The Crab Chronicles

Twenty Questions With Cindy Bodie

Sometime around 2006 or thereabouts, I was still reading a lot of adoption websites every day, and I stumbled across a blog called Big Mama Hollers, written by Cindy Bodie. Cindy is a retired school librarian who gave birth to one child and went on to adopt 38 more.

I became hooked on Cindy’s blog, because she writes honestly and passionately about her day to day life. She doesn't realize how much an influence she has had on so many moms. She helps me cope with being an adoptive mom - I have thought many times, "What would Cindy do here?!"

She decided in the 80’s that God had called her to adopt large sibling groups, the sorts of kids who always get separated in foster care. Her great love for her sister and brothers made her particularly compassionate towards sibling groups. Her first adoptions were 3 sisters in Honduras, her only foreign adoption. Many of her other children have come from foster care in Texas, and are also Hispanic. One of her daughters had turbulent teen/young adult years and gave birth to three children - and Cindy adopted them and raised them from birth. All her other adopted children came to her as toddlers or older, some as old as 10 or 12.

Cindy has incredible energy, and farms her acreage with zeal, composting and mulching, and doing most of the work herself. Unlike me, she actually LIKES weeding. She doesn’t use pesticides, so everything she grows is organic.

Most of her children are very sweet kids, who have thrived under Cindy’s care. Some had very serious mental health issues and Cindy eventually had to seek outside help for their issues.

Despite the fact we have never met in person, I feel a kinship with Cindy. She has let me call her and cry on her shoulder over my daughter. She has encouraged me on the phone and by email. Being an adoptive mom is exhausting and mind-boggling sometimes, especially when one adopts older and/or traumatized children. Cindy understands and empathizes. She belongs to a network of moms and we are like war veterans, sharing a unique bond.

Cindy is a passionate gardener, a vegan, and she writes a lot about environmental issues and reducing one’s carbon footprint. She lives in rural Georgia, not too far from me. I hope one day to meet her in person, when our lives have calmed down a bit.

 

1. What is your full name? Cynthia with no middle name.  
2. Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world?  Here  - but I'd drag a beach right up next to my 36 acres
3. What is your favorite movie and why?  Don't have one, no time, less interest in sitting still for two interminable hours.
4. What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid? Math and science - ironically now my favorites.
5. What was your nickname when you were a kid? “Cindy” -  my brothers might say 'Bossy Cindy'
6. Do you believe in God?  Duh.  I mean YES!
7. What sound or noise do you love? Late evening rural bugs and frogs calling out, birds singing, and the rustling of the pampas grass plus, of course, the waves crashing at the ocean.
8. If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be?  Nothing, I just wanna farm, but I'd have been a great cop also - or so say my young'uns. 
9. If heaven exists, what do you think it is like? Indescribable and smelling like gardenias.
10. Do you have siblings? Two darling brothers, ages 55 and almost 58.  My sister would've been 57 but she passed away fro cancer 17 years ago.
11.  What is your favorite memory of childhood [something specific]?  Hanging with my grandparents, putting pennies on the railroad track, playing in the woods and creeks, going to the beach, camping, playing kick the can or kickball, riding my Murray bike with its big turquoise basket that carried a ton of library books.
12. If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why?  Europe, I've never been there, but I'd prefer the warmer European counties like Spain, Italy and Portugal and I'd eat all day long.
13. What inspires you?  People who've done extraordinary things, or who have overcome obstacles, or just listening to Southern country Gospel music while weeding, planting or working outside.
14. Which holiday do you prefer, Christmas or July 4th? July 4th.  Christmas is in a cold month, and the materialism and mindless consumerism repels me.
15. What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now?  Anything to promote sustainability for our earth such as organic farming.
16. Do you know how to cook? Yep, for crowds. [She still has more than 10 kids at home]
17. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat?  Frijoles of all types. [beans, y’all]
18. What is your favorite book?  Clearly The Bible, but also anything by Dave Ramsey, or other personal finance gurus.
19. Who do you love the most in the world?  My mom, my siblings, my children, my grandchildren, other family members, and all my dogs.
20. What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer? Can't think of any....

  Cindy and most of her kids, from a few years ago. [Click to enlarge]

Friday Thoughts

Labor Day weekend hasn't really even started and already there is a big accident on I-285, blocking the highway. Glad I do not have to get on there. It's bad enough just with normal traffic. There are websites devoted to how bad the traffic is around here.

Makes working from home a very attractive option...

This will be an Odds & Ends post, as there is not really a long coherent post floating around in my head.

I am excited at the thought of starting a website for parents, to help them figure out what issues their child has and how/where to get help. I decided to focus on issues that are effectively "invisible" - like PTSD, CAPD, Sensory issues, learning disabilities. Most parents have no idea how these manifest, and when their child can't learn or can't behave, the parents are totally bewildered. I know this firstand. BTDT.

There are websites that address all these issues, of course, but they are not always easy to navigate, and the information isn't always easy to read. I want to err on the side of being too simple, as in "If your child exhibits THIS and THIS and THIS behavior, she may have _______." Then give them lists of places that do testing and treatment. I know this type of website would be useful.

I am pondering whether to try and start a nonprofit, to see if I can raise money for this, or just fly by the seat of my pants and see what happens. There are pros and cons both ways.

I took a fairly decent shot of Michael in his nice clothes he wore for picture day at school the other day.

I was not in favor of the white tennis shoes, but he has PE so I didn't fuss about it.

The concession stand at the pool is open this weekend, but it's the last weekend for the pool. Michael is working tomorrow afternoon and Sunday afternoon, to get in some hours. The weather is in the mid to upper 80's but there is a 50% chance of rain Sunday and Monday.

Michael isn't thrilled about working all weekend but he needs to make some more $$ to get the Mazda fixed up so he can drive it.

We started watching a funny movie last night, The Sapphires. Really interesting film. Not for younger kids. Nothing particularly graphic, but really engaging film.It came out last year and didn't do any business. It deserves to be seen, however, so I am trying to help things. If you love comedy, music from the 60's, and you don't mind a little history lesson, watch The Sapphires.

The only bad thing about watching this right before bed is that everybody in my dreams talked with an Australian accent....

This is the trailer:

 

 

Mothering Kids With Disabilities

Being a mother is tough. Unless you are wealthy and can afford servants and nannies, it's also exhausting. If you are the mother of a special needs child, it's ten times harder.

I was inspired to write this post by this blog from a special needs mom.

You have to be your child's guardian angel, counselor, coach, tutor, and most important - his advocate.

I've encountered people who thought I was being silly, ridiculous, overly picky, and every other adjective - because I was trying to look out for my kids. Yet, they didn't try to mother special needs children. They had NO IDEA what we face every day.

Most folks have no idea how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting it is to parent a child who is special needs. 

I always tell people I have two special needs kids. Michael's special need - his missing hand - is the easier thing to manage. My daughter's issues [PTSD, Auditory Processing issues, probable ADHD and mild FAS] were much more difficult. I take comfort and inspiration from fellow adoptive moms like Cindy Bodie.She truly understands - her kids, most of them, have a lot of diagnoses, too. She often talks about how her kids are attractive and usually well behaved, but their early trauma left so much residual damage.

I found out the other day from my friend Kristy that my daughter's Central Auditory Processing Disorder should have meant she had a 504 plan for school. Instead, she had an IEP. If she had had the 504 plan, I would've been able to get better accommodations for her in school. She failed some classes because some of the teachers didn't care about her issues, and weren't willing to adjust anything to help her in the classroom. But during 2006-2010 when I was dealing with it all, I didn't know that.

I am struggling with feeling bad about this. When I allow myself to think about it, I cry. I was truly doing my best for my daughter, trying and trying to help her. Yet I failed.

Perhaps if Alesia had not failed some classes, if school had been less stressful, she might have stayed away from drugs. She might not have had such severe emotional issues. If I had just fought harder, maybr found a different therapist, maybe we wouldn't be estranged now. I have not seen my daughter in more than two years. Drugs have wrecked our relationship.

Everyone says "You did your best, that's all anyone could have done." Yes. That's true. I felt like I did my best. I took her to therapy. I tried to help her with schoolwork. I tried to re-teach things she didn't understand. I struggled for balance with her issues and Michael's issues.

Adopting a 13 year old who spoke no English was a huge challenge. HUGE. Add in a complete lack of knowledge of how to be a "normal" American kid, and a lot of trust issues.

She didn't know how to be my kid and I struggled equally hard to be a good mom. Most of the time, when I tried to talk to her, she mentally zoned out. It was a reflex, the therapist said. When Alesia is stressed or hearing something she doesn't like, she goes almost catatonic. She doesn't later recall anything that was said. Telling her things over and over didn't help. It was years before I realized it.

 

Michael is by far the easier child to manage, but he still requires a lot of mothering. Example - Last night at 10 p.m. I was informed that he had no soap in his bathroom, and no dental floss. When I was 17 I would've simply told Mom I needed soap before the bar disappeared, and she would've gotten it at the store. Michael pays no attention to such boring details of life.Maybe that's just boy. I don't know. But it means there is still work to be done, teaching moments left, in abundance.

 

I was telling a friend last night, I wish there was a website where parents could figure out their child's issues, and have resources.

There would be lists of behaviors that you could see, to see if your child has an Auditory Processing Disorder, or Sensory Issues, or even Autism. There would be links to other websites, lists of therapists, even a directory of education law attorneys in each state.There would be local chapters of support groups.

There would be a section for teachers, ideas to help them understand how to help the special needs child in the classroom.

There would be clear explanations of 504 plans and IEPs.

The hope would be for the website to be a real community of help and support for all moms and dads of all kids with special needs.

I haven't figured out how to make this dream a reality, but I am working on it.

I am motivated by my own difficult journey, the one I am still on. Ten years ago, I didn't know how to parent children who had been in orphanages, who had been traumatized, who needed a lot of TLC. I had to figure everything out on my own. I thought some days I was going crazy. I was always tired. I was always being pulled in so many directions. I had no time for my own friends, or interests. 

I would like to make things easier for others.

If you have any thoughts on this, please feel free to leave me a comment.

Twenty Questions With Mardi Jo Link

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the car, listening to NPR, and there was an interview with Mardi Jo Link, author of a new memoir, Bootstrapper. I pulled the car over and just sat and listened to her talk about trying to keep her farm when she got divorced and how difficult it was that first year.

This is from the Amazon page, about the book:

She and her husband of nineteen years have just called it quits, leaving her with serious cash-flow problems and a looming divorce. More broke than ever, Link makes a seemingly impossible resolution: to hang on to her century-old farmhouse in northern Michigan and continue to raise her three boys on well water and wood chopping and dirt. Armed with an unfailing sense of humor and three resolute accomplices, Link confronts blizzards and foxes, learns about Zen divorce and the best way to butcher a hog, dominates a zucchini-growing contest and wins a year’s supply of local bread, masters the art of bargain cooking, wrangles rampaging poultry, and withstands any blow to her pride in order to preserve the life she wants.

As I listened to the interview, I knew I had to order the book and read it. I love memoirs by moms. I ordered it from Amazon that day. A single mom to three boys, trying to grow her own food and survive? I was fascinated. I love the fact that the cover illustration is a brand new axe. Not the stinky teenage perfume, the TOOL FOR CHOPPING. A real axe.

I found this interview of her online and it’s excellent.

I loved this book, Bootstrapper. I rarely say that about any book. Right now I know 5 people I would like to loan it to, but I don’t want to send it away.

When I talked to Mardi, she said she hadn’t thought of writing a memoir until she started sending out query letters to agents, and one said she was a memoirist.  “It never occurred to me that my story would be of interest to anyone else. I’m essentially a true crime writer…. In my query emails I attached an essay I wrote about the boys and me, and I was just trying to show that I value literature and I can write.”

I asked her if she had kept a journal of that difficult time, during and right after her divorce. She said she kept some notes, but she takes a lot of photos, and that jogged her memory.

If you like true stories, stories about real women overcoming huge issues and still staying positive and coming out OK, I urge you to buy this book.

1. What is your full name? Mardi Jo Link [doesn’t use husband’s name] On the origin of her name: “My parents saw a painting of a woman in museum, and my mom was struck by the picture. The name of the painting was Mardi… Herman Melville also wrote a novel called Mardi.”
2. Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world? I’d probably still live in Northern Michigan. I’ve been to Europe and South America, and to nearly every state in the US. I love the seasons, and the water, and nature. We have amazing culture. Traverse City is a tourist destination because we are on Lake Michigan. Nearby Sleeping Bear Dunes has been named “The Most Beautiful Place in America” by Good Morning America.
3. What is your favorite movie and why? Out of Africa, because I can identify with the main character, who buys and tries to hang on to a farm in Africa.
4. What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid? Math! I just don’t see the world that way, in black and white, plus and minus.
5. What was your nickname when you were a kid?  “MJ”
6. Do you believe in God?  I do.
7. What sound or noise do you love? I like the sounds that come through my window – birds in the morning and crickets in the evening.
8. If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be? Wanna laugh?I’m a big football fan and I’d like to be an NFL quarterback!
9. If heaven exists, what do you think it is like? I think probably heaven is more a feeling than a place. More pure love.
10. Do you have siblings? I have a younger brother.
11. What is your favorite memory of childhood [something specific]? When I was growing up, we spent every summer at my grandparents’ house and they lived on a lake. I adored my grandparents. Every year they hired a swimming instructor to teach us how to swim. We dove for clams, cooked on the beach, hiked in the woods. I was with my family and spent so much time outside, it was terrific. My mom used to wake me up real early and take me in the canoe, hunting for turtles.
12. If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why?  I would probably choose the USA, just because there are still places I’d like to see. I’ve never been to Gettysburg or the Petrified Forest in Arizona, for example.
13. What inspires you? Dialogue – I get inspired when I hear people talk. My children. Other writers. The natural world.
14. Which holiday do you prefer, Christmas or July 4th?  I actually prefer Thanksgiving. It’s just about family, gratitude, food. There’s no way to commercialize it. It’s not about gifts or buying anything.
15. What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now? I have a pretty amazing group of girlfriends and I would like to write a memoir about women’s long-term friendships – specifically the ladies I’ve been friends with for 25 years. For women, our kids grow up, parents die, but relationships with women friends last a lifetime.
16. Do you know how to cook?  Yes.
17. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat?  Probably my favorite thing to eat right now is salsa, because of what I get from the garden. I make what’s called kitchen sink salsa, so every day the salsa is a little different, but that’s what I love.
18. What is your favorite book?  The one I return to most frequently is the collected poems of Emily Dickinson.
19. Who do you love the most in the world?  My family. [Her oldest son is a chef in Chicago, middle son is a college student, and youngest son is still in high school.]
20. What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer? Nobody has ever asked me why I write.  I think that is my way of being part of the world. That’s the only way I know how to be part of the world.

I look forward to reading Mardi's next book!

What We Behold

I was reading a book yesterday and it contained a quote that I keep thinking about: "We become what we behold," by William Blake.

I am interested in that because the other day a friend said that our personalities are pretty much complete by the time we are 6 years old.

So.... I started trying to think what I was like before the age of 6, and what I was "beholding." The memories are very fuzzy, needless to say. I do recall that I was quite a tomboy and I really didn't like being told what to do, or what to wear. I liked to play football in the street, and run up the stairs [all stairs], and I found worms fascinating. I liked to put my cat in the baby carriage and walk him around the neighborhood.

When I was small, trying to get my hair into barrettes or pigtails was a nightmare for my mom, so she just kept my hair cut in a pixie, and that solved the problem. When I was around 5 or 6 she let me grow my hair out, with the proviso that I had to keep it neat, on my own.

So here I am, 6th birthday. I often chuckle to myself because I am the child with no shoes, with my lei draped oddly, looking stoned. I was 6.

Here I am around age 3 or 4, with my grandparents. Notice I wasn't wearing shoes.

I didn't like to go to bed, or have Mother dress me, and I flatly refused to eat most vegetables. I liked to eat weird stuff. I still remember how a penny tastes, and styrofoam, and Barbie's shoe. I liked to chew on things. Literally.

I stole Purina dogfood and nibbled it for a snack. So did Bruce. Mother figured it out and called the pediatrician, freaked out, and he laughed. He had 5 kids.

"I'd rather do it myself," was my mantra. Dad used to tease me about it when I had grown up. I have always been independent.

But what was I seeing, back then? More food for thought.

My dad was a banker but he worked like a dog, trying to establish his career and make lots of connections, getting lots of bank customers. He taught evening courses sometimes at the college, and he and Mother were required to go to a lot of parties, to network. Augusta is a very sociable small town.

He liked to sing around the house, and grill things, and read the newspaper. He made very bad omelets and he told me stories every night before bed. He helped me dress, read to me, fixed my breakfast - corrected my manners - he did everything mom did.

I liked to kiss Dad's cheek in the mornings before he went to work, because he always smelled like Aqua Velva or Brut.

I saw a Mother who had to deal with a lot - Dad's socializing demands, family members who liked to tell her what to do, houses that constantly needed fixing, two very smart and mischevious children, and more.

She spent a great deal of time getting dressed, and when I was small it was complicated. She had to wear a girdle, because no self-respecting young woman let her behind jiggle, heaven forbid. The hair had to be teased and sprayed, so it was just the perfect bouffant. Pantyhose were not around, so she had to wear stockings and a garter belt. Lipstick had to be RED, and nails had to be polished. Then there was the cloud of Estee Lauder.

When I was really small, she wore hats.

I HATED all that. I used to observe the ritual with fascination and some horror. I would have to do all that one day. ICK.I dreaded growing up to be a lady.

I had already experienced the weekly fight to get me dressed for church, and it wasn't pretty. I couldn't go barefoot. Mary Janes and lace socks. I had to wear a head covering of some sort because we were Episcopalian. Women and girls wore hats or head coverings. I had to sit still and be quiet.

However, I also saw a Mother who loved to play the piano and sing with us and to us. I also saw my parents playing the radio loudly and dancing around the kitchen. We would often head off to the drive-in movie with toys and blankets in the back of the station wagon. There was a lot of laughter.

My parents always had dogs, and always talked to the dogs like they were small children. I have  conversations with Coco. She is very smart, and a good listener.

I learned that vegetables grown in the garden are beautiful. I get quite tickled when I see a ripe tomato or a lovely pepper or squash in my garden, ready to pick. 

I saw people use kindness and good manners.

Those years from birth to 6 weren't always rosy. There were tough times. Mom and Dad both had health issues that meant they were hospitalized and we were in the care of my grandparents. My grandfather was in and out of the VA hospital and often on crutches due to hip and leg issues.

I learned to wear shoes all the time. 

So all those experiences, good and bad, shaped who I am today. When I have to, I can dress up and wear makeup, and fix my hair. I like to sing. I love to taste new foods. I love a man who wears nice cologne.

I wished I had gotten my kids earlier in their lives and been able to influence them when they were small. Adopting a 13 year old and a 10 year old meant that wasn't possible.They saw and felt a lot of bad stuff when they were small. Yet, they are both incredibly sweet.

They prove we don't have to stay stuck at whatever we beheld early in life. We can change. We can become more civilized, more polite, more confidant, more cooperative.

I always wear shoes in public now.

I look forward to imprinting my grandchildren one day. Maybe by then we can all take naps after lunch...

News Rant

Sorry, the soapbox is out and I am fixing to RANT. Fasten your seatbelts.

What is everyone talking about this morning? Miley Cyrus acted crude and lewd at the VMA awards last night. That isn't talent. That is a mentally disturbed young woman. The producers of the show should be ashamed for allowing that performance. She should be ashamed. That sort of crap is exactly why we don't watch much TV here at my house.

But Americans are spoonfed their news like pap to mewling infants because we can't be bothered to figure out what is REALLY important in the world.

What SHOULD everyone be talking about? Syria. Read: UN inspectors reach Syria gas victims despite coming under fire. President Obama has said poison gas means the US will intervene, although U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel "said any operation would be coordinated with allies." Really? That's supposed to make us feel better? 

The Iraq war that cost thousands of American soldiers their lives, their limbs, and/or their mental health, that was "coordinated with allies" too. At least there it was clear who we were fighting against. In Syria, it's not clear who is bad or good, or what group was even responsible for the gas attacks.

We're killing people in Pakistan with drones.

We are not exactly popular in the Middle East right now, ya'll.

This should scare you: Syria's Assad says US military will fail if it intervenes. That was an interview with Russian media. Guess whose side Russia is on?? Not ours.

This could be the runup to World War III and it won't be pretty if it happens.

I say, let's stay OUT of this one. Let them handle it. The older I get, the more isolationist I feel. I have friends whose sons are in the military. They don't deserve to die because of some war in another part of the world where we have no business interfering.

But going back to the news: Americans needs to turn off the Infotainment News on TV and read Reuters, or The New York Times, or any news source that is credible. I like BBC World on NPR because hey, we find out that elsewhere in the world, nobody gives a crap about Miley Cyrus or the White House pets, or any other idiotic "news." Elsewhere in the world, people care about issues. 

All the kids raised on the infotainment that passes as news these days will be running our social security checks and nursing homes in the not too distant future, if we don't get nuked in World War III soon. If that doesn't scare you, it should...

Defining Normal

My friend Cindy wrote a good post about turning 47 (a mere babe), and at the very end she wrote this sentence, which is so evocative and spot-on, that it spoke to me:

The problem comes when you try to shove abnormal into a normal box...it never quite fits right.  So maybe I am coming to accept there is no box for us, and that is a good thing.

YES!

Why is it that we are taught as children to revere "normal"?? What is so great about "normal" anyway? I am putting it in quotes because there is no consensus on what even constitutes "normal."

I had a "normal" [traditional] family, with a mom who stayed home, a dad who worked, an older brother, a house in the 'burbs, etc. etc. I am not normal, though.

I don't even care about it.I don't accept the limits of "normal," and I am not its slave.

"Normal" is a cultural taskmaster.

Here are some things that might surprise you about "normal," that I know about from experiencing other cultures.

In Russia and Kazakhstan, it's normal to use vodka to clean a car's windshield, because of the cold.

It's normal in Japan for kids to practice a sport for many hours a day, to the point of exhaustion.

It's normal in the south to start drinking Sweet Iced Tea [or as we just say, "tea"] from about age 6 or so, and think nothing of it. It's normal to put fatback in green beans. It's normal to drink buttermilk as a beverage. I could give you many more examples.

If you're not southern, you probably read that and were appalled.

Up North, I hear it's normal to sleep on flannel sheets. I wouldn't sleep on flannel unless there were some freaky weird weather and it was below zero here at night. That might be.... once every 10 years or so?

In France, it's normal to give children watered down wine.

In my family, it's normal to locate other family members in stores by using the Family Whistle. Mother taught it to me and my brother, and I taught it to my kids. The whistle works. It's also more civilized than marching around the store hollering WHERE ARE YOU MAMA?!?

My point is, what is normal to one family, one nation, or one culture, seems BIZARRE to everyone else. So this notion of trying to fit into a pattern called "normal" is just a waste of energy.

I went to a fun discussion group yesterday and we were all talking about kinda "abnormal" things like self-hypnosis. It's normal for me to hypnotize myself to go to sleep. I didn't know until a few years ago that I was even doing it. It helps my insomnia, though.

Putting the scent of lavendar in your bedroom helps you to relax and be peaceful. There was a lot of discussion of aromatherapy. I found it fascinating. Was it "normal"? Probably not.

It was once normal to take a Down's Syndrome child and put her in an institution, and tell the parents to "forget about this child." Why on earth did people accept that? Probably because they thought doctors were God. They wanted to be "normal."

It was "normal" thirty or forty years ago to hide the fact someone in the family was an alcoholic. It was normal to shun women who gave birth out of wedlock. It was normal for men to automatically make more money than women for doing the same job.

More and more, I think if we are going to advance as human beings we have to utterly reject somebody else's definition of "normal."

When I was growing up, it was "normal" for little girls to want to talk about hair styles, and nail polish, and cute boys, etc. I was never interested in that stuff, not much anyway. I was not "normal" and it was tough for me to make new friends.

Once I got old enough to realize I was highly intelligent, I quit worrying so much about being "normal." I also had parents who were not hung up on that word, and that helped. My brother has always marched to the beat of his own drummer, as Mom says, and that helps.

I think kids who don't worry about normal grow up to change the world.[see: Steve Jobs - I bet you didn't know he was adopted]

Not me, I didn't change it, but I changed the world of my son when I adopted him, and now he has all kinds of possibilities open to him because of my lack of caring about "normal." I didn't do the normal marriage and kids routine. Who cares?

Cindy has 5 adopted children, two caucasian girls and three Asian boys. They are all homeschooled, because Cindy knew that was the best thing for them.

Are they "normal"?? No. It doesn't matter.

So my advice to Cindy is this: Quit worrying about the Normal Box, and whether or not your family fits. It doesn't. Neither does mine. It doesn't matter.

The LaJoy household is filled with love, and caring, and laughter. So is mine. For us, 

Normal = Loving

Wouldn't the world be a better place if that was our only definition of "normal"??

Twenty Questions With John Clement

My mother reads mysteries by the lb. - it's hard to keep enough mysteries on hand for her. She discovered the books of Blaize Clement a few years ago, and I think she has read every one of them now. I read one, although these types of books are not what I typically read. It was entertaining and well written, and I learned some things. The same can't be said for many of the books in this genre.

I also am pretty sure I heard Blaize speak at a Decatur Book Festival event a few years ago. She was delightful.

So Mother told me not long ago that she was reading the latest book, and it was by Blaize's son John, and I ought to interview him. I sent him an email, and to my shock and delight he answered quickly, and has been a total sweetheart about this interview. So without further ado...

John Clement is the author of the popular Dixie Hemingway Mysteries created by his mother, writer Blaize Clement (1932-2011). Before she passed away, she asked him to continue the series. The eighth book, The Cat Sitter's Cradle (2013 St. Martins/Minotaur) received unanimous praise from fans and critics alike. The Cat Sitter’s Nine Lives will appear July, 2014. Other work has appeared in the Chicago Sun Times and various literary journals.

John lives in New York City, where he’s currently working on the 10th book in the series.

1. What is your full name? 
Christopher John Clement

2. Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world?
Somewhere warm and near the ocean, but where there is no risk of flooding, hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes, sharks or sand fleas. If you know of such a place, please tell me.

3. What is your favorite movie and why? 
I have so many favorites. My dark, brooding side really loves Harold & Maude, a dark comedy about a troubled young man (played by Bud Cort) who falls in love with an elderly, adventurous woman (played by the incomparable Ruth Gordon). It’s really a brilliant story about how love cures all pain…
My light, care-free side would say Defending Your Life, with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep (and a legendary supporting cast including Rip Torn and Lee Grant.) It takes place in the after-life, where everyone must attend a trial to determine whether they have to go back to earth and live another life, or whether they have earned the privilege of moving on to a higher plane. Essentially, it’s about courage and should be required viewing as far as I’m concerned. It’s hilarious and moving… and it has a special place in my heart because it was one of my mother’s favorite movies. We watched it together one last time when she was in hospice. 

4. What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid? 
That’s a hard question to answer… mainly because the answer is embarrassing. I hated History. I didn’t see what the past had to do with me. I would retain the facts just long enough to ace the exams and then they’d drift away. To this day I have no idea what the Nez Perce War was and if you try to tell me I will immediately forget it so don’t even bother.

5. What was your nickname when you were a kid? 
Chip. Before I was born, my older brother asked if I could be named Chip, after his favorite character in a Sunday comic. My parents didn’t want Chip on my birth certificate, so they named me Christopher, which was the closest respectable name they could come up with, but I was called Chip from day one. In fact, I was pretty much known as Chip until around age 30.

6. Do you believe in God? 
I believe in everyone’s right to believe in whatever they want to believe in.

7. What sound or noise do you love? 
I love the sound that a washing machine makes when it’s coming to the end of the spin cycle. No matter how much the washing machine changes over time, that spinning sound seems to never change — now and 40 years ago — so it feels like a kind of anchor to a simpler time. I usually make a point to stop and take a couple of deep breaths whenever I hear it.

8. If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be? 
I’d be a musician, which is my life-long passion. I play guitar, piano and violin — all to varying degrees of awfulness, but I’m practicing.

9. If heaven exists, what do you think it is like? 
It’s like a house by the beach where there is no risk of flooding, hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes, sharks or sand fleas. And someone cooks all  your meals while you’re out by the water reading your favorite book. And dogs and cats never die.

10. Do you have siblings? 
Yes, I have one brother, twelve years older than me.

11. What is your favorite memory of childhood [something specific]? 
This may be because I just read Question #10, but my current favorite is wrapping myself around my brother’s leg — I am probably about 4 years old here — and making him give me a ride by walking around the backyard. That was seriously a good time.

12. If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why?  
Definitely Europe by train… I’ve seen a good bit of the USA, but there’s still so much of Europe I’ve never seen. About twenty years ago, I had the privilege of taking the Orient Express from London to Munich and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. There are numerous trains now that call themselves by the same name, but the true Orient Express, which started operating in 1883, came to a halt in 2009, a victim of the expansion of high-speed rail travel.

13. What inspires you? 
Beautiful work, beautiful music, paintings… just anything that is heartfelt and good. Right now, in this particular time of my life, I’m inspired by the fans of my mother’s books — they send me so many encouraging, loving and supportive letters. It inspires me to work even harder to keep the story going.

14. Which holiday do you prefer, Christmas or July 4th?

Definitely Christmas. I have no idea what July 4th is even about — something from history, right? Christmas is fun because it brings my family together - we are all pretty spread out, so that’s always a good thing.

15. What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now? 
I’ve been collecting naive art, paintings by “untrained” artists, paint by numbers, sketches, etc. that I’ve come across over the years in garage sales and old antique stores. I’m not a very good interior designer, so mostly just out of fear and/or indecisiveness I’ve had them stacked up and leaning against the wall for way too long. Today I’m going to go buy some picture hooks and just start hanging them willy-nilly and see what happens. For some strange reason, I’m really, really excited about it.

16. Do you know how to cook? 
Yes. But I’m lazy, so it doesn’t happen daily.

17. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat? 
I’m a vegetarian, so this may sound boring to some… but there’s nothing better than some freshly roasted vegetables piled up on a bed of couscous or quinoa with some fresh arugula and sliced avocado. If you have some mango slices to add to it, you are in heaven. In fact, add that to my answer for #9.

18. What is your favorite book?  
This one is easy: Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. I think it is sheer perfection. I keep a copy on my bed stand and read a little every night. I would venture to say that I’ve easily read it a hundred times. It never gets old. A lesser known favorite is Denis Johnson’s Fiskadoro, a heartbreaking and deeply moving novel about a post-apocalyptic society. It couldn’t be more beautifully written.

19. Who do you love the most in the world? 
My partner of thirty years and my pit bull, Zoe.

20. What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer? 
Do you regret spending the millions you made from your lucrative modeling career on world-class food, luxury travel, designer clothes, and donations to children’s charities? Answer: No.

The Ladies Who Lunch Live Longer

I was talking to another writer this morning and we got on the subject of friendships, and how important they are.

Research shows that women with strong friendships are less stressed and more happy, and even live longer.

One thing I missed terribly when I worked at Home Depot was the fact there was no central area with tables where everyone could eat lunch. I was accustomed to sitting in breakrooms at lunch where I could visit with other women in the office and share stories and jokes. I really missed that.

Since I have essentially been working from home for about 6 months now, I have missed chatting with other women. [No offense, Mom.]

Women [most of us anyway] raise our kids, and our parents die, and then where are we? We might have a husband or partner we live with, but we need more than that, to emotionally sustain us.

My book group usually evolves into a group of women talking about our lives, not the books. That's what makes the group fun and interesting.  We share things. We laugh. We sympathize.

My grandmother had 6 sisters. When they all got together in the same room, it was pandemonium. Mother recalls, as a kid, listening to her mother and aunts all talking at once, and thinking how on earth do they even know what they are saying? Then later, Mamaw would talk about each sister and repeat their remarks, like they had held the floor. It amazed Mom.

above, Mamaw and her sisters, around 1920

When we are young, female friendships can be complicated because we may be "competing" for male attention. Or we may compare our lives to others, and we worry that we aren't perfect enough.Or we may be just plain too busy to spend time with our female friends. Life is complicated when you are juggling house, kids, work, hubby, etc.

When we get older, though, it gets easier. I don't care whose house is bigger than mine, or who makes more money, or whose kid is more successful. I truly don't care. I am OK being single, but I have plenty of married friends. I have absorbed into my bones the knowledge that material things really don't matter. (It took me a while to get there.)

Growing up without sisters, and with my best friend living in another state [she was in Augusta while I was in Knoxville from age 8 on up], I longed to know and understand my place in the world, and what my choices might be.

I have always tried to figure out how to live my life by reading about how other women lived their lives. I wanted role models. I remember reading every single female biography and autobiography in our tiny community library, and pestering my parents to take me to the bigger library downtown.

I loved the fact that Eleanor Roosevelt was considered ugly and was painfully shy, and yet she was wife of a president and an accomplished person in her own right. I loved reading about Marie Curie and her courage in inventing the x-ray machine. Clara Barton, Louisa May Alcott, my own grandmother who died before I was born - they all inspired me. I wanted to hear about them. I wanted to understand how they were strong, and what sustained them. 

How do you find the courage to figure out your path, and pursue it, except by examining how other folks have done it? I don't knw the answer to that.

I didn't realize it as a child but I was living one of my favorite quotes: If you want to know about the journey, ask someone who has just come back.

Sometimes, though, it's actually more important to not follow anyone else's path. For years, this was on my fridge:

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Emerson

I thought about that message a lot when I was adopting my daughter. Of course, other single women had adopted from Russia, but I didn't know any. I needed a community, which was why I started my own support group for parents.

I've always wanted strong female role models and friends, but until recently I didn't realize just how vitally important my female friends really are.

A landmark study in 2002 found that women with strong friendships react better to stress. They are more healthy. They don't die as quickly.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.

In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

My mother has seen a number of her longtime friends die in the past few years, and this has been really tough on her. She leaned heavily on other female friends when my Dad died. Mom was only 61.Thank goodness she still has several friends in her age group, and is in regular contact with them. One of them got married again a few weeks ago, and she is just a couple of years younger than Mother!

Despite the fact she doesn't get out too much these days, Mother, like me, depends on her female friends for stress reduction, comraderie, and emotional support for good and bad life events.

So what is the takeaway from all this?

Stress and happiness need to be shared, examined, laughed at. Over cups of coffee, or a glass of wine, at the kitchen table or in the breakroom. We need to be there for each other. We need this to be healthy.

If you are feeling stressed, talk to your girlfriend. It might save your life. Or it might just make you feel better about it, knowing you are not alone.

me and two of my best buddies, Maria and Dana, about 2001

me and Lesleigh (above)    me and Kristy (below)

my 6th birthday

Rain and Flowers and Anxiety

Michael told me yesterday that school is already starting to feel "overwhelming." He has a cold, which I'm sure doesn't help, but the remark worried me.

I pondered how to help.

He has 4 impacted wisdom teeth and I had to pull him out of school at 2, to get across town to the oral surgeon's office in Marietta. So we had time to talk, in the car.

I told him when I get anxious I pray about it, and it calms me down. "Mom, God won't do my homework," was his solemn reply. I had to not laugh. It was hard, but I didn't.

"Mom and Google can usually get your homework done, Dude."

Wish I had had Google when I was his age.

When I was a sophomore in high school I was too busy to sit around moping or being terribly anxious. I was in chorus, on the newspaper staff, taking voice lessons, in drama club, and lord knows what else. I was always busy. 

Most schoolwork was a piece of cake, except for math. I didn't like French class because I didn't want to memorize anything and that makes studying a new language well... impossible. I liked everything to come easy. Most things did, so the exceptions pissed me off.

Socially, I was a total washout. Short, chubby, myopic.... not a recipe for Homecoming Queen. I also had pimples and weird hair, and issues with gas sometimes because I liked to eat oatmeal every morning. Add to that a lot of shyness and a tendency to be very sarcastic when under stress, and I wouldn't have ever won a Miss Personality contest.

Now that I really think about it, I don't even want to remember those 4 years. I much preferred college. I liked being independent.I actually learned how to study and think critically those 4 years.

Michael has the issue that he is so smart, when he doesn't automatically understand something, he gets very anxious.

We are working on the issue.

I also told him that spending 20 minutes in the morning scouring his room for clean socks is not acceptable. He HAS to do laundry. I won't do it for him. He's old enough to do it himself. I will help him fold, since that's pretty time-consuming for him.

Running out of socks and undies is the last straw, the final thing before he does laundry.

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I was thinking the other day, I am finally feeling normal. I found myself writing this to a neighbor/friend I haven't seen in a couple of months:

Yes, the hysterectomy was really easy. The only significant pain I had was a bad headache because I couldn't have any caffeine the day of surgery. I have a phobia about stitches, but even the 5 small incisions [robotic requires 5; don't ask me why] were no big deal. I was in the hospital 24 hours, and the day I got home was Michael's birthday, and I made him a batch of homemade brownies. Takes all of 5 minutes to make them, from our recipe. You should've seen the surgeon's face when I told her I had done that. LOL

Most women hear "hysterectomy" and shudder in revulsion. It sounds like something done with very sharp knives by very sadistic surgeons who hate women and like to listen to death metal. My mother had a wicked incision, I remember well, because I asked to see it when I was 5, shortly after her surgery.

Yesterday morning we had monsoon rains. My backyard turned into a pond, for the second time this summer. The water was up to the hydrangeas just outside Mom's bedroom window, and that's scary.

I cannot even express how much I hate rain right now.

It's only good for one thing: making my flowers bloom.This rose hasn't bloomed all summer and I was afraid I was going to lose it. Then I saw this yesterday: