I was informed a little while ago by my mother that I was a total pill yesterday. She's right. I was awful. I yelled at Alesia and Michael. I was a Bad Mommy and a Bad Daughter. I didn't do anything right.
I was doing what I swore I would never do - taking my stressed out state too seriously and lashing out at the people who love me.
I feel lower than a snake's belly.
The only thing that has kept me out of the loony bin for much of my life has been my ability to write. So here's a poem I wrote this morning.
For My Children
These are some things I want you to think about.
When someone says they are a friend, it may last forever, or it may only last a short time. You must not grieve over the lost ones, even though they hurt you. Or if you must grieve, acknowledge the pain and move on.
When someone acts very friendly, they may only want you to buy something from them. Be wary.
Crying is not weakness. Tears wash your soul clean.
You don’t have to do things perfectly. You do have to try your best. Make it a habit early, so you will not have regrets.
There’s an Italian proverb you need to ponder: “Those who don’t love you make you laugh. Those who love you make you cry.”
When I yell at you, it’s not really your fault. It’s a flaw inside me, and I am not a patient person. I always regret it later. I ask God to help me be a better mom all the time. I fail all the time. I still love you both more than my life.
As time progresses, I will yell more. I will say things that upset you, even though I don’t mean to. Try to remember that behind it all is fear, my rotten, old, rancid fear – and it’s not about you at all. When you can do that, you will have a valuable life skill, called Not Taking it Personally.
You must venture outside what is comfortable, or you will have a stagnant, unhappy life. Take chances. Risk. Love with abandon. Try things.
Fail at things, but never call yourself a failure.
If I had not gone to Russia in 2003, we would not know each other. I had to take a risk, do something scary and uncomfortable. My reward – the two most important people in my life, you.
People will hurt you. I cannot prevent that. Never let them make you feel you deserved to be hurt. You do not deserve that. You endured a lifetime of hurt in your youngest years, and any hurts that come now need to be processed and abandoned. Feel the hurt, cry your healing tears, then let it GO.
Remember, God brought you to me, and God will never abandon you. Never.
Even if you can’t believe in God, believe in love. They are one and the same.
You have seen two kinds of lives-
Biting cold, poverty, dirt, hitting, shame, vodka, nudity, cigarettes.
And another life – warm days in January, green grass lawns, bicycles under blue skies, English homework, family dinners, and a small dog who likes to play kiss kiss.
It takes strength and courage to turn away from those early imprints. You are both stronger and braver than I have ever been.
You are survivors.
Remember the past and its pain, but don’t let it define you.
And I want you to understand and remember this, if nothing else -
You get to choose your own life.
Choose to seek God.
Choose to learn, not just from books, but from people.
Choose to feel your pain and keep going anyway.
Choose to love and be loved.
Choose.
