Drama Around the Christmas Tree

On the way to my daughter’s school I pass a replica of the White House that is quite impressive. It's not nearly as big, of course. The front lawn shrubbery spells out "God [heart] you." Now it's for sale:

The owner builds McMansions and nobody is buying them right now, so the bank is fixing to take his house. I hate to see anyone lose their house, but these folks have caused a lot of whiplash injuries, due to passing motorists craning their necks to catch a glimpse of the property.

When I was driving in this morning they said it was 71 degrees. Yep. I didn’t even need a sweater this morning. We are supposed to get winter back on Sunday. Good timing, since I am planning on spending Sunday afternoon baking…

Michael fell and scraped his knee yesterday walking to the tennis courts for his lesson. He came home and Alesia doctored it, with supervision from Mother. Alesia is a good little nurse, and always ready to step in and help with Michael’s booboo’s. I like to use highly technical language like that. Michael likes to figure out his own words for things when he doesn’t know the English word. He and Alesia both referred to their flesh as meat, before they knew the word flesh. I’m not sure which word is more disgusting. When one of the kids is looking at a booboo and remarks “Look, the meat is shredded!” it sorta makes me want to turn vegetarian, for a moment.

This morning Michael pulled his usual Pity Party due to his knee booboo. “Look! It’s still red!” he wailed. “There’s no crust!” – meaning, no scab, of course. What’s worse, crust or scab? Hard to answer that. He whined, and moaned, and complained incessantly while I was trying to make breakfast. He wouldn’t tell me what he would eat. Finally I just put two more Eggo waffles in the toaster and said “You’re gonna eat waffles, dude.”

We sat down to eat. I was already frazzled from his complaining, with great drama, “I can’t plug in the tree lights, my knee hurts!! Neosporin does NOT relieve pain! I’m never using it AGAIN!” – plus I had cooked my eggs and grits on too high a heat and hot grease had spattered in my face a minute earlier, causing me to scream out a curse word. It was a really bad one, the one that rhymes with duck. Hey, it got Mike’s attention and he shut up for a moment. So we’re trying to eat and Michael puts his head in his hands and says, with more drama, “I don’t want to eat!” I put down my fork and looked at him. “If you don’t put the waffle in your mouth right this minute, Alesia is going to hold you down and I WILL shove it in!” I hissed. He looked at me and frowned. When your kids know you are a bit crazy, it’s an effective tool for discipline. He ate the waffles. Dramatically pouring enough syrup on them to send most people into a diabetic coma.

Within 5 minutes of eating his waffles, Michael was a different child – sweet, calm. It’s amazing what normalizing the blood sugar will do.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If I have to listen to Brenda Lee sing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” one more time, I will attack the radio with an axe. Ditto for Feliz Navidad, even though I can sing it perfectly and I don’t speak Spanish.

I don’t think I have ever shared a funny email here, but I feel absolutely compelled to print this one, because it made me laugh so hard I cried.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.  

   Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

   I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

   I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

  I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all

kinds of nasty germs including feces.

  I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

   Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

  I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

  I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

  Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL  are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

  Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

  I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

   I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

   I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

  And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

   I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

   I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

   I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

   I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

   I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,  Singapore  and  Uzbekistan.

   I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe..

   Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

  And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...