When you were growing up, did you ever hear things like "Don't cry, be a man!" or "You're the man of the house," or "Now, young ladies don't _________." I heard those types of statements from my parents and particularly from my grandparents and older friends and relatives. I remember from a young age always thinking that those things were just plain wrong to say to a child.
I've thought about that a good bit this afternoon.
What sparked this blog idea was this article about a gender-neutral preschool in Sweden. I read the article carefully, and although in theory it might sound like a good idea, I think in practice the Swedes are being rather ridiculous. Gender differences exist, and to deny that is foolhardy. Boys generally like to play with weapons and they will make a toy gun out of a stick, if there's nothing else available. I have a friend who refuses to give his little boy a toy gun or knife or sword. Well, guess which toys the child is drawn to? I observed this firsthand.
The idea that giving a child a toy gun will make into a violent adult is ridiculous. I played with toy guns. I don't run around waving guns at people now, although occasionally I meet someone I'd like to shoot.
My brother was bombarded with army toys, including his own miniature tank he could drive, from a very early age. He ended up going into the military and he still is very interested in guns. He now works as a consultant to police departments. But here's the point I want to make - he also loves to cook.
When my big macho brother comes to visit we have a great time together cooking, swapping recipes and kitchen ideas and anecdotes.
Children should be allowed to explore the world without being steered towards any particular gender-type toy.
I was a weird kid. I played with and loved my babydolls and barbies. I made mud pies, had tea parties, and played dress up. I also loved to climb trees, play football, catch fish, and wrestle with my brother. Now, if I'd had a sister, I might have been more of a "girly girl" but I really only had one consistent female friend throughout my early childhood in Augusta.
In my ideal world, instead of forcing kids to try and be totally neutral, which is rather silly, I'd just make the atmosphere such that the kids could choose what they liked without fear of an adult chastising them. If a boy wants to play with a doll, fine. If a girl wants a football for Christmas, fine too. Most parents I know personally endorse that.
When I was a kid I had to listen to "Why can't you be more LADYLIKE, Dee?" about a million times - mostly from my grandmother. I also remember my father telling Bruce he looked like a girl, when he had longish hair in the 70's. That sort of painful gender stereotyping needs to go away.
The running joke in my house for years was that I always wanted my brother's Christmas presents. He got cool toys and I got clothes and dolls, mostly. One year I pitched a fit because I desperately wanted a football jersey-type shirt he had gotten.
My parents told me too bad, they had spent all the money they were going to spend on Christmas. I was not placated, the way parents tend to do now. Sometimes you have to tell kids to just Get Over It and Move On, as my wise cousin Bill tells his children.
[Bruce never pitched a fit wanting to play with my babydolls, or any of my toys, BTW.]
My favorite book as a little girl was the classic Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. Now, I identified with the character of Jo in the story, not the shy Beth or the frilly/flouncy Amy. Spark Notes describes Jo this way: "The main character of Little Women, Jo is an outspoken tomboy with a passion for writing." Sounds like me, huh?!
I also liked to read books that were bought for my brother Bruce, particularly The Three Investigators. The three teenaged boy protagonists were smart kids who used their wits to solve crimes. We still have several of these books. Michael and I have read a couple of them.
Kids need to explore different roles and identities.
The main character of my new book, The Warrior's Box, is a 14 year old girl who is a tomboy, but who struggles to understand the world after she's given extraordinary powers. She has to handle the classic dilemma of all teenagers, not wanting to be different.
I remember feeling very conflicted about that sort of thing a lot. When I was 14, my best friend started wearing makeup, short shorts, and giggling uncontrollably over boys. I thought she had lost her mind. She thought I was weird.
Anyway, I digressed.
Here's my point. Trying to neutralize all gender like those folks in Sweden is not the way to go, because it's going too far the wrong way. The key is to let boys and girls have freedom to choose or reject traditional gender roles, without pushing them into any particular direction. Shouldn't we tell our young girls it's OK to like cars and football, and also OK to like frilly dresses and makeup? Can't we let a boy explore his feminine side without telling him he must be gay?
Why can't we just give all girls and boys the freedom to choose what they like?
Maybe when society can accept that idea, we will eventually get to a place of real gender equality.
See that big baby doll I'm holding? I still have her. She's a Madame Alexander baby doll my mother went to a lot of trouble to find for me in 1969.
See the big rifle Michael is holding? It went home with Uncle Bruce, right after they got drunk and shot up the neighborhood.
Just kidding.
