I wanted to share two funny things, a letter to Santa, and a Lewis Black rant about cellphones. If you're easily offended by bad language, sorry.
Timmy Writes a Christmas Letter
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like
a Kinect for X-Box 360, Call of Duty Black Ops 2 and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope
you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all
the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want
you to get fat. Since you have indeed been
a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and
play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you
I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't
you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who
goes out once a year is rather ridiculous?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of merchandise. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however,
that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister
Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only
improve your health, but also improve your social skills
and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom
of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to
be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're
gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm
taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.
WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world
on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He
sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound
familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources
I have at my disposal. I got your s*** wired, Jack. I go all around the
world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now,
you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your
mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked
for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your
ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
