The Crab Chronicles

Time to Move On

I don't write a lot about my professional life on here because this blog is primarily devoted to my personal life, and my family. However, I have been part of the working world since that first job at the Knoxville Journal in 1979, and so a lot of who I am has been shaped by what I've done.

I remember finishing college in 1984 and having the most profound sense of disquiet and gut-wrenching fear, thinking What on EARTH am I going to do now?!

My main thought was to get my own apartment and be independent of my parents and do what I liked. I couldn't find a job though. Finally got a job working at a bookstore, which was valuable customer service experience and gave me some funny stories to tell but otherwise was useless. I couldn't make enough money to move out of my parents' house. After a few months of that, my dad suggested I go to paralegal school.

I was very stubborn and at the time I considered myself an agnostic, so I didn't pray or ask God for guidance on anything. I just blundered along, thinking I knew EVERYTHING. I was intellectually arrogant. (That's likely why they wouldn't hire me at the Waffle House.)

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
C. S. Lewis

I really like the above quote by C.S. Lewis. It's not as well known as some of his quotes, but he's always spot-on accurate.

Another one of Lewis' quotes I like:

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis

So yesterday I did something I've never done before. I quit my job. Before I cleaned out my office and turned in my parking pass, I prayed about it. The answer was clear. I needed to get out of there.

I didn't yell or scream or tell anyone off. It was just time to go. I have never before simply walked off a job, but I really just couldn't stay.

There were a lot of reasons why I had to take that action, but I am not going to discuss the reasons here. Suffice to say, I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't eating well, and the stress of the situation was starting to be really depressing. I dreaded going to work every morning. That's not a good way to live.

I have had several good job interviews lately and there are two more scheduled for next week. I am confident I will be offered another job quite soon. 

Some of you may not have any idea what a litigation paralegal does.

Litigation Paralegals have to have a variety of skills. What we mainly do is gather, organize, and summarize information. I got my first paralegal job in 1985, so I have a wealth of information about a lot of different kinds of law. I have customer service skills. I type 55-60 wpm. which is not real fast, but I am highly accurate. I have terrific writing skills because I write all the time, including letters, memos, articles, books, and poetry. I am very good at reviewing records of all kind and summarizing them. I am terrific at interviewing witnesses. I work hard and I don't stop until it's done right. I am good at answering discovery questions, or finding the answers. I always keep my files impeccably. 

I am always keen to learn new things at work.

Despite the fact that I sort of backed into my career, I am proud that I can be a huge asset to any attorney. Most intelligent attorneys who interview me realize that.

So... onward. I am not sitting around weeping and wailing. I am staying busy. There are lots of things to do around my house between now and day 1 of my next position, whenever that may be. Mother pays most of the household bills and I have some savings, so we will be OK financially.

However...

I would appreciate prayers and/or positive thoughts sent my way.Can't hurt. Might help.

Happy Autumn Equinox!

Overwhelmed

I get hits every day on a post I did a couple of years ago about cultural differences between Russia and America. I'm a little sorry I did that post, for two reasons. One, the title is pompous and overblown. I simply made a few observations. Two, a lot of Russians take issue with what I said. So I may remove it. Not sure yet.

The point I was trying to make is simply that my daughter and other older children adopted from Russia have a huge amount of adjusting to do. When my friend Pasha visited a couple of years ago, he was in his late 20's and very mature, but even HE was overwhelmed by American culture.

It's so hard for an American who hasn't traveled to contemplate how differently we live from most of the other folks in the world. 

When was the last time you walked on a typical city sidewalk in the springtime and had to be careful not to step on dead animals or in a flow of filthy water? My daughter remembers as a small child seeing used condoms and hypodermic needles on the sidewalk of her tiny village in a remote part of Russia.

My son was sent out late at night, alone, at 5 or 6 years old, to buy vodka for his mother. Shopkeepers would sell to him at that age.

A friend of mine has an adopted daughter from Ukraine who was forced to go out at age 4 and steal money and buy vodka for her father. If she didn't steal enough, he would make her kneel for hours without moving. Is it any wonder she has severe issues now as a teen?

I am not trying to say kids from Russia or the former USSR countries are inherently more damaged than American kids. There are plenty of American children who live lives of similar horrors every day. I am simply observing that for my kids, they have had to get used to a totally different culture, plus the expectations of family and school, and it can be quite overwhelming at times.

The past 8 years have been a constant learning process for me, as well as my kids. Sometimes I am overwhelmed, trying to figure out how best to parent them, and help them.

I have tried to be fairly circumspect about my son Michael's background, mainly just because he seems to have suffered few, if any, long-lasting effects from his years of being hungry and neglected and/or abused. There are still some lingering aftereffects, though.

Michael shuts down if he is given too many choices.

Right after he came here, I took him to Target to get him some clothes. We walked around and looked, found things in his size, and I said to him, in Russian, it's OK, choose. He looked a bit, but then just sat down on the floor and curled into a fetal position and refused to talk, or look at anything. After a few minutes of coaxing, we just left the store.He had never in his life seen so many choices. It was too stressful. In the orphanage, kids are typically given one set of clothes per week, and they wear them all week.

Stores in his part of Kazakhstan might have 5% as many kids clothes as store here. He could never have even imagined a store like Target until he came to America.

That was years ago. He doesn't do that now, of course. We went to Old Navy not long ago, though, and he simply refused to choose anything.

He wears a lot of plain white tee shirts now because he doesn't then have to coordinate an outfit. I don't bug him about that choice. He will put on nicer clothes when we are going somewhere like out to dinner, or to see relatives.

My friend Cindy has many more adopted children than I do, and some of her children have quite serious issues, but I get a lot out of reading her blog. Kids whose parents self-medicate with drugs and alcohol produce offspring that are damaged to begin with, then go through more trauma, and we wonder why the prisons are full? We wonder why so many kids are in foster care? We wonder why the cycle continues?

I don't have any keen observations to share here, just that if I could wave a magic wand somehow, I would try to get healing for all the kids in foster care, and all the adopted kids who struggle between cultures.

Despite all their early neglect and abuse, my kids are resilient and strong, and I have high hopes for them. If nothing else, they have a mama, granny, and uncle who love them 100%, and want only good things for them.

You may be thinking, I cannot save the world, or all the kids out there. I used to think that, too. But then I saved two. Think how much better our world would be if we could all commit to just trying to help ONE child? Just one?

Journal Days

I never think much about how old I am until I run into someone I knew years ago.Then I think about myself as I was when I was around that person all the time, and it boggles my mind how old I am now.

I caught up recently with a lady that I knew in my very first job when I was 17 years old. Found her on Facebook. Her brother has been a Facebook friend for a good little time now, but I didn't connect the two of them until I saw her comment on something he posted.

My very first real job was as a Copy Clerk at the Knoxville Journal, in 1979. It was a great job for a teenager. I got to walk all over downtown Knoxville, drive the company cars occasionally, and learn how a daily newspaper works. I helped the reporters sometimes. I got to sit through a City Council meeting once. I even got to write some stories and see them published.

Of course, now when I look at the clippings of my stories and note the paper is now yellowed, then I REALLY feel old. LOL

I had to park on the Church Street bridge every day, in my old car, and I learned parallel parking the hard way - in the middle of downtown traffic.

I can still see the newsroom, and tell you where everyone sat, and I can hear the voices of the reporters in my head. Sometimes I dream I am back there.

The reporters all cussed like sailors. I have never before or since worked in a place with such colorful curse words flying about all the time. I was impressionable and it started me to cussing, unfortunately, as I was trying to be "cool." The first time I let fly with a few choice words at home, around my parents, my mother was furious and my dad laughed.

In a way, it was good training to be a paralegal. I was taught that I had to be very thorough and precise in what I did. I went to the courthouse and got lists of all the folks who got married, real estate transfers, and divorces [I think], for a little column called I See By The Journal. Sometimes the women who got married already had 3 or 4 last names. There was a justice of the peace, a fat old guy with a carnation in his lapel, who roamed the halls of the old courthouse marrying people. He looked sort of cartoonish but he was really sweet.

In September 1979, there was a gunman who took hostages in a building right across the street from ours, and held them at gunpoint for several hours. (I found a link to it!) I think he even had the mayor's wife hostage, or perhaps that was just a rumor. His big mistake was in being in that building, because our photographers were sneaking around getting photos of him, and the police were on him immediately.

The Journal is no longer in existence, unfortunately.This is one of the few photos of me from high school: [in costume for a play]

Dreams for My Children

Michael is taking a class in early childhood education, which we simply call "Childcare," and he is enjoying it. The teacher gives a lot of homework but it's not too heavy-duty. [BTW, We thought he was signing up for a computer class, and he ended up in the childcare class, but so be it...LOL]

Today, Michael said "Mom, I have to interview you." So the interview questions and answers are below. When he got to the last question, I started crying. Such a heavy question-  what are my dreams for you?

Wow.

I have the same thoughts for BOTH my children, BTW.

Parent Interview

1.      What should I know about my family heritage and background?

Well, you are adopted from Kazakhstan. We really don’t know your family heritage and background. We know you are part Russian and part Kazakh. When you get older maybe you can research and find out more, if you go back to the village where you were born.

2.      What family traditions and customs would you like to see me pass on to future generations?

I would like to see you continue to help people in need. Take food to your friends and neighbors when there is sickness or a death in the family. Babysit for friends when they need a break. Keep Christmas a low-key, family holiday. Eat dinner with your family at home at least 5 nights a week. Pray before meals and ask God to help you every day. Tell the people you love that you love them, every day. [I hear James Taylor singing "Shower the people you love with love..." ;-)

3.      In what ways do you think my family of the future will be different from your family growing up?

Your family will have a lot more automated stuff, like computerized kitchens and houses, I bet. When I was a kid we didn’t even have a microwave or a machine to play movies. I hope you will still encourage your kids to get outside and play sports.

4.      Do you hope that I marry someday? When? Why?

I hope you marry when you are emotionally ready. That might be when you are 21, or it might be when you are 40. I want you to have a loving, supportive wife, who will be there for you when I am gone. I actually pray about that.

5.      Do you hope that I have children? How many? When?

I see how wonderful you are with babies and children, how gentle, and I know you will make a terrific dad one day. I hope you and your wife have as many as you want, at least 2 though. I look forward to being a fun granny.

6.      What advice would you give me about raising my children?

I would tell you to set firm boundaries for them. Make them behave and be respectful of others, and know good manners. Don’t hit them or spank them. You can guide most kids with a firm but loving hand. Pay attention to your kids. Talk to them, and really listen to their replies. Children are a gift from God.

7.      What are your concerns for me as an adult?

I want you to do work that you love, not just work for a paycheck. Learn to manage your emotions and not get too angry and frustrated. Learn the fine art of forgiveness, because otherwise YOU will suffer, not the person who wronged you.

8.      What advice would you give me for securing a happy family?

Work together. Hug each other. Tell each other you love each other. Listen. Teach your children to be responsible and kind.

9.      How do you picture yourself in my future adult life?

My first response: I want a beautifully decorated room in YOUR house, and to be waited on hand and foot! HAHAHAHA - just kidding...

I want to live not too far from you, and I want to see you as often as possible, maybe for Sunday dinner. I want your kids to love coming to my house.

10.  What are your dreams for me?

There are so many dreams I have for you, Michael!

I want you to love God and to seek him out in all things, every day.

I dream that you will never know hunger or poverty, or unkindness.

I dream that you will be proud of who you are, a Russian/Kazakh/American man.

I dream that you will have friends who are there for you for many, many years, and you will make new friends easily.

I dream that you will pay attention to little things, like: a spider building his web, or how the dog loves a belly rub, or how wonderful it feels to sleep on clean sheets in a cool room. [These are all things he notices now, and I never want him to lose that sense of wonder.]

I dream that even after I am gone, you will still hear my voice in your head, and we will still visit with each other in your dreams.

I dream that you will master the art of loving your friends and family well, and not be afraid or embarrassed to show them and tell them that you love them.  

I forgot to put this, but I will tell him: stay close to your sister, no matter how apart you are physically. She will be around long after I am gone. Siblings make life so much better, if you stay close.

[I got verklempt just re-reading that! Talk amongst yourselves...]

If you are feeling mellow, or you want to feel that way [LOL] listen to my all-time fave singer, James Taylor, singing my philosophy of life:

 

Envy

That green-eyed monster, envy, is alive and well in me. Oy! [Wait a minute, that's jealousy... oops. Oh well. They are both monsters..]

I just noticed a friend of mine on Facebook said she lived in Italy for several years. I am SO jealous! I've always wanted to go to Italy. I studied Italian in college, and actually learned enough to where I could read in the language.

Well, I read "Pinocchio" in Italian. Laugh if you want to; it's a tough read!

My French is barely there since I last studied it in high school. My Russian is just a lot of "mommy" words and phrases. Italian is my best language by far. I can still remember how to conjugate verbs.

And then of course, there's the food of Italy, which I've always wanted to try. Be still my heart...

More envy: another old friend from high school has the most precious little baby granddaughter. She posts cute photos of her all the time. It feels so strange to think I have friends my own age who are grandparents.

In fact, I sort of hope my kids don't make me a grandmother any time soon.... not until they are settled down and able to fully support themselves. Mike still has to finish high school!

We got his first progress report yesterday - all A's and B's. Of course, there were no grades for Biology or Geography, because he still doesn't have a regular teacher in either class. He's had a series of substitutes and they've been doing busy work for five weeks! The whole situation just irritates me. The school system is in a bad mess budget-wise. I've been assured that teachers are being hired, finally.

And speaking of envy, I kinda envy people who don't have to get up at 6 a.m. I do, because I have to make sure Mike gets on the bus at 7:20....

Happy Tuesday!

Nuts and Blimps

Yesterday was far more productive than Saturday, but I had nowhere to go but up. I went to Kroger, paid bills, did laundry, and made a fruit salad.

Now, you may be thinking, what's the big deal about fruit salad? Here's the deal. Mother's fruit salad is delicioso; it includes grapes, pineapple, orange sections, and nuts. All mixed together with sour cream, fresh lime juice, and a little sugar. The toasted pecans really make it good.

Michael loves toasted pecans.

See where I'm going here?!

I toasted twice as many as I thought I'd need. I put them on the kitchen counter to cool while Mother and I worked on bills. Michael smelled the nuts. He comes to the kitchen.

So I am sitting at the kitchen table trying to pay bills, watch Michael trying to sneak nuts every chance he can get, and keep an eye on Coco.

That was an epic fail. Coco was having what we call an "Erp day" and ended up erping on MY FOOT. Fortuntately, it just got on my toes. And I have a strong stomach. Takes more than a little dog puke to gross me out.

Then I walked outside the put the bills in the mailbox and my friend Melanie drove by, so I chatted with her for a while. I finally told her about making the salad and she said "You better get back in there! I bet Michael has eaten all the nuts!" 

OMG!

I raced inside. There were some nuts left. I dumped them into the fruit salad.

After all the activity yesterday, dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich and fruit salad. Nobody complained.

When Mike and I were out running errands we saw this amazing blimp up in the sky. It was so pretty - mostly blue and white. Advertised MetLife. When we got home it was low and over the house! I frantically grabbed my phone for a photo. Didn't turn out well but here it is anyway:

Looks sort of like a torpedo dropping out of the sky, huh?!

Elva's Fruit Salad

 Mix: 1 cup sour cream, 1/4 cup sugar, and juice of 1/2 lime until sugar is dissolved, and taste -  it should be quite tart so add more lime juice if you need. Next, fold in 1 cup miniature marshmallows, and 1 lg. can mandarin oranges, drained, 1 tall can pineapple tidbits, drained, then 2 cups washed, seedless grapes. Fold fruit into the cream mix. Cover and chill til ready to serve.

 Just before serving , fold in 1 cup toasted pecans or walnuts, lightly salted

Old Cars

Sometimes on Saturdays I find myself just needing to chill out and do nothing. Yesterday was such a day. My back was hurting, which also made me less inclined to do much.

I did get to the pool late yesterday afternoon, and that was relaxing, and good for my back. I either walked or swam ten laps.

Unfortunately, this is the last weekend the pool is open.

Mike has expressed an interest in antique cars, as I mentioned recently, but it's hard to find ways to help him get educated about old cars, other than the monthly Tucker gathering. Looks like most old car museums in the south are located in Florida. I was able to order a program on Netflix called Automotive Museums: Halls of Horsepower, which we watched last night. It featured the Lemay car collection, which is amazing.

I wished we lived closer to the Lemay Car Museum. What a fascinating place. My cousin Bill lives in Tacoma. Maybe I could save up the money to send Michael out there sometime and he could go to the museum.

Colton was over last night, but he mostly just lounged around. He ran a cross country track meet yesterday and Melanie said he was wiped out afterwards. I think he's still growing, too. Mike was not in a great mood, so I was hoping having Colton over would cheer him up.They got into sort of a contest to see who could eat the most Flaming Hot Cheetos. Poor Colton had to keep leaving the room to go blow his nose.

Michael left his favorite cap at the tennis court Friday night and someone took it. He was totally bummed out. I pointed out that he has a lot of other hats in his room, but he was not appeased. He's very particular about the style, the color, the shape of the brim. I don't get it. Must be a boy thing.

That's about all I know. Today will be grocery buying and bill paying day. Oh joy...

I Will Survive, and Thrive

Yesterday was the DAY FROM HELL but I can't blog about why. I was having quite the personal little Pity Party last night but you know what? This morning I am turning a corner. I am NOT letting my crappy Friday spoil my weekend.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." - Eleanor Roosevelt

That is one of my favorite quotes. It was on the fridge when I was a kid. Eleanor was right. I do not have to allow someone else's negativity to put me into a foul humor. The person who spoiled my day yesterday is childish and manipulative and I DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY THOSE GAMES.

I am better than that. I am stronger than that.

OMG, the silly disco song I Will Survive just popped into my head.

When I look back on the past year and a half of my life, I can only shake my head in amazement that I am not in a loony bin or drinking myself to death. My daughter's wild behavior. Financial problems. Back problems just this past summer. Through it all, I clung to the supportive people around me, and learned, yet again who are my real friends.

Going forward, I am going to focus on being positive. I am not going to let setbacks rock my world. I am going to be the best mother/daughter/friend/cousin I can be.

I am going to let God or karma or fate or whatever you want to call it deal with my enemies. The bible says it best - you reap what you sow.

Here endeth the lesson.

Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

Y'all have a good weekend.

In my mind, I will be at the beach today...

Mom Goals

I don't have much time to blog. I was helping Michael with homework by 6:30 this morning. We couldn't get it done last night. Really tired. By Thursdays, most weeks, he is worn out.

Mike plays two sports, tennis and wrestling. That's it. Two activities. I don't know how parents with more than one kid in several activities do it.

I've often wondered if I could write a convincing letter to apply for a job as a Project Manager. I manage multiple projects ALL DAY LONG. So do most moms.

I thought it might be interesting to look at some of my goals, as a mom. See how you compare. Every family operates differently, of course, but I think all good families have a lot of similarities.

GOAL: Meals. I try to make a hot meal, from scratch, at least 4 days a week. I usually meet that goal.

GOAL: Temper control. I try not to blow up and yell at Michael. I have managed to meet this goal about 90% of the time recently. I do occasionally get irritated and raise my voice. Doesn't do any good. In fact, just the opposite. Case in point: after I picked him up from wrestling practice yesterday I had to run to the bank, then home. I went through a drive-thru and got him a milkshake. He was taking the top off of it and it spilled. It made him so furious, he jumped out of the car. Fortunately, I had pulled over. He fumed and stormed around for 5 minutes. When we finally got back on track I said to him "I got you the shake because when you don't get a good snack, you often blow up in a terrible temper over something really minor. I was trying to avoid exactly what happened." He sat in the backseat and sulked and wouldn't say a word a the way home.After he finally consumed the shake, he was fine.

Getting a handle on anger issues is SO important. I will talk to him about this some more when he is calm.

GOAL: Finding time for me every day. This is tough. On Wednesday, I wanted to put on my iPod and go to walk. Michael wanted to walk, too. So my "me" time turned into "us" time. I am pleased he even wants to be seen around me, since he is 16, and it's not "cool" to be seen as hanging out all the time with Mom. I do wish I had a little more time to myself each day. Right now blogging is my main "me" time.

GOAL: Giving my kids the conviction of how important it is to be educated. Michael is trying to get onboard. Taking him to Athens and letting him tour a college campus last spring was a great motivational tool. I highly recommend it. I still need to impress on him the importance of doing homework. And, dare I say it, my wayward daughter may be getting her GED, finally. She texted Michael and said she was studying for it. I hope she is, and she passes it. There's no reason for her not to go on and get some more education and a decent job. She's smart enough.

GOAL: Keeping the house reasonably clean. This is my weak spot, but I try.

GOAL: Faith. I almost said "religion" but that's not nearly so important as Faith. You can live without religion quite easily, but I think it's very important to have a true and real faith in God. That means being able to keep him in mind even when things in your life are in chaos.

I have found that people who make a big deal out of going to church every time the doors are open are often desperately seeking God, but not finding real faith, which is a shame. My mother has such a friend. She knows the bible backwards and forwards but has no actual faith in the Lord.

GOAL: Humor. Laughing when things are tough. Finding humor even in bad times is what keeps me going. We even found funny stuff to laugh at when my dad was sick with cancer. Sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps you from crying. Laughing is better. That's my mother's credo, and she taught me well. I find myself often cracking jokes or making funny offhand remarks even in the darkest of times.

So what are your main goals as a mom?

This is a drawing Alesia did of our family right before she came home in 2004. Notice I am in the forefront!

Baby Love

Watching someone interact with a dog or a baby is an instant way to figure out whether or not they have a good heart. I've known this for a long time.

I have never raised a child from infancy but I'd been around babies plenty of times. I know the basics of their care. I know that it can be quite exhausting when you're a mom to a newborn. So when my neighbor across the street had her baby Tuesday morning I planned to take supper over to them. Last night after work I spent a good bit of time in the kitchen, making chicken and noodles to take over. I also washed some fresh asparagus and marinated it and took it over.

I was trying to make a lot, because the new baby is child #4, so there are lots of folks to feed over there. I could barely lift the dish. So Michael walked with me and carried it.

When we got there, Rosie [14 year old big sister] was carrying the baby around and showed him off to us. "Look at his little hands!" Michael exclaimed.

He had never held a tiny baby before. I don't know if I have ever held one that was two days old. So this is little Henry:

Mike's face was in shadow, so I got another one that's a bit better:

Isn't that the sweetest thing?!

He told me as we were walking back home "I was so afraid to hold him, afraid I would drop him, but then I didn't want to give him back!" As long as I live, I will treasure the memory of Michael and the look of pure delight on his face as he looked at that baby. He is going to make such a good daddy one day.

And I got to [indirectly] feed little Henry.

Life is good.

Oh, a quick little funny story. When we got home, Michael was showing Granny the photos on my phone and they were chatting. I was in the other room. Mother said to Michael "You know, your mother is a really good person."

Without missing a beat, Michael retorted "You're just now figuring that out?!" He wasn't being snotty. Mom thought it was funny. He's been making jokes in English since an hour after he came to America.

LOL