This blog is addressed specifically to my son and his friends who are graduating in a couple of weeks, or next year, or who graduated last year.
Being 17, 18, 19 years old – those are really tough years. You’re not a child. You’re not really an adult – don’t argue; you’re not. Trust me.
You’re in a weird purgatory, neither fish nor fowl. Suddenly there are too many choices, too many temptations, and you don’t want to listen to your parents. Your peers -- despite being as clueless as you are – seem to be your best bet. You want their advice and counsel. You are sure the parents, because they are so far removed from your age, are sadly and utterly ignorant of the real world, your world.
In a way, you are right. Most of us look back at our younger selves and think whew, glad that part of my life is over. Glad I got through it. Don’t want to go back. Don’t ever want to revisit that again.
But you are also wrong, very wrong. Your parents are very wise.
I am here to take your hand and tell you some things, because although I cannot shield you from anything, I can give you weapons for your coping arsenal, weapons that will be very valuable to you one day.
Here’s the hard part about being a parent to a 17-19 year old. We know a lot of stuff. We’ve lived through a lot. Experience has taught us things about life that we never would have learned any other way. Books, teachers, ministers, parents – none compare with the master teacher, Experience. None are that brutal, either.
You are going to face some awful things in the next few years, courtesy of Experience.
How are you going to react when Experiences overwhelm you??
The easiest thing to do when Experience comes for you is to lie down, to not fight, to let Experience roll all over you and pummel you until you cannot see straight. That’s easy. It will be overwhelmingly tempting to surrender to Experience.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you?! Breaks your heart? You want to stay in bed all day and pull the covers over your head?
That’s what I mean by Experience getting the better of you.
The much harder reaction is to step back. Stepping back without tears, without wailing to the heavens, without crying in your beer – tough to do. Very tough. Very necessary, though.
You are probably focusing on Work. What am I going to do? What career path is right for me? Where am I going to live? How can I make a lot of money but still have time to have fun?
All these questions are whirling around in your head, and they weigh a lot and probably give you a headache.
The other big headache-maker is Dating. Who will ask me out? How will I find somebody to date? Should I have sex? Should I use the word love? Should I let them see me naked?
Huge thoughts. Heavy thoughts. I remember being obsessed over how I looked, because I desperately wanted a boyfriend.
I remember watching how girls in my dorm handled stress – usually with large bowls of M&M’s or potato chips. I did that too. Not healthy.
You will always be tempted to do unhealthy things when life sucks.
Bad grades, bad friends, money woes, family issues, car trouble – all these and many more WILL happen. That’s life. You cannot control the fact that those Experiences are going to occur.
You CAN control how you react to them.
Here’s my advice about what you have to do to keep your sanity, and to not let Experience destroy you:
- Ask yourself this: will I care about this in ten years? Likely the answer is no, you won’t even remember it. Do you remember stuff that upset you in 3rd grade? Likely not. So why obsess?
- Accept the fact that people will say and do mean things to you. People you care about will betray you. Not everyone is a good person. Distance yourself from people who cause you pain. Get away from them, as far away as possible. Try to take comfort from the fact that shaking off their negative influence is the best revenge. They cannot hurt you if you don’t let them.
- Not feeling good about yourself? Give yourself an hour to wallow, and then STOP. Act like you don’t care, for a while. Just exist. Stop the negative, worrying thoughts. Instead of DANG LIFE SUCKS! Replace that thought with Life sucks right now but it won’t always suck. Give yourself a pep talk, even if you don’t believe it. The cliché is also a truism: fake it til you make it, and guess what? One day you really won’t let those negative things drag you down.
- Practice gratitude. Lie down or sit down in a comfortable place and close your eyes. Visualize all the people and things in your life you are grateful for, one thing at a time. If you are a spiritual person, give thanks to God for those things. Slowly think about and consider each thing. My thought process goes something like this: thank you, Lord, for my comfortable bed; thank you for my loving Mom; thank you for this lovely day, filled with flowers and sunlight; thank you for the love of my children; thank you for sending wonderful friends to me.
- Just like a car needs fuel to operate efficiently, so do you. Feed your body healthful, nutritious food, and you will be rewarded. Stuffing your face with Doritos and Cheetos and chocolate may seem like great fun until you realize how lousy you feel later, and how tight it makes your pants. Spinach, kale, tomatoes, peppers – those are rocket fuel for your body. Right now you probably have the best body of your life, but you can make it even better by putting high-octane fuel in it.
- Get out of your head by reading a book. Movies and music are great distractions but nothing gets you out of your own head better than a good book. If you have nothing to read, go to the library. Ask friend for book suggestions – in person, on Facebook, wherever. Books are a unique gift because they let us travel the world and have incredible experiences, inside our own heads. Getting some distance from your problems by reading isn’t running away, it’s giving your mind a break.
- Exercise. I know, you probably hate doing it. I HATED exercise when I was your age. I didn’t mind swimming, or playing volleyball or basketball with my friends. I didn’t mind walking a few blocks to sit and look at the river. I didn’t mind going roller skating. Exercise doesn’t have to be boring, or even expensive. Take a walk.
- Do something for someone else. My mother told me many times over the course of my life that the best way to cope is to be of service to others. You don’t have to find a soup kitchen and slave away there for hours. Go to the store and buy some flowers for a friend. Make up your roommate’s bed. Take a walk and pick up any litter you see. Call your mother or grandmother and say “Hi, I just wanted to hear your voice. What’s going on in your world?!” They will be happy to hear from you, trust me.
- Sign up for a yoga class. I don’t do yoga but I want to, one day. It’s a healthful, peaceful way to bring balance to your body and mind, and to release tension.
- Pray. Even if you don’t believe in God, or you doubt there is a God, address your prayer to “whatever force is in the universe that works for good.” You know there are powerful forces for good in the world, so name that force whatever you’re comfortable with – God, Jesus, Goddess, Jehovah, etc. Ask God [or Yoda or whatever you call the force for good] to simply show you the best way to live. You don’t have to get down on your knees, or quote a specific bible verse, or really do anything specific. Ask for guidance. Ask for peace to fill your heart so you will have room for good things.
If negative feelings are burning you up inside, turn those over to God, and mentally walk away. God can handle anything. While he’s working the problem, you go read a book, or eat a salad, or call your Mom. Don’t think about the problem. God will show you the solution, at the right time. All you have to do is let go and trust.
It has taken me many years to come up with this list. Maybe the reason I wrote this is because I needed to remind myself of these things. That’s OK. The older I get the more I am amazed and grateful for the many ways God works in my life.
Writing is a gift God has given to me, and it’s a gift that’s essential to my well-being. If I can write about something awful, I can get some perspective, even if I never show anyone what I’ve written. [This could be number #11 on the list but I like to hold it to 10, a nice round number.]
A Final Thought…
Don’t be in a huge hurry to barrel through your life. You have lots of time.
As you go through the world, don’t forget to savor and cherish every lovely day, every laugh, every hot shower, every delicious cup of tea, every sweet friend who wishes you Happy Birthday – in other words, the simple things. The best things in life truly are these simple things.
One day you will likely find yourself in a hospital bed at 50, or 60, or 90, and wish you had cherished more people, paid attention to more glorious days, looked for God in more places, and loved bigger and better.
Remember: Love is an active verb. Show it, accept it, exercise it, cherish it. Remember to love yourself, because that will attract the love of others. Love is the greatest gift from God and the most powerful force around. In the end, it’s the only thing that really matters.
image credit: Michael Thompson