It was Monday, all day, and there's not much to report. So I thought I'd share some Dilbert funnies.
I had my own Dilbert moment a few years ago. I had quit a very "silk stocking" law firm in midtown Atlanta to work for a corporation. One day I got a call from a secretary for one of the attorneys who put me through to a very harrassed-sounding young attorney. She [a very bright woman but totally lacking social graces] didn't say hi, how are you, nothing. I hadn't seen her in 6 months and she just blurted out: "Do you know what happened to the Smith file after you left?!" I thought it was a joke, and I waited for the punch line. "No?" I finally said. She repeated the question, a note of hysteria in her voice. "Um, no, I am not psychic Michelle. I have no idea what could have happened to a file after I left!"
Michelle graduated in the top 5% of her law school class. No common sense whatsoever.
While at that corporate job, I was once told in an official yearly review that I sneezed too loud. The department head had heard me and sent word no more audible sneezing was allowed from my cubicle. Dust makes me sneeze, and every morning at that place I had to sneeze. So I kept a small towel on my desk and when I had to sneeze I grabbed it and sneezed into it.
The department head who sent word I couldn't sneeze later invited me to a party at her house and tried playing matchmaker with me and an old friend of hers. Within 1 minute of meeting him I knew he was gay. When I told her he was gay she didn't believe me. She kept trying to tell me I was wrong. I went over to the guy, apologized, and explained that he needed to tell his dear old friend he was gay, so she would leave me alone about dating him.
Corporate America is filled with nutjobs.
Having recently left the corporate world and its' irritating doublespeak, I found these very funny:
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America :
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
