Every family has certain stories that are integral to the family, stories that define relationships for years. In my family one of the central stories might be entitled How Bruce and Dee Learned to be Self-Sufficient.
When I was 7 years old my mother was hospitalized, for blood clots in her legs, I think. I do not know any medical details. I do remember a lot of emotional details about that time. Like the fact that my grandparents and my dad were clearly very upset and sad around us, and yet they tried to hide it. Children have excellent radar. They know when something is wrong.
My mother almost died. She was VERY ill. I think I might have even said to Dad something like "Is Mom going to die?" and he said NO! (He was always in denial when one of us was sick.)
Mother was telling Michael this morning that when she was in the hospital all those years ago, she realized that she might die. She also knew my father was fairly inept at household things. He could cook a little bit - spaghetti, fried fish, etc. He could make himself a sandwich, which is more than some of the men in the family could do.
Dad made breakfasts on the weekends, giving Mom a break. He usually cooked omelets that were leathery and overflowing with cheese, onions, ham - whatever was in the fridge. They were barely edible, those omelets, but we ate them..
He was also good about changing diapers, bathing us, dressing us, etc. when we were babies.
Many household things were beyond him, though. He couldn't do laundry. He didn't fix my hair in a ponytail. I don't think he ever bandaged a boo boo, not that I recall anyway. So Mother thought to herself, if I die, my kids need to be able to take care of themselves and the house. Tony won't be able to do it...
Thus began the education of Bruce and I into fully functional adults, at the ages of about 10 and 7. We did our own laundry. We cleaned the bathrooms. We vacuumed. We learned to cook. I learned to mow the lawn. We learned how to bathe the dog. We took turns washing the dinner dishes every night.
I think other people were astonished sometimes - not because our house was spotless [it wasn't] or we were perfectly groomed [we weren't] or because we ate gourmet meals all the time [we didn't]. I think folks were just genuinely startled that Bruce and I could take care of ourselves quite well by the time we were about 15.
There were times I felt like Cinderella, for sure. Now I see the wisdom of it, though.
At the age of about 13 I could cook dinner for the family, and I did so occasionally.
Now Bruce and I both like to cook, and we both are completely comfortable doing anything around the house that needs doing. My brother can sew a button on his own shirt. I can fix the toilet - at least some of the time.
We're trying to get Michael up to speed on things. He does his own laundry. He fixes his own breakfast in the summer, because he is usually sleeping late. He can make excellent guacamole.
I think next time he comes to visit I am going to have Bruce teach Mike how to make a pecan pie. My brother loves pecan pies. When he was a teenager Mother got tired of making them and just taught him how to make pecan pies. He memorized the recipe we like. Now, when he needs to carry something to a potluck dinner he can always make a pecan pie. He has a group of friends that eat at each others' homes often, and he loves to learn new recipes and share foods, but the pecan pie is the standby. How many single, divorced men to do you know who can make an excellent pie from scratch?!
I worked with a lady at one of my recent contract jobs who told me proudly that her kids didn't have to do ANYTHING at home, no chores. "They spend all their time on schoolwork and sports" she explained. They have a maid. She also doesn't cook, apparently, judging by her encyclopedica knowledge of restaurant coupons. I guess they eat out a lot. Her husband has a very good job. So she is just working so they can afford the maid and all the eating out? I am totally puzzled by that.
I've had several people lately tell me with great pride that their kids don't do anything around the house except they are supposed to keep their rooms tidy.
How is that a virtue?!
I went to college and discovered there were girls with very efficient mothers who had no idea whatsoever how to do their own laundry, shop for food, cook anything beyond a sandwich, iron a shirt, etc. They had NO life skills! They were helpless at taking care of themselves. I guess the mothers figured they could do those things faster or better, or they just wanted their darlings to enjoy themselves and not worry about the minutiae of life?!? I am speculating here because I do not understand that at all.
If I could wave a magic wand and have any parenting thing accomplished magically it would be this: I would like my kids to be able to care for themselves. It cannot happen without work, though.
Perhaps parents who raise children from birth figure by the time they have a teenager in the house, they can pretty much be left alone, since they aren't apt to be electrocuted or spit up on the furniture any more. What they don't realize is that teenagers need to learn basic life skills. They need to be able to care for themselves in so many different ways.
I'm not just talking about cooking, cleaning, and sewing, either.
The one way my dad totally messed up was he never taught me or my brother about handling personal finances, other than saying "Don't live beyond your means!" I am awful at budgeting and managing money and I so wish he had taught me better. He was a banker, for heaven's sake. I guess it's like the old adage, "The shoemaker's children are barefoot."
Obviously, my parents weren't perfect. I've never heard of any parents who were perfect, though. Some things kids just have to figure out on their own, and they should have the gumption to just do it.
Here's my lame excuse for being fiscally inept: I sit down to read that sort of book, something by Suze Orman, say, and I fall fast asleep. I cannot read non-fiction, not for more than about 2 minutes, anyway.
Dad used to put me to sleep by reading the Wall Street Journal aloud to me. Worked every time. Sleeping was soooooo much more interesting...
Anyway, if I were going to be an entrepreneur, I'd start a summer camp for kids ages 9-15 called Basic Life Skills Camp. This would be the course list:
No App for Laundry - How to do laundry without going to the dry cleaners
Death to the ramen noodles - How to cook a meal that doesn't come from a box or a can
Slurping Means No Second Date -- table Manners 101
The thrill of the hunt -- grocery shopping skills
Death To Dirt and Dust! -- Basic Cleaning Skills
Don't Yank up Geraniums - weeding for beginners
For more advanced campers:
The ATM is Not Magic - How to maintain a bank account
Rainstorms Don't Get It All - how to actually wash a car without spending $20
Death and Dismemberment Mean You Don't Get Paid - Basic Childcare for babysitters
Got Enough Undies?! - Packing for a trip
// On second thought, maybe not. It's been hard enough trying to teach my own kids - I can't imagine teaching someone else's mouth-breathing tattoo'd little slacker darling...
This was made in 2007, right after I got Mike home from Kazakhstan...
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