The Crab Chronicles

A Job Ad

OK, I have snapped. I have just lost my mind. After months of looking for work, I finally read an ad and thought, wow, a job I could do with my eyes closed, but I seriously doubt they will even consider me because I am not a MAN. Dadgummit.

Yep, you read that right. Not only that, the ad hinted that preference would be given to gay men who like dogs.

I have lost jobs [I am pretty sure] because I wasn't educated enough or I wasn't pretty enough. I have lost jobs or not been considered because I lacked experience. I think I have lost jobs because I sounded too southern, or because I am short. I have never faced such an uphill battle as this.

This is the actual ad I responded to: "Assistant needed in day to day operations of a busy household (no children) Gay men and yorkie enthusiasts encouraged to apply. Duties include errands, answering business calls, shopping (grocery and retail), coordinating travel, management of cleaning and maintaining schedule and travel of a young up and coming entrepreneur. Send resume, cover letter and salary requirements to the above email. "

Since I think I have about 5% chance of actually getting the job, seeing as how I am undeniably a Breasted American, I sent a resume and the following email:

"I am responding to your ad on Craigslist for an assistant. I was very intrigued by your ad because it's so rare to see any employment ad on Craigslist that hints at a sense of humor. I am adept at all the activities you describe, including running errands, shopping, and running a household. You would be very fortunate indeed to have me as an assistant, and you would recognize that within 5 minutes of meeting me.

I am not a gay man but I have several close friends who are gay men. Really. One of them has a Yorkie. I have a Yorkie-Poo named Coco and she is sweeter and more intelligent than many people I know.

I have assisted lawyers for many years, and lived to tell about it without being heavily medicated. I am accustomed to business calls, managing schedules and travel arrangements, and other business duties. I have prepared complex litigation cases for court. I have also picked up laundry, ordered lunch, and planned events. I doubt there is anything you would ask a personal assistant to do that I have not done at one time or another [barring illegal or immoral activities, of course].

I also am a writer and a single mom, which means I am expert at juggling many activities at one time. I am accustomed to working full time and managing a household that includes my elderly mother, Coco, an old house, two cars, two teenagers, and various friends and relatives who like to invade periodically. I don't require much sleep.

In addition to the regular office skills, I am very intelligent and witty. I know 3 languages in addition to English - French, Italian, and Russian. I can say "Where is the bathroom?" in 3 more languages.

If you are seeking out the type of energetic, highly-organized, intensely methodical and razor-sharp person I suspect, I can be that person, but not for anything less than $16/hour.

Dee Thompson

I wanted to add, I HOPE y'all have a sense of humor because I am tired of working for people who do NOT have one. I figured if they had read all the way to the bottom of the email, though, they probably did have a sense of humor.

WISH ME LUCK!!

A Lovely Spring Day

We've had a gorgeous day here today - sunny and in the 70's, with a light wind. I watered all my little flowers and veggie plantings this morning, praying everything will thrive. We aren't due for rain until next week, alas.

We went to Kroger and did our weekly shopping, came back and ate lunch. Michael's friend Colton was with us. He's a sweetie, no trouble at all. 

It's rather fun putting food in the new fridge - it holds a lot more than the old one, and actually makes ice! It comes out the door! Wow. The old fridge the ice thingy always jammed, and we got used to it.

Michael played doubles tennis today and lost. He wasn't even trying because he figured he would lose. He said the boys playing against them were really rude. They are from a very wealthy country club. Colton played a singles match and the child he played had mini-meltdowns many times when he lost a point, squatting down and beating his racquet on the ground. It was weird.

I just learned Michael can't play on the tennis team next year. He turns 14 this summer and will be too old. I dread telling him that.

Alesia ended up not being able to go to the prom, for a variety of reasons. I feel bad for her, but I told her next year is her senior year and she can go then.

We watched a dreadfully bad movie last night, Couples Retreat. Looked like a screwball comedy. Only maybe 4 laughs in the whole movie. Ick. Avoid it at all costs.

Tomorrow's plans are up in the air except Mike is supposed to go to the Braves game. I need to do some work in the yard. Looks like another pretty day...

Prom Dresses and Baseball Uniforms

Nothing like passing out - oops, I mean a good night's sleep - and a shower, and today I have felt almost human again, after yesterday's refrigerator ordeal. Good thing, since I had another job interview.

The new refrigerator is a thing of beauty. Nothing dark lurks in there. It's pristine. Thank God for Discover...

I hope I get the job. It sounds really interesting. I don't want to say more and jinx it. Not that I'm superstitious, well not that I will admit to anyway... I just pray a LOT. 

If I don't get the job I interviewed for today I hope I get the one I interviewed for Tuesday. I need a job. I'd prefer a fun job, but at this point I cannot be choosy. Anything short of working at Chick Fil-A sounds attractive right now.

Alesia has no date to prom but I told her she could go if one of her friends will go with her. She's on the phone trying to work that out now, since the prom is tomorrow night. I'd rather she go with a date but apparently all the boys at her school without dates are too dazzled and overwhelmed by her beauty and lack the guts to ask her to go. Their loss.

Here she is [without makeup - will get another of her with makeup, when possible!]

 

Michael had a baseball game last night, his second one. He struck out twice and was really bummed by that, but then hit a beautiful line drive. His team won 12-1. Here he is next to a poster of his great grandfather, Bob Hasty, who pitched for the Athletics, 1919-1924.

 

It Lurks In My Fridge - Be Afraid!

I am sitting here drinking orange Gatorade. If my kids saw this they would cross themselves and back out of the room slowly, knowing The End is near. I HATE Gatorade. I loathe it. 

My father used to refer to Gatorade as "horse piss." I feel the same although I try to avoid saying the word "piss" in front of the children.

The only reason we have Gatorade in our house is so Michael can drink it after playing tennis or baseball or doing one of the many things that make him sweat like a horse.

I am drinking Gatorade because for the past hour and a half I have been sweating like a horse. Not a delicate Southern ladylike "glisten." Nope, a full-body soaking sweatfest. I have shut myself away from humanity for a while to type this and drink Gatorade and try to recover.

We got a new refrigerator this morning.

The delivery guys were supposed to give me a thirty minute window so I could clean out the old fridge and get ready. They gave us a TEN MINUTE WINDOW!! I managed to get a load out to the old fridge in the garage before they came, then I was running around frantically, pulling stuff out of the fridge and throwing it in one of two coolers or just on the counter.

I started drinking Gatorades I found in the coolers because 1) I was sweating like a horse and my glasses were threatening to fall off, and 2) I have a weird condition and when I sweat all the potassium exits my body and I start getting leg cramps from hell. 

Not just regular leg cramps. Leg Cramps From Hell. 

Leg cramps that cause me to use profanity.

My mother, her father, my brother - we all have this potassium deficiency thing. I don't know what it's called. Our bodies don't retain potassium. It's kicked out when we pee or sweat, I suppose.

Yet another great reason to adopt - my kids don't have this potassium issue, nor my ginormous butt and fat thighs. Thank You God.

We keep bananas and Lay's potato chips on hand always, because in the midst of a terrible leg cramps those foods have the most potassium. Tonic water also helps. We lose sodium, too. That's why we never eat low salt anything. It's not worth the leg cramps. 

My mother has a hard time balancing everything because her legs tend to swell if she eats too much salt, but if she doesn't eat salt she gets leg cramps. I take a walkie talkie to my room every night because if she awakens at night with leg cramps she calls me and I rush downstairs and get her some tonic and some potato chips. I have only had to do it a few times, but it's scary for me and very painful for her.

A few weeks ago I started getting the leg cramps at night. Oh joy. I thought I was enough Thompson that I would avoid them. My brother looks more Hasty [Mom's side]. I look more Thompson. However, now I have the cramping issues, too.

Of course, if I could drop some weight it would help. I am working on that.

Anyway, enough about my Potassium Issues from Hell.

Here are some interesting facts I discovered about our fridge.

We had 3 packages of Feta cheese that had been in the back of the fridge more than 3 years. Feta doesn't grow interesting hairy green things so we hadn't noticed it was from the Bush administration - Bush I that is. I like Feta sometimes but it's not a staple, so I hadn't been checking dates on the packages.

There was a jar of something on the top shelf that had leaked and it was stuck to the shelf. Stuck fast. A bodybuilder with a crowbar couldn't have moved it. I tried my best, then gave up. No hernia for me today, thanks anyway. The potassium issues make life interesting enough.

We buy packages of tortillas for no good reason and leave them in the vegetable drawer. My kids went through a phase about a year ago where they were making "wrap" sandwiches. Alas, the tortilla phase has ended and now the bad old tortillas are in the garbage. We will have to buy more, because if the kids look in the fridge and find no tortillas they will cry, I bet. Don't ask me why.

We have 8 different kinds of mustard in our house. Nobody in the house likes mustard except my mother. However, in the event we have a dinner guest who is a mustard connoisseur, we are prepared. Like the mustard. Get it? Prepared?!? [I am happy even if I just amuse myself...]

Packages of broccoli bought and frozen 6 years ago need to go in the garbage. Nobody eats broccoli in my house except Mother and she's not allowed to cook it so she doesn't eat it often. The smell of cooking broccoli makes me homicidal. 

I hate broccoli more than I hate Gatorade.

Spare me the lecture about the vitamins in broccoli. I take a big whopping multivitamin every morning.

We have enough frozen chicken in the freezer to feed 5,000 people, or 3,000 of my relatives.

If flooding is ever imminent, I will simply pull out the frozen chicken and pile it up and we will be fine.

We have bags of concoctions in our freezer which are completely unidentifiable. Someday, when I am bored out of my mind, I intend to defrost them.

Whenever we are going somewhere and want to take a cold pack from the freezer we cannot locate any cold packs and we have to stop and buy ice. Today, I found 50 cold packs, of all shapes and sizes. They had been in hiding. I suspect, somewhere in New Jersey, a freezer will be defrosted on day and Jimmy Hoffa will be behind the cold packs. Geraldo should live so long to see it.

The water line from the wall to the icemaker of the fridge is so old it won't work with the new fridge. We had to call the plumber so he can come out here and rig up some kind of thingy to make the new ice maker work. That will be $85 plus the cost of the thingy. I had been congratulating myself because the delivery guys found a tiny dent in the new fridge when they unwrapped it. They showed it to me and were very nice about calling the main office, and $50 was knocked off the price of the fridge. YAY. Then I learned I had to call the plumber.

I can't win.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy some Feta cheese and tortillas...

Happenings

Just occurred to me I didn't post here yesterday. "Life moves pretty fast sometimes. If you don't stop and look around, you might miss it."

Ferris Bueller, my hero.

Before noon yesterday I had taken Michael to school, taken Mother to the doctor and then out to breakfast, weeded the front pinestraw bed and watered everything, and straightened my room.

I got a call about another job interview Friday. This one is very exciting to me. More on that if it works out.

I am trying for some freelance writing jobs, since I have more time than usual right now - at least an hour or two a day! LOL

The new fridge is getting delivered today. Yay! The bad news is I will have to clean out the old fridge. The kids won't be here to help. Ugh.

Mike has tennis AND a baseball game tonight. 

Alesia takes a cooking class [what we used to call Home Ec] and the class is eating lunch today at the nearby Cordon Bleu cooking school. She's not all that excited but Mother and I are thrilled!

More news as it develops...

The Guacamole King

I realized I haven't updated y'all on the happenings around here in a couple of days so I thought I'd remedy that. Below is what I wrote to my brother tonight...

Michael has become the Guacamole King. For the past two nights he has made these concoctions out of avocados, diced tomatoes, garlic salt, lime juice, and lord knows what else. He is like a little alchemist over there. I was really surprised he did it tonight because he had baseball practice so we were really late eating dinner - like, 8:45.

Mother said the guacamole he's making is quite good. Whether you realize it or not, you are a good influence around here. I found this site which shows that avocados are a great source of fiber and vitamin C. It's good for him to fix something he likes that's healthy.

Of course after dinner he polished off the leftover half of Alesia's chocolate bunny...

I took the grilled pork left over from the other night and sliced it thin and put it in the crock pot, with a marinade of more of that Wishbone balsamic vinaigrette, some soy sauce, and honey. It was really tasty.

We also had homegrown English peas - YUM. They were a little bit hard in the center but still wonderful. Alesia said she preferred the canned peas. Grr...

I had a job interview today at a small firm close to here, for a part time paralegal job. I liked the lawyer and the office manager. It sounds like a cool place to work, and they are hoping to make it full-time once business picks up. Keep your fingers crossed on that one.

I have started a bunch of seeds in seed flats - for onions, tomatoes, cukes, eggplants, zucchini. I am watering them every day, hoping that some of the seeds will sprout. I was afraid if I put the seeds directly in the long garden they wouldn't get enough water. We are having a very hot and dry week here.

Did you realize you left a nice pair of tan slacks hanging in Mike's closet, and 2 shirts?? Do you need me to mail them back to you?

Dee

Sharing Songs

My kids think I am hopelessly fuddy duddy when it comes to music but every once in a great while I find a newish singer or band I like.

Ben Taylor is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon. I grew up singing their songs. Ben looks like them both and has a beautiful rich voice. You can listen to a great song called "Surround Me" here even though there's no video as such.

This song, "Coming Around Again" from Carly Simon is my favorite. You can see the video here - it's cool because she has film from when she was a kid, but a bit goofy because of the 1980's big hair and the guy who sits next to her looking like a mannequin...

Of course, I also have to share my favorite James Taylor song, "Shower the People". After I die, I want this played at my memorial service, because it perfectly expresses my philosophy of life - "shower the people you love with love / show them the way that you feel." [There won't be a funeral because I want to be cremated, and my ashes sprinkled into the Atlantic ocean.] No, I want lots of music played, good food, and stories told about me. That's the way it should be, a wake. I am part Irish so it's fitting. 

There's the soft side to my taste and there's the side of me that loves the blues. The song "When Love Comes to Town" by U2 and BB King perfectly synthesizes my love of the blues and rock and roll, and features two incredible performers, Bono and BB King. Makes me want to dance, sing along, and drink a beer [except I don't drink any more]. Great stuff. 

The Music of Life

Ever thought about how powerful music is? I can be having a tough day, and I can play a song I love, like "Pink Cadillac" by Bruce Springsteen, and I am transported.

I don't have anything significant to report about today, so I thought I'd just talk about music a little bit.

My kids are exploring what kinds of music they like, and they are shocked to know me and Uncle Bruce actually know something about it. Bruce got so tickled the other day because he had Alesia in the truck and he had the radio tuned to a station she doesn't normally hear. A song came on by Led Zeppelin and he named it correctly. Another one came on, by Counting Crows, and he named that one. She was shocked. She views him as older than dirt [50] and I'm not far behind.

What I wish I could tell her - and have her remember it - is this: for the rest of your life, I hope that songs are little time capsules of memory for you, like they are for me.

Sitting here listening to tunes on my computer [like "Get the Funk Outta My Face" by The Brothers Johnson] takes me back to my youth. Suddenly I am 22 and I can dance half the night. I am not arthritic or fat or gray-haired. There was a time...

I started graduate school at UT in 1987, and I used to pop Simon and Garfunkel's monumental Live in Central Park album into my Walkman and walk the mile over to campus listening and grooving, sometimes softly singing along. Listening to "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" takes me right back there.

When I was in grad school I couldn't afford to go out much so I stayed in a lot and listening to the radio, or record albums. I could put on Abacab, by Genesis, and be right back in Payne Hall at the University of Georgia in the spring of 1982, completely absorbed by the drum track and Phil Collins' voice, when it was rough and complex, before he went so pop silly.

I can listen to James Taylor and suddenly it's 2005 and little Alesia is listening to her first really good American music, and loving James Taylor, an artist I've loved forever. She would go to sleep listening to his "musics" for months after she came home. In Russia kids play a lot of techno and house music; truly awful stuff.

It's fitting that Alesia and I were brought together by one of the greatest choral works ever written - Handel's Messiah. If I hadn't gone to Russia to perform it, I never would've met her.

 

Sometimes the memories aren't happy. I was listening to the Ozark Mountain Daredevils sing "Jackie Blue" when I had an accident some years ago. I wince when I hear that, even now.

Sometimes music evokes memories of particular people. I can't hear The Allman Brothers without thinking about Doug, an attorney I used to work with who loved them. I can't listen to Leon Russell without thinking about my cousin Raye.

Music is powerful.

When my father died, Mother refused to allow any music whatsoever at the memorial service, because she's like me; it affects her deeply. She was afraid she'd cry.

Whenever I hear Frank Sinatra I think of my dad. He loved Sinatra. He also liked Herb Alpert and Willie Nelson. His tastes, like mine, were eclectic.

I grew up being babysat by Broadway show tunes. Mom would put a stack of albums on the turntable and they'd play, in turn, each side of 4 albums, then she'd come flip them over for me and I'd listen to the other sides. I was usually on the sofa, curled up in my pink blanket, happy as a clam for hours like that. To this day, I know every single word to every single song of Hello Dolly, South Pacific, Oklahoma, My Fair Lady, and Mary Poppins.

I slept with the radio on for years. I was afraid of the dark and it comforted me.

I think what started me thinking about all this was that I heard on the radio today that David Cassidy turned 60 today. Wow. I grew up a Partridge Family junkie. I could sing all the words to "I Think I Love You" right now. I can't remember much of what I studies in college but I can remember that!

 

I can admit here to rediscovering an artist I adored when I was in middle school, John Denver. I am listening to "Annie's Song" as I type this. I never realized until I was grown that it's a waltz. It's also a lovely, lyrical song. I'm not embarrassed to say I still enjoy hearing his music. I don't care if it's not cool. I learned to play the guitar just so I could play his music. I could sing along to his tenor voice perfectly. I remember he came to town and did a concert and I begged Dad to get me tickets. He got tickets the day of the show, and Bruce and I sat behind the stage - he played in an arena. I looked at the back of John Denver's head for two hours. Didn't matter.

"You fill up my senses / Come fill me again" he sang. 

John, wherever you are, you knew what you were talking about. Music is one of those things that makes life bearable, and at times downright joyful. 

 

Sunday in Spring

Bruce did a lot of work today, including getting my gardens ready to plant. He also tried to fix our fridge, which is on its last legs after only 19 years, but couldn't get it fixed. I bought a new one this afternoon after he left. Awful timing with me unemployed, but there wasn't a choice. Brandsmart was having a good sale, fortunately.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. It's such a pity. The weather here is gorgeous - 70's, light breeze. The flowers are blooming, azaleas are flowering. This is when it's lovely to be an Atlantan.

We spoke to Pasha last night via Skype. He said there's snow on the ground in Khabarovsk, but he looked great and we had a great visit.

Here are some photos of us, below.

The one of Alesia's curly hair was not made today but it's so cute I had to post it - I don't understand why she straightens this gorgeous hair...

 

 

 
 

Swedish Fish

My brother walked in the other day with Cokes in glass bottles, NOT made with high fructose corn syrup. I popped the cap off and tasted one. Fabulous. Like the cokes of my childhood. This blog has a little writeup on them which is right on the money. I drank two today. Bruce took the kids to Sam's [where he got them] and bought MORE. I made him put them in the garage so I won't lose my mind drinking them. The last thing I need is real coke, with sugar...

Brother has been doing a lot around the house. He has helped us change out some lights, taught Mike how to weed whack. Cleaned the grill. Prepared my gardens for planting. Today he and Michael made me some tomato cages out of bamboo and baling wire. He thought it would be easy project but it wasn't. We have a forest of bamboo around the edges of the backyard and I HATE bamboo now. It's like kudzo, it pops up everywhere and takes over.

Yesterday, Bruce took Alesia to get her phone back. She had accidentally left it in the waiting room of the Walmart Tire Center, and miraculously it was there when they went to look for it. She called me. I told her to give the phone to Bruce and I told him to stay gone a bit longer so Mother could nap in peace.

So Bruce took her to Rita's to get some frozen custard. He ordered mango Italian ice with Swedish Fish on top. Alesia looked at the Swedish Fish suspiciously and asked what they were. Bruce said "These are Swedish Fish." She thought he was teasing and got quite irate about it. By then they were driving away in his truck. She refused to believe him when he told her Swedish Fish are candy, like gummy bears. Finally, he turned around and went back to Rita's and told her to go in and ask the counter guy what Swedish Fish are. She has gotten very argumentative at times. Well, he won the argument. He said she came out giggling, quite embarrassed.

I had to run to Home Depot this afternoon and quite unexpectedly found a package of Swedish Fish and bought them for Alesia. She didn't think it was funny...