I saw a post on one of my Yahoo groups the other day and it affected me greatly, because Michael deals with some degree of self-consciousness about his limb difference every time he goes outside our home. I seldom think about it, but he is reminded of his difference all the time.
The Yahoo group is for adoptive parents of children with limb differences. I asked the post's author, Jim DeWees, for permission to excerpt here what he said, and he kindly agreed. Jim is a single dad, and lost part of his leg to frostbite a few years ago. He has a son with the same limb difference as Michael. So Jim can totally understand how it feels to have to encounter stares and comments about being a person with a limb difference, and he has a great way of dealing with the attention.
"I adopted a son from China a little over 2 years ago. He is missing his right hand at his wrist joint, and has little fingers there on the ball of flesh where his hand should be.
He is turning 8 on Saturday, and it aware of his "difference" and deals with it really well. He went through a period where he really tried to hide it when we were in public, and at times will still do that if he notices kids looking at it, or staring at his little hand.
Many times we have been in places like the Children's Museum, or in a line at Disneyworld, or any public place, and children have asked questions like "What happened to his hand?" or "Where's his hand" or things like that. At first, the natural response would be to snap back at them and make them feel bad or hurt, but that doesn't really fix the situation.
I also have a prosthetic leg, and have had it for about 12 years now (after an accident in 1998), and so I can relate to Cameron's situation and have an advantage here, because I can always divert the kid's attention from Cameron to my own prosthetic leg. My leg isn't cosmetic at all, no skin or cover on it. I make prosthetics for a living and so am basically surrounded by amputees every day, all day, and it is just a "way of life" now. I have many different legs, and the one I wear the most is orange. The next favorite one is yellow, then I also have one with Mickey Mouse on it when we go to Disneyworld or Disneyland. I also have a black running leg, swimming leg, a red one, blue one, etc....
So I ask the curious child, or adult at times, if they have ever seen a prosthetic leg or anyone that wears a leg....and they generally say something like "On TV" or something. Or some will say that there is a kid at school with something, or a cousin has some issue of some sort, and start a small conversation with them.
Also, another BIG help is I will ask the child if they have seen Finding Nemo, and remember how he had his lucky little fin??? Well, this is Cameron's lucky little hand, and that makes him special, but it doesn't slow him down or anything.... .
The children always say, Oh Yeah, I remember, and then will say "Cool, that's really cool". And, then Cameron is like a proud little kid again, and goes away from this thinking that he is really special and that it's all ok.
Nobody ends up with hurt feelings, or feeling like a special moment or time was ruined by someone who was curious, or even rude.
In all honesty, in the past 12 years with me dealing with wearing a prosthesis, and having been all over the world (literally), I have had SO MANY situations where people are curious about my leg, and some will ask, some will just stare....some are polite and decent about it, and others are just not "socially gifted" with knowing what to say or being polite....although I have never come across anyone that has intentionally tried to be rude or insulting.
I have taken the time, many times, to gently educate a curious child about this, and turn it into a positive, teaching moment. And that has really been a great way to help this society get over some of the social hang-ups and issues.
I am NOT saying that what anyone has expressed here are "wrong" or "bad". I can totally understand this. There have been times when I have been kind of cranky or in a rush, or upset by something, and the last thing I needed was some kid making some comment, and then hear the parent say something like, "Don't look at that, or don't talk to him, or don't point", and it is usually the parent that is the one to blame for these situations. They should know better, but they are the ones with the problem..... and so I understand at that point of wanting to make some smart-a.... comment back to them, but I have refrained. The ONLY time I can remember making a comment to anyone was when I was in China, and they called Cameron a "Damaged Child" and asked why I would come all the way to China, and pay so much money for a damaged child.....and so I asked this woman (who was of the upper class of society there, and spoke perfect English) is she thought I was also Damamged and worthless... and she said, Yes, and she wondered how I could provide for myself and a child....
Boy, I came unglued with her, and told her that I live in a house that is bigger than she could ever possibly own in China, and that I make more money in a year than what most people in China make in their lifetime, and that Cameron's future is totally wide open, and there are NO limitations in MY country for him, people won't even care or notice anything about his hand, and the sky is the limit for him in the USA....SO, I was adopting him to get him out of the awful, cruel society of China, and taking him to a wonderful place to live. She was kind of shocked, and taken back by my remarks. I also went on to say that the reason I am adopting him is because he is probably smarter than she is, and also he has a much bigger heart in him that she did, and I can't stand the thought of this child being thrown away as garbage in their country. In fact, he is the LUCKY one on that train, because he was born with an issue, and abandoned, and that is his ticket to get out of that country.
Well, I don't HATE China by any means. And I don't hate their culture or society..... BUT, I do not like most of the attitude of these foreign countries who still have labels and reject anyone that has a difference like this.
But, we need to remember that it wasn't too long ago in the USA when anyone with a difference was basically put in a place out of sight and in an institution. They used to have "Homes for Crippled Children", for any child that needed braces for his/her legs, or who was missing limbs, or had spinabifda, etc. It has been in the last 50 years where the USA has become more tolerant or accepting of people with differences.
OK, enough said I think. But, I encourage you to all take the time to help educate the people that have questions and all. It is going to take another generation for people to understand about prosthetics and missing limbs, and the children today can grow up realizing that using a prosthetic limb doesn't mean that the person is less than equal or anything.
Take the time to use the Nemo comment, and that this is his lucky leg or lucky arm/hand... that usually breaks the ice and makes the conversation and situation turn to a positive situation.
If I got offended or upset everytime someone looked at Cameron or me, and made a comment or asked.....I would be upset most of my life, and EVERY outing we have had would have been a bad experience.. ..
So, I try to make everything more positive.
I really hope this helps and doesn't offend anyone.
Thanks and good luck."
Jim DeWees
[FINAL NOTE: If you are on Facebook, friend me and I will send you an invitation to join the group on there for parents of children with limb differences, if that's your situation too.]
