I always strive to be a nice person. I really do. I am far from perfect, but I try to be kind and generous. I try to listen. If I fall short I try to improve.
However, there are days when I am just totally puzzled by how people view me. Apparently there are some people out there who think I am a jerk.
I saw a lady at work the other day, in the building lobby, that I used to know. I'll call her Janey. We had worked at the same law firm years ago. We had socialized outside of work numerous times. I looked at her as she walked by me the other day, and as soon as it registered who she was, I was tempted to turn around and hurry after her and say Hi, so nice to see you, we work in the same building now, we should have lunch.
Then I remembered that the last time I saw Janey, some years ago, we had a chance meeting at a store. She acted like she barely knew me. I had made a point of going up to her and saying Hi, and she just sort of nodded and turned away, very coldly. I later sent her an email and asked her why she had acted that way, and to please call me.
She never did. I didn't call her because my feelings were hurt. I felt like she should apologize. Obviously she felt differently. [FYI, I'm not revealing her name for reasons of privacy.]
I later talked to another co-worker who said she had thought they were good friends, but Janey never called her either. Ever. She had to initiate all socializing, and found Janie's actions upsetting. So apparently this is a pattern with Janey. That should have made me feel better, but it didn't.
Then today I had an email from an old friend I haven't heard from in a while, saying I had written hurtful things about her on my blog, which totally startled me. I went back and pulled all my posts where I had ever mentioned her [there are only about 3] and re-read them. I didn't write anything mean, that I could discern. In fact, I thought what I had written was nice. I just pulled the posts down and apologized. I couldn't think what else to do. I am utterly puzzled.
Had an email a couple of weeks ago from another old friend who said I had said mean things to her years ago. There again, I was totally floored. I had no recollection of that. I certainly never meant to hurt her feelings.
Maybe the trouble is a lack of communication.I have always maintained that most of the world's problems could be solved if people would just communicate better. Say what you mean. Strive to communicate clearly. Don't leave hurtful or negative things unsaid. Just get them out in the open. Put the negative stuff on the table and process it.
I keep wondering if the problem is the old adage "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." That was certainly drilled into my head as a child.
Maybe what we should tell kids instead is something like, "If you can't say something nice, at least try to not say things that are hurtful. Talk about your feelings, and strive for meaningful dialogue instead of building up silent resentments." Of course, that's not short and pithy like "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."
Most of my friends stay friends with me, for years and years. We have disagreements. We snap and fuss at each other sometimes. But we stay friends. That's how human beings keep long relationships, I am convinced. I'm sure that's how long-married people keep it going, too - not letting anger build up. Otherwise you would be miserable, right? [Clearly since I've never been married I am just guessing here.]
In any event, I guess the takeaway is that I should talk less and listen more. Or I should find friends that are better at communicating.
[BTW, I know this is a pretty obscure post but I am just trying to work out my feelings, not spread more negative vibes.]
Or maybe I should just not grieve over relationships that don't work out. Not everyone is meant to be in my life forever.
I saw something on Facebook recently that illustrates this. It went something like: "The people in your life are there for a reason. Either they are a blessing or a lesson."
Food for thought.
Here endeth the lesson.