I am sort of glad Thanksgiving is over. I want to move as quickly as possible through the holidays, because I dread them. I absolutely dread Christmas. I've never felt this way before and I hope I never feel this way again.
When you have a child who seems determined to live a life that has nothing to do with your values, it makes you divide up your life. Alesia is living a life that involves people who have been arrested, use drugs, etc.
I've never been arrested. I've never cheated on my taxes. I've not even gotten a traffic ticket in many years. I'm such a stick-in-the-mud straight arrow, I only occasionally even drink a beer.
Yet, I never suffered abuse or neglect, either.
I don't want Alesia to think I condone her behavior, but I don't want to lose contact with her, either. We had a terrible conversation back in August wherein I told her I knew about her behavior, and she denied it and got very defensive. She didn't call me again for two months.
I have to fall back on the old "hate the sin but love the sinner" cliche, just to get through every day. I also pray for her many times a day.
I tried really hard to put on a good face over Thanksgiving, for Michael's sake, mainly. Inside, everything made me sad.
Yesterday, we went to Michael's [the crafts store] to look at Christmas stuff. The last time I was in there was with Alesia.
Alesia called us Wednesday night. I maintained calm while we talked. Mother wouldn't talk to her because she was afraid she would cry. Michael talked to her. She was sisterly with him, asking him about school, friends, etc.
I feel a need in her for family, for reaching out to us. She said she would see us sometime soon.
The hardest thing about parenting is watching your child screw up, and just having to let them learn their lessons.
It's like I told Alesia just before she stormed out of here last June, "If you won't learn from me, then life is going to teach you. Life is a harsh teacher kiddo."
I keep wanting to tell her that she is probably still alive only because many people pray for her every day. I also have to believe she was rescued from Russia for a reason, and it wasn't so she could become a dropout living a wasted life.
Please continue to pray for her. I know, deep down, she is a good girl, no matter how much stupid stuff she does.
