Hallmark Moments

I went to Barnes & Noble on my lunch hour, for a last minute gift or two. What a mistake. The parking lot was a scene of terror. I said the parking lot prayer and slid into a space, my heart pounding. I was sweating so hard I didn’t even wear my coat into the store.

Once inside, I found a bunch of harried folks. One guy left his cell phone on a stack of books. I saw a guy who works at my company and he was standing in the register line looking like he was fixing to eat his own spleen. Yesterday in the elevator he had looked relatively normal.

When I got home, Alesia was at Elena’s. I wrapped some Christmas presents to deliver to friends, then Michael and I hit the road. First we picked up Alesia. Next we made deliveries. Finally, we picked up sandwiches at Firehouse Subs. We came home and ate, then watched a movie. It was a pleasant evening.

After the movie, Alesia started arguing with Michael over nothing. They bickered and bickered until I finally said “Hush, both of you!” Alesia kept bating him. I said “Y'all, be quiet!” She kept talking. Michael stopped. I finally just totally lost my cool and screamed, “ALESIA SHUT UP!!” She said “I’m not going to. You can’t MAKE me,” in a calm voice. I was so angry I could feel my blood pressure shooting up. I wanted to slap her. It was not a Hallmark moment.

I managed to calm down pretty quickly. Michael didn’t look particularly upset about what had happened, but he quickly kissed Mother goodnight and scampered up to his room.

I told Mother, it’s like Alesia wants me to become so enraged I will hit her. It truly feels like she wants that. I would never do it, of course, but it’s like she’s taunting me, saying you have no power over me unless you hit me, old woman. To say it is unnerving is an understatement. I don’t know what to do about it. I'm sure it arises from how she was treated in the past.

Then again, she is 15 emotionally, 17 physically.

 

Is your family a Hallmark card kinda one, with two parents and two cute kids, a stay at home mom who loves to bake, a Dad who is wonderfully caring and a great provider? No? Well join the club. I cannot think of anyone I know who grew up in that idealized Hallmark family, or who currently has that type of family. I think that family only exists in the mind of marketing people.

Every family I know, especially my own, has some issues. The folks I know try very hard, but end up just muddling through everything and trying to love each other as much as possible.

My house isn’t perfectly clean, or particularly well decorated, but what we have was done with love. I don’t have any particular traditions like singing carols on Christmas eve or putting out cookies for Santa. [We do always put out our collections of angels and Santas, though, now I think about it.] I don’t have any extended family that comes to our house, except my brother. We usually bake some goodies, but not always.

When I was a kid, Christmas wasn’t always consistent.

For several years during my childhood, I was very envious of all my brothers’ toys, and did my best to get them away from him. I always liked his toys better. Bitter fights ensued. Every year, my parents had a fight about the Christmas tree.

Some years my grandparents came, some years not [after I was 14 there were no more grandparents available, since they had all died or were incapacitated]. Sometimes my mother made a terrific dinner, sometimes it just wasn’t possible.

One year, when I was a kid, Mother was really sick, and Dad cooked hamburgers on the grill – they were burned on the outside and tasted of gasoline since he didn’t have lighter fluid.

One Christmas when I was a teenager and Bruce was in the army, it was just me and my parents and Bruce couldn’t come home – our first Christmas without him.  Dad cried all day. [Mother and I cried, too, but Dad won the prize.]

Christmas 2006 was very hard on me, because I had wanted to have Michael home and he was still in the orphanage, just due to adoption paperwork hassles. I tried to be cheerful for Alesia’s sake but it was tough.

Christmas 2005 was very bad for Alesia, because a friend brought over a bottle of champagne and I had a small glass of it. Alesia got VERY upset with me. I thought she was being silly. Finally, it occurred to me that every time she saw her birthmom drink, neglect and/or abuse followed. Seeing me drink brought terrible memories. To calm her down and reassure her, I had to finally tell her, I will never drink alcohol again.

So Christmas isn’t a perfect time, and we aren’t perfect people. We screw up. We don’t do everything right. Our family circumstances are always different, year to year. This year we’re without my brother, and he may not even be able to call us – phone lines are often jammed at Army bases on Christmas.

I always tell my kids, Attitude is Everything. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude towards it.

We’re going to have a nice Christmas day this year. I might have a glass of champagne.