An attorney friend texted me yesterday and asked me to spend some time at the hospital with her, notarizing some documents for her client. It wasn't how I wanted to spend my Saturday. Not at all. But I thought, what if that was my dad in the hospital, or my husband? What if I really needed help? I would be so, so grateful to someone who would help me when things really seemed bleak.
In the end, I was glad to go and know that I could do something to help these folks. I had never met them before, but before we left I hugged them.Sometimes people just need hugs.
We were in and out in a couple of hours. We had the easy part.
I have been at the hospital for countless hours, worried and upset. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to worry about your mom, and how she will manage without her partner of 40 years. I know how it feels to stand by helplessly watching someone you love die. I know that terrible agony.
Some families fly apart in the face of a crisis. They cannot control their emotions. They cannot focus on what's really important because they can't manage their own personal issues.
The family I met yesterday showed incredible grace under fire. They were calm and composed. There was no drama. It was clear they were upset, but they handled it beautifully.
When my dad died in 1996 I remember the lady priest being at our house after the funeral and saying she had never seen a family closer than us. I'm talking about my aunts, uncles, cousins - all of us. We may go for long periods of time without seeing each other. We may disagree about politics, sports, even religion. But when something terrible happens, we are there for each other.
This is what family is all about.
I want to know if one of my cousins is having a hard time. I want to help, if possible.
I grew up with parents who stepped in to help their family and their friends, whether it was easy or convenient or not.
I've watched my mother cook herself into exhaustion, freezing food to "take to people" later. Maybe the neighbor can't deal with making dinner when they get home from a long day of hospital sitting - Elva will be there with hot soup. Maybe moving day is totally exhausting and you don't know where the nearest pizza place is, but Tony and Elva walk in with dinner already made. Maybe your husband just died and you can't think what to do or where to turn, but Tony and Elva are there, taking over and making things OK.
Those are the scenarios I observed over and over, as a child. My parents had a lot of flaws, but they went out of their way to help people, always - sometimes people they barely knew.
My uncle was in Italy on sabbatical years ago and had an issue with transferring money to a bank over there. He called my dad. My dad worked at a bank, but it wasn't easy or quick to help -- but he did it. No questions asked. Another time he dropped everything and went to help his other brother with a family crisis. My mother flew to her brother's house to help when his wife had a death in her family.
When I was having back issues last summer, I called my brother and cried on the phone, I was in such pain. He was there in a matter of hours.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, because there is a family member in a crisis that I learned of recently, but she won't reach out to me. It's a tricky situation though. I can't just go in and help. It's very frustrating [and un-bloggable, sorry].
So I think maybe God knew of my quandary, and knew I needed to do something, for somebody. I think that's why I spent some time at the hospital yesterday. I felt good when I got home. I felt like I had really accomplished something yesterday.
The Rolling Stones sang it: "You can't always get what you want. But you get what you need."
If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.
~Henry David Thoreau
