Sometimes I feel like I spend my entire life trying not to be afraid of the future. I think all of us do that, to some extent. If a genie were to appear before me and grant me one wish, I'd be sorely tempted to say "make me completely unafraid of anything."
Of course, then I might go out and speed on 285 and wreck the car, or spout some political opinions on Facebook and laugh at the backlash, or go out and buy a new TV I can't afford. A little fear is a good thing.
Too much can overwhelm your life though.
We are having to pinch pennies around here, and it's not pleasant. Being a freelance writer and part-time paralegal/marketer is not easy. I am working part time for two attorneys who are truly nice and easy to please, but I need more income. I have to remind myself daily not to fret over money.
I went with my friend Kristy last night to a will signing in Jefferson Georgia, which is about 45-60 minutes away, depending on traffic. Lovely area. Lovely home these folks had. Very pleasant will signing.
We start home, though, and it's storming. I mean, torrential rains.
I called my mom to check on her and Michael. She was fine. Michael has a bad cold so he was on the couch watching TV, which was fine. I had the horrible thought, what if we are in a car wreck and this is the last time I hear Mom's voice?!
I immediately tried to banish the thought. I chastised myself for being such a wimp.
Kristy is a fine driver. No disrespect meant to her at all.
I just was SO nervous about being driven home at night in pouring rain. Part of it was a control thing - I couldn't have driven calmly, though. I told Kristy I was nervous and we just talked for the hour it took to get home. Talked nonstop. Talked about everything - kids, families, horses (she is a horse owner) - just anything to try and not be anxious.
I finally said to myself, when we were on the interstate, why don't I turn this anxiety over to Jesus and quit fretting?!!?? Immediately, my heart stopped pounding and I got more calm. Immediately.
Now, one of the semis could've still knocked us off the road, or the brakes could've failed, or any number of things could've happened. We didn't suddenly have a magic forcefield around us.
The difference was that I immediately took comfort just from thinking Jesus. That name. That symbol of love and comfort. That is why I am able to keep going.
I feel huge pity for people who do not believe in God or Jesus or Buddha or The Universe, or something. I can't help it. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and give them the gift of faith. I have friends who spend a great deal of time worrying and anxious because they simply can't get out of their own way and understand and accept the healing power of faith.
Of course, I think very concrete thinkers cannot comprehend the idea of faith, that is truly IS a journey, not a destination. Of course, sometimes it's the opposite. Concrete thinkers adopt the notion that if one doesn't believe in exactly their brand of religion they are doomed to hell. I cannot endorse that.
No, I have to believe that questions and doubts are not displeasing to God. Blind obedience isn't the real deal, I think. I've been full circle, have felt my faith grow from a tiny speck to what it is today, a life-sustaining force. It's a work in progress, but that's OK.
I rarely go to church, though. I don't try to convert anybody. Not even this blog is meant as a conversion tool.
I do want it to start a conversation, though, even if it's just in one's head. If I can do that much, just get someone to thinking about faith, interested enough to take another step, and then another, I will feel triumphant.
photo by Elizabeth Harper, Gifts of the Journey
