The Crab Chronicles

The Middle Wife

I don't know where this came from, but Mom sent it to me in an email and it made me laugh. Enjoy -

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, mybaby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Comedy

Sometimes I have senior moments and I am not even a senior yet. The other night, Mother and Michael and I sat down to eat. We talked. I said the blessing. They both laughed at me.

That's a first. Usually they are respectful while I ask the blessing.

Michael stopped laughing after a moment and said "Mom, that's the second blessing you said!"

Holy mackeral, Batman!

Since late August, there has been an extra person at my dinner table 90% of the time, between visitors and my friend living here. I think I was just in shock at being able to say it for just the three of us.

It was a busy day yesterday, with me working until 6. I didn't get many hours in last week due to the holiday, so I am trying to make up for it this week. Fortunately, my boss is understanding about that sort of thing. There's plenty to do.

Thanksgiving was warm, as usual, but now it's COLD. Got the heat blasting so Mike doesn't freeze when he gets out of the shower.

Last night's movie was Duck Soup, which Michael loved. I will order more Marx Brothers movies. Michael loved it. I've always been a big fan of Groucho, for his wit and double entendres.

I've been trying to introduce Michael to some classic comedies from different eras. We've also recently watched The Bellboy, which was not all that funny, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's OK, but not my favorite one. My favorite is Life of Brian. I used to show that one to boyfriends, and if they didn't laugh, I broke up with them. Seriously.

Michael is always asking me to order comedies from Netflix, and I try to oblige. We're running out of ones to order, though, so I am trying to branch out. If you have any suggestions for funny old movies, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.

Michael missed three days of school just before the break, due to a sinus infection, so he needs some comedy.

Let's hope today is more fun than yesterday. Mondays are never fun..

 

The Pain of Parenting

I am sort of glad Thanksgiving is over. I want to move as quickly as possible through the holidays, because I dread them. I absolutely dread Christmas. I've never felt this way before and I hope I never feel this way again.

When you have a child who seems determined to live a life that has nothing to do with your values, it makes you divide up your life. Alesia is living a life that involves people who have been arrested, use drugs, etc.

I've never been arrested. I've never cheated on my taxes. I've not even gotten a traffic ticket in many years. I'm such a stick-in-the-mud straight arrow, I only occasionally even drink a beer.

Yet, I never suffered abuse or neglect, either.

I don't want Alesia to think I condone her behavior, but I don't want to lose contact with her, either. We had a terrible conversation back in August wherein I told her I knew about her behavior, and she denied it and got very defensive. She didn't call me again for two months.

I have to fall back on the old "hate the sin but love the sinner" cliche, just to get through every day. I also pray for her many times a day.

I tried really hard to put on a good face over Thanksgiving, for Michael's sake, mainly. Inside, everything made me sad.

Yesterday, we went to Michael's [the crafts store] to look at Christmas stuff. The last time I was in there was with Alesia.

Alesia called us Wednesday night. I maintained calm while we talked. Mother wouldn't talk to her because she was afraid she would cry. Michael talked to her. She was sisterly with him, asking him about school, friends, etc.

I feel a need in her for family, for reaching out to us. She said she would see us sometime soon.

The hardest thing about parenting is watching your child screw up, and just having to let them learn their lessons.

It's like I told Alesia just before she stormed out of here last June, "If you won't learn from me, then life is going to teach you. Life is a harsh teacher kiddo."

I keep wanting to tell her that she is probably still alive only because many people pray for her every day. I also have to believe she was rescued from Russia for a reason, and it wasn't so she could become a dropout living a wasted life.

Please continue to pray for her. I know, deep down, she is a good girl, no matter how much stupid stuff she does.

Last Day of the Holiday

I got out in the yard yesterday and worked, and today I am moving very slowly. Here in the south, we get very little snow, if any, and we plant pansies that stay lovely in the winter.

Last January when we got the week of snow and ice, I was sure it would kill my pansies, but nope, they survived the freaky weather just fine.

My brother went and bought them for me, which was nice. We put in deep red ones in the front flower bed, and blue ones by the mailbox. Bro has a big truck. He also worked on winterizing my flower beds, with Michael's help. So all in all, a good day.

The hard part is that we have to get off a schedule of staying up late and pigging out, and back to normal. Last night for dinner we had leftover pork roast, dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce, and cauliflower. We will probably have that again tonight, and then hopefully it will be gone.

So what's up for today, you ask?!

I spent some time yesterday going through papers from 2002-04, looking for the lost title to my car. My Mazda got paid off in 2005 and the finance company sent me the title in the mail. I remember vividly reading the accompanying letter and shaking my head, because Chase said basically "We never want to hear from you again. We won't take calls asking for another copy of the title." I thought wow, what hostility. I got the snotty letter and title the day before I moved here, into this house. Somehow, with the move, it got misplaced. I really need to find it. Dealing with the state about the lost title is not going to be fun. So I am making a last ditch effort to find it.That involves some cleaning out of the mess that is my closet. Ugh...

Michael has homework to do, since he missed three days of school with a sinus infection week before last.

We have to go to Kroger. Oh joy.

My friend who was living here is coming over sometime today to get the rest of his stuff. I promised I'd haul some of it to the new place for him.

It's been a nice 4 day weekend. Since I am paid hourly, I won't get another stretch of time off like this for a while. Christmas is on a Sunday this year. So it was nice to have a brief break from work.

We are facing two costly repair jobs, right here before Christmas. Mother's computer has died, and my friend Paul is trying to fix it. She is using a loaner. I know Paul will help us with the lowest cost option but it will still entail spending some money. Our garage door also needs fixing, and Bruce couldn't fix it. So more money there. So Christmas will not be lavish this year, not at all.

We are in a Recession, the entire country. I was recently asked to contribute some poems about it, and the result is here, The Great Recession. My poems include a recipe.

Enjoy the remainder of Thanksgiving!

The Christmas Book Giveaway!

ATTENTION BLOG READERS -- YOU HAVE UNTIL MONDAY DECEMBER 5TH AT 6:00 P.M. EST TO LEAVE A COMMENT AND POSSIBLY WIN A BOOK!

Dee

I have been informed by she who must be obeyed /her majesty the queen Mother that people [particularly regular blog readers] are irritated that the book post is staying at the top of the blog, AND that I am asking too much of people to post on Facebook or send an email, just to win a book. So in the spirit of Christmas, I am making this much simpler.

Perhaps she's right. I've not had a great response. SO...

IF you want one of the books, leave a comment on here and tell me which book you'd like. I will draw winners on Monday and email you.

Dee

I am a big believer in passing around good books, not letting them just sit on the shelf. So I am giving away FREE books here on the Crab Chronicles - just in time for Christmas!

I have a personal association with all these books.

HOW TO WIN

I have read them all, and can say with conviction, they are excellent books. If you're stuck for a gift and want to win one of these books, here's how you do it:

1) Link to my blog on your Facebook page. Send me an email with a link to your Facebook post. If you're not a friend of mine on Facebook, Friend me! [Scroll down and to the right to see a link to my FB page]

2) If you don't have a Facebook page, send an email to at least 10 friends with a link to this blog, and copy me. You can say something like "Here's Dee's blog and she's giving away free books!" or "Look what this crazy woman is making me do, just for a chance to win a used book!" - or whatever strikes your fancy as long as it's in good taste and it positively mentions The Crab Chronicles and links to the blog.

3) If you're a blogger, put a link to my blog in a post, and send me a link by email.

4) VERY IMPORTANT - when you send me you email entry, tell me WHICH book or books you want to win!

[[email protected] is my email, BTW]

On December 5th I will draw the winners of the free books, and mail them off to the winners. That should give them plenty of time to get the book, wrap it, and mail it off to someone else if it's a gift.

OK, here are the books you can WIN! [Note: all are hardbacks except where I note otherwise.]

You love her on Glee. Now read her fascinating and funny life story - Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch.

Do you like thrillers? Third Degree is one of Greg Iles' best books, a real page turner. If you like suspenseful books, or someone on your gift list does, this is an excellent choice. I think I read it in 2 days?!

One of my favorite TV cooks is Paula Deen. We're also sort of related - her third cousin is married to my second cousin! Her memoir, It Ain't All About the Cooking is a fascinating glimpse into her life. She has overcome a lot of obstacles to get where she is, and she tells her story in her typical unaffected, honest way. It also has lots of excellent recipes. It's hard to part with this one but I want to spread the love.

Another Southern lady I love to read is Mary Kay Andrews, who used to write mysteries under the name Kathy Trocheck. Those are all fun books, particularly if you are familiar with Atlanta. Savannah Breeze is particularly fun because it's set in Savannah and it's about a lady opening an inn on Tybee Island right near Savannah. I loved this book but I'm happy to share it because if you like "chick lit" or books about the south you will love it.

Next up is an another book connected to food - sensing a pattern here?!?
Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany
[by Bill Buford] As much as I love to cook, this book made me shudder, at times. I could never cook professionally. It's a fascinating read, though, if you're a "foodie" or if you just like memoirs.I also stumbled across the info that it has been optioned to be a movie and it might star Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of my very favorite actors. So read the book first, then you can trash the movie and say it's not as good! LOL

Michael and I read every night, just about, and we recently read a great thriller for kids called Point Blank, by Anthony Horowitz. [This one is a trade paperback, not hardcover.]  It's set in England and Switzerland. If you have a tween who likes James Bond style adventure books, Horowitz is a prolific writer and his books are fun.

 

LAGNIAPPE [that's a french word meaning "little present", not a book title, y'all] Giving away 2 copies of this one, first come, first served [email me]

I recently met a lady online named Melanie Jongsma, who sent me copies of a lovely memoir called Cancer Freedom, by Beatrice Hofman Hoek. Here's what Melanie said about this book:

"Cancer Freedom was my first book. It was actually published several years ago by Baker Book House, under the title Surrender or Fight: One Woman's Victory Over Cancer. After it went out of print, I had the rights reverted back to me and my co-author, so I could update it and re-release it as Cancer Freedom. It's my co-author's story — she has survived breast cancer for 25 years now."

I lost my dad to cancer in 1996, so this was hard to read, but it's a lovely book. (The book's author is a lady of strong Christian faith, BTW.) If you or someone you know is battling cancer, let me know and I will send it to you, or to them. First come, first served.

 

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT!

Help me promote The Crab Chronicles and you may win a free book!

 

Christmas Decorating

We spent yesterday decorating for Christmas. Now we're in the spirit! Michael had talked about decorating the Christmas tree for weeks.

 

Lesleigh came over for dinner. Bruce had bought her a shovel, since she drives around Atlanta a lot by herself.

You can see behind them the collection of Santas on the mantel.

Bruce and Michael spend a lot of time together. They went to Bass Pro Shops yesterday, and Sam's, etc. They also like to watch YouTube.

White Russian Day

"I love Thanksgiving. It's the one day that big thighs are a good thing." LOL

We've had a lovely day, very laid back and informal. We didn't go anywhere and nobody came here - except Bruce, who came in yesterday. I spent most of the day cooking.

We had pork roast, which I put in the oven at 10:30 this morning [on 200], and took out about 7:30 tonight. It was fork tender. I used a Sucklebuster's Hog Waller dry rub, plus some salt and pepper and onion powder. Low and slow makes the best meat.

I also fixed a big pan of dressing, which was time-consuming. We dry out breadcrumbs and make our own. We make a pan of cornbread and crumble it up. We add chicken broth, celery and onions [liquified in the food processor], eggs, baking powder, fresh sage and thyme, salt and pepper, etc. It takes time. This year, Michael discovered the joy of a slab of hot cornbread covered with milk. Yum.

I spent a lot of time picking through cranberries. I made homemade cranberry sauce, the Pioneer Woman sauce, which includes orange juice and maple syrup. It was too tart, so I added a cup of sugar. I thought it was fine warm, but by the time we ate it at dinner, chilled, it struck me as way too tart and not sweet enough. Mother and Michael liked it.

I also made Cauliflower Onion Gratin. Very tasty. I just wish I had roasted the cauliflower a bit longer. I'm not wild about blue cheese but it really made the recipe. The combination of blue cheese and roasted onions - yum. Mike ate a big helping, which surprised me.

Yesterday, I made a pecan pie with bourbon and chocolate chips. I think it was better today. Michael said he wants a regular pecan pie, and we can make one tomorrow. My friends Steve and Melanie sent over a delicious pumpkin pie, too.

I didn't make any pictures, but so be it.

Bruce and Michael played chess, several games. There wasn't a lot of talking going on. Bruce won, although Michael is an excellent player.

I spent a lot of time cooking, but that's OK. Even though it was just the four of us I wanted it to be a nice dinner, and it was. I got to eat it in my bathrobe, which was a huge blessing, to me. LOL.

After dinner, I made myself a White Russian, and added a scoop of coffee ice cream. It was molto delicioso. I hadn't had a mixed drink in a long time. It was not too potent, but it was tasty. We watched one of our favorite movies The Big Lebowski. In it, Jeff Bridges spends a lot of time drinking White Russians.

Altogether a nice day, very laid back, except for all the cooking...

You can call me Dee-derino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing..

China Adoption by Single Women

The message below was posted on my Yahoo group for parents who have adopted children with limb differences. It's very exciting to me. I hope all the children can be matched with loving single moms or two-parent families.

"China now allows single women to adopt children with individual needs who are part of China's "Special Focus" program. Many single women have been matched with a young child from China with in as little as 2 months for the gender, age and individual needs they requested. On average, single women on WACAP's list wait 2 - 3 months to be matched with a child depending on the needs and ages they are open to.

Recently, single women working with WACAP have been matched with children with individual needs such as Hepatitis B, ear atresia, spina bifida, a missing limb, thalassemia, and albinism. Contact [email protected] or [email protected] to learn more about the kinds of children that we have seen in China's "Special Focus" program. WACAP (www.wacap.org) is a non-profit adoption agency.
WACAP will help you complete the necessary paperwork to be on our list of singles to be matched with a child – within the gender, age and individual needs you request. Many children who are available to single parents are never posted on agency websites because they're instantly matched with families when new child information is released by the CCCWA. When the files are released in China, WACAP staff is up late at night to match you with a child who needs a family. You will have three days to review the child's information and accept or decline the child for adoption. If the referral isn't the right child for you, we will continue to search the next month, when new files are again released.
If you've been waiting to find the right child from China on our current list, change your strategy now! Contact WACAP so they can explain the adoption process for single women. Contact [email protected] or [email protected]. Even if your homestudy is not yet started the whole process can take as little as 12 months to have your child home and wrapped in your arms."

MANY Chinese babies are born with congenital limb differences. Sometimes, they are simply missing a finger or two. Even if they are missing a hand, like my son, they can function quite well in society, here in the USA. Please consider one of the special needs children available in China, if oyur heart is so inclined.

A Little Perfume

I've worn designer perfumes in my day. I've bathed in essential oils. I've owned the complete set of White Tea and Ginger bath and beauty products from Bath and Body Works - it's my signature scent. I've been known to wear Michael, by Michael Kors, another favorite scent.

Guess what I smell like right now, though?

Eau de Coco parfum.

Coco, as in Chanel, you might ask?!

[Above, Coco Chanel, photographed with her necklace all messed up. Or maybe her dress was on backwards. Tres chic. Or she was tres drunk. Who knows?!?]

Well, no. Not that Coco.

Coco Thompson.

I smell like my dog. Coco.

I just bathed her in the kitchen sink with some expensive mint and rosemary shampoo. That's not what I smell like, though.

I smell like wet dog. [Or dawg, as we say in Georgia.]

My house is a wreck and I haven't even begun to cook, but dadgummit THE DOG HAS BEEN CLIPPED AND BATHED!

She is clean. I have not photographed her. I am too tired.

Michael and I bought professional scissors at Sally's Beauty Supply, and I put a purple shampoo cape on my bed, but dog hair still got everywhere. Michael actually hauled the big vacuum cleaner up the stairs and fixed up the wand and went to town on the bed, the floor, me. Yes, he vacuumed me. I was wearing my favorite ratty, holey, work-around-the-house-only tee shirt. Red. Now with a fine coat of black hair, despite being vacuumed.

I got rather excited about the suction and started vacuuming up dust bunnies until my back screamed in protest. The bunnies are too numerous. You know how bunnies breed.

Then I thought, I'm going to bathe Coco. I'm already dirty and filthy and I smell like dog. Why not just give her a bath?? It's been several months. Even a dog that never goes outside gets dirty in that time.

Michael did most of the clipping, I must admit. He has gotten really good at it, too. I tend to just nervously snip here and there, but Michael methodically and carefully goes all over her, in a pattern.

Of course, Coco was drugged. We cannot take a chance on accidentally nipping her with the scissors because then the cut would open up and she'd have to go to the vet, to the tune of another $500 or so. Pound for pound, Coco is worth more than a nice car, trust me. However, she is our baby.

So Coco had 3/4 of a little pink pill, ground up in some yogurt. She told me next time she even smells yogurt she is going to bark out this warning to all the dogs in the neighborhood:

This is Coco! Listen up mutts!

Don't eat the pink yogurt, for the love of Mike! You will be held down on Sissy's bed and cut with razor sharp scissors, and then Mike will go crazy with the loud sucking thing! It will be HORRIBLE!

Then you will get a bath.

Sissy will scrub your behind with minty smelling goo all the time making babytalk like what a good girl you are, ooh let's get her little hoo-ha clean, let's clean behind her ears...

It's enough to make you want to vomit.

But you will get Sissy back, oh yes. You will have your revenge. You can do like me and roll around all over the good sofa, making snuffling noises. Then you can jump on mama's bed and roll around. You can grind your face into the carpet, too.

You can eat a bug! Go for it!

OK, I'm exhausted now.

Coco out.

Sissy said if you want to get her something for Christmas, try White Tea and Ginger stuff. It smells vile but humans like bad smells. They are SO weird...

Something's Gotta Give

It was not a memorable day, but I want to talk about a movie I watched tonight.

I had to work all day , not my usual 6 hours, so when I got home I started dinner even before I changed clothes. That's not typical. Usually I check email and futz around in my room, then drag myself down to the kitchen and ponder whether Mother and Michael would eat a grilled cheese for dinner again. Tonight I felt guilty about feeding them tuna salad last night and french toast Saturday night, so I made meatballs, mashed potatoes, and a green salad. Not bad, although I needed more olive oil in the salad.

Michael hung around the house all day in his PJ's. He's still coughing, poor kid. This is the last day of antibiotic. I hope he gets better soon. He feels better, but not 100%.

I am making him do some schoolwork every day, since he got behind from missing three days last week.

About a week ago, Mike and I went to our favorite flea market and found a bunch of DVDs on sale. I got an old favorite, Something's Gotta Give, starring Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. It was one of the first movies Alesia saw in 2005 after we moved into the house, and she started calling Nicholson "Heart Attack Man," because his character in the movie has a heart attack. At the time, I thought it was a cute, funny movie.

Now, since I am a lot closer to being in my 50's, I finally get the movie. It makes total sense. I applaud Diane Keaton's character. I must admit, though, I cringed during many of the love scenes. There's an awful lot of kissing in the movie. You can tell it was written and directed by a woman.

Unfortunately, too, I saw a promo on one of the morning show's for Diane Keaton's new book, Then Again, which is a memoir. The promo said something like "Diane Keaton's new book about being bulimic." So all I could think of during the kissing scenes was ugh, I hope she brushed her teeth a lot, or poor Heart Attack Man... And only now, a few minutes ago, did I read the reviews on Amazon of the book. It's about her mother and her life, not just about being bulimic. Good lord, how the media distorts everything.

I have now come to several conclusions, based on this movie.

1. Rich people wear a lot of khaki and linen.

2. Northern beaches are filled with rocks. How bizarre. We have shells and soda cans here in the south.

3. Women directors [like Nancy Meyers] make everybody kiss a lot.

4. Keanu Reeves cannot quite pull off playing an intelligent character. I don't care. I love to look at him. [Does that make me shallow?! Who cares.]

5. Restaurants define civilization. Every important scene in the movie [but two] takes place in a restaurant.