I am reminded of something which I need to say here, and I have neglected it for a couple of days. Reading my friend Cindy LaJoy’s post today brought it back to mind.
Our therapist is from Georgia and speaks fluent Russian and Georgian. She told me the other day that when a child is brought to her right after coming to America, still speaking only Russian, she urges the parents to bring him right to her. She can then spend several hours with the child, getting them to recount, in as much detail as possible, everything they remember about their early life and experiences, whether in the birth home or the orphanage. She said if she waits even a few weeks, the child often loses their Russian quickly, and rapidly closes the door on their past. Orphans tend to live in the “here and now” because that’s how they cope.
The therapist keeps her notes, as a rich source of knowledge about the child. She goes back many times in the subsequent months and reminds them of what they said, so she can ask them about it more closely. They are often astonished about what they said in the initial “debriefing.” Unfortunately, as they lose their language they lose access to their memories. Those past events become dim, dimmer, and then are gone completely, because they seem so long ago and far away, in a different world. Shutting that door, in the child’s mind, may seem like a blessing, but it’s not. The past is always there, filled with un-processed minefields and trip wires. When similar encounters happen here and now, those trip wires will reappear and cause the child to fall.
For example - I jumped up out of my chair one day, quickly, and Alesia flinched and ducked her head, a look of absolute panic on her face. I wasn’t mad or yelling at her. I wasn’t even thinking about her, even though she was sitting right across from me. I jumped up for some reason that had nothing to do with her. The look of fear on her face brought me up short, however. “What’s the matter?” I asked.
Alesia tried to calm herself. “There was a caretaker in the orphanage who used to sit a lot, but when she jumped up real quick like that, it meant she was going to hit someone. You just reminded me of that.”
I was taken aback. It seemed like such a small thing. “Did she hit you?” I asked carefully.
“Yes! I don’t want to think of that!” she cried out. It was pitiful. I wanted to cry. That was one of the catalysts for finally seeing the therapist.
I am counseling a PAP [perspective adoptive parent] by email at the moment, trying to give her a crash course in Older Children 101. Not that I’m an expert, just a veteran. I have learned so much the hard way, by making mistakes, particularly with Alesia. I was thinking today, I need to say to her, “Don’t get caught up in the mystical beauty of the experience. Think about practical stuff, like where will he go to school? What will he eat? How will we communicate?”
During my first adoption, I got so overwrought about everything. It took almost 18 months and was filled with pitfalls and setbacks. I would long to see my daughter and hold her. Sometimes I would despair. I cried all the time. I was a basket case. I had plenty of time to learn Russian, get her room ready, buy clothes, etc. – the fun stuff. However, I forgot to do some basic stuff, like figure out who would keep her for me after school. I didn’t learn an important phrase in Russian – “Get dressed, we need to go now.”
Only after my daughter came home did I realize how horribly ignorant I was of how to deal with her.
While driving to work this morning and reflecting on all the things I wished someone had told me, I thought, I should write a book about how to manage when you adopt an older child. However, there are few people willing to take on an older child who doesn’t speak English. Fewer than 5% of all foreign adoptions involve older children. There wouldn’t be much of a market. I also don’t have any degrees in psychology or counseling. I cannot call myself an “expert,” in any real sense of the word.
I am simply a battle-scarred veteran, after almost 4 years as a parent.
If I did write a book, some of my advice would likely be met with hostility. For instance, I’d be tempted to say “Give them LOTS of meat, so they will grow!” What if the parents are vegetarian, though? Would it have to be “Stuff them full of tofu and dairy products!”
Some people are pro vitamin, some anti vitamin. I am pro. I also give my kids fish oil, calcium, and if they can't sleep, Melatonin. I fully believe in alternative medicines. I maintain my sanity with an herbal remedy called Maca Root, which tamps down the lovely hot flashes and heart palpitations and helps me stay functional.
Cultural differences are always a hot topic. I would likely tick off any Russian or Kazakh people if I said things like “Young women in Russia and Kaz dress like hookers because they’re taught the only important thing in life is to find a man!” I had actually heard that from a number of different sources, people who have lived in Russia. I posted something to that effect on a forum and was taken to task by a Russian woman who thought I was horrible, wrongheaded, etc. etc. Of course, gross generalizations are always risky.
When you adopt from Russia you always fight the hygiene battle. Make SURE your kid understands it is OK to flush used toilet paper down the toilet - it won't explode! Make sure they know you expect them to bathe every day or two, and wash hands before a meal. Clean hair is a virtue, as are clean clothes. Deoderant is a necessity.
What one always has to remember is that all kids are the same and yet totally different. Parenting my son is vastly different than parenting my daughter, although they are both great kids.
I’m probably better off to just stick to articles on websites and advice on here.
IN OTHER NEWS
Michael’s ESL teacher and I had a good conversation today. She got the school to change his grades to X’s, since he’s still under ESL guidelines. It’s not fair to grade him on anything yet. Of course, he had earned an A in math and a B in Social Studies, but this will work out better, I am sure.
My aunt, I just learned, fell and broke her hip last week. She is about 80. Her daughter and granddaughter care for her at home, so she's in good hands. I pray that everyone in the Myrtle Beach branch of the family, as I think of them, can manage to care for my aunt [and my uncle who has Parkinsons] and keep their strength and their spirits high.
I am hearing horror stories of trying to find gas in the Atlanta area. My neighbor had to go to 6 different stations! My cousin couldn't find any gas in Buckhead or north Cobb County. I got to get up and get moving early in the morning..
I told Michael no cartoons tomorrow morning unless he earned TV time by completing workbook pages. He did 4 pages while I fixed supper. I only had to help him a bit.
