It's another slow news day here in Hot-Lanta. I had to deal with insurance issues and phone reapir issues before work, then work was frustrating because I couldn't reach a human being at the DeKalb County courthouse. I had to forego picking up Mike from school and get my glasses lenses changed out for the correct ones that turn into dark glasses in the sunlight. They were supposed to put those in two weeks ago but didn't.
I came home and had to deal with trying to get the kids organized and packed to go camping tomorrow. Lesleigh was here helping Alesia put blonde highlights in her hair. Michael had a behavior meltdown because he ate too much sugar and was mad at me for not having time to help him with homework. I had to make dinner, clean up, try and get Michael back on track, etc. I am exhausted.
Here's a funny - an oldie but a goodie -
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk the horn you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so
I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your pants securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind [like a condom] can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a coat zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which
feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a gun, a shovel, and a big yard behind the house. Do not mess
with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is
no need for you to come inside. The face at the window is mine.
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