The Crab Chronicles

Twenty Questions About the Best Coffee Ever

I recently had a fortuitous encounter with a delightful guy, Ed Lane, one of the founders of the local Blue Donkey Coffee, and I was very interested to learn more about the products and the company. I also sampled some of the original recipe iced coffee and WOW – the best iced coffee I’ve ever tasted. (Far better than that other coffee company, I forget their name…)

Let me repeat that: BLUE DONKEY IS THE BEST COFFEE EVER. I am more of a tea drinker so if I say a coffee is wonderful I am not exaggerating. Blue Donkey coffee ROCKS.

The company sells small-batch craft coffees, coffee by the cup [in booths at local farmer’s markets and at the airport] and iced coffees. You can also find their coffee at Sprouts and at their facility in Fayetteville. They may be in Whole Foods soon.

Their coffees are organic, grown all over the world, and the company strives for fairness and sustainability. Hence, they use a Georgia dairy -- Southern Swiss Dairy in Waynesboro, Georgia -- to produce the milk for their excellent iced coffees, and they are committed to helping with the Tolupan project. From their website: Frontline Missions has worked with the Tolupan Indians of Honduras for many years.  The Tolupans are a native people who live high in the mountains of  Honduras and who earn most of their income from their small coffee farms.  Their challenge is to get their beans to market.  At Blue Donkey Coffee, we seek to purchase their beans at a fair market value. This will enable the Tolupan people to earn a higher wage on their crop and increase their standard of living.

Enough about the products. To me, Ed’s story is a fascinating one.

Ed Lane grew up in Brazil, but his father was a doctor and an American. His mother is Brazilian.

Blue Donkey started out as GranCoffee Roasting Co.  in Athens, about 17 years ago. When Ed’s son decided to go to work in the family company, he came up with the name Blue Donkey

What is your full name? Eduardo Lane

Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world? Atlanta, Scotland, or Montana

What is your favorite movie and why? The Good the Bad and the Ugly – a classic Clint Eastwood western from 1966. I feel the acting and the music are phenomenal, and I like the straightforward (unambiguous) story.

What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid? History. But now it’s a favorite.

What was your nickname when you were a kid? “Boy” [in English]

Do you believe in God? Yes

What sound or noise do you love? Music

If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be?  I love what I do now.

If heaven exists, what do you think it is like? Peaceful, restful, a place where there are no broken relationships between man and God.

Do you have siblings? I am the oldest of 8 – 3 brothers and 4 sisters. Some live here and some live in Brazil.

What is your favorite memory of childhood [something specific]? Going camping on the beach in Brazil. I liked to go to Guaruja beach, near our home in Sao Paulo.

If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why? I have already traveled in Europe, so I would like to see more of this country, especially the western United States.

What inspires you? My work, because I have forged solid relationships with suppliers and customers over the years. Relationships are key to my business.

Which holiday do you prefer, Christmas or July 4th? Christmas. July 4^th is too hot! [But a perfect occasion to drink iced coffee, I think…]

What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now? The iced coffee products we’ve developed at Blue Donkey have become very popular in the last few years. We have many flavors, including almond, raspberry, pumpkin, espresso, among others. We’ve also developed iced coffees without sugar, like Blue Donkey light.

Here’s the Blue Donkey iced coffee story in a nutshell, from their website: Blue Donkey’s product is composed of three ingredients: coffee, milk and natural cane sugar. The family-owned business prides itself on producing the first all-natural iced coffee drink bottled in Georgia. By sourcing ingredients from a family-owned Georgia dairy and roasting the carefully selected Arabica coffee bean themselves, Blue Donkey has produced a unique iced coffee drink that has garnered a loyal following from the local food markets crowd.

[Note: my favorite of the iced coffees is the imaginatively-named Tear Jerker, for folks who REALLY need a pick-me-up…]

Do you know how to cook? Yes

What is your favorite thing to cook/eat? A Brazilian barbeque, churrasco. [A type of grilled meat which originated in southern Brazil]

If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, for 2-4 weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why? I would love to see the Rocky Mountains, specifically Montana and Wyoming.

Who do you love the most in the world? My wife Lynn; we’ve been married 34 years.

What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer? My favorite coffees are the Brazilian – very mild, sweet coffee, and the Ethiopian which is a robust and rich brew.

below, Ed and his wife, Ed's son, the Blue Donkey logo

One of Those Days

Yesterday was a huge drama day and if you know me you know how much I HATE drama. And yes, I am aware that I have a teenager, and I know he is a one man Drama Machine - just like every teenager on the planet. However, he is getting better.

Lola pulls as hard as she can and barks maniacally when she sees another dog being walked. So I try to walk her when few dogs are out.

I took Lola to walk yesterday but not super early. After breakfast. Around 9:30. My neighbor decided to walk his two huge dogs at the same time. Lola saw them as soon as we left the house, so I brought her back in for a few minutes to calm down before venturing out again. We went out and went in the opposite direction. My neighbor is a big guy and I figured those dogs would get a nice long walk.

Wrong.

We were on the way back and almost home when I saw him headed back our way. I tugged Lola and got her all the way down my neighbor across the street's driveway, and she didn't see the big dogs. However, I was a nervous wreck. Heart pounding. Overheated - it's VERY hot and humid - and freaked out. I called Mom and told her to make Michael get up and come get Lola. He came running, thank God.

Came in and got ice water and calmed down.

Next drama: calling the college and trying to get Michael's financial aid straightened out. He didn't want any part of it. There was a lot of yelling, and some tears.

Got calmed back down and ventured out to run errands.

I posted this on Facebook when we got back from CVS:

Good thing my blood pressure normally runs a bit low. Michael and I were out in the car a little while ago and this very old man riding a moped almost got run over by my Toyota Highlander! It was the intersection of Henderson Mill Road and Briarcliff Way, and the light was green, but we had to go up a steep hill to turn left onto Henderson Mill, so I couldn't see into the intersection until I was in it. As soon as we got up to the top of the hill and started the turn, the old man just appeared out of nowhere, running the red light I suppose. I had to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting him. I was screaming as soon as I saw the man - and poor Michael Thompson of course I threw my right arm out to protect him [the universal mom gesture even if the child has on a seatbelt]. The old Dude just puttered by, staring at me like I was crazy, his face registering NOTHING! I made the turn onto Henderson Mill and just started shaking. WOW. Michael said "It wouldn't have been your fault if you'd hit him, Mom." True, but I would've felt terrible. / Y'all, please make sure your grandpas are not on the road if they think traffic lights don't apply to them...

 

The REST of the day was... drama free. Interesting, however.

I interviewed a man who owns a local coffee company, and I hope to post the interview today. Fascinating story.

I sold one of the window unit air conditioners I no longer need since we got the upstairs air conditioning fixed.

In one day, Michael got 3 new little jobs - 2 housesitting and one giving tennis lessons to a neighbor. He's also babysitting today. So the next few days will be busy ones for him. He actually wrote down the details of each job so he wouldn't forget.

I made spaghetti for dinner. The sauce was a little acidic, so I added a teaspoon of sugar. Michael took one bite, made a face, said "It's too sweet!" Mother and I couldn't taste it. So we suggested he do what Bruce does - add Tabasco sauce and spice it up. Michael did so. Heavy handed. Took a few more bites and said "Now I can't eat this." No drama, just being a picky eater. I said "Fine, give it to Lola." She ate it. Then drank her water bowl dry.

I went to bed EARLY...

The Hazards of Time Travel

I am always tempted to live in a different time. I love to study history and try to figure out the past. Maybe that's why I love books and movies about time travel so much.

When I was younger I was constantly planning my future, and in detail. How old I would be when I got married, had my first child, published my first book, etc. What my house would look like. What car I would drive. How many kids I would have. Their names. And on and on. I would lie awake at night planning. I made many many plans.

There's a Russian proverb: "Man plans, God laughs."

While observing the young me, God must've been rolling around laughing hysterically.

me in 1990, right after I finished my master's degree, not knowing I would lose my dad 6 years later [click photo to enlarge] BTW I do not smoke any more, not for many years, thank God

I still have a hard time not anticipating the future and trying to set everything up in neat little rows. Of course, as a paralegal the way to be really effective IS to plan very carefully, to make sure all the work on a case is completed in a timely manner, court filings are handled appropriately, etc.

Too bad managing one's personal life isn't so easy.

 

I have two very dear friends that I wish I could help to live in the present, but it's something I still struggle with, so all I can think to do at the moment is to pray for them, and try to point out some truths that everyone needs to remember.

One of my friends spent the afternoon with me yesterday. His elderly parents had to be put in an assisted living home recently, and he is having a very hard time emotionally processing that. His older sister spearheaded the idea of putting his parents in the facility because his mother was exhausting herself caretaking. He thought it was too soon, and his 83 year old mom was doing fine.

My friend is what I would call risk-averse, in the extreme. He won't get the air conditioning fixed in his car because it's an old car. He won't buy a new car because he hates the thought of not getting a good deal. He won't join a dating website because he's afraid he'll be judged because he drives an old car. And on and on.

He's afraid he won't be able to expertly and perfectly control the outcome of any future situation and so he does nothing, and his life is really static. (I've known the family a long time and I think his sister did the right thing, FWIW, and I applaud her for it.)

He would also likely admit that he finds it so hard to just DO anything because he's a control freak and being unable to control an outcome -- any outcome -- scares him. I sympathize. I have control freak tendencies too.

However...

I pretty much live my life trying to make good choices but in the end, a lot of times, I just say a prayer and jump right on in. My faith in God sustains me. He has no faith in God, unfortunately.

 

I have another friend who finds it impossible to let go of the past.

I've said to him, several times recently, the past cannot be changed. So LET IT GO.

So what if you made some mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?

He keeps beating himself up, though.

I've made some mistakes, too. Every boyfriend I ever had was a mistake, as I eventually found out. I bought a couple of cars that were mistakes. I handled some personal situations the wrong way and hurt people's feelings, although that was never my intention.

My father was head of a bank trust department for many years, and hired and fired people all the time. He used to say "People who never make mistakes NEVER LEARN." He wanted his new hires to make mistakes. He expected it. He didn't fire them if they made some mistakes. He figured they were learning. (Of course, he always was sort of a benevolent dictator and had a lot of confidence about his ability to hire good people.)

I pray every day for these two friends of mine, because they are both decent, honest, caring people. If I had the guts, this is what I'd say to my friend who dwells on his past mistakes too much, although it likely wouldn't do any good:

Can you go back in time and change what happened, in other words FIX the mistakes?

No?

Then why beat yourself up? What exactly does that accomplish? DOES IT HELP?

No?

Then WHY are you letting your past CONTROL you? Because that's what you're allowing. You're allowing the past mistakes to control your present and contaminate your future.

IS that a good idea?

 

Regret happens. It's a fact of life for everyone I know. I have many regrets. I'm sure even Mother Teresa had a few regrets at the end of her life.

The way I cope with my regrets is that I control my thoughts. I started it years ago, out of desperation. I would get to feeling depressed and start having a Blame Dee Pity Party and it would always end up with me buying a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

My Pity Parties made my butt HUGE.

Eventually, when I found myself thinking things along these lines - wow that was stupid what the hell were you thinking? why didn't you say this or that? why didn't you do things differently? why are YOU SO STUPID?!?!! -- I made myself stop those thoughts. I literally turned my thoughts elsewhere. Sometimes I would just put on some music and start singing along, concentrating on remembering the words, until the negative thoughts were banished. Sometimes I would call a friend and chat about trivial things. Sometimes I'd pick up a book and read. Whatever it took, I did that.

Eventually, I stopped having those horrible thoughts and eating out of misery.

 

In summary, time travel [the mental kind] is not a good idea. It doesn't help.

 

This is my prayer for both myself and these friends of mine, who I love dearly.

Heavenly father, please help myself and my friends to not fear the future, nor dwell in the past. Please help us to trust your guidance and wisdom and live for the NOW.

Please help us to have FAITH.

Help me also to FORGIVE myself for my past mistakes, as I forgive those who wronged me, because not to forgive is to keep a bitter poison inside. Help me to focus on being a better person, and on loving those people in my life who love me.

Help my friends to forgive themselves for the past, and not fear the future.

Amen.

photo by Lisa Amos of Lake Burton

The Radical Idea of Love

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he was changing his profile photo to the one below, of Robin Williams. I was surprised, because my friend is a pretty happy guy. The photo below just radiates sadness. It made me think, though.

Today, Robin Williams would have turned 64. What a brilliant and loving man, and what a shame he left us so soon. I think he was here to not only make us laugh, but to teach us about love.

When I saw the photo below, I immediately thought it was an omen of his suicide. His eyes are so sad that they are almost vacant. Those are not the eyes of a man who wants to stay here on earth. Like my cousin Chris Thompson -- a friend of Robin's from years ago, who died last month -- he felt it was time to go, and there was no other way.

 

Sometimes people kill themselves quickly and decisively and sometimes it happens gradually, over a long period of time. I have seen both kinds. I have often wondered what makes the difference in a person's life, what stops them from killing themselves?

All of us have sadness, to some degree. What makes the difference between those of us who choose to check out early, and those who are willing to stick around and keep fighting the good fight?

I don't know, but here is my theory:

Some of us can accept transforming love and some of us cannot.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa

 

Robin had a lonely childhood, but eventually he was able to channel that pain into creativity and his creativity seemed to help him to be able to give back a lot. After he died it was revealed that he had spent a lot of time doing charitable work. Robin reached out to sick children. He entertained the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan numerous times. He gave and gave and gave.

He practiced loving others.

Was he as skilled at letting others love him? I tend to think not, or he would still be here. That's just a theory.

Accepting Love is a vitally important skill.

 

One problem I have with a lot of mainstream churches is that they emphasize reading and studying the bible, and they ignore or downplay what is, to me, a much more worthy and important pursuit -- teaching us how to love each other better.

Just as school should teach children how to think and learn, church [or synagogue] should teach them how to love. So often it doesn't, though. So often organized religion is about following rules, memorizing bible verses, acting appropriately. It's neat and conformist.

Love should be dynamic and messy and ambitious. Love should not be safe.

I've seen the effects of neglect and trauma in my children, over and over. Loving is hard for them. Even understanding love is a huge thing for them because it's so associated with loss. How terrifying it must be to love someone when all your past experience has been that the person you love will hurt and abandon you?

In my zeal to reverse the effects of all that darkness, I hug them too much, tell them I love them too much, and generally hover [more so with Michael, obviously]. They are adept at pushing me away when they need to. I refuse to apologize for loving too fiercely, though. My children know they are loved. It's my job just to figure out how to do it right, to teach them to accept my love and other love, to keep the darkness from swallowing them up.

Love is simple and yet not. In a way, it's the most complicated energy in the world. It's the trigonometry of all the emotions.

I try very hard to learn how to love the right way. I fail as often as I succeed. I fail, and I cry, and I pray, and I keep loving. I read everything I can find about how to help heal trauma, most importantly blogs by other adoptive moms.

Despite all my ineptitude, I cling to the hope that I can help my children accept love that transforms them. I don't want them to be unable to let go of their traumatic pasts, and check out early like Robin and Chris. I don't want to ever see the same despair in my kids' eyes as in Robin's eyes in the photo above.

My challenge is to not smother those I love. I ask God for grace and guidance in that regard every.single.day.

So here's my challenge to everyone out there reading this: focus on love as an active verb, as alchemy, as magic, as healing. Read everything you can find about it. Listen to wise people. Google the words "love" and "healing" and just read. Tell everyone you love that you feel that way. Practice being kind even when you want to scream. Focus on the folks in your life that you love the most and pray for guidance. Feel inadequate to the task? Ask God for help.

Don't give up on love. Ever.

Love is a seed. Plant it everywhere you can, and eventually you will grow miracles.

My Baby is 19

Trying to buy a birthday present for Michael is tricky. He has more clothes than he knows what to do with, thanks to one of my cousins who sends big boxes of clothes her son has outgrown or never wore, really nice things. He's not playing much tennis right now. I wouldn't attempt to try and find him videogames. He got some new prescription sunglasses and a fancy charger for his phone. Today, Six Flags.

Yesterday he turned 19. It boggles my mind that my baby is 19 years old. When I met him he was 10 years old.

Below, reading to him in the orphanage, March 2007.

He had a pretty laid-back birthday yesterday. He slept until early afternoon and then hung out with friends the rest of the day. I offered to take him out to dinner but that didn't interest him.

Today, he is going to Six Flags with several other boys, for a day of riding rides. That's his big birthday present. I got them a "flash pass" which makes it possible for them to not have to wait so long in line.

The highs today are going to be in the upper 90's so I told all the boys to drink lots of water and stay hydrated, and to be careful and cool off whenever possible. I wish I had thought to take a photo but I didn't..

*******************************************************************************************************

One of my work from home jobs ended so I am back on the job search. Praying I can find something I like..

Sitting Still? I Wish

A new friend of mine who is still getting to know me said something to me the other day that I found so funny I was tempted to giggle, but I didn't. I knew the comment was well-intentioned, not meant to be mean.

"You know, it's important not to be too sedentery. You need to get up and move around, get some exercise."

He was worrying about me recuperating from my surgery a couple of months ago, pushing myself a bit to get back up to my former energy level. I am keenly aware of the need to get my energy back, trust me.

I thought of that this morning at 7:01 when Lola woke me up from a sound sleep and demanded to go outside.

I had gone to bed at a reasonable hour, then awakened at 4 a.m. because Michael was having stomach issues. I was up a while with him.

So I went ahead and got dressed and took Lola for a 25 minute walk at 7:15 this morning. Not many of my neighbors were out and about that time of day on a Saturday. Hmm... I remember years ago when I would sometimes sleep in on a Saturday..

Then I came home and watered all the veggie gardens, flowers, and potted plants in my yard and on both patios. That takes a while. My zinnias are finally blooming. I also watered the geraniums around the mailbox. We are having our typical hot hot July days with highs in the mid 90's, so I am trying to get everything watered during the cool mornings when it's only about 75 or 80.

I came in and folded a load of laundry and put another load in the dryer.

By about 8:15 I was helping Mother get dressed. She wasn't feeling great, so I made her breakfast [eggs, bacon, toast, coffee, juice] and took it to her in her room. Then I ate some eggs.

Next, I straightened up the family room a bit, and the kitchen, and pulled out the cubed steak and salted it. [Just FYI, salting beef and letting it come to room temp before you cook it makes it more tender.]

I came upstairs and dusted and straightened Alesia's room. Michael likes to put his clean clothes in there rather than put them away in his own room. I expect when Alesia gets here later today she will have some choice words for him about that, which I will heartily endorse. I also scrubbed down the bathroom.

It's now 10:05.

In a minute, I am going to pay a few bills and throw on an old shirt because fixing country fried steak [Alesia's favorite] is messy. Then I will go downstairs and fix dinner. That means frying up the cube steak, making gravy, and putting it in the crock pot to slow cook all day until it's falling apart.

I need to vacuum the family room before lunch, too.

Then I will fix Mother's lunch and take it to her, finish the laundry and put it away, and grab a shower. That will be around 12:30. Alesia said she would be here "around lunchtime."

After she gets here, sometime this afternoon, I am going to make a pound cake, which is her favorite.

Sometime late in the afternoon I will likely put in a couple of hours working on an assignment I got yesterday. Then I will finish fixing dinner - green beans and bisquits.

So yeah, I guess you could accuse me of being sedentery, but you'd be wrong, my friend. Even though I am doing a little more than usual, it's not unlike many mornings.

Ironically, when I am doing my paid "work from home" it's far less tiring than my unpaid work around here..

*********************

ADDENDUM
My daughter called and said she can't come this weekend. Complicated situation. Please pray for her..

Mother and Child Reunion

At lunchtime yesterday I was able to send a very long-overdue email to my close family and friends:

I got a call from Alesia just now! She sounded good. She said she is working part-time at a fast food place and studying for the GED. She is still in Greenville with her boyfriend but she said she is happy.

 

When she first called me and when I heard her voice I wanted to cry but I didn't. I have been praying I would hear from her. She asked me how I was and I told her about recuperating from the heart surgery, and she started crying. I reassured her I am OK and she said "I'll have to call you back." She called me back in a few minutes, not crying. I again reassured her I am OK now. 

 

As usual, she wasn't too forthcoming about details of her life; wouldn't tell me where she was living, for example, just that it is "nice" and that her boyfriend treats her well.

 

She asked about Michael and I told her he passed his GED on the first try and is trying to decide about college. She wanted to know about Granny and Lola too, of course.

 

It was not a long conversation but I assured her I love her and I want to hear from her more often -- it's been 8 months. She said "I love you Mom and you're a good Mom."

 

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to concentrate on work and not cry, but I ended up crying several times. Relief. Just abject relief. I had not heard from my daughter since mid December 2014. I knew, intellectually, she was probably fine, but hearing absolutely nothing for months and being unable to contact her was incredibly stressful.

 

I didn't have a phone number for my daughter until yesterday. Somebody posted a comment on my Facebook post and said I was wise to not get in contact with Alesia but I simply couldn't contact her. I had emailed her numerous times but she said the email she had been using had been shut down.

 

So yesterday after we talked, we texted back and forth a long time over the course of the afternoon. She sent me this photo which she made yesterday.

 

 

She is driving down on Saturday to visit for a few days. I am excited and nervous. I told her we will celebrate her birthday [which was last week] and Michael's [which is Sunday], and I got the kids tickets to Six Flags for a present.

 

She has been my "wild child" for several years but I sensed a real maturity yesterday that I haven't seen before, and an obvious longing to re-connect with family. She is 24 now, and finally getting her life on track. Hugely relieved.

 

I will, of course, keep praying for her every day..

 

***************************************************************************************************************************

My cousin Tony was in town for a workshop this week, and he drove over from his hotel and had dinner with us last night, which was a welcome distraction. Tony teaches English at a private high school in Kentucky and is one of my favorite people, much more like an older brother than a cousin. Tony's dad was my dad's oldest brother.

 

I cooked sauteed shrimp with Jasmine rice, fresh white acre peas, and fresh roasted yellow squash. He was delighted to see the fresh veggies and ate two huge heaping plates of food. My dessert was his favorite thing - Klondike bars. Don't laugh. He loved them.

 

He also had a good visit with Mother and Michael. I wish he lived closer so we could see each other more often. He does get down here on occasion because he owns property in Rome, Georgia, which is about an hour north of Atlanta.

 

 

 

How to Change a Tire

At 10:30 last night, I was wondering why Michael had not come home from his babysitting job, and if I should go to bed. He was sitting for my friend Amy, who has a little boy adopted from Russia. He had been over there since 6.

Then my phone alarm sounded and Amy had texted me this photo of Michael changing the tire on her car. She had been out at a restaurant and come outside to discover a flat tire. It was good of her to let me know why Michael was delayed getting home.

Mike is a great tire-changer and it looks like he was showing the child what to do. Knowing how to change a tire is one of those valuable life skills everyone needs to know. Unfortunately, Amy's spare wasn't the right size and she ended up calling AAA. While she waited, though, Michael played tag with his young friend, and at one point walked across the street to a gas station for drinks and snacks. I told her (via text) to let him stay there with her, just as a precaution. I didn't want to worry about her.

Michael isn't a big guy but he is very strong and very protective. My brother always says small guys are better fighters because they have to be fierce. I always say "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

I truly wish that my son would consider a career teaching or coaching children because he is great with kids. He is young enough to enjoy playing, but he has a keen sense of making sure a child is safe and behaves.

He has a very kind heart, too, and is always willing to help out a friend.

He was home by 11:30.

Weddings and Marriages

I recently bought a wedding gift for my cousin's daughter, and when I discussed the gift ahead of time with Mother, she was against the idea of it, at first. Then she thought about it a minute and said "You're right. It's a great gift." [the gift was a selection of herbs and spices]

I was thinking today how wedding customs have changed, just in my lifetime.In Mother's youth, most people would give a piece of silverware or a place setting of china. Most young couples today don't even choose pricey silver and china.

I was also thinking about what makes a wedding perfect [I vote for how enjoyable it is for guests], and what makes a marriage strong.

I have been going to weddings for more than 40 years.

When I was 6 I was a flower girl in the wedding of one of mother's cousins. I was so excited to wear a blue velvet dress and get to walk down the aisle, scattering flower petals. I had never been to a wedding before. I kept my little petal basket and the fluffy headband for years and years.

I was less enthusiastic about having to go down the aisle holding onto my brother's arm. He was just as horrified. We were at ages where we were fighting all.the.time. [for example 'HE'S LOOKING AT ME!"]

The wedding was held in a church, and afterwards there was a small reception in the church fellowship hall. There was a wedding cake, some cheese straws, and a few other refreshments. There was no band, no dancing, no big elaborate buffet.

I tried very hard to eat every cheese straw on the food table. My mother or one of my great aunts discovered this and I was thoroughly scolded. That's why I look so annoyed in the photo below.

[Just FYI - that marriage didn't last, but it had nothing to do with the wedding.]

Probably the first wedding I ever attended just as a guest was my cousin Robin. It was a similarly modest event but enjoyed by all, and very lovely and appropriate. At the end, the kiss was spectacular. I remember being absolutely astonished. I had never seen grownups kiss for that long. My parents didn't do anything remotely like that in front of me.

I remember as an 8 year old thinking to myself, This is something! You get married and get to do all the kissing! WOW!

For a while after that, my Barbie and Ken dolls did a lot of kissing.

[Just FYI, Robin and her husband have been married now for more than 40 years.]

Weddings have now evolved into often very elaborate events. If you're wealthy, go for it. More power to you.

For the rest of us, the non-wealthy, I have to wonder if somehow we've lost sight of what's really important. Wouldn't it be better to take $5-15,000 and spend it on a down payment on a house, rather than an elaborate party?

Years ago, I attended the very small, simple wedding of a friend. After the church ceremony we went back to his parents' house where there was a nice buffet, but not a ton of food, nor anything very elaborate. The older guests ate a bit, visited, and left. The rest of us, the young folks, waited until they had left and then we all put on bathing suits, cranked up the music, and had a pool party in the back yard. The party lasted for hours. I had a wonderful time.

[The couple divorced a few years later, but that wasn't linked to the wedding or party afterwards.]

The final wedding I want to talk about is my parents.

My mother loves to tell stories and when I was a little she would tell me about her wedding. She was teaching, and Dad was working as an accountant for a big grocery store chain owned by his cousin. They had very little money.

She invited all the kids in her class to come, because the old First Baptist in Atlanta was a huge church, tough to fill, and many of the children came to the wedding.

Mom borrowed her dress from a much taller friend, then had to wear very high heels because she couldn't alter the dress.She also had to wear a corset because her friend was much thinner.

The reception was just cake and punch in the fellowship hall. Dad's cousin took the wedding photos as his gift to Mom and Dad. The "honeymoon" was one night in a motel in Florida, just over the Georgia/Florida border.

Mom and Dad had no money to buy furniture or really start housekeeping. His parents gave them a bed and someone else gave them a card table and some folding chairs. They found a couch someone was throwing away and hauled it back to the apartment.

She was 23 and he was 26.

They were married for 40 years, until Dad died in 1996.

The fact that Mom and Dad had such a modest start in life didn't foretell of a rocky marriage or a divorce. Mom's brothers both had similarly modest weddings, and were married for a very long time. (Uncle Don is still married, going strong after more than 60 years; my other uncle passed away, but had a happy marriage.)

The attitude used to be, you got married and if things went sour, you fixed them. You didn't give up at the first sign of trouble. Or even the 10th sign if trouble. You worked it out.

Now, before my divorced friends get upset with me, let me state something here, very clearly. Some marriages just aren't meant to last. Sometimes divorce is the best and/or only choice. I am not anti-divorce.

Living together doesn't really count, in my book. I've known many couples who lived together for years before marriage and still got divorced.

I have it on reliable authority that -- get ready for a revelation here -- MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's not easy. It's a very very tough thing to do well.

My mother says in a marriage each partner has to give not 50% but 90% -- all the time. Sacrifices have to be made. You must compromise. Maybe young people who have been raised without a clear understanding of the word "sacrifice" simply cannot sustain a marriage.

I've also read that kids whose parents get divorced find it harder to sustain a marriage. Sad, but it's understandable.

I am single and I've never even been close to getting married, so you can take this with a big grain of salt if you like. I just know that I've been the shoulder that got cried on many many times and I hate to see a marriage fail because the two people couldn't work things out.

Anyone who is contemplating marriage needs to spend a lot of time and energy on really knowing each other, and get good pre-marital counseling, before they tie the knot. Most churches require counseling but it would probably be a good idea to take it a step further and see a licensed marriage counselor. Spend some of the wedding money on that.

Ten years from now, what will be more important, that all your family and friends remember an extravagant blowout of a wedding -- and then the subsequent divorce -- or that you have a strong and lasting marriage?!?

Priorities...

At the Lake

We are settling in to the Dog Days of summer, with highs in the mid 90's the rest of the week. So glad I have air conditioning.

I am just plugging along, working and gardening and trying to stay cool. Walking Lola every morning early, before the heat gets bad. (I now know which of my neighbors are awake at 7 a.m.)

My tomato plants are pretty much done producing. Aphids have taken a toll. Mom and I were able to peel and put up a big bag of tomatoes. Sometime this winter I can make a terrific marinara sauce from those beauties.

I remember as a kid putting up most of the garden veggies into the freezer, and even buying more veggies at the farmer's market. Bruce and I hated stripping ears of corn for creamed corn but we loved eating it in the winter...

Michael is down to one job, lifeguarding on weekends at the neighborhood pool. He had tried another job for a few weeks but hated it - it was working in an un-air-conditioned warehouse. He also has left the restaurant job. He needs some time to unwind and catch up with himself.

So yesterday my friend Kate hosted him. She has two sons, one younger by several years and one older by several years. They live near Lake Allatoona in Acworth Georgia which is about 45 minutes away from here. The nice thing is that Michael is old enough to drive himself up there.

I told him to put sunscreen on his face and he ignored me. Lesson learned? I hope so.