Nothing of any particular interesting happened today. We were all trying to get back in the normal routine after the long weekend.
I was thinking since it's like a Monday, I ought to do something to give y'all a chuckle. Of course you'll probably read this on Wednesday, but whatever.
I got one of those funny emails some years ago that said something like "how to tell if you're a southerner" and I thought it was poorly written and not really amusing. So I re-wrote it. The result is below. I hope nobody takes offense, as it was simply meant as good-natured fun.
How
to Tell If You’re Really Southern, or Just a Transplant
I had a friend
recently who told me he considered himself southern, because he grew up in Texas. I was skeptical of this because of the complete lack of any accent, so I asked him where his parents were from. “Ohio, “ he answered. I said he was not southern.
He disagreed.
A polite argument ensued.
I get fairly irritated when I read some of those “How to tell if you’re in the
south/ how to tell if you're a southerner” funnies. They are usually the sort
of things you’d see on a mug or plaque at Stuckey’s. Note: If you’ve never been
to a Stuckey’s you’re probably NOT southern.
So here’s the REAL test, as to whether or not you are southern. If you can
answer “yes” to at least two thirds of these, you are probably southern.
You are a southerner IF:
You use any of the following words or phrases in normal speech without
thinking about it:
Y’all
Mama [if you’re an adult]
bless your heart
good Lord
I reckon
Co’ Cola
where’bouts
po’ white trash
hissy fit
You pronounce the word “hair” as either
“hay-ur” or “har”
You can stretch the word “no” out to at
least three syllables, depending on the occasion
You hear someone has died, and
immediately start deciding what food to carry over to the family. Note: if you’re really southern, like my
mother, you keep things like
homemade soups and chili in the freezer for funeral food emergencies.
You volunteer to stay at the house
during a funeral.
Your mama or daddy ever told you any of
the following:
"That's not fit to eat."
"I'm feeling down in the
back."
"No, we will NOT _________. Only
yankees do that."
"He's on his third wife."
"You better get down off your high
horse."
"Give me some sugar, baby."
"Pipe down."
"Go cut me a switch."
"You better hush crying or I'm
gonna give you something to cry about."
"They're just sorry." [as in
low class, trashy]
"He/she is a fine person."
You know the location of at least three Waffle Houses, and eat there
occasionally. And you admit it.
You have ever made fried chicken
according to your grandmother’s recipe
You think crunchy green beans are an
abomination
You’ve ever described a vegetable as
“pretty” – as in, “Ooh, Mama found her some pretty squash at that roadside
stand yesterday
You think eating a peach without
peeling it is barbaric
You've ever eaten fried grits
You know grits aren't fit to eat unless
they have some butter, salt and pepper on them
You know more than one recipe for
cornbread
You know not to put sugar in cornbread
You've eaten fatback. Extra points if
you love it.
You’ve ever visited a Civil War battlefield
Note: extra points if you know of at least one great great
great grandparent who fought in the war – for the south, of course.
You know a cheer or fight song of at
least one southern university
You’ve ever planned a wedding date or
vacation around the college football schedule
You shudder when you hear the fake southern accents in movies like Fried Green
Tomatoes, Steel Magnolias, or any other movie supposedly set in the south.
In your own family you’re called
affectionately “Brother” or “Sister.”
You or someone in your family is a
member of the Junior League Note: extra points if y'all belong to the DAR or
Colonial Dames
[Deduct points if you belong to the
ACLU]
You know the title of at least one
Conway Twitty song
You can sing at least one verse of "Just A Closer Walk With Thee"
You are startled when you hear that
there are Americans who have to wear
sweater outside on the 4th of July
You think William Faulkner was a drunk
who didn’t use punctuation. You wonder why the Yankees love him. (He makes all
southerners sound like drunks or crazies, which is why I can’t stand him. I
once went through an entire Faulker novel and added in punctuation and did some
editing. My English professor nearly killed me.)
You call older ladies “Miss,” as in
“Miss Buelah,” or “Miss Mamie”
At least one person in your family is
or was named Fannie Mae
You know the maiden names of your not
only your grandmothers, but your great grandmothers
You’ve been to Europe but you’ve never
been to California
You think of Canadians as “foreigners.”
You have a hard time understanding them when they talk to you
When you call someone in New York City
your southern accent immediately becomes slower and more of a drawl, just to
irritate them. You enjoy this immensely.
You refer to your ancestors and
extended family as “my people” - as in, “My people came over from Ireland
before the war of independence.”
The Baptist Church in your hometown is
bigger than any other church in town.
Note: extra points if you've ever given directions using it, as in “Go a mile
and turn right at the church,” even if you don’t attend.
You always write a Thank You note when
someone gives you a gift, and you make your children write them too
You know that anyone from Maryland is, sadly, just NOT a southerner. Most people
from Florida aren’t either.
You can, on paper at least, prove kinship to any of the following:
Andy Griffith, Sissy Spacek, Johnny Cash, Holly Hunter, Strom Thurmond,
Thomas Jefferson
You take a lot of photos when it snows,
because you know it may be a decade before you see it in your yard again
You’re usually able to go outside
without a coat on Christmas Day, and at least half the time you could wear
shorts
You shop at WalMart on occasion, but
you only tell your closest friends
You’ve ever referred to any sort of
underwear as “drawers”
You call your grandparents Mamaw and
Papaw, or variations thereof. Ditto
for Big Mama, or Big Daddy.
Are you a southerner? If so, good for you! If not, you can live here amongst
us, and hope it rubs off on you... Just
don't serve me any crunchy green beans or sweet cornbread. That's grounds for expulsion.
As in, “Hightail it outta here, and don’t let the screendoor hit you where the
Good Lord split you.”
Dee Thompson
