thus eliminating the anxiety I always associate with eating at someone’s house.
In My Ideal World, cars, houses, and electronic equipment would never need maintenance. Well, either that or my robot assistant would take care of those things…
In My Ideal World, I could work from home. In a barcalounger.
In My Ideal World, everyone would get off a month of vacation in the summer and a month in the winter.
In My Ideal World, nobody would ever be hurt or sick. We’d just drop dead when we’re 120. [Everyone in the medical field would be re-trained to be a comedian.]
In My Ideal World, everyone would laugh, frequently. [See the earlier comments about comedians…J]
Well, I hope you enjoyed our trip to Fantasy Island, where there are no bugs, nobody sweats, drinks with tiny umbrellas are available 24 hours a day, and Ricardo Montalban promises naughty things with his eyes…
