I have noticed during my career that there are common scenarios in every workplace. Dilbert capitalizes on that, of course, with hilarious results, but here are some things I have noticed over the years which may or may not be peculiar to legal departments or attorneys. [None of the anecdotes I relate here pertain to my present job, it's important to note.]
Be aware of your surroundings at all times. I had only been a paralegal a matter of months when I went walking by the supply room and a stapler came sailing through the air, aimed at my head. I ducked. The attorney saw me - I froze in terror because he was cussing a blue streak - but instead of apologizing, he just snarled. I fled.
Whether or not you drink coffee, learn how to make it. I can't count the number of times I've had to make coffee for clients. First thing I do in a new job is figure out the coffee maker. If there is no sugar alternative like Splenda I tactfully suggest the office purchase some, because a person craving caffeine who is on a strict diet is apt to throw a stapler if a sweet but low-cal cuppa joe is not produced forthwith.
Never use this phrase: "Well, that's how we did it at the last place I worked." The negative vibes generated by that one statement are likely to have a ripple effect you DO NOT WANT. Nobody cares how you did it before, or how luxurious your cube was, or how they threw great Christmas parties. It's a new ballgame and you must conform. Or quit. Your choice.
If you want a good performance review, never ever ever say "That's not my job." If they pay you, it's your job, whether it's drafting a memo, writing a letter, or picking up lunch for everyone from the corner deli. My Mamaw used to say "If the boss asks you to dig a hole and fill it up again ten times, JUST DO IT!"
Do not hang on your cube or office wall a calendar of cute firemen, even if they are, technically, fully clothed. Don't ask me how I know this; just trust me on it.
Do not post things on your public Facebook profile like "Wow, I was SO drunk last night!" Even if you're just turning 21 and not even thinking about a real job yet, that sort of phrase can come back to haunt you, if you're not careful.
If you work in a cube farm, watch it with the cologne. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to throw up from the smell of stinky perfume in the office. Yes, you may love Jungle Gardenia mixed with the smell of Marlboro reds, but not everyone finds that appetizing. I had to put up with that exact combination at my first job, and I've never forgotten it.
Stay out of workplace gossip wars. All workplaces are hotbeds of gossip. Don't listen to it or repeat it. As a young paralegal I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I heard one of the attorneys was leaving the firm and I jokingly asked if I could have his stapler when he left. He wasn't planning on going anywhere and immediately assumed he was being fired, and freaked out. Stupid, stupid, stupid rookie mistake on my part.
Never criticize the furnishings in the office. I did this once at a law firm where I worked, because I had to wait a while in the lobby, in front of a particularly hideous modern painting, and I joked about it looking like Rorshact threw up or something. The partner who was my boss was standing there and she glared at me and said "I CHOSE that painting." Oops. I quit not long afterwards...
Don't bring your toddler to work unless they are comatose. I once spent an entire morning duckwalking behind a rambunctious toddler who wreaked major havoc inside of 15 minutes. Toddlers belong at home or penned up some way, not in the office, not unless you perhaps work at a daycare or a toy company.
Watch your sense of humor. I learned early on that not everyone at the office thought I was funny. One of the older attorneys at my first job heard me giggling in the breakroom one day with a group of ladies who thought I was a hoot, and I was actually laughing at my own joke. He saw the group and glared at me, hissing "This is a law firm. We don't laugh here. Get back to work." He was not kidding. His son had a sense of humor but he didn't get it from the old man.
Don't drink eggnog at the office Christmas luncheon. Especially not if one of the senior partners puts a bottle of brandy next to the nog bowl. Just don't do it. Trust me on this one.
I just re-read this and realized wow, I used to do a lot of dumb things at work. It's amazing I've had such a long career.
