Some years ago my cousin sent me an email called How to Sing the Blues, and I remember laughing hysterically and then saving it. Then losing it. Which made me want to sing the blues, except I can't. I'm Episcopalian, I own a computer, and I drive an SUV, therefore I cannot sing the blues, according to the rules.
Before you read the following, I suggest you listen to a little bit of Big Mama Thornton's version of "Hound Dog" - which makes the Elvis version sound anemic. Here it is. You need to get in the proper blues frame of mind.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet, even if they lose their iPhone. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson are just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
- a) highway
- b) jailhouse
- c) empty bed
- a) Ashrams
- b) gallery openings
- c) Ivy League institutions
- d) golf courses
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
- a) you're older than dirt
- b) you're blind
- c) you shot a man in Memphis
- d) you can't be satisfied.
- a) you have all your teeth
- b) you were once blind but now can see
- c) the man in Memphis lived.
- d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
- a) bad wine
- b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
- c) muddy water
- d) black coffee.
- a) mixed drinks
- b) kosher wine
- c) Snapple
- d) sparkling water
16. Some Blues names for women:
- a) Sadie
- b) Big Mama
- c) Bessie
- d) Fat River Dumpling
- a) Joe
- b) Willie
- c) Little Willie
- d) Big Willie
19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
- a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
- b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
- c) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it- with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
21. Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Lutherans and Quakers cannot have the blues. Baptists, Methodists, lapsed Catholics, AME and AME Zion adherents and any member of any Holiness sect can. Jews cannot, although they can be in a New York state of mind that is a distant cousin to the blues. Muslims can have the blues but generally don't.
22. Cotton and wool make good blues clothing. Lycra does not.
23. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Manolo Blahniks, you cannot have the blues.
24. Bluesmen and -women play guitar, bass, drums, acoustic pianos and Hammond B-3 organs. They do not play synthesizers, cellos, trombones (except in New Orleans) or flutes. Sound men and club bartenders can have the blues. Booking agents cannot.
25. Reporters and editors can have the blues, if they're wearing their fedoras. Ad sales reps and Web-page designers cannot no matter what they wear. Photographers still working in film can have the blues; those working digitally cannot.
26. Football, basketball and minor-league baseball players can have the blues. Major-league baseball players cannot, nor can hockey, golf or soccer players at any level.
27. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.
- Big Mama Thompson
my mom and her dad and siblings in the mid 1940's - this is the only "bluesy" sort of old photo I could find, but I know for a fact nobody pictured shot a man in Memphis..
