The Crab Chronicles

I HATE Political Correctness!!

We've had a nice day, but a busy one. Here are the highlights: Alesia had her first day of driving school classes, and was gone all day, after I took her this morning. I spent half an hour in line at the post office mailing off a book to a reader in Ireland. Mother and Mike and I went to Kroger. I did laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the rug. I did more laundry. I fed the dog. I baked a cake which I split into 3 loaf pans for gifts. I fed Coco again. I picked up Alesia. Checked email. Heated up dinner.

Exhausting, huh?! Maybe it doesn't sound like it, but it was a tiring day. Dinner was simply leftover soup from the other night. Tomorrow I have to really clean house because Bruce comes on Wed. for the holiday weekend. Our vacuum quit working the other day so I am praying we will get it back by Wed. Otherwise I plan to wrap duct tape around my feet, sticky side out, and walk all over the carpet...

I have seen this funny holiday email a bunch of times, but the version I got today was more elaborate, and to me more funny, than past versions. It illustrates one of my pet peeves, political correctness. I HATE it! Case in point: I tell people Merry Christmas, every chance I get. Now, if you're Jewish and I know that, I might say Happy Chanukah or Happy Holidays, but most people I know celebrate Christmas and I say it. If a Jewish person tells me Happy Chanukah, I tell them that back! It doesn't offend me. Ditto for Happy Kwanzaa; I'd say it back. I had a falling out with a friend a few years ago because of this exact, silly thing.

So here's what I consider one of the funniest things ever.

Thank you for the humorous email, Cousin Doug!!

A series of emails from the office party planner.

 

From: Bud G]
Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 7:33 PM
To:
Subject: The Office Christmas Party

 FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar
and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00
PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
Easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though
unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it
our “Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


--------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign
your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign
on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
PATTY

--------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea
that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which
forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the
Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party or else package everything for you to take it home in little
foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their
own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the
gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross
dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed,
apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.
Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control
the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that
people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as
dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar"
desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

--------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!

We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it
or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing
salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my
*ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
PATTY


--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Happy Holidays
Joan

Soon, Christmas

It's been a good day, but seems like it was too full for a Sunday.

The kids wanted to do some Christmas shopping for their friends, so I took them to Target. They voted for Walmart but I can tolerate Target easier. I found something for my brother which I will give him, a veggie chopper. He won't want it. He will re-gift it to me either this year or next year. He is the king of re-gifters. It's sort of a running joke between us now.

Our little vegetable stand still has produce from Florida, but they are fixing to close for the winter. The guy sold me a huge bunch of jalapeno peppers for $2! I also got some tomatoes. It occurred to me I need to make some homemade salsa. Our favorite, Paces picante sauce, is mostly just chopped tomatoes, jalapenos, and onions. I can do that.

We had lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Mike got to watch a soccer match on plasma TV, while eating everything in sight. He has gotten where he loves guacamole, and Mother orders extra for him. He gobbles it down. This place makes fresh guacamole and Mother says it's the best. 

I got Alesia to touch up the roots of my now auburn hair while Mother had a nap. She was very thorough. I cannot do it as well myself, and I can't afford a salon. I got a lot of hair chopped off the other day, but I was looking pretty trashy with black roots. Alesia did a good job, and didn't complain about the smell of the coloring solution.

I reminded both kids today when we were in the car that Christmas day is this Friday. They got all excited. Wish I could remember how it feels to be that excited. It was a sweet interlude.

Then I hear this, from Mike: "Euw, look at that OLD GUY running! Yuck! Look at how his butt SAGS!" - then from Alesia" "Look how his saggy butt BOUNCES! EEEEUW!"  I glanced at the guy before the car went past him. he looked pretty fit to me. The kids thought he was gross.

So much for the Hallmark moment...

Avatar

The day has been out of the ordinary, in a lot of different ways. At least it wasn't raining, though. Cold, yes. Rainy, no. I wore a long sleeved shirt, but felt no need to wear a coat. I hate wearing a coat.

I was absolutely delighted to get an email from my friend Suzanne Kamata, who edited Call Me Okaasan, to say the book ws named one of The Japan Times's favorite books of 2009!!  Here's the link. I feel so honored my little essay was part of the book.

I took Mike and a couple of his friends to see the movie Avatar, the new film from director James Cameron. I was impressed by the special effects. The 3-D experience was quite something. However, there were a lot of political overtones to the film which made me uncomfortable. There is nothing overt, mind you. However, showing military guys painted as arch villains made me really uncomfortable, seeing as how my brother just got back from Iraq 6 months ago. I have a lot of respect for the military, especially for the sacrifices military families make.

I remember when Star Wars came out in 1977, and how it was hailed as something totally new and exciting. Ditto for Tron in 1981. Avatar breaks new ground in CGI entertainment, no question of that. It's fun to watch. I predict in 10 years it will be largely viewed as a film oddity, though, a relic, with primitive technology. I've lived long enough to see technology advance exponentially.

When we came home, there was a terrific pot of hot soup waiting on the stove. The boys ate some soup and played games upstairs all evening. Lesleigh came over and ate, too, and she and Mother and I watched Julie and Julia, a fun film about real people.  

Mike and I started a new book, Battle of the Labyrinth, by Rick Riordan. It's more fantasy than the Harry Potter books, but so far it's pretty interesting. I don't want Mike to lose the love of reading..

Less than a week until Christmas... 

Stormy Weather

We have had a horrible day outside - blowing rain all day, and temps in the 30's. Talk about nasty. I didn't want to go outside all day. I took Mike to school and picked him up but that was all I was willing to do.

Today was the last day of school until early January. I need to look up the exact date they go back. Alesia said she made a very high grade on her social studies and Spanish exams. Mike said he thinks he did well on both his exams, too. I would like them to make A's and B's, and I am hopeful.

I finally got details nailed down for my annual Russian Christmas Celebration, on January 9th this year. Before Alesia even came home I founded a parents' support group for kids adopted from Russia and Eastern Europe, since there is no local FRUA chapter here in Atlanta. The group is called MAPREC [Metro Atlanta Parents of Russian and Eastern European Children]. My group usually meets in the summer for a pool party or picnic, and in January for a Russian Christmas potluck. I have made some good friends through the group. We all share a common experience of going through the rigors of an international adoption. I always feel an instant rapport with other parents, regardless of the age of child adopted.

If you are in the Atlanta area and would like to come to our potluck dinner, just email me and I will be happy to send details. The church is in Dunwoody. We usually just share food and fellowship while the kids play.

I made some chocolate chip cookie batter this afternoon, from a recipe on the Land o'Lakes butter box. I use real butter. I hate imitation butter and it's unhealthy anyway. If I can't eat real butter I don't want any butter. Since I have normal cholesterol, it's not an issue, thank goodness. Anyway, the batter was like stirring cement. The cookies were good, though.

Alesia made brownies yesterday and took them to school, where she was instantly even more popular, of course. Elva's homemade brownies are heavenly.

Alesia's boyfriend didn't tell her until after 6 tonight that he would be picking her up at 7:30. I told her she needs to get him trained better. He also returned her at 11:05 and her curfew is 11. I told her one more time coming in late and she would be grounded for a week.Hopefully that will get her attention.

 
I love this of Alesia sticking her tongue out, from 2 years ago...

Missing Harry, Changing Lives

Mike and I read together every one of the Harry Potter books over the last 6 months. We enjoyed them so much.

We finished Deathly Hallows book the other day and we were both sad. They are such great books. We felt eager to start each new book, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione were like dear friends, not just characters in a book.

 We tried to read another writer last night, and it was a disaster - something about homicidal pixies and gnomes, just bizarre. After about 10 minutes we abandoned that book. Mike was whining about never wanting to read again, so I grabbed The DaVinci Code and we started that. At least it's a good story and it moves quickly. He liked the movies from the books, though he doesn't recall the DaVinci Code movie. So we will see. He is so smart, it takes a great book to hold his attention. I read to him but he follows along and if I miss a word he points it out.

Since we started reading together, his reading comprehension has improved dramatically.

Tonight, we didn’t read anything because I was helping Michael study for his final exam in science. It seems ridiculous to me that kids in middle school are expected to take final exams. I never faced that until high school.

Alesia had two finals to study for also. One good thing about it was that I taught Alesia years ago to write down facts on 3x5 index cards and use those as review flashcards. So for instance, on one card it says on one side Who wrote the Declaration of Independence? And on the back it says Thomas Jefferson. Alesia has very good short term memory. She whizzed through her history cards. Michael saw she is a good student and I know he respected that.

 

Before I forget, please look at Adoption Under One Roof, a terrific site for anyone in the adoption triad. They are giving away a great book, Pieces of the Pearl, by Teresa Winton. It's about a child who triumphs after a rough time in foster care. We need books like this.

  

Although I am a passionate advocate for adoption, I also believe it’s important for us to help children where they are, whether in an orphanage or after graduation from it, like The Antares Foundation helps them, or in their families of birth.

For about 6 months I have been sponsoring a little girl in Peru named Ana, thru a beautiful organization called Compassion International. Ana lives in a family and has 3 siblings, and my sponsorship allows her to have better life. Specifically, the monthly amount covers  

·   Food and clean water

·   Medical care 

·   Educational opportunities 

·   Important life-skills training 

·   Most important of all, your sponsored child will hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God. 

I also send money twice a year that helps the entire family.

You may think the last item on that list is not important. I would disagree. I think hearing the word of God is as important as food and water. Fostering true faith is the greatest gift. Faith accomplishes miracles.

Please prayerfully consider sponsoring a child through Compassion. They are folks of great integrity, and you can transform a child’s life dramatically.

Christmas Rituals

Christmas is a time for cherished rituals, and some of them are humorous. Teaching Michael the words to "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" ranks right up there with sneaking and eating the Christmas candy in the living room, piece by piece, until there's none left by Christmas.

We got our Harry & David pears today - how exciting. Every year, a wealthy friend of Mother's sends a box of those pears, and every year I chuckle because she sends the culls, the rejected pears. There's a note explaining this in the box. Usually they are just as good as the top of the line pears, just a bit funky looking. Last year they tasted off. The irony is, the woman has TONS of money, but she always sends the cheap fruit. I'd rather just have a card. However, we did use last year's pears for compost.

For the third year, we got a Christmas letter from a family friend who always makes it a point to tell us all the BAD things that happened during the year, and says pointedly that people who are not saved are in dire straits and all they can look forward to in the New Year is dodging the fiery flames of hell. I just love that happy little note.

Our newest ritual is that Michael demands to know every single present for him under the tree. Even though I hate telling him, he somehow wheedles it out of me. However, I like to get one big one that's a total surprise and wrap it up and refuse to tell him what it is. Drives him nuts.

I spent half the morning at the Georgia Department of Labor. I was looking forward to it about as much as a root canal. However, it wasn't too bad. It was far better than the DMV. The people who worked there were unfailingly nice. People watching in there is interesting. One guy had a big bag of 12 rolls of paper towels he was hauling everywhere. One guy sat there waiting and working on a laptop the whole time. One young man had pants that were totally fallen off his behind, and the only thing shielding his undies from view was a long shirttail. He could barely walk, his pants were so low. One lady who sat near me had a face that was dead white and she looked stoned, although she was dressed and groomed very nicely.

Here's one of my favorite humorous emails, and I am sharing it with y'all as a little lagniappe...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories... There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk, pennies saved, etc. Ernie was last.

 'Ernie, do you have a story with a moral to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Becky. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.   She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

 'Stay the hell away from Aunt Becky when she's been drinking.'

Pound Cake Correction

The other day I published a recipe for the most delectable pound cake ever. It occurred to me I should try making it before I publish it, so I did. It was HEAVENLY!! Makes a wonderful holiday cake! A couple of things need correcting, see [bracketed comments] 

SYNOVIA'S POUND CAKE

2 STICKS BUTTER [I used half butter, half Crisco; Mamaw used Crisco, it makes a moister cake]

3 CUPS SUGAR

-- CREAM UNTIL FLUFFY

 

ADD 5 LARGE EGGS, ONE AT A TIME, BEATING SLIGHTLY AFTER EACH

 

3 CUPS SWANSDOWN CAKE FLOUR [probably could use any flour, but sift non-cake flour]

8 OZ SOUR CREAM [STIR IN 1/4 TSP BAKING SODA]

 

ALTERNATE FLOUR AND SOUR CREAM, BEGINNING AND ENDING WITH FLOUR [not cream].

 

ADD 1 OR 2  TSP VANILLA OR MIX WITH ALMOND [I used 1 tsp. almond, 1 tsp. vanilla]**

 

GREASE AND FLOUR PAN.    350 DEGREES  1 1/2 HRS  [90 MINS] [In our oven it was more like one hour and 5 minutes was the right time]

 

 

**  never use fake almond or vanilla, always buy the real stuff! Totally different taste!

 

I Love Dave Matthews, Seriously...

Most of the time I forget that Alesia has a learning disability called a Central Auditory Processing Disorder [CAPD] but this morning it was brought back to my attention in a maddening way.

Yesterday, Alesia asked if I could take her to school early, before the bus, which usually gets her there around 7:45. She had made a poor grade on her chemistry test and the teacher allowed her to re-take it before school. I asked her what time she needed to be at school - 7:15. "OK, so I will get up at 6:30 to be sure we leave at 7," I replied. It takes me a while to become coherent in the morning.

Just before bed I reiterated "You have to be there at 7:15, right? So we need to leave about 7?" and she said yes. "OK, make sure I'm awake at 6:30." Normally I sleep until 7.

At 6:25 this morning she was pounding on my door. "Are you UP?!" she called. I was annoyed. I had been in the middle of a great dream, in color, involving new friends of mine with the ability to walk on walls and turn somersaults off the ceiling. I hate the disruption of good REM sleep. "Ugh, yeah, I am up," I mumbled, getting out of bed.

I got up and dressed quickly, and went to her room, after carefully closing Mike's door. He is a sensitive sleeper and will wake up, unlike Alesia who could sleep through a wrecking ball hitting the house. He complained yesterday about how loud she was.

Alesia should've been downstairs eating breakfast at 6:50.

"Why are you not downstairs eating?" I asked her. She looked annoyed.

"I don't have to be at school until 7:30," was her reply.

"You told me last night you have to be there at 7:15!" I retorted, irritated.

"No! I said we need to leave at 7:15!" was her loud reply.

"No, I asked when we needed to leave and we agreed, 7:00. And lower your voice, Mike's asleep!"

Now she was shouting, "I TOLD YOU I NEED TO BE AT SCHOOL AT 7:30!!"

I hissed "Lower your VOICE! Michael needs his sleep!"

"I AM NOT TALKING LOUD!" she said, loud enough to wake the dead.

I went downstairs to make some tea. She came down a minute later.

"Alesia, you have to not be SO LOUD in the mornings! Your brother is trying to sleep!"

"I AM NOT LOUD!" she protested. "AND I TOLD YOU 7:30 IS WHEN I NEED TO BE AT SCHOOL! WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN!!"

"You are too loud!"

"I'm NOT!"

"YES, you ARE! You have to learn to be considerate of others! I am going to start punishing you if you don't learn to control yourself!"

"Just FORGET IT then, I won't go to school early!"

"Oh YES you WILL!" I said. [My words are in all caps because I was pissed off and hissing, not because I was a loud as Alesia.]

"You want to fail chemistry?!"

'I DON'T CARE!!"

Mother can hear her at the opposite end of the house. She gets very annoyed. Alesia has no idea how loud she is.

As if that weren't enough early morning fun, Michael said he will be wearing a hoodie to school every day, no matter how hot it is, even after he gets his new prosthetic. If hoodies are dirty he will wear 2 shirts. He will never cut his hair again. He will not do anything I tell him to do about his pimples. AAAARGH!

BOING - that was the sound of my last nerve snapping in two.

Prophetically, after I dropped off Mike at school this new Dave Matthews song came on the radio, which perfectly captured my mood. I now LOVE this song, "You and Me." Take a listen -

"When the kids are old enough, we're gonna teach them to fly!" he sings. Seriously?! I love you, Dave...

 

A Foggy Day...

I felt like I was living in England all day - fog was everywhere. Cold, damp, and fog - reminded me more of Halloween than Christmas, but that's Hot-Lanta for you..

Michael had to finish a Science project and that's the only productive thing I did all day, besides a quick run to Walgreens. I can now tell you that when you first wake up in the morning, your temperature is likely the lowest it will be all day. I guess it's because you've been in a resting state and have no food in your tummy. not sure on that. Michael is now an expert on taking his temperature, which is a good thing. I just can't show him Ferris Bueller's Day Off ever again..

He has run a teeny bit of fever the past two nights - 99. He is coughing a lot. I am pretty sure we need to go see Dr. George, but he is resisting it. I told him the rectal probes weren't being done during the holidays. The word "rectal" made him narrow his eyes, while his friend Colton chortled. We were coming home from the roller skating rink.

I sat at Skate Along USA for 2 hours with earplugs in, reading a new book. Aside from the bass vibrating in the seat and the fact it was cold in there, it was pleasant enough. Alesia couldn't find a buddy to come along but Mike had Colton. I took a photo but I cannot figure out how to get it from my phone into my computer. Heck, I couldn't even take the photo without Mike's help.

Roller skating is cheaper than going to the movies, and the kids get some exercise. It's too bad the rink is 20 minutes from the house.

I fixed beef stroganoff for dinner but it was not my best. That's a dish I want to perfect, some day, like the Philly beef sandwich. If I don't get a job soon we won't be eating a lot of beef, though...

I don't need it, but I swear I am going to make this cake one day soon. I have eaten it and it's heavenly. mother finally coaxed it out of Synovia, a family friend.

SYNOVIA'S POUND CAKE

2 STICKS BUTTER

3 CUPS SUGAR

CREAM TIL FLUFFY

 

ADD 5 LARGE EGGS, ONE AT A TIME, BEATING SLIGHTLY AFTER EACH

 

3 CUPS SWANSDOWN CAKE FLOUR

8 OZ SOUR CREAM [ STIR IN 1/4 TEASP BAKING SODA]

 

ALTERNATE FLOUR AND SOUR CREAM, BEGINNING AND ENDING WITH CREAM.

 

ADD 1 OR 2  TSP VANILLA OR MIX WITH ALMOND

 

GREASE AND FLOUR PAN.    350 DEGREES  1 1/2 HRS  [90 MINS]

Rainy Carol Day

It’s been a weird day. I didn't sleep well and I've had a sinus headache all day.

 

I keep trying not to think about being out of a job again, but I think about it constantly. Since my last job was part time, I don’t know if I qualify for unemployment, which is worrisome. Have to research it Monday.

 

Please pray I will find the right job soon.

 

The weather was clear but overcast this morning, and Mike and I ran to Publix to pick up supplies. Sleet and freezing rain was the prediction for the whole day, but it didn’t start until after 1. Publix was magical – people everywhere handing out free samples. I got almost enough for a mini lunch. Mike tried some spinach dip on pumpernickel and got quite enthusiastic, so we bought some. Anything to get a green veggie down him. As we left, the rain had started.

 

Alesia spent most of the afternoon and early evening with her boyfriend, going to a Christmas concert at their church, then out to dinner. She said the church is huge, and they had a full orchestra. I generally prefer a smaller church, but big churches tend to be more exciting at Christmas

 

Mike and I went to see a new movie with Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, based on a true story. The unfortunate title is Invictus. Excellent movie. I know almost nothing about South African politics and less about rugby, but it was really well done. Clint Eastwood directed. He makes terrific movies.

 

Mike has decided that his favorite Christmas song is Carol of the Bells. I used to love to sing that when I was in a choir. It’s a fun song, kind of gothic sounding. We found this video, which we both thought was very cool -