I always watch TV while I cook breakfast. Usually I find something on HGTV or maybe the local news, so I can catch the weather report. This morning, I flipped on the TV and caught an old movie I haven't seen in years, Broadcast News.
I remember identifying closely with the (short, southern, spunky) Holly Hunter character, and wishing I had gotten my degree in journalism instead of Drama. (There is clearly a lot of drama in journalism, however.) Then again, with the explosion of the internet, there are a lot of good journalists out of work now..
At their best, movies hold up a mirror to us and say hey, this is what you look like -- do you really like these things about yourself? Really?
All the movies I've ever seen that were written by James L. Brooks made me think. I am sure that I could watch As Good As It Gets and Terms of Endearment once a week for the rest of my life and still find interesting things, new things, every time I watch.
As I've often said, movies where something blows up every 5 minutes don't interest me much, but movies that honestly explore human relationships are endlessly fascinating.
Watching Holly Hunter this morning reminded me of what I found most interesting when I watched that movie the first time. I was fascinated by her clothes and her hair. I was dazzled by handsome William Hurt, and yet he was playing a character who was not too smart, and that turned me off, a lot. (To me, attractiveness is all about intelligence and personality, and looks have little to do with it.) I loved the homes in the movie. I loved the excitement of the news.
More than anything, the movie made me realize that the span of years since 1987 has seen me change so very, very much, and that is actually fine. It's not a bad thing. I can remember dreading the thought of being over 50 and yet, it's not bad at all. I couldn't have foreseen that slowing down and savoring the things in life that matter (family, friendship, faith, etc.) would be so much more fulfilling that my headlong rush to get what I wanted when I was in my 20's.
When you spend 20 years obsessed with finding a great love, getting married, having children, and being a famous writer, the fact that your perspective can utterly change is mind-blowing. So how did I change so radically?
The first thing that did it was the loss of my father when I was 34. Nothing prepares you to lose someone you share that bond with, that incredible tight relationship. Dad and I had arguments all the time, and I was often frustrated by his behavior, but when he died I was lost. It felt like somebody had thrown me off a boat, and I was dogpaddling desperately as the ship sailed away. Paddling and paddling and wondering how to even find the shore.
Now I realize that what I had to do was simply float. The harder I paddled and swam and exhausted myself, the worse things were.
I'm speaking in metaphors of course.
(I just realized how funny my metaphor is - since I am Cancer the crab, a water sign, water is very important to me.)
Other losses have rocked me over the years, but losing Dad was really the catalyst for the necessary character-building that had to happen.
I am so not the same person I was in 1987.
One of the joys of life now is putting Lola on her leash and walking. When I get home from work, I just want to be outside, after being cooped up all day.
Another joy is talking to Mother. We have some great talks. I would be a far more uptight person and a much more inept parent if it weren't for her wise counsel.
I told Michael recently that Granny is his greatest ally and advocate, and he just grinned. What a blessing she is to him, and how he is going to miss her when she's gone. He has no idea.
Being in an office with younger women has caused me to reflect a lot in the past week. I recognize and remember how I was, from observing them. I am the "old lady" and that's kinda weird. I still remember my first job, and being the youngest person in the office. I remember being blissfully unaware of all the curveballs life was going to throw at me. That's OK. It's good, in fact. I probably would've started drinking heavily if I had foreseen it all.
What I sort of wish I could do, though, is travel back in time and counsel the 25 year old me that watched Broadcast News for the first time. I would have so much to say to her. I would be full of advice about taking things more slowly, and saving money rather than spending it, and making sure to shut up and listen to my dad rather than arguing so much. But would 25 year old Dee listen? Would she do anything differently? Probably not.
I'd probably just be appalled at the fact that I am still not skinny. (Below, me around 1986 with Molly..)
When I feel regrets coming on, though, I immediately stop and remind myself that the twisted, messy roads I have cursed sometimes have also led to being a mom to Michael, and I don't want to change anything that would negate that. If I'd gotten married young and had biological children I wouldn't have adopted my kids. I wouldn't have traveled to Russia and Kazakhstan and experienced those cultures. I wouldn't have met some of the fascinating and wonderful friends I have now. Would I be more happy?
Maybe. I doubt it. I just would have different problems.
Do I get tired of dealing with a teenager and an 80 year old? Do I hate dealing with menopause? Do I miss old-fashioned job security? Do I get tired of worrying about how to pay bills? Absolutely.
The burdens weigh me down sometimes and I just want to take a day off and stay in bed -- but I keep going. Like the song says:
"This much I know is true. God bless the broken road that led me straight to you."
Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. I haven't walked through it alone, though. Love has been all around me. Love has sustained me. Friends have kept me going many times. Mom has always been my rock. When I get tired and discouraged, God sends me signs -- all the time -- that he is with me, and I CAN keep going.
And I am grateful.
