Wow, what an awful morning I had. Had to be at the hospital at 8 in the a.m. - an hour which I am normally drinking tea and leisurely perusing my breakfast choices, patting the dog, walking outside, etc. This morning I had to shower, dress, eat a quick breakfast, kiss Michael goodbye, and jump in the car.
Used to be, you'd have to check into the hospital the night before a procedure. Not any more. However, I had to go to my pre-procedure hospital visit and fill out forms, pee in a cup, sign things, give blood, and have an EKG. Doesn't sound bad, does it?
Honey, it was no picnic.
It took FOUR HOURS and I forgot to take a book. I had to read old copies of Sports Illustrated and Family Circle. I don't like to even touch anything in any hospital because I am a junior level germaphobe [thanks to my mother and grandmother] but I didn't sleep well last night, and I was afraid if I didn't read I'd fall sound asleep.I had to keep dashing into the bathroom to wash my hands.
I also learned that my crappy insurance isn't paying for a large chunk of this. I may have to make a cardboard sign and go pester people at intersections.
So everything is set for tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it about as much as a root canal.
At least during my last surgery [wisdom teeth pulled in 2000] I was promised milkshakes and ice cream afterwards. And the surgery before that I got ice cream - of course I was 10 and it was a tonsillectomy.
Now I am 50 and my body is reminding me it has an expiration date. Ugh.
I still want the ice cream.
I should be home before lunch. I intend to set up camp on the downstairs sofa and watch chick flicks and snooze all afternoon, and maybe my brother will go get me a milkshake. I can hope.
Anyway, here's a funny from Maxine, if you want a laugh:
As
we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little
chance of recovery.
I
can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I
have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about
rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy
fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer
doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks
for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks
to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites
my butt.
And
thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped
in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If
you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A
German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with
their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.S.
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY... !!
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