I am always tempted to live in a different time. I love to study history and try to figure out the past. Maybe that's why I love books and movies about time travel so much.
When I was younger I was constantly planning my future, and in detail. How old I would be when I got married, had my first child, published my first book, etc. What my house would look like. What car I would drive. How many kids I would have. Their names. And on and on. I would lie awake at night planning. I made many many plans.
There's a Russian proverb: "Man plans, God laughs."
While observing the young me, God must've been rolling around laughing hysterically.
me in 1990, right after I finished my master's degree, not knowing I would lose my dad 6 years later [click photo to enlarge] BTW I do not smoke any more, not for many years, thank God
I still have a hard time not anticipating the future and trying to set everything up in neat little rows. Of course, as a paralegal the way to be really effective IS to plan very carefully, to make sure all the work on a case is completed in a timely manner, court filings are handled appropriately, etc.
Too bad managing one's personal life isn't so easy.
I have two very dear friends that I wish I could help to live in the present, but it's something I still struggle with, so all I can think to do at the moment is to pray for them, and try to point out some truths that everyone needs to remember.
One of my friends spent the afternoon with me yesterday. His elderly parents had to be put in an assisted living home recently, and he is having a very hard time emotionally processing that. His older sister spearheaded the idea of putting his parents in the facility because his mother was exhausting herself caretaking. He thought it was too soon, and his 83 year old mom was doing fine.
My friend is what I would call risk-averse, in the extreme. He won't get the air conditioning fixed in his car because it's an old car. He won't buy a new car because he hates the thought of not getting a good deal. He won't join a dating website because he's afraid he'll be judged because he drives an old car. And on and on.
He's afraid he won't be able to expertly and perfectly control the outcome of any future situation and so he does nothing, and his life is really static. (I've known the family a long time and I think his sister did the right thing, FWIW, and I applaud her for it.)
He would also likely admit that he finds it so hard to just DO anything because he's a control freak and being unable to control an outcome -- any outcome -- scares him. I sympathize. I have control freak tendencies too.
However...
I pretty much live my life trying to make good choices but in the end, a lot of times, I just say a prayer and jump right on in. My faith in God sustains me. He has no faith in God, unfortunately.
I have another friend who finds it impossible to let go of the past.
I've said to him, several times recently, the past cannot be changed. So LET IT GO.
So what if you made some mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?
He keeps beating himself up, though.
I've made some mistakes, too. Every boyfriend I ever had was a mistake, as I eventually found out. I bought a couple of cars that were mistakes. I handled some personal situations the wrong way and hurt people's feelings, although that was never my intention.
My father was head of a bank trust department for many years, and hired and fired people all the time. He used to say "People who never make mistakes NEVER LEARN." He wanted his new hires to make mistakes. He expected it. He didn't fire them if they made some mistakes. He figured they were learning. (Of course, he always was sort of a benevolent dictator and had a lot of confidence about his ability to hire good people.)
I pray every day for these two friends of mine, because they are both decent, honest, caring people. If I had the guts, this is what I'd say to my friend who dwells on his past mistakes too much, although it likely wouldn't do any good:
Can you go back in time and change what happened, in other words FIX the mistakes?
No?
Then why beat yourself up? What exactly does that accomplish? DOES IT HELP?
No?
Then WHY are you letting your past CONTROL you? Because that's what you're allowing. You're allowing the past mistakes to control your present and contaminate your future.
IS that a good idea?
Regret happens. It's a fact of life for everyone I know. I have many regrets. I'm sure even Mother Teresa had a few regrets at the end of her life.
The way I cope with my regrets is that I control my thoughts. I started it years ago, out of desperation. I would get to feeling depressed and start having a Blame Dee Pity Party and it would always end up with me buying a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
My Pity Parties made my butt HUGE.
Eventually, when I found myself thinking things along these lines - wow that was stupid what the hell were you thinking? why didn't you say this or that? why didn't you do things differently? why are YOU SO STUPID?!?!! -- I made myself stop those thoughts. I literally turned my thoughts elsewhere. Sometimes I would just put on some music and start singing along, concentrating on remembering the words, until the negative thoughts were banished. Sometimes I would call a friend and chat about trivial things. Sometimes I'd pick up a book and read. Whatever it took, I did that.
Eventually, I stopped having those horrible thoughts and eating out of misery.
In summary, time travel [the mental kind] is not a good idea. It doesn't help.
This is my prayer for both myself and these friends of mine, who I love dearly.
Heavenly father, please help myself and my friends to not fear the future, nor dwell in the past. Please help us to trust your guidance and wisdom and live for the NOW.
Please help us to have FAITH.
Help me also to FORGIVE myself for my past mistakes, as I forgive those who wronged me, because not to forgive is to keep a bitter poison inside. Help me to focus on being a better person, and on loving those people in my life who love me.
Help my friends to forgive themselves for the past, and not fear the future.
Amen.
photo by Lisa Amos of Lake Burton
