The Crab Chronicles

Be Part of A Movie!

My friend, actor/producer Jeff Joslin, that I've known since we were kids, has launched an exciting new website, and you can be part of a Hollywood movie! It's called Hollywood Indie Film Club. You may be thinking, this sounds fishy. Well, it's not. Jeff is a person of integrity, great ingenuity and drive, and the films will be legitimate projects.

Jeff was a hunk and a football star when we went to Farragut High School, and even now he's still as gorgeous, inside and out. Check out the Hollywood Indie Film Club and become part of something exciting.

 

Guys I Have Had a Crush On! Plus Humor!

Yesterday's post wasn't exactly funny or scintillating. So today, I decided to try something different.

Remember, I posted a photo of Hugh Jackman not too long ago? I get a million hits on that one post, which is amazing to me. I mean, there are a zillion photos on the web of Wolverine, eh? Apparently, people find it intriguing that his photo is associated with a "crab" blog. Who knew.

So below, I've assembled some shots of guys I have had a crush on throughout my life, at least the 60's, 70's, and 80's. I have to give some thought to the 90's, but nobody leaps out at the moment. We'll do that next.

So here's a stroll down Hunk Memory Lane.

One of my earliest crushes was on Captain Kirk, William Shatner. I wanted to live on the Enterprise and have a cool blonde bouffant hairdo. I wanted to say "beam me up!" and mean it. I wanted to be his girlfriend and wear a cute costume. Alas, the show was canceled and I was crushed.

Another great crush was Charlton Heston. He was Moses, Ben Hur, the Omega Man - what a hunk. One of the first VCR tapes I saved up and bought was Ben Hur. I still think of the great lines from that film, from time to time - "Row well and live!" / "Blood begets blood, as dog begets dog!"

Now, as the 70's dawned I started to realize I wanted brains with my brawn. My tastes changed a bit. I never wanted to see this guy in tight costumes or a skirt, but his brain was as hunky as they get. My kids and I love the early Steve Martin movies and I own most of them. All of Me is a timeless classic.

Let's get small!!

In 1978 I saw the first HBO special starring Robin Williams. I fell in love. I fell hard. I would've stalked him if I'd been able to break free from my parents. His lightning fast wit still delights me. Just recently I saw through his entire interview on Inside the Actor's Studio, while my kids and Mother deserted me. Robin, if you're out there, call me, OK?!

In high school, when I first saw Billy Joel, I knew he was as magnetic and sexy as Robin, but in a musical way. I remember begging my parents to get me the album The Stranger. I listened to it so much I about wore it out. I can still sing every word to every song. Billy, I know you're old and bald and fat now, but hey, you're still a hunk to me, dude.

Look at the hair!

Speaking of the follicly challenged, here's Phil Collins, another crush. I saw Genesis in concert when I was in college, at the Omni in Atlanta, and I was blown away - so much so, I got lost on the way back to where I was staying. I drove around bad neighborhoods at midnight, lost in a Genesis fog. Phil, you may be bald as an egg but you're still cool, dude.

The 1980's just added to my roster of crush-worthy guys. The first time I saw Kevin Costner I about drooled a puddle. I think it was in Silverado, a great flick. I continued to see every Costner movie ever released. He can't do an accent to save his life, but I don't care.

Another hunk, with a twinkle in his eye, was Dennis Quaid. He's still hunky. Yowza.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention Harry Connick, Jr. Even though he's a bit younger than me [usually a turn off], he's brilliant. I memorized every song on the When Harry Met Sally soundtrack. I won tickets to see Harry in concert, years ago, in Knoxville. He was mesmerizing. Me and my friend John were sitting right down front, and at one point Harry took a long drink of water, and in a quiet moment, let loose a little fart. Well, the first 5 rows or so we all just screamed with laughter. He made some quip about it, that escapes me. The rest of the auditorium thought we were all nuts. Ah, good times...

I just saw Harry the other day in the movie New in Town and he is STILL hunky!

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Mother sent me this email below, which made me laugh out loud, or LOL. So now, after getting to look at the hunks, you get to laugh. Don't say I never gave you anything.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.  All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

 

1.  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

 

2.  I would not allow this student to breed.

 

3.  Your child has delusions of adequacy.

 

4.  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

5.  Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

6.  The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

 

7.  This child has been working with glue too much.

 

8.  When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

 

10.  If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

11.  It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

12.  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

 

These are actual comments made by 16 police officers.  The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

 

16.  'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

 

15.  'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

 

14.  'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

 

13.  'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

 

12.  'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

 

11.  'You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

 

10.  'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

 

9.  'Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

 

8.  'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

 

7.  'Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

 

6.  'Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

 

5.  'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

 

4.  'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

 

3.  'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

 

2.  'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail.'

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

 

1.  'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here.'

Too Hot to Move

We had a quiet, lazy day. I didn’t wake up until almost 9, which is unusual. I let the kids sleep until 11:30 for Mike and 12:20 for Alesia. They were so hyper last night that I figured they needed to calm down.

 

The high today was 98. I went outside and did some watering, but otherwise didn’t leave the house.

 

We ate a late lunch, of course, about 2:30. Mother suggested we make open-faced sandwiches, like we used to make when I was a kid. They were wonderful.

 

OPEN FACED SANDWICHES a la ELVA

 

Fry up one piece of bacon for each piece of bread. Toast the bread lightly under the broiler. Place a slice of tomato on the bread and salt it, then cover it with a slice of cheese. Break the bacon piece in half and put the bacon on top of the cheese, in parallel lines [not really necessary but it looks neater]. Run the bread under the broiler for a minute or two until the cheese is melted.

 

Michael complained that two pieces of bread was not enough. Mother laughed. Bruce used to always say he didn’t get enough slices of bread.

 

The kids spent the afternoon at the pool. I spent that time at the computer.

 

I’ve gotten a lot of great suggestions for marketing my book, from friends old and new. It’s taken me some time to wade through everything. I’ve still got marketing moves to make.

 

We watched the movie The Wrestler tonight. It was very realistic, and very sad. I wanted Michael to see that wrestling isn’t the glamorous world he thinks. He said he liked the movie. Alesia was annoyed by how it ended. I thought the end was rather predictable.

 

My house is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, I am out of work, it’s hot as h*** outside, and yet we had a nice, relaxing day. Ah, the good life.

Fish Tales

We’ve had a busy day. The kids and I went to the post office, the bank, and grocery shopping, all before noon. In this heat, you have to get out early or you will have a heat stroke. 95 today, heading to 98 tomorrow. And it’s not a dry heat.

 

The afternoon was quiet, because I needed some quiet. In the heat, you need quiet. The air conditioner upstairs is functioning much better, thanks be to God.

 

We picked up Alesia’s friend Anya and Mike’s friend Clay, and headed down to the Georgia Aquarium at 6. My cousin Frank and his wife Laura volunteer at the Aquarium and they got us free tickets. We met Frank, Laura, and their kids there. I had not seen them in years. On Friday nights there’s a jazz band playing in the middle of the hall, and it was fun hearing the music. The exhibits branch off the hall, like spokes of a wheel. I had seen them before, but I enjoyed the exhibits I went through.

 

The highlight for me was the Titanic exhibit. They had actual Titanic artifacts – including plates, toothbrushes, shoes, even papers. It was so eerie. They also had places where you could watch the Discovery channel program about the wreck.

 

The great thing about going on Friday night was that it wasn’t crowded. Even now, several years after it opened, the Georgia Aquarium tends to be very crowded. It’s the largest aquarium in the world. We are so fortunate it’s here.

 

Tomorrow I plan to be somnolent, in the heat. That’s what we have to do down here in the summer. Do I like hot sticky weather? Nope. However, it beats shoveling snow.

Irked

The folks at Amazon are incurring my wrath because they are telling people who order my book it won't ship until July 1, and not letting folks post reviews. Aaaargh!!

So, if you want to order my book, an alternative is the Barnes & Noble site. 

UPDATE: Amazon has shipped books out already to everyone who has ordered, so despite what their website says, you can order from them and get a book in a reasonable time.

As Windy astutely pointed out, if you will send me a check, I can mail you a copy and I get to keep more $ from the sale. You get an autographed book and you don't have to "shop online" which makes some people uncomfortable. Email me at [email protected] if you'd like to do that.

I Eat Life

I was in the kitchen fixing dinner a little while ago, and Alesia said "Oh Mom - what's that guy's name who was in Night At The Museum?"

"Ben Stiller?" I answered.

"Yes. He's OLD!" she exclaimed.

"I just saw him with GRAY HAIR! Eeeeuw!!"

"You're right! He's almost as old as I am! EEEEUW! He's short and he's old. Poor thing."

Alesia giggled.

My kids have watched more TV than usual in the last few days. I'm out of work. There's nothin' out there for a working gal right now.. I sit in the barcalounger in front of the TV, beer in hand, belly peeking out from under my tee shirt, hair matted and greasy, remote control in my hand, listlessly staring at the Idiot Box, my eyes glazed over...

HAHAHAHAHA! had you going there for a minute, didn't I? I started to put something about beard stubble but I realized that visual would give me away.

I am actually sleeping about 8 hours a night, and waking up around 7 or 8 in the morning.

I get up, water the gardens, fix a cup of tea, fix a cup of coffee for Mother, and some breakfast. This morning it was a bowl of Life cereal. I'm a go getter. I EAT LIFE! [cough cough, hahaha??!!]

I have not gotten the household into a routine yet, but I'm working on it. I thought next week we would get back to a more ordered existence, including doing some schoolwork every day for Mike, and some housecleaning every day.

When you work full-time, even if you have sweet, pretty obedient kids, the house doesn't stay spotlessly clean. I need to do some things like wash windows, and clean out the coat closet, and take a broom and poke down some pesky spiderwebs.  Fun stuff.

I actually was able to read 1 1/2 articles in National Geographic today while the air conditioning guy was here. He put some freon in the unit. Now maybe I will not live in a sweatshop upstairs all summer. The last technician told us nothing could be done. He just wanted us to buy a new system. This guy today is older, and honest.

On Sunday the 28th I am having an Open House and book signing, and I want my house to look terrific. That will take a concerted effort on all our parts. I am also carefully planning the food, from the delightful beanie-weanies on saltines, to the spam souffle, the Captain Cunch balls, to the Twinkie bites. [HAHAHAHA]

Y'all in the area? Holler at me and I'll give you the particulars.

And a Reminder: BUY MY BOOK!!! PLEASE!! I want the kids to eat! And I need a new barcalounger!

My cyber-friend Cindy LaJoy put a book review on her website here, which was so kind of her. She just found out she has pneumonia! Please say a prayer for her! She has 3 boys and is in the process of adopting a friend of my son's and her sister, an event which I have prayed about for a long time. I so want to see her get those little girls home!

Fellow contacted me about a new website he has launched for adoptive parents and persons, and I wanted to help him get it started, since it looks like a good site. Head on over to Adoption Voices - The Adoption Social Network and check it out.

Interview With Mr. T

This is an interview with my son, Michael, who is almost 13. Totally.

So, Mike, what's up, Dude?
I hate when people ask that question. No mom, I was just joking. Aaaaagh! Mom!!!

OK. Let's try this again. Are you having fun this summer? Like, at all?
Yes, some parts of it. Well, most, otherwise than being with Alesia sometimes.

I feel you, Dawg. What does she do that gets on your last nerve?
Pretty much everything. Don't write that down. OK, you can put that down.

Totally normal, Dude. You're her little brother. If you got along too well, I'd be worried... So, tennis. How's that?
Totally cool! I love it.

If you could do anything this summer, price no object, what would you like to do?
[After I explain "price no object"] Um, jump off an airplane!

OK, with diapers, or not? No, wait, that would be me....
Take that part out! Mother!

[Michael is shaking his head.]

OK, why would you like to jump out of an airplane, other than seeing the look on my face? use your words.
Because I'm fearless! I AM!

Did you do anything fun today? I mean, other than CVS?
I made my poor omelet. That was kind of fun. It didn't taste right.

OK, well, we'll have another omelet-making lesson tomorrow. What would you like to eat for breakfast tomorrow, if you could have anything in the world?
Donuts and coffee.

So, you want to be a policeman when you grow up??
Not really. It does seem fun, but...

What are you thinking about doing?
Living.

Duh. try again.
Be a comedian!

You're already a comedian, son. Why do you want to do that? Because, like, that won't get you a college scholarship. Let's think scholarship...
Why'd you put everything about the scholarship? I'm not there yet.

Just joking. I am a comedian. The apple never falls far from the tree.
Just keep on going.

Why do you want to be a comedian?
It'll be nice to see my mom wearing diapers a few years later, and laughing.

Mike: Any more, or are you out of ideas?!

Anything else you'd like to tell America?? Your philosophy of life?
Go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, that's the life. Just the simple stuff.

Great. I won't worry about what to get you for your birthday?!! :-)

Do you love your mama, boy?
Oh, sure, M'am!

Mike chose this shot himself. I like it too... He looks like a hippie!!

Mike walks away, shaking his head in disgust. "This is really fun! Hope we can do it again sometime. not."

A Hot Time in Atlanta

There is so little to report it's embarrassing. I am just hanging out, trying not to sweat to death. It's 92 here. Ah, summer, the only time I don't like living in Atlanta.

I have fielded about 100 emails today, some of them with possibilities of work. Very exciting.

Also, my campaign to implore all my friends to help me market my book, is working. I am basically available to talk about adoption anywhere, anytime you will let me sell a few books.  Planning a bar mitzvah? A ladies' tea party? A baby shower? Bachelor party? Dog's 5th birthday? The opening of an envelope? I am so there.

One aquaintance called and asked if I would babysit her dogs. Uh, no. I've been laid off for two days, not two months.

I took Alesia to therapy. It's part 50-something in my quest to help her become more tolerable. She's 17. There are issues. Not huge or really unusual issues, actually. She's a teenager.

The most exciting thing I did this afternoon was to pick up Mother's prescription at CVS. I refused to buy Mike a wrestling magazine. Drama always happens when we go to CVS.

My friend Judy asked me for my mother's wonderful meatloaf recipe, and I figured it out. First, don't use turkey. If beef freaks you out, don't fix this. There are ridiculously low fat beefs out there, so if you use those, add in some olive oil or something.

Elva’s Meatloaf or Meatballs

 

1 lb. Ground beef

1 egg

2 tblsp. Baking powder [correction: Elva said it's more like 1 teaspoon. oops...]

¼ cup soy sauce

¼ cup ketchup

1 piece of bread

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon Lawrey’s seasoning salt

Black pepper and salt [to taste]

 

Put the ground beef in a bowl, and add the egg, and the baking powder. Soak the piece of bread in water. Add the soy sauce and ketchup, and all other ingredients. Wash your hands thoroughly. Really, use soap. Mush up the meat with your hands. Yes it looks gross. Get over it. It should be very mushy, very watery – barely holding together. Don’t put it in a loaf pan.  Get a 9x13 pan or other oven-safe dish and shape it into a rectangular shape. You can add ketchup or tomato paste on the top, or a couple of pieces of bacon are good. Put a little water in the bottom of the pan if you use metal. Meat should be no more than 2 inches high. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or so, uncovered.

 

Meatballs: instead of doing meatloaf, form the meat into egg-shaped balls and fry them in hot oil. The meat should be so moist it just barely holds together – add water as needed to achieve that. When both sides are done, cut it way down, and add beef broth, some red wine, and soy sauce, and cook it on low, steaming the meatballs, for about 15 minutes.

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ADDENDUM

 

I made this for dinner, but I used chicken filets instead of wings. I didn’t grate orange peel. I don’t eat “zest.” Yuck. I also don’t like sesame oil, so I used olive oil. I put all the ingredients in a pan and mixed them up, then threw in the filets and just cooked them about ten minutes. The chicken was wonderful.

Szechuan Chicken Wings Recipe

Chicken wings - 12 to 15
Dry chili flakes - 1 to 2 teaspoons
Orange - 1
Ginger - 5 slices
Minced garlic - 1 teaspoon
Green onion - 2 (chopped)
Honey - 1 to 2 teaspoons
Light soy sauce - 1/4 cup
Sesame oil - 2 to 3 tablespoons
Corn starch - 2 teaspoons

• Grate about 2 teaspoons of orange peel, and juice the orange to make about 1/3 cup of orange juice.
• Mix the orange peel, juice, ginger, garlic, green onion, soy sauce, sesame oil, honey, and red chili flakes. Mix well, and then evenly coat the chicken wings.
• Let it stand for 30 to 45 minutes The longer the better - over night if you wish.
• In a large frying pan, add 3 tablespoon of oil, and turn heat on medium-high. Add in the chicken wings and reserve the sauce. Fry one side of the chicken wing for 7 to 10 minutes. Flip and fry the other side of the chicken wing.
• Cook until the chicken wings are browned.
• Take the chicken sauce and boil in a small pot. Add the corn starch to thicken. Serve this with the chicken wings.

 

You Want Fries With That?

I told Michael this morning that the good thing about not working right now is that I get to spend more time with him and Alesia. He grinned. [I was able to take him to his tennis lesson and pick him up this morning. I made him an omelet for breakfast. He loves it.]

He said "But couldn't you go work at McDonald's? Wouldn't that be a good job?"

I tried not to chuckle. "Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with working at McDonald's. There are just two problems I would have. The work in a place like that is very physically tiring. I am not in good shape right now. Second, it doesn't pay that much."

"How much does it pay?" he asked.

"Well, I actually don't know what minimum wage is right now, but something like five or six dollars an hour," I replied.

"That sounds like a lot."

"Well, not when you have a family, sweetie."

I sat down and showed him how much it costs to run this house, our monthly expenses. It's about 4 times what he could make at McDonald's. I think it's valuable to show a child the actual math. I kept it simple - I didn't try to tell him about deductions for insurance, FICA, etc. I didn't even include home insurance, since we don't pay that monthly. I just wanted him to see the numbers.

In the end, I was able to say to him something along these lines: "Michael, I'm not telling you this because I think money is the most important thing in the world. It's not. I just want you to have a decent life. If you don't get a good education, you won't be able to get a good job." I plan to remind him of that next time he balks at doing schoolwork.

I went on to say, and I'm paraphrasing Josh Shipp here, "You should do something you love so much, that you would do it even if you didn't get paid. Then, do it so well, people will want to pay you for it."

We talked a bit about what Mike loves, which includes sports and art. He also is very interested in food and cooking, although I'm not sure if he realizes that could be a career for him. (Perhaps not, given his lack of a hand - I'm just thinking about the fact it takes him longer to do things in a kitchen.)

I hope he will remember that conversation. I think he will.

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I am looking for another job, a bit. I am posting resumes where possible and making inquiries. I am not doing as much as I probably could, at least in the paralegal field, because I am not sure if that's what I want to continue to do. I want to explore different things, while I can.

However, one thing is clear. I need to SELL BOOKS. If you know ANYONE who would be interested in my book, let me know. It's all about MARKETING, something which I know almost nothing about, but I am trying to teach myself.

Similarly, if you are located within a 3 hour drive of Atlanta, I have two thoughts for you. I am happy to give speeches. I like public speaking, weird as that may sound. I can come speak to your book club, garden club, church group, civic organization, etc. I can also come and do a book signing at a local store, or at churches, after the service. Similarly, if you have a blog, or know someone with a "mommy blog" or any other kind of blog that gets a decent number of readers, let me know. I will see if they'd be interested in letting me send them a review copy of the book.

If you know anyone in the media – newspapers, local radio, magazines, community newspapers or magazines, etc. I would be happy to do an interview. Put me in touch with your contact and we’ll go from there.

I am not in dire financial straits, but every little bit helps, even a $15 book.

The photo below illustrates why I need to keep bringing in those dollars. It's my new favorite photo.

The Butter Queen and Spinach King

Wow, a really bizarre day. I got laid off from my job. I am still in shock. I was told they are completely restructuring the legal department at Home Depot. I was the only one laid off from my group, however. My case load has been down. I was not particularly surprised. 

Several of my close friends have been laid off recently, so I am in good company.

 

When I got home, I was checking emails and ran across this quote, that I really like:

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress."  - Frederick Douglass

 

True words, Mr. D.

 

I came home and told the kids. They took it well. I reassured them I have a severance package, and then I can apply for unemployment. We won't starve or be homeless. We are OK. They didn't freak out, which relieved me.

 

Alesia apologized for her behavior last night. Mother said she apologized to her, also. She is growing up. We didn’t coerce the apologies. She was sincerely remorseful.

 

I took the kids to see the film   Angels and Demons. Good movie. I had to explain a lot of unfamiliar stuff, like how the Catholic church chooses a pope, and they learned some new vocabulary. I had read the book and liked it. A lot of things from the book were changed, though, at the end. Alesia guessed the bad guy correctly and I told her she was wrong. She got it right, though. She is very smart.

 

Michael said he only agreed to see it because of the title – he thought Angels and Demons meant it would be a supernatural movie or a horror movie.

 

I enjoyed hearing Italian spoken. I still remember enough of it to understand a lot of what was said without subtitles, which was fun.

 

Lesleigh came over late this afternoon and we had a good visit. She stayed for dinner. I fixed spinach soufflé, fried chicken, and Sister Schubert rolls, which are wonderful. We were laughing about the fact that Alesia loves butter and slathers it on everything. Michael loves Stouffer’s spinach soufflé. Les and I decided they are The Butter Queen and The Spinach King. We thought that was very funny. The kids just looked at us like, y’all are so weird…

 

 

I am not sitting around weeping about the job situation. I have had a feeling all day that this is going to be a good transition. I haven’t cried. I turned it over to God and told him to show me what I am supposed to be doing now. I just got through proofreading my book not long ago, and THAT 18 month period before I got Alesia home was a terribly stressful time in my life. This is not so bad, in comparison. I have my kids, I am reasonably healthy, and something will work out.

 

[But, just in case you’re in the Atlanta area, any openings where you work? All my experience is as a paralegal but I would love to learn something else, particularly if I could use my writing skills…]

**********************************************************

Mother sent me the funniest email I had read in a long time. It made me laugh out loud:

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind measked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn'thave a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although Iprobably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again... (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!  WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.


Handle every stressful situation like a dog..
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just pee on it and walk away

[HAHAHAHAHA - If you don't laugh, you'll cry. Laughing is better...]