A Message for Young Women

My friend Cindy B posted yesterday about her daughters not valuing themselves highly enough and expecting more out of their relationships with men and I was nodding my head the entire time I read this post, Ladies! She was lamenting the fact that the feminist movement made such great strides for women, and yet the young women of today, so many of them, do not demand the respect from men that they deserve.

As usual, Cindy hit the nail on the head:

If there's one message I can send out to my daughters it'd be Value Yourself, don't settle for less.  I have very lovely daughters with self-supporting abilities.  Be kind young women, take care of your children and don't give yourselves away.  Cultivate your spiritual side, find your bliss, and keep moving forward in a way that indicates to the world that you are of value.  Because you are.  You are lovely and amazing, smart and capable.  Act like it.

Michael and I watched a movie last night that sparked a good discussion, Think Like a Man. It's basically about a group of successful young professional women who need loving, committed relationships from men, and aren't getting them. They all read a self-help book written by a man, telling them how to turn their situations around.

The funny thing is, it's basically an updated, hip illustration of what my mama and my Mamaw always preached which is simply: Why would a man buy a cow if he can get the milk for free?

Unfortunately, so many of the young women of today seem to think, I'm giving away all the milk I can, every time I feel the urge, and I don't care about the consequences.

At first I thought the movie was not going to be worth watching but the ultimate message is really the same as what Cindy was preaching. Plus, parts of it are very funny.

So we were talking in the car this morning and I gave Michael a lecture based on what we learned from the movie. Basically, I said a young woman who doesn't demand respect from you, doesn't deserve your respect. She should value herself highly, and want a real relationship, not just a quick roll in the hay. Now, will he remember this? Will he follow my advice? I have no idea.

I do know this much: he has a lot more maturity than most of his friends. He seems to have pretty good instincts when it comes to the many female friends he has. His only achilles heel is that he is incredibly shy. Colton and I were chatting with him in the car the other day, urging him to ask a young lady to Homecoming, and he wouldn't even discuss it. 

He has seen the sadly negative consequences of his sister's poor judgment in men, and I know he wishes she would value herself more highly.

What causes young women to have low self esteem and not to value themselves highly?

According to a recent article on Oprah's website, Women and the Negativity Receptor, by Aimee Lee Ball, some of it has to do with a young woman's hormonal cycle, and some of it has to do with genetics. The articles cites a University of Texas study that found that "Up to 50 percent of adolescent girls have body image concerns," says Eric Stice, PhD, lead researcher on that study.

Parents who are depressed also tend to be hyper-critical of their daughters, which leads to low self-esteem. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, PhD, a professor of psychology at Yale and the author of Women Who Think Too Much. "The parents see the world in negative terms and present this view to their children," says Nolen-Hoeksema. "They're hypercritical and irritable toward their kids. They don't want to be, but it's part of their disorder. Those kids have a real tendency to adopt self-critical thinking."

The author goes on to say that bad tends to be remembered more vividly than good. I remember every time I've been criticized by someone or treated badly, much more vividly than my positive interactions.  Of course, as a Christian I try to forgive and move on. Sometimes it takes a long while to get to the "move on" stage..

The end of the article is the positive idea that our brains are flexible. We can change our thinking. I like the ideas she quotes from neuroscientist Michael M. Merzenich, PhD, at the University of California.

This is the most valuable thing of all, to me: "Transforming negative thinking doesn't occur instantly. "People can't just change their attitude on a dime," says Merzenich. "You're going against all that weight of experience. Thousands of historic moments have led to that bad attitude—every time you've thought about yourself in a defeatist or inferior position. That's deeply embedded, and it takes a substantial effort over a substantial time to drive the brain in a new direction." But you (and I, and anyone) can make profound, fundamental changes in how the brain operates. It's not that different from doing Pilates or taking a spinning class to change your physical self."

I have a vivid memory of driving down the road years ago after my one and only session with a Reiki healer [it was interesting but not something I've ever felt the need to repeat] and I remember thinking I am simply going to stop that tape. I had a tape in my head that went youaretoofatanduglyandnobodywill EVERloveyou! I had to really consciously stop that tape. It wasn't easy. I did it, though.

Now, I still have negative thoughts, the occasional Pity Party. Oftentimes I post about them here, and poke fun at myself. That's how to deal with that mess.

Most young women don't realize they even have the bogus negativity tape going, or how to get rid of it. It takes work. It's not simple. I was in my 30's before I was able to leave it behind. Once I did, though, life got better. I quit hating my body. I started demanding that men treat me with respect. I quit computer dating altogether - a recipe for disaster if you are trying to rebuild self-esteem.

I am not arrogant enough to say I have all the answers. Far from it. Every young girl, every young woman, needs to research, read, do the hard work of being different, of valuing herself, and not being a reckless milk-giver. It's a process.

The rewards are phenomenal, though.

me, age 18