My friend Cindy wrote a good post about turning 47 (a mere babe), and at the very end she wrote this sentence, which is so evocative and spot-on, that it spoke to me:
The problem comes when you try to shove abnormal into a normal box...it never quite fits right. So maybe I am coming to accept there is no box for us, and that is a good thing.
YES!
Why is it that we are taught as children to revere "normal"?? What is so great about "normal" anyway? I am putting it in quotes because there is no consensus on what even constitutes "normal."
I had a "normal" [traditional] family, with a mom who stayed home, a dad who worked, an older brother, a house in the 'burbs, etc. etc. I am not normal, though.
I don't even care about it.I don't accept the limits of "normal," and I am not its slave.
"Normal" is a cultural taskmaster.
Here are some things that might surprise you about "normal," that I know about from experiencing other cultures.
In Russia and Kazakhstan, it's normal to use vodka to clean a car's windshield, because of the cold.
It's normal in Japan for kids to practice a sport for many hours a day, to the point of exhaustion.
It's normal in the south to start drinking Sweet Iced Tea [or as we just say, "tea"] from about age 6 or so, and think nothing of it. It's normal to put fatback in green beans. It's normal to drink buttermilk as a beverage. I could give you many more examples.
If you're not southern, you probably read that and were appalled.
Up North, I hear it's normal to sleep on flannel sheets. I wouldn't sleep on flannel unless there were some freaky weird weather and it was below zero here at night. That might be.... once every 10 years or so?
In France, it's normal to give children watered down wine.
In my family, it's normal to locate other family members in stores by using the Family Whistle. Mother taught it to me and my brother, and I taught it to my kids. The whistle works. It's also more civilized than marching around the store hollering WHERE ARE YOU MAMA?!?
My point is, what is normal to one family, one nation, or one culture, seems BIZARRE to everyone else. So this notion of trying to fit into a pattern called "normal" is just a waste of energy.
I went to a fun discussion group yesterday and we were all talking about kinda "abnormal" things like self-hypnosis. It's normal for me to hypnotize myself to go to sleep. I didn't know until a few years ago that I was even doing it. It helps my insomnia, though.
Putting the scent of lavendar in your bedroom helps you to relax and be peaceful. There was a lot of discussion of aromatherapy. I found it fascinating. Was it "normal"? Probably not.
It was once normal to take a Down's Syndrome child and put her in an institution, and tell the parents to "forget about this child." Why on earth did people accept that? Probably because they thought doctors were God. They wanted to be "normal."
It was "normal" thirty or forty years ago to hide the fact someone in the family was an alcoholic. It was normal to shun women who gave birth out of wedlock. It was normal for men to automatically make more money than women for doing the same job.
More and more, I think if we are going to advance as human beings we have to utterly reject somebody else's definition of "normal."
When I was growing up, it was "normal" for little girls to want to talk about hair styles, and nail polish, and cute boys, etc. I was never interested in that stuff, not much anyway. I was not "normal" and it was tough for me to make new friends.
Once I got old enough to realize I was highly intelligent, I quit worrying so much about being "normal." I also had parents who were not hung up on that word, and that helped. My brother has always marched to the beat of his own drummer, as Mom says, and that helps.
I think kids who don't worry about normal grow up to change the world.[see: Steve Jobs - I bet you didn't know he was adopted]
Not me, I didn't change it, but I changed the world of my son when I adopted him, and now he has all kinds of possibilities open to him because of my lack of caring about "normal." I didn't do the normal marriage and kids routine. Who cares?
Cindy has 5 adopted children, two caucasian girls and three Asian boys. They are all homeschooled, because Cindy knew that was the best thing for them.
Are they "normal"?? No. It doesn't matter.
So my advice to Cindy is this: Quit worrying about the Normal Box, and whether or not your family fits. It doesn't. Neither does mine. It doesn't matter.
The LaJoy household is filled with love, and caring, and laughter. So is mine. For us,
Normal = Loving
Wouldn't the world be a better place if that was our only definition of "normal"??
